Too Much To Handle Sometimes

[Khakidoodle]

If I try to make this post make too much sense I won't post it. I'm a writer, but when I try to put my own pain out there I get swept away in it all, and my usual steps of freeform writing and then reworking the words until I find them good enough just doesn't work with this....

It's July, damn July, this is the month that both of my parents died. My father 4 years ago on July 1st 2000, and my mother was taken 3 years and 29 days later....so my July starts and ends on 2 very sad notes.

My father was struck and killed while riding his motorcycle, he had retired a month earlier and had left just that morning to go on a month long trip to Alaska, he'd been looking forward to it for years....he died 2 hours into it. I was the one who answered the door to the police that day, and I thought at first they were there to arrest me for a speeding ticket I hadn't paid, and I was grateful my father wasn't there to see it, how convenient I'd thought, that he left just this morning and won't have to see me taken away....

I had prayed the night before he left, asking God to keep him safe, and that didn't happen, I was so angry and scared and all of that other...and worked on that grief, and slowly got better.

In 2003 as July 1st passed by, I thought it was sad that my mother and brother and I weren't together that day to remember my dad, I thought, we should all be closer, we should be commiserating together on a day like this....

I was still angry with God, and fate and all that...

On July 14th my mother went into the hospital with stomach pains, and 2 days after that recieved a diagnosis of 4th stage colon cancer, her liver was riddled with it...they told us a year maybe 2 she had left....It's a painful mathematics, how it all came down...everyday they lessened it.....then 12 months, then 6 months, then 4, or 2 maybe 1 if we're lucky we finally heard, but the day after that we heard things like 5 days...maybe 4 then only 2. It was 17 days in all, from diagnosis to death....

There were fignts in the family, as we gathered close those last few days, Mom had told us all she preferred to be lucid with pain, she had things to say, but my stepfather was drinking, and medicated her, and medicated her and medicated her. No i didn't want her to hurt, but I wanted what she had asked to be remembered and at least considered....

it was later that night that she was gone......

God please God help me stop thinking of what I should have done, or shouldn't have, I know it can't help I know that whats done is done and no one is really to blame, it's the luck of the draw, fate always....

But I was good and was strong, my parents had taught me well....I would get thru this I knew and come out stronger still...

But what happened next, just broke me....I found out a week later that as I sat next to my mother, comforting her as she died, on that very same day my fiance and my best friend were laying together in bed. I called them and called them, on their respective phones, and got no answers.....They were together. But I didn't even care, I just wanted some support, if they fell in love, I didn't care, just come to the funeral, give me shoulders to cry on, show me you care.......but they were too ashamed and afraid of anger they they were certain I would have, they didn't come to the funeral, or even call, or even send a card...If fact I have only seen them once in the year that has passed....

So I took strength in helping my stepfather, took strength and comfort with him, we would talk and cry every night, he was my rock, I was his....

I don't know what happened but he met someone, a woman, I was happy about it, I knew he would need someone, and even that soon only two months after my mother passing, was OK with me....I wanted to meet her, I had visions of the future and happiness, and he and I being close always....But that woman he chose, she just wasn't right....and I am not kidding...She accused him of sleeping with me. I had known this man for 14 years, he was a second father to me. He had been the one hugging me at my own fathers funeral 3 years before....But he sided with her, and told me I couldn't be in his life anymore....he was drinking, he was in pain....there are reasons, I'm sure.

But then I had no one, no one. no one. And october went by and november and december, and christmas I spent alone, no calls no cards, no present, no nothing.....

and I still have no one, I don't know if I'll ever be able to let someone in again. I wish I could...but to be hurt again, in the way I have been hurt this past year - I don't know if I could handle that....

Thanks

[sshort]

Well you certainly have had a lot to deal with haven't you? You sound to me as if you are a very strong willed person and understand reality. You know you cannot change things and you know what is is what is. I respect that. Death will tear families and friends apart sometimes. A lot of times it takes a death to see the true lining and know who is and who isn't good to have in yoru life. The only advice I can give you is to keep the toxins out of your life. They will destroy you. Your parents loved you and they are what is most important. My father died suddenly and I have no regrets. I cannot change the past and I cannot make him come back. The pain is normal. If you take a deep breath and hold your head high you will survive. Good luck

Susan