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Weird Feelings

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I've gone through some really weird feelings since my mom passed. I was my mom's caregiver for her personal needs and emotionally I'm somehow tied to her body. I know this sound very very weird.

When she died and they were removing her body, just as they were rolling her body near the car I touched her body and it felt as if she was clawing at my insides like she didn't want to go with them. I broke down because of course. Before they took her I cleaned her, dressed her and put her in a much nicer position for us to see her in a more restful position so we could remember her in a better way. I think this is very lost on our modern western culture. It was therapeutic for me.

When she was in her casket, I did kiss her and hold her hand. I know that sounds morbid, but it was something that I could still see bits of my mom. I knew her spirit was no longer in her body, but I felt it was still with us then.

When the funeral happened, I was ok, but for the first five months I had to go to her grave every week. I had to make sure her grave was clean etc.

I live in Canada and about 55 degrees north, and right now it is very cold here. Now when I go to visit her grave, I have a hard time because even though I know she is no longer in her body, knowing her body is frozen underground REALLY bothers me.

I understand I have a weird attachment to her physical shell. I know it is in part because I took care of her personal needs before she died and it was one of the few things she would let me do for her in her lifetime. As a child I probably experienced more physical attention from her than my siblings as I was the youngest) and also we lived close by in the same city.

I yearn to have another day where she is alive and healthy just so she can give me a hug, so we can talk, etc.

I've decided long ago that I would be cremated, but I don't know why these weird feelings won't subside. I feel like I'm very abnormal to have this.

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It doesn't sound weird to me at all. I also took care of my mom and I have her ashes in her bedroom, which I am in all the time, and talk to her all the time. I know her "body" is gone, but I feel she is still hearing me. I did put some of her clothes away in a storage container, but have not thrown out anything. It's like I think she might come back and need them! I even still have her toothbrush and toothpaste, brush, etc. in her bathroom. It's normal to "hang on" even when we know they are gone physically. So relax, you're not going crazy! You just still feel close to her and that's good.



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There is nothing weird about the way you feel. i was also the youngest, very close to my mom and took care of her while she was dying . i felt the same way, i kissed her many times in the casket. she was my mother and i felt i needed to. your feeling about her being cold in the ground will start to get less and less, i know mine did. it just takes time, i didn't believe this in the beginning but it does help. lori

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Hello, there:

Please accept my deepest condolences for the loss of your mother.

You're feelings aren't strange at all....they're how you're feeling right now. This discussion board is a kind, safe place to share your thoughts. Everyone here is a heart with ears.

I lost my Dad a year and a half ago. I thought this past fall would be better, but on his birthday (November 1st), I had the same pain in the small of my back (right where the kidneys are) that I had for about eight months after he died. The pain continued on through the holidays this year and subsided after the New Year's holiday. One of my Dad's causes of death was renal failure, so I'm wondering if it's a subconscious way of trying to connect with him. I still haven't been able to clear out his dresser drawer. I can totally relate to what you're saying.

I'm glad you found us.

Love and hugs,


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Dear One:

Nothing at all you are doing right now is weird, strange, or out-of-the ordinary. Remember you are mostly likely experiencing something you've never experienced before. I had lost a close grandmother about 12 years ago but she was ready to go and told us this many times. It made her death so much more acceptable to us.

But when my Mom died almost five months ago, it was the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life. How am I supposed to act? What am I supposed to feel? How do I make through each minute of each day? Because I miss her each minute of each day.

I truly believe there are no rules---no standards for this time of our lives. I'm told eventually we will be coping better than we ever imagined. Don't question your feelings and whether they are right or wrong. Someday, you'll look back at these feelings and their meanings will make sense to you.

I am so sorry for your loss. Keep coming back...as I read earlier in one of your replies...and its so true...this is a safe kind place for you.

My heart aches for you!


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My heart aches for anyone of you who has lost a mother- mine has been gone for 8 months, now. There is nothing you can think or feel that we all have not felt from time to time. I think about my mom in the grave all of the time. I also kissed her many times at the funeral and held her hand.... I don't think there is any right or wrong.. it is just to get through the moment. I think everyone is a little crazy, anyway- you would have to be to even be able to go through what you do on earth.

My heart goes out to you all. There is not a day that goes by that my mom is not in my thoughts through out the day... I miss her now as much as ever.


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Thank you all for your replies. They make me feel a bit better about my feelings.

We are again having a cold snap and I just can't go out to her grave. As much as I want to, it's too hard to go out there and feel so cold and know she has been underground in this horrendous cold.

Intellectually I know it's just something I can't get past right now.

I am very lucky that my aunt who was very close to my mom phones me weekly. It helps that we talk to one another. We would only talk every few months before mom died but now we talk weekly. It helps us both through the loss.

It was a year ago that my mom was in the hospital and was more or less told that she likely had gallbladder cancer. It is rare. She would have these attacks but she just got used to it. They had to keep her in the hospital because she ended up with pancreatitus (inflammation of the pancreas).

Her birthday is coming up on Valentines day. That will be such a very hard day. I will visit her grave on her birthday and bring a few roses, but I don't know how I will make it through that day.

I just feel so sad that she is not here. Our birthdays are a month apart. It was hard on my birthday, but I can already feel that her birthday will be much more difficult for me.

Thanks everyone for listening...

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I took the advice of some friends from this sight- and I got balloons for my mom's birthday my brothers and dad and I went to her grave and let them go- it sounds funny, but it some strange way it made me feel a little better. All of these occasions are very very hard on the one's that are left.

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  • 2 weeks later...

After reading these messages, has brought up just sad memories of my mom. I came home from work, found her on the couch not breathing. Pulled her off to give her CPR. Everything was cold, except for her body. I felt sick. I called 911, went outside and just sat in the garage until help came. I couldn't bare to look at her anymore.

At the funeral home, I didn't want to go in. But my aunt and grandmother helped me through. And when I saw my mom......she was beautiful. She was my mom, and I felt this warmth, even though she was gone. And right then and there I didn't want to leave her side. I stayed and stayed until they put her into the ground. She was still my mom, body and all.

I know exactly what you were feeling. I miss my mom dearly. And oftentimes I do think of her body there all alone, in the ground, on top of my fathers. It drove me crazy for months after her death. It's hard to deal with. Right now, she doesn't have a headstone, just my fathers. It sickens me and makes me sad. That day was the most horrible of horrilbe.

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