The Best Of Intentions

[Elizabeth A.]

Over a week ago I contacted my cousin to tell her I wasn't in the mood for a party and that I didn't want to attend her Superbowl bash, because I didn't feel like putting on a happy face. She understood and I thought that would be the end of it.

But then my sister found out I wasn't going and all weekend she has treated me with kid gloves. She took me out for dinner Friday, Saturday she called to check up on me at least twice time keeping me on the phone for an extended period of time each time even though she had college homework she needed to be doing, tried to buy a designer handbag for me to make it "right" (which I don't even know what that means) and came over and watched a movie with me this afternoon. Sure it's great to have someone want to spend time with you, but seriously it has felt like she was afraid to leave me alone or something. Like I had a broken bone that needed to mend. Then when she goes to leave (to go watch the game, nice glaring reminder of what I'm not doing) she say's "I hope you feel better". As though mouring is an illness that will just go away.

So what would have been a nice evening with dh out of the house and dd asleep in her bed, instead has me thinking about all the sad things I don't want to think about and so here I am a weepy mess, afraid to just go to bed early, I know when I get there I wont sleep.

My head hurts and my heart hurts, why does it feel like everytime I can put the hurt away and move forward it comes rushing back before I can move?

[karenb]

Hi Elizabeth,

Well, I guess the best of intentions are just that, "the best of intentions." Sometimes, I'm sure you know, people just don't know how to act around us and do the things that she did - "with the best of intentions." Then, when they have done what they feel will help, they're gone and you're left. It's pretty hard dealing with all these things and being annoyed with what people are trying to do and you don't want done is one of those hard things. Just know that we just have to continue on with our lives and people who try to care for us in their own ways. It seems so different that all the holidays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, etc. are right up there with Super Bowl. Oh, well! Hang in there, Elizabeth, we're all with you. Take good care of yourself.

Your friend, Karen

[Elizabeth A.]

Thanks Karen,

I decided when I got up today, that today will be a better day. Here's hoping. It's so strange, foreign really, that my sister would try to "fix" me. It was like sticking a finger in a wound now it's all sore and sad again. Not that it was better before I was just getting better at "ignoring the pain." So now that "what if's" have all come back.

I know the course of nature says that we are born and we eventually die. But that really doesn't seem to make things any better. Thanks again for your kind words.

[WendyJ]

Elizabeth,

I think your sister was trying real hard to cheer you up even if only for short moments. She sounds young but regardless of her age people know they can't bring our loved ones back to us and they really don't know what to do. It sounds to me like your sister loves you very much and wanted to be there for you. I know alot of times when we feel desperate we say things like " I don't wanna live without him/her" or " I can't go on like this anymore" and sometimes that frightens people to thinking we may do something to ourselves and believe me I don't think there is anyone here who may not have thought of that very thing at some point, I know I did although I never would have gone through with it. Maybe you said something like that and it frightened her? I think you have a wonderful sister there and she is very concerned about you. Take this extra attention right now, believe me it doesn't last forever.

Hugs,

Wendy

[Elizabeth A.]

Wendy~

That is certainly one reason, but I'm sure I didn't say anything like that. My sister is extremely sensitive, so I do have to be careful about what I do and don't say around her. (which can make things harder too) Before I knew what a landside of sadness these days would be, I went along with my mother's suggestion to not tell my siblings all of the details of my losses (they are 7, 9, 18, and 20). That very well might have been the wrong choice especially where my sister is concerned. Also her being 20 I'm sure it was difficult for her to imagine me not wanting to go to a party. Though we are somewhat alike we are also very different.

She is very good to me, I know, I am blessed to have someone as compassionate as my sister in my life.

[WendyJ]

Elizabeth you are young then too? You mentioned losses, I am sorry I don't think I ever saw if you wrote a note to the group introducing yourself so I do not know your situation or the fact that you had more than one loss. Hang in there and come here often, honestly I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have this group to come and vent to and cry my eyes out to. I am interested in your situation if you would like to talk about it, if not that is fine too. Talk to you soon,

Hugs,

Wendy

[Elizabeth A.]

Wendy~

I'm 27, though I have known more pain, both physically and emotionally than I would ever wish on anyone. That's what got me. I always felt like I suffered so my friends and family wouldn't. My sister is the lucky one and I am the magnet for pain. Literally I figured the odds and said hey if it's this bad here, it can't be bad if you stand next to me (the lightening doesn't strike twice in the same place theory). But in the end all theories are just that, and don't hold water. The only way I can think to tell my story is a list and that just seems so meaningless... We all have losses, and I'm guess I'm no worse off than anyone else. How did Margaret on MASH put it last night? "Sure you have more to loose, but that's because you had more to start with"

I think you've commented on my posts, so just nod your head and skip ahead, I have lost the three kittens KitTin, Samantha and Herbie, and worry every day (until Sunday when the test will be done) that MY three kitties might have one or both of those horrible diseases.

I lost an entire family of friends who meant more than they will ever know, through a terrible, horrible, tragedy right before Christmas. There is a local stigma surrounding the entire thing, so to grieve is to also wonder if there was anything more I could have done.

It was those very friends who helped me so much through the loss of my father and my paternal grandparents while I was pregnant with my daughter 3 years ago. I miss my friends so much that I've had dreams of them, and when I think on it to long I get horrible headaches that are only good to drive me to bed.

I have a physical pain that sits in my throat and over my heart as though the world is sitting on me, waiting. Waiting for what I don't know. I know I've forgotten something, someone, but my head hurts again, so I'll have to leave this, sorry.

Oh and the car accident. On Jan. 15, is the day I celebrate to be alive, but really I'm mourning my loss of self. On my way to work I was in a fender bender and when I was on my way back from having gone to call the police, when I was "run over" by a car and was spun down the side of the vehicle while it was going 50 miles per hour. You feel horrified, but I've told the story so many times I tell it totally stone face, because it's in the past.

It's the bad leg I signed the papers to amputate four times (that they never amputated) that causes me nearly constant pain now. I'll take physical pain over emotional grief any day. Don't dwell on it, I'll be okay.

[karenb]

Hi Elizabeth,

I'm a grandma...my oldest grandchild is 25...just so you know me a little, too. Yes, we all have losses and it sounds like yours are many for such a young age. I can see you're a wonderful animal lover....my daughter is a bit of a rescurer but ends out keeping them. I see you're a mother and have good friends, that's good. I don't know what your story is, but it sounds like it could break my heart, dear. It sounds like you maybe need to look "for you." I'm so sorry for all your grief and I do pray that these pains will lessen.

Your friend, Karen

[Elizabeth A.]

Thank you Karen

I find that coming to this site in the evening, when the house is quiet, when I try not to cry, but doing so anyway, seems to help me. I lost my maternal grandmother when I was 18 and my maternal grandfather when I was 19. They were wonderful people. None better. Your grandchildren are blessed to have you. When I was pregnant with my daughter it was very hard for me to accept that my daughter wouldn't have any grandfather(s) or as we call them in my family papa(s). But this to has softened with time, as I suppose everything will. We just don't buy those "my grandpa" shirts.

I've seen you mention your daughter in other posts, she must be very important to you. How many critters does she have? We (we DH and I have accquired quite a few ourselves) I am lucky to have my mother, we talk almost daily and for sure visit weekly.

[karenb]

Hi there my friend,

My children are extremely important to me. My daughter, my son who suffers from a mental problem, and my son with his wife in Kauai, Hawaii. Like you my life has never been easy, nor my children's lives, with their father. When I married my husband that died, my children truly loved him, as did I. My daughter lives close to me and she absolutely loves animals, insects, etc., won't be involved in the killing of anything. She rescued a dog one time that was, we think, pretty much brain challenged. One day she was called because he was walking right down the middle of a very busy street just like it was his daily walk. That was pretty funny! He finally had to go to his Maker...just too old. I've had lots of dogs I truly love. When my last one was on her last legs I got a puppy so she could train her. My Sadie Mae is my constant companion and those big brown eyes just look at me with love. I'm so glad you love your mother....that's so important! We love to hear from you. Cry if you need to...it does help.

Your friend, Karen

[WendyJ]

Oh Elizabeth I have talked to you on the pet section, I'm sorry I didn't realize it was you. Please let me know what happens with the kitties, I have been wondering how they are.

Love,

Wendy

[Elizabeth A.]

Good Morning! Not logging in last night was a bad idea I didn't manage to get to sleep until after 2. UGH! So, Karen I can understand animals that aren't all "home" right this minute, as I type my Sunny cat is flipping his tail over my arms so that I will love on him. He has two operations before he was a month old and could have left this world for a dozen different reasons, but somehow he pulled though.

Let's see. He will completely scare himself into a tizzy over a peice of paper, sock whatever is there to bat at. Which he will hit with such a force as to cause it to fly up into the air, which scares the daylights out of him and will scratch anything in a desprate attempt to get away. He misses him jumps and the diggs his claws into the table, surface ect trying so hard to get back to where he fell from (which one eye his vision isn't the best). We assume the pressure of his ruptured lens (of his eye that was removed) placed a lot of pressure on his brain, truly leaving him a little brain damaged.

He tried to burn my house down when my daughter was 6 months old. Because he'd tried to get up on the stove (which is propane gas) and had struggled with his arms/paws to gain a grip and ended up turning the stove WAY WAY up. My dh had forgotten something so we stopped off at home and heard that "clicking" and smelled the stinky smell. Luckily, it only burned my teapot and not anything else. I have since pulled off all the knobs for the stove so he can't "turn it on" My silly boy.

Here's wishing you a peaceful day~

[shell]

Elizabeth,

I love hearing stories from other animal lovers about their babies. I have ten cats inside and seventeen outside and they are all strays and characters! But they are the most wonderful thing in my life! Your little guy sounds so special and is lucky to have a mom like you to take care of him.

Hugs,

Shell

[WendyJ]

Me too Shell, I don't know what I would have done this past year without my 7 little Japanese Chins ! They cuddled with me when they knew I was crying or sad, got me to play with them when I was feeling down and reminded each and every day how they depended on me to feed and take care of them. I needed that to keep me going and love them with all my heart ! From the day Steve passed to the present they still continue to sleep all around me at night to comfort me.

Love,

Wendy

[shell]

Wendy,

The same with my babies, being so in tune with my feelings. In fact, that's what helped me a lot, was realizing that my mood was affecting them and making them depressed and worried and unhappy. One day I looked at them and decided that I was going to have to be happy for them, even if I was faking it. So I started acting cheerful and they perked up, but it's like the old expression "Fake it until you can make it". Just by faking it for them, I began to actually feel happier. Of course seeing them happy again was a tremendous help too. They are truly my lifesaver and always have been.

Hugs,

Shell

[WendyJ]

You know Shell sometimes it is downright spooky as a couple of them will come up on my lap and start kissing my face as they know within minutes the tears are going to start and I could be just sitting there doing nothing to clue them in. They are so intuned to your emotions as I have been told the Japanese Chin are the most sensitive to human emotions....so so true.

Love,

Wendy

[Elizabeth A.]

I agree completely, my cat "Kitty" is my "Big Momma" You know the woman who always smothers her family with lovin'? Picture that in my very large Calico cat.

Like I say she's the mom, and whenever I have "mom" sadness, she is always there for me. When I weaned Jessica and was a hormonal wreck for a week (Jessica was fine and couldn't have cared one bit) Kitty was right there, if I had looked down at my feet I would have found her. Everytime I sit on the couch in the quiet of the moring, Kitty suddenly springs to life almost as if she's thinking "uh, oh let me grab my mom hat, she's (me) is about to cry!"

Hugs~

[WendyJ]

I always tell people I have a train at home. As I go from room to room I have 7 little being who will follow me everywhere I go. SOmetimes I like to be funny ( well to me not to them) and stop short and watch them all fall over eachother as if the train just went off the tracks. They would look like elephants in teh circus if they would just hold eachothers tails ! LOL Gosh what would I do without them !

Love,

Wendy

[karenb]

Wendy,

The mental image of your "train" is really funny! I can just see it. I do silly things with Sadie Mae (my black lab) especially lately when we haven't had a break in the weather for a long time. She and I, both, are so terribly bored with not getting outside hardly at all. She's got her toys and she loves "chase" so I throw them in the air and we both go for them. I have to be careful because she's so big, or I crawl on the floor very slowly after her to see how she acts. But the one thing we both love is "hide and seek." I'll throw something in the air and while she's getting it I'll run and hide behind a door or furniture or wherever and just wait to see if she finds me, or knock on the wall. When she does I go, "oogly boogly" and chase her. She just loves it and it's funny to see her eyes when I "oogly boogly" her. Well, I guess that may be boring to some people but us animal lovers have fun doing these silly things like stopping in the middle of your "choo-choo" thing. Funny sight!

Your friend, Karen

[shell]

Wendy, Karen, Elizabeth,

We're so lucky to have our babies, huh? My favorite time is when I can take a nap and have several of them all cuddled up with me. They also keep me very busy, as they are quite determined (I like to call it that instead of spoiled!)that they should have what they want, when they want it! Give all your babies a kiss from me!

Hugs,

Shell

[WendyJ]

Karen that is too funny ! I am going to have to try that hide and seek game except I am at a big disadvantage with 7, someone will always see me hiding I think. I am still giggling here picturing Sadie's face when you go Oogly Boogly ! LOL

Love,

Wendy

Shell kisses to all your kitties too !

[Elizabeth A.]

Okay I have to tell you ladies the morning I've had.

My cats are on "Babysitter" mode. I was sick in bed yesterday, and so today they wont let me do much of anything ("Don't over do it mom!") First it was Kitty who feels like 30 lbs, but is really around 15 lbs, she would hardly let me get out of bed, sitting on me purring, ect.

Then when I was able to get away to get up, it was Sunny's turn. He parked himself infront of everything. Pet me now, now please now. Normally in the mornings he's close, like a cup of coffee, but this morning he was like glue to me. If I'd try to do something he'd stand and look at me like "and where do you think you're going?!?!" For now (since I'm at the PC I suppose) they have all gone off to their normal goings on (sleeping?) I keep waiting for the youngest the Alpha cat (yes I have an Alpha cat, I also have an Omega, it's rather amazing and sad at the same time, but I can't help what they do) to come up and take her turn at "sitting" me.

Wendy~ Do you have a photo of your Chins? I don't know what they look like, they sound very furry. If you don't maybe I'll google them.

Ooogly Booogly!

[WendyJ]

Hey Elizabeth, when I had my cats I had an alpha too which I thought was unusual...she was my Maine Coon and she even bossed the dogs around. She was the queen of the house and she knew it ! How are you feeling today, that is amazing that they didn't want you to do too much today ! I will include a couple pics of some of my Japanese Chins but I am afraid if I include all of them it may effect people with dial up, not sure how that works.

(((HUGS)))

Wendy

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[shell]

Oh Wendy, how cute! Thanks for posting the pics. I'd try to send my cats, but it's hard to get 27 to sit for a "group" shot! Kisses to your gang too!

Hugs,

Shell

[Elizabeth A.]

Wendy what beautiful babies you have! Truly I don't think I've ever laid eyes on a dog as that one with the bunny. Truly what do they weigh like 7lbs? Adorable, completely adoreable.

I seem to be doing better. My husband thinks I must have hurt my stomache because it's very tender and even though I'm not outwardly physically any more I don't really want to eat and lots of stuff sounds "ugh".

We seem to be on a bad roll, my family and I. A little girl who attends the school where my sister works as a teachers aid died over the weekend in a car accident. I never know what to say about car accidents. It's really hard for me, having been scraped off the side of the road myself. I just feel like the sore thumb. The "I'm sorry it wasn't my time so lived through a car accident and your friend/child/loved one didn't." I wish we had a way to make the roads safer so things like this didn't happen. But I don't have the answers. Bumper pads, Like Bumper Cars and Maxi Pads only the bumper pads will keep you in your own area, not out of it. Unlike bumber cars which seem to make people want to hit you.

Shell~ I've always thought it would be hard to get my three lined up pretty, I can't imagine even thinking about trying to get 27!