Depression

[Whiteswan]

I have been going through a lot of depression lately. It comes and goes. I'll have it for a few days or a little longer then it lifts again. I really miss my Mom even though my 9 yr old son frequently sees her appear to him and I sporadically smell her personal scent. Also we had to put our beloved 15 yr old cat Comet to sleep due to kidney and heart failure in Nov 07. My friend's Mom passed a wk and a half ago which also upset me as I liked her and it reminded me of my own Mom's death again of course. Also just after Christmas a client died(I am in community health care). I took care of 3 times a week for 5 yrs. I really liked him and miss him too. Maybe the depression is just all of that and winter itself -ie- not much sunshine and cold outside. How do any of you deal with depression? What do you do to get out of it? Last wk it was so bad that I didn't go to work 4 of the 5 day work wk! I was tired and after I took my son to school I just came home , laid on the couch and believe it or not tried to figure out God, the whole order of life, etc,etc. I felt like Jesus' 3 days in the tomb only I had 4 of them then "resurrected" yesterday in a better frame of mind! Anyone else been through similar? Thanks for all insights.

[shell]

Whiteswan,

I get depressed on and off again too. Even when I should be feeling somewhat happy, it will hit me. I think it's just part of this darned rollercoaster we're on! I'm not sure it ever goes away completely. But, when you think about it, it's perfectly understandable. You can't go through losing someone (or multiple people and beloved pets) and just go on merrily with your life. If you can, then I would worry even more about that! I finally just accepted that I am going to be going through a lot of emotions for a long time, and when I did that, it got "easier". The emotions aren't any easier, but my reaction to them isn't as bad. I don't get as worried about it, I just accept it and try to move on after I feel whatever I'm feeling at the moment. I think acceptance has helped me in a lot of areas. It's going with the flow instead of fighting against it. Hope this helps you.

Hugs,

Shell

[Guest Gamer205]

I know how bad depression can feel and its a hard thing to go threw,I wish you all the best in copeing,We all go threw hard times,

My Best Wishes,

Many people have been so kind to me here at Griefhealing so I wanted to try to help others to,We all go threw this life together so its impoarent to be there for each other,it helps us cope better.

[Whiteswan]

Thank you to both of you. I can see where I should just accept my emotions instead of fighting them. After I read the part about fighting them I looked back over the past few months and I realized that I had been trying to fight them. When in the throes of depression I would try to shake it, put myself down for feeling depressed then feel even more tired than originally then spiral downward into deeper depression. It would start off as sadness then fighting it and judging myself for having it sunk me deeper into it until I got so depressed that I took off work for 4 days and only did the things that I absoultely had to do like take care of my son's and animals daily needs. I think if I just would have accepted the sadness, not judged myself for having it, it would have passed easier and I wouldn't have been so exhausted. Thank you again for your insights and support. This place is very supportive and I feel safe here.

[Cindi]

Whiteswan: On February 11th it will be five months since I lost my Mom. 2007 started bad and ended worse for me. In January, y son was incarcerated for crimes related to drug addiction, my ex-brother-in-law (and still a friend), killed himself in March. In April another brother-in-law was in a car accident with his girlfriend and the girlfriend died. In May, I lost a dog and then my Mom in September.

I am still a basket case. I can start crying for no good reason at just about anytime. I also remember all of the incidents that led to my Mom's death and any memory at all makes me tear up. I've cried so much that I think I should be at least 100 lb lighter.

The only thing I can say to you is that I feel your pain and understand it. I find the world isn't so accepting. They want us to walk around with smiles on our faces and a bounce in our step.

We, one day will prevail but how awful would we feel if a loved one died and we didn't have these emotions. It tells us how much we loved and were loved. I didn't know what a broken heart really felt like until now.

Take comfort in knowing you are not alone.

[shell]

Whiteswan,

You hit the nail on the head. How the depression can spiral out of control by us fighting it and then judging ourselves, etc. I always hear it compared to an ocean. That if you just flow with it, you will have your ups and downs, but you'll get there, so to speak. If you try to fight it or swim against it, you'll sink. While the emotions may be hard and wear us out, fighting them just wears you out more. Not something we need at a time like this. Now when I feel bad in any way, I just accept it and feel bad, realizing it is just part of grieving. I want to clarify something though. When I say accept your feelings, I'm not saying "get over it". I just wanted to make sure no one felt that that's what I meant in any way! As we all know, we never "get over it". And also, this "acceptance" doesn't come easily, so if you're not there yet, don't feel there's anything wrong. It took me a long time to get to this point.

hugs,

Shell

[Whiteswan]

Thanks all for your insights. They do help. I also realized today that other things complicate the grief or grief complicates these other things -- I don't know which -- maybe both. For example, two days ago my 9 yr old son fell at school while playing with other kids (they were all running) and when he fell he bashed up his knee , his hip and broke a front tooth besides really scrapping his chin. After I talked to him on the phone (the school called) and realized that he was able to continue with his school day, the first thought I had was "I'll have to tell Mom this one!" My Mom has been gone nearly 2 yrs! After I realized what I was thinking, I said out loud "Well Mom, he broke his tooth." then I thought "Good Lord! She already knows that! She would know it before you knew it now that she is a spirit!" I think a lot of it is my Mom and I were close, she was my rock, my cushion, my buffer in this world and now I don't have one anymore. I also realized this morning that I hadn't changed the address on my driver's licence to my new address even though I sold my Mom's house in Sept 07 and bought this house at the same time. Yeah, I've been driving around with a licence with the old address for the last 4 months! I went and had it changed about an hour ago and I thought to myself why did I wait so long! I think a part of me still wanted a connection to the old house because it was her house. Changing the address brought reality crashing down again --ie- that house is gone and so is she! (I have yet to change the address on our health insurance -- will do that next week when I have time.) Then I looked at the stack of bills to pay and a part of me was reminded that she is not here (we used to share the bills as I'm the single Mom of 1 child and we lived with her) and I used to think to myself after she died when looking at my son and 2 animals " You poor things, you are all dependent on me , a person who slips in and out of depression and can't see where it is all going." I guess I sound depressed again today, but really I'm not , I'm just reflecting and trying to figure all this out online with all of you who read this post. A part of me knows it is all going to be okay as I had an experience while sleeping on Sunday night . I don't remember all of it in a conscious way but I know and remember coming back down a tunnel that was like a spiral into my body and I could see me Mom smiling at me at the end (larger) part of the tunnel. It was like I had been with her and was coming back here and she was seeing me back to here. Even though I don't recall her saying anything to me I know it was like she was saying it is all going to be okay. I can't consciously remember all of this experience but a part of me just knows that I learned a lot, was told a lot and all is eventually going to work out. I don't feel crazy writing this or like it was only a dream or not real because I feel it was real -- I've never felt anything in my life that could be more real. (I had other "dreams" of her too in the past where she talked to me but this one for some reason is more profound to me as I feel I learned a lot and just have a knowing feeling now that I never used to have.) It was real -- I know that in my heart and now when I feel worried about bills, etc I keep reminding myself of that experience -- I can see it and feel it all again in my mind and it helps me feel better. Anyone else ever have an experience like this? Thanks all for listening and sharing. Love you all, Whiteswan

[shell]

Whiteswan,

Unfortunately, I haven't had any "messages" from my mom, but sure wish I would! How wonderful that dream was for you...and yes, I believe it was real and definitely a message that everything will be ok.

I feel the same way as you, that my mom was my rock and buffer, etc. and now I feel like I don't have anyone to REALLY count on anymore. I also talk to my mom and then think she would know it before I told her! And I still haven't changed a lot of things I should have by now, but removing her name is like a kick in the stomach.

Hang in there.

Hugs,

shell