Where To Share

[Cindi]

I've been looking for four months for a place where I could talk about how I feel. I've read over and over that when you lose someone, part of the healing is to talk about it. Well guess what? No one I've met until now wants to talk. Its too morose or something. What are they afraid of? We're the ones who are suffering.

So I go to work with grief all the way to the top of my neck and you won't believe this...but I actually got written up for crying at work which was a bunch of hooey because I only cried the first day back. I sweat excessively from my head and I was working in the copy room and I think someone must have seen me wiping sweat from face and reported me to H/R for crying. H/R tells me that I can't be so unapproachable, that I have to be friendly, smile and talk to my co-workers. H/R tells me that by the way, most here don't know that I recently lost my mom.

I'm just not that strong. Several years ago, my nephew was rendered a quadriplegic as a result of a car accident. I remember seeing my mom standing next to his hospital bed and crying. He did not know the full extent of his injuries at that time so I told my mom "don't let him see you!" Her response? "I can't help it. When I was born I asked God for extra slenderizer and he thought I said tenderizer and that's why I cry so easily."

Its one of my favorite memories but when she died, she ended up with God again and got to get that misunderstanding cleared up. Guess who got the tenderizer? My husband says "you should be done grieving by now.

I'm depressed, I'm sad, I don't want to do anything. Its takes a great deal of effort to get up and go to work every day. I have no friends, and I'm angry with my sisters who can't seem to make much time for my dad. He's done so much for us all and I can't believe that they would do this to him. I expected much more from my younger sister and find that I can hardly talk to her now. My dad (and formerly my mom) have lived with us for about 11 years and my sisters are less than 10 miles away.

I'll be back for more venting later on. Seems to help get some stuff off of my chest. Thanks for listening.

[drew]

Cindi,

That is terrible about your work! How insensitive can they be!? And in regards to what your husband said about being over it by now...YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER IT! For crying out loud, you lost someone very close to you! Grief takes time and we don't just "get over" those we love... we can move forward with our lives, but we don't have to forget them and pretend we're ok. My therapist told me this week that I don't have to be strong. Right now, I can be and act as weak as i feel. And I do feel weak. So last night when someone gave me those sad puppy eyes and asked how I was, I told them that I was sad and felt lousy. Just saying that made me feel better! Some days are good, and others are bad. And that's OK!

I'm so glad that you've found an outlet here! It really does help to get things off your chest. Keep coming back and posting.

And by the way, You ARE strong.

Drew

[MartyT]

Oh my dear Cindi, the people in your work setting are badly in need of some grief education.

I'm not sure if by "H/R" you mean your Human Resources representative, but if and when you feel up to it, you might print out some of the articles you'll find on the Grief at Work page of my Grief Healing Web site and share them with your supervisor and / or your Human Resources officer.

You might also find the material on this page helpful: Helping Someone Who's Grieving. Consider giving an article or two to your husband to read as well, so he'll have a better understanding of what you are experiencing.

It also helps to learn as much as you yourself can learn about what is normal (and therefore what is to be expected) in grief, so you can better understand and manage your own reactions. See, for example, Death of a Parent.

[allalone]

Dear Cindi,

(((HUGS)))

I understand your need to talk. Your mom is on your mind night and day and it is a HUGE loss. I lost my mom a little over six months ago and I empathize with you on not wanting to get out of bed and how difficult it is to put on a brave face at work.

I set out a time at night to cry (in the bath-tub). If you can set out a time where you can release your emotions in a private area and speak to your mom at that time it may help. I'm sure your mom is around watching over you and she will hear what you have to say to her.

No one can truly understand your loss. I firmly believe that you need to take whatever time it is to grieve and that the length and extent of mourning is different for everyone. Each relationship is unique and it sounds like you are close to your parents. Don't ever feel bad for having those emotions. It is wrong for other people to expect that you get over a loss so quickly. The rat race world we live in expects everything to be completed in an instant. That's just not so. It take time to mourn and you are healthy in dealing with it now. Don't allow others to speed your grieving process or things will be stifled and that is unhealthy.

What completely puzzles me is that if a person losse a child, there is more support and most people will accept that as a parent the grief process is a long period of time. To me losing a parent is of equal impact and it is incomprehensible to me that many do not see losing a parent just as a significant as a spouse or child.

Know that is is natural for you to grieve your mother. If your husband says to you again, you should be done your grieving by now, I would say, something like "Honey, you know I loved mom and losing her has been hard on me. If you lost me or one of the kids do you think you would be over it in four months? I know it's hard for you to see me like this but I miss her a great deal and if you can't support me in this I understand, but please give me the time to greive my mother in the time that is appropriate for me." He may be a little more understanding of where you are coming from if you say something like this to him. His intentions are likely that he just doesn't want to see you in pain and sometimes the words -even with the best of intentions can cut to the bone. Perhaps he hasn't lost either of his parents yet or if he has, perhaps he wasn't as close to his parents are you are to yours. As I said earlier, each relationship is unique and each person you will mourn differently.

One of the things that I came to realize shortly after my mom's passing was that my tears were for me. It is because I REALLY miss my mom. My mom suffered a lot when she was alive because she had a very hard life. She was married to an abusive man and in addition, the last year of her life her health was diminishing. I always worried about her. I wanted her so badly to get out of her situation, but she couldn't. Until the last week that she died, she suffered. It only helps me a very small bit to think that she is no longer suffering. Her death is not something I can rationalize, I am profoundly sad and I miss my mother more than words can express. Mom had told us not to cry as she was an incredible stoic woman, but I cry almost every day. I have visited her grave almost weekly (except for a couple weeks when I was sick). I understand that having tears is ok. It is ok to miss my mom. It is ok to be sad. It wouldn't be right otherwise because I loved my mom very dearly. How can you not deeply mourn someone you love so much.

So this is why I think it is important that you are ok with your grief and that you just follow your heart. Your mom will help you heal and I'm sure that as you work your way through the pain there will be things that you'll be able to remember your mom with a smile instead of tears. This is slowly happening for me. For me it is starting with being able to remember my mom and not cry everytime I speak of her. There is the odd time that I can smile with my aunt about the odd thing my mom did. But I still have more tears than smiles. It's only natural.

One just has to remind oneself that in time things heal. Unfortunately there are times when I pick at the wound instead of tending to it.

[AnnieO]

Cindi,

I am so sorry about your mom. I can't believe what was said to you at work. That is so awful. My mom died Dec.7th 2006 and my dad died Oct.2 2007. I remember right after my mom died a woman that I only knew thru my son's soccer , sat with me once in my car and said,"tell me about your mom"..it was so wonderful, I needed to talk about her and finally someone let me talk about her. I recently started taking an antidepressant, my son saw the bottle and asked me about it. He was surprised, he asked me who thought I should take them. I told him , "my doctor and your dad"...he told me that not many people go thru what I did, losing both parents so close together. And that it might take me years to feel better and for right now he thinks I am doing just fine. Pretty wise and compassionate, coming from a 16 year old boy. If only the rest of the people around me understood as well.

A while back some of us posted things about our loved ones, not about their deaths or illnesses, but about their life...happy or funny things. so, if you care too, tell me about your mom. I would love to hear about her. And I am sorry you are having such a hard time.

[LoriS.]

Wow Cindi...that is harsh what happened to you at work. People need more compassion and understanding..I just don't get it.

No one will turn you away or judge you here.

Take care...Lori