Tough Time Of The Year

[shell]

Thanks all of you for your comments. I just have to do what I think is the right thing, just like all of the rest of you. I think all of you are amazing and have been through so much and survived the pain and the horrible feeling of loss.

Rosanne, I know too well what you are going through. When my mom was sick, I could keep up a little on my housework, because she was at home for the most part. But even then I was running from the minute I got up until I "passed out" at night! Now with my friend, I am trying to run two households and she is by nature not the neatest person. I'm a neat freak, so when I go over and see that she has taken all the hundreds of pictures she has out of the big box I put them in, and left them everywhere, I have to take a DEEP breath and not let it bother me! I'm trying to help her organize, but I think it's an impossible task...hahaha. Anyway, as long as she's happy, it doesn't really matter I guess. Maybe she'll make me more laid back and that might be good.

I am trying to make more time for myself a little at a time, but it will take awhile since she just got here two weeks ago. I don't want her to feel abandoned or lonely. Thank God she has a cat she loves and wants another one as a playmate for him. So that helps a lot.

We all just have to remind ourselves that we are doing the best we can and that is enough. Life has a funny way of "working out". It is going to do what it is suppose to and we don't always have control, but I guess we aren't suppose to. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's a "theory" I'm beginning to believe in.

All of you are doing great!

Big, big hugs,

Shell

[rosanne]

I must confess, I have been very stressed lately- to the point I think I may go to the doctor tomorrow, I just don't feel good, and I have a pain between my shoulder blades that has really been nagging at me for a long time-

My dad took a shower without closing the shower curtain the other night- so can we say- crazy......

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

Be aware that the Internet has a wealth of information, comfort and support for those of you in the care-giving role. You'll find many such resources listed here: Care Giving

[shell]

Rosanne,

I'm glad you're going to the doctor. I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. The whole care-giver role can cause so many physical and emotional problems, but as it is always stressed, you have to take care of yourself, regardless of what's going on. And, PLEASE, don't feel guilty if you have to take some time off from your duties (even if you have to hire a nurse or other helper for a time) to get yourself the rest and relief you need. You can still see your dad for short periods each day, but find some way to get a break. There is no way one person can go on and on and on without it making them sick. I think of you so often and honestly know exactly what you are going through. Good luck with your doctors visit and let us know how it went.

Hugs,

Shell

[debbie]

Ok well, yesterday I received some really bad news that is going to set me back no end - I have been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I didn't expect this at all, I went to the doctors with a bad knee, but earlier I had a virus in my eye which more or less recovered. Anyway I had an MRI scan and all these things have come together to confirm that I have MS.

My mum was devastated, as was I, she said she was pleased that my dad isn't here to worry about me - and I kind of think that cos he would have made himself ill worrying about me. I told her that having MS doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to be crippled, I may have several episodes (which is what they call each attack on my nervous system), I may only have a few or I may never have another episode again (please God). I suppose it is not knowing what is going to happen that is the scariest thing.

Anyway mum has got me on Omega 3 + multivitamins and minerals, and in a weird way I think it may do her some good - having someone to help, mollycoddle etc.

We will get through this together, but I really feel that I also may need to go to my doctor and ask for some help, because I dont know how many more bad things I can handle right now.

So Dad, if you are around, now would be a good time to let me know.

Love you Dad.

[lorikelly]

Debbie

My support and prayers go out to you. I don't know much about ms but we did have a dr at work who had it. she found out she had it in vet school and then didn't have another attack for over 10 yrs. she lives with it and really does ok. she is a veterinarian. read up on it as much as you can, i believe knowledge is powerful . Lori

[AnnieO]

Debbie,

I am sorry to hear about your new diagnosis of MS. I know it's very scary to hear such news and be worried about the future. I have a very good friend with MS. She found out years and years ago she has had a few flare-ups over the years but today she is a retired school teacher who is so busy, she shows horses all over the country, is learning Spanish and how to play the mandolyn(sp)and recently started modeling. She is such an inspiration to so many people,she lives her life to the fullest!

I was diagnosed with Lupus many years ago also, I remember the fear I felt. I learned as much as I possibly could and tried a couple different doctors until I found the right one. Learn as much as you can and learn to take care of yourself...rest when you are tired! You and your mom are in my thoughts. stay strong.

[shell]

Dear Debbie,

I'm so sorry about your recent diagnosis. I can only imagine the fear you are having about this. I also am one who reads everything I can get about any illness, and it does help to know as much as possible. I know that you and your mom will get through this and you both will be in my thoughts. Hang in there, things aren't always as bad as they seem, once the shock wears off.

A big hug,

Shell

[LoriS.]

Hi everyone...just wanted to say hi. Debbie, I am so very sorry about your diagnosis. Shell, you are absolutely amazing. Lorikelly and AnnieO and Shell, it's been a while for us but we're all hanging in there. And for everyone else, my thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

Take care...Lori

[shell]

Lori,

Yep, we're still hanging in there! I appreciate your remark, but I'm almost embarrassed by having everyone think I'm being "saintly" or something! For me, the decision to help my friend was just simple...she's my best friend and she needed help. I'm sure all of you would do the same thing. I think having gone through so much grief, and having friends disappoint me and hearing all of you on the board having the same experiences, strengthened my resolve to be there for her. It makes me feel good that my own grief made me a better person perhaps. At least something good came from it and since my mom had AD it was almost like an added sign that I had to be there for her. Maybe that's one thing we can all hope for, that this terrible grief journey has in some weird way helped us help others. But thanks for the nice compliment!

I think we are all doing pretty darn good and should give each other a pat on the back. This site, and all of you wonderful people, have helped me so much, I can't tell you how much!

Hugs ,

Shell

[LoriS.]

Shell, You have said that you don't get signs from your mom or feel her presence. Don't you feel that this was and is her way to help you with what you are facing as you help your friend? It's too much of a coincidence that this happened shortly after your moms death. I have become really in tuned lately with faith and spirituality, and what you are doing and when it came to you makes so much sense to me! I wouldn't be suprised if you begin to feel your moms presence now! It feels very positive to me! I think it's awesome!

Well, have a great day and in this process, remember to take care of yourself too! If I were there, I'd give you a manicure/pedicure (you know...I'm a manicurist)!

Take care...Lori

[rosanne]

Debbie, I too am very sorry to hear about your news, they are doing so much with that now, it is unreal! One day at a time that is all we have... We are here for you, as you well know.

My brother and I got into an argument yesterday, he stated that he does as much for dad as I do and it made me so mad.... I spend an avg. of 16 to 24 days a month with him plus if you put it all together I have been staying at my parents house for over a year now, because I did not leave mom's side when she was sick except to work.. and only because I had to do that. It just came to me last night, I was out looking at the sky and saw only one star and thought it could be mom... and it just came over me It really does not matter who does what, I have two brothers and they help and that is all that matters, why stress myself out with figuring how much time is spent- we need to take care of dad and that is that. I too have not felt my mother like I thought I would. That makes me sad

Rosanne

[shell]

Lori,

Wow, that makes sense. I thought how ironic it was that this would happen and was glad I had the experience to know what to expect, but I never connected it to any sign from my mom. But thinking about it now, you are probably right. She always liked Lesa and would feel sorry for her and want to help her (Lesa's had a sad life in many ways). So, she may have wanted this to happen, for many reasons. Thanks for the input!

I'd love a manicure and pedicure! Come and see me!!!!!!

Hugs,

Shell

[debbie]

hello everyone,

Well, since I last talked to you all,we have discovered that my nephew, 23 year old Joe Jnr, may have testicular cancer. How many more kicks in the pants can my family take?

Joe Jnr is quite a spiritual lad and seems quite accepting of his situation - his take on it all is that if he gets through it, great, and if he doesn't, well he'll be re-united with his grandad. He was so close to my dad and in his eyes there was no man ever came close to him - he changed his name to Joe (it was actually his middle name) and wants to be in the police force just like my dad was.

I have managed to get to the point in my grief where I have the most beautiful photo in a crystal photo frame on a little table in the lounge - in the photo - taken a couple of years ago - my dad is sat in his chair smiling and looking so well. I cried so long the day i did eventually look at this picture, but i now look at it all the time and i talk to him and imagine his answers to my questions.

A friend of mine lost her favourite uncle last month and she came to me and wanted help. I was surprised how strong I was for her when i am still feeling so fragile myself.

Apart from the new worry of Joe Jnr, my mum seems to be pulling herself round really well, I see her every day and we have really helped each other. The other day she started telling me which funeral parlour she is paying in to, and I didn't want to know, saying that I don't want her thinking she's leaving me any time soon. She said she needed me just to be aware of it and that no she's not going anywhere for a good while yet. I replied "Good". Then we looked at each other and both our stubborn faces and just started laughing at each other and that was the end of that conversation!

Mum reckons that when she does go it will be a bit easier for us than when we lost dad. She says that we will be able to take comfort from the fact that we will know that she will be with dad again. I really don't think that this will be the case as we are a close family and I love my mum as much as I love my dad, but I think it makes it easier for mum to think this way and she does truly believe that she will see him again. She feels him round her all the time, I unfortunately still haven't felt anything. Mum thinks that dad is scared to visit me in case I can't handle it. My sister who has always been a sceptic, rang us and told us that one day dads funeral song ( Fix You by Coldplay) came on the radio and she started crying uncontrollably. After she had calmed herself down, she looked up and dad was standing in front her, he said 'Louisey' (his pet name for her) and smiled and was gone. My first reaction was 'Why can't he let me know he's ok here, if he can go all the way to New Zealand to let my sister know?'.

So as you may be able to tell, I am still totally heartbroken, confused and not able to accept that I may never see my hero again. If anyone out there can give me any words of advice they would be very welcome.

One of last things my dad said to me was 'Nothing ventured, nothing gained' and I am trying to take this on as my mantra in life. There is so much I need to do to get myself to a happy place, I need to take his words with me wherever I go and whatever I do.

I hope you are all doing well, and I send my thoughts and love to you all.

[shell]

Hi Debbie,

I'm glad to hear from you again. I think that although you are still heartbroken, which is totally normal, you are doing well, and I'm very glad to hear it. I'm so sorry about your nephew. I wish the very best for him, and with his attitude, he will probably have a very good chance of beating this.

I know how you feel about not getting any signs from your dad. I don't feel I've had any strong signs (maybe a couple I thought might be signs, but not definite) from either my mom or dad. It makes me sad. But in a book I've been reading about people who have had after death communications, it seems they "contact" you when you are in some distress, which you'd think would be now, but maybe he feels you don't need him yet, that you will need him more later on. Maybe we are looking too hard for some sign, I don't know.

Hang in there. You are doing better than you think. Just take it day by day.

Hugs,

Shell

[Cindi]

Its been six months today, since my beautiful Mom had to leave. Since then, although I've been very depressed and have had little in the way of support from the real world, I've spent a lot of my time and shared my feelings and learned of the feelings of those wonderful angels that spend time at this site.

My pain is still very real and very raw but I've noticed that I've had some times where my humour comes through and that is always a good thing. Sometimes I feel a little guilty when that happens, too, and I shouldn't. My Mom always had some little smart aleky thing to say so I probably learned from her.

One of the things that I did for my Mom's memorial service was to create a powerpoint presentation of all of the pictures I had of her. Fortunately, I have a bit of a gift in the computer arena, but believe me, this was quite a task. Of course, I spent many tears during this project. All of the pictures more than a few years old had to be scanned, and that took a few days. Once I had my collection together, I started putting it to some order, on screen. I had the pictures flying in, fading out, and all other matters of effects that are available on this program.

I had my dad look at it before the service, because I knew it would have been harder on him if he hadn't seen it before the service. Our bearevment counselor said that although for me, it was a hard task to undertake, it provided healing for me and everyone who was able to view it.

Since her death, we've had Thanksgiving, my sister's birthday, my birthday, Christmas, New Year's Eve, and my parents' 55th anniversay. My dad lives with us so occasionally we get him out of the house (he likes to gamble) so we take him to a casino. We took him to Laughlin for the anniversary and though emotionally, he did well, it was hard for me.

I had my good luck charms, and I kept a small picture of my mom on each machine I played. I actually won several hundred dollars, and I never win so I have to believe it that she was there.

Look at your photos, put one in your car, one on your desk...share them with others. While I was in Laughlin one fellow sitting next to me asked if the photo was me (I don't have that kind of ego, thank you), and when I explained that it was my Mom, he said "you look just like her," which of course made me cry. I know this is rambly so I'll end for now. Know that we are thinking of you, feeling your sadness, and wishing you comfort.

Love,

Cindi