1 Year Later

[Khakidoodle]

July 5, 2004

Did what I did save my life? Was it not some horrible mistake, but necessary,

was it exactly what I needed to do? What would I have done otherwise? Considering how weak I was….

Because it has worked, the replacement of that breath-taking fear, of gnawing raw betrayal, of unrightable wrongs; of life, definitively, out-of-control, in exchange for a life controlled.

Is it so important that the only control I had was to ruin it?

Life now is a payment late, a leaking tire, a tag gone bad, another court date, another slot machine, another call…. So many nice, solid, controllable worries to occupy my mind with instead of the crushing gravity of that other whatever-it-was.