The Little Tree

[KathyG]

I didn't feel like putting up any Christmas decorations this year. But my sister is coming to spend the holidays with me. Though she says she doesn't care about decorating or celebrating (she just wants to be there to help me however she can), she knew Bill and I used to have fun decorating a big, elaborate Christmas tree together every year and she told me, "Wait till I get there and we'll put the tree up together."

I didn't want to do that. Right now, I don't have the energy to spend hours hauling out all the decorations, assemble the tree, untangle the lights, string garlands, etc. etc. And as much as I love my sister, decorating a big tree would trigger good memories of past years with Bill - but along with those memories would come deeper anguish than I'm already suffering.

So yesterday, I bought a little 4-foot aluminum tree, prewired with lights, took it out of the box and set it up. I didn't add any ornaments except for a silver filigree star I had bought earlier this year (thinking we'd put it atop the usual big spruce).

Looking at the little tree, I thought, "Hmmf. Pretty pathetic." And then I turned on the tree lights. I don't know; there was something so pure and calming and peaceful about the white lights and silver shimmering branches. The longer I looked at the tree, the more I began to like it. It didn't cost much, isn't ornate and splashy, doesn't have any pretensions of being elegant - it just stands there and pours out as much brightness as its tiny lights can produce. And I realized I can be like that little tree: losing Bill has torn away my happiness and a large part of my life and identity. But with God's help, I can stand up straight and strong, be lifted in spirit and give back as much light as I have in me. It may not be much, but it will be the best I can do right now.

Maybe next year I'll decorate the big spruce again. Maybe (almost certainly) I won't be back to "normal" by then. But I hope I'll have grown and will be casting a brighter light.

[lorikelly]

I to only but up a small tree just like yesterday. it is 4ft and sits on a table. it looks so pretty with its ligths. i am not sure if i ever want to go back to a big one. my boys and husband are ok with this, so it makes it easier.

thanks for sharing your story. Lori

[Corinne]

Kathy,

First I want to say I am extemely sorry for your loss and also welcome you to the site. I would also like to thank you for sharing your story and shining your light here.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

William and Wendy, Have you taken your meds?

Gail, The picture of you and Bruce is beautiful!

[Gail_R]

Kathy....The tree well like you I am having a hard time with the tree. I have one son that still lives with me and he asked me on the weekend if I was going to put the tree so yes the tree is going up but not till the week of christmas. I'm so tired all the time it takes everyone thing I have do just get the normal chores done. One thing that I am thankful for is that Bruce and I had three wonderful kids without them I don't know how I would have gotten through these last months. Coriine thank you Gail

[kayc]

Gail,

How old is your son? If he's old enough maybe he can help with the tree. One thing I can't do is decorate a tree alone, I need someone to be there helping. I got a skinny tree this year and didn't put all of the ornaments on it, just the main ones. I left off most of me and George's special ones, that's just too hard, but I put on one of his that looks exactly like his fishing hat (lures and all stuck in it!) and also one that has a fish on it...he loved fishing, whether he caught anything or not. That way it won't be hard for John, but it'll be my way of still remembering George even on Christmas.

[Gail_R]

Kay...John my youngest sonis 27 I know he is not a baby but he is the last one at home with me. If not for him I think that I would loss my mind. He is there for me and with him still at home is makes me do things I would not do if I would by myself. Yes I think that I will have all the kids home on Sunday and maybe we can all put the tree up together have a glass of wine and I'm sure a big cry...all of us miss Bruce. Thanks Kay. Gail

[KathyG]

Kay,

Can I ask where you found your fishing hat ornament? I'd love to have one like it because like George, my dad adored fishing. He hunted with his friends too, but went more for the poker than for bagging game.

[kayc]

I don't remember exactly but I think it was in the mall at one of those places that sell all kinds of ornaments, like Hallmark or something. I got it for him a few years ago, I'm so glad I did, I couldn't believe how much it looked like his hat!

[MartyT]

Excuse me, you two darlings, I don't mean to interrupt your exchange, but I happened to read your posts just now and, well ~ Kathy, you might like this one:

Fishing Hat and Bobber

[kayc]

Marty,

How cute! That looks a lot like it only mine doesn't have red on it or a bobber hanging down, that is a cute way to personalize it!

KayC

[KathyG]

Thanks, ladies! I found the ornament and ordered one with my dad's name on it. I hope I'll get it in time for Christmas.

[suzanne]

Kathy

I found a tiny tree to put on top of my husband Will's ashes. Crystal with lights that change colors. So beautiful. So sad, so heartbreaking, so agonizing, so lonely.

Suzanne

[kayc]

Suzanne,

Do you have a picture of the tree?

KayC

[suzanne]

KayC

I am computer challenged and would never be able to figure out how to do a picture. Thanks for asking though. It is only about 8 inches tall, and changes from red, green, white, blue and yellow. No decorations, just clear crystal lookiing. Found it at the drugstore for $5.00. But it looks so delicate and pure.