Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost?

[goddessinsecta]

Hi, Mikey---

I am late to the "party" (huh! some party), but I want to tell you how sorry I am that you lost Pumpkin. I lost a kitten to feline leuk, too. Penrod was 13 months and 13 days old, and he died on the 13th of June, 1989. My pain today when I think of him is every bit as fresh as the day I lost him. It's maddening when a person gives you that fakey kind of smile and says, "I know just how you feel.". They don't. But maybe, just maybe, I do. And you understand me, too. It's so painful to love like we do.

I am new here, just joined today. I am here due to a far greater grief even than losing Penny. It's so bad that I can't even talk about it yet.

Those idiots at Reader's Digest don't have a clue about what constitutes good writing. Your article was incredibly touching, celebrating the lives of your pets, yet being in intractable pain due to their passing. You are a fine writer. Please write some more. A lot more!

Again, I am so sorry that you lost your baby. There's a special circle of hell for that demonic virus.

Be good to yourself and take your time healing. You--and your welfare, feelings, and journey in grief--are important here.

[MikeyW]

Dear goddessinsecta,

Thank you for your kind words about my writing. I can tell you that my heart was completely in what I wrote. I once read that writing about something so terrible helps to heal, so I wrote.

I'm sorry about Penrod. Even younger than my babies. No age is good for loss. I know you can't look forward to the number 13. I can tell you that my Dad was born on March 13, so I looked forward to that day. He was a great Dad and very nice person.

I'd LOVE to get a lap cat, just as Pumpkin and Muggsy were. Randolph II and Camille are not as loving as Pumpkin and Muggsy, so that's why I miss them so much. My wife is against the idea, as she said two's company and three's a crowd. Also, that Randolph and Camille may very well not like the new addition to the family. Also, part of her allergies are cats. But, I think that part of a "cure," although it's not exactly a cure, is to get another loving, affectionate pet. Yes, we'll ALWAYS miss the special ones, but I believe some sort of replacement (that's not really the word I want to use) would make the grief a bit less severe, as our love would not be bottled up with nowhere to go.

This is one "party" I wish no one would EVER have to attend!!! All I can say is welcome to the club. The club stinks, but the people are wonderful!!!

-Mikey

[goddessinsecta]

Hi again, Mikey--

Thank you for writing back. It sounds as if you are on the road to healing in very healthy ways. While no pet can be a substitute for another, they can still be so very comforting in and of themselves. We have eight cats and two dogs. I am thinking of buying stock in the company that sells the sticky clothes-roller thing that gets rid of the cat hair. It sounds as if your lap was full with Pumpkin and Muggsy, too! Ours certainly are. I hope you can get a fine new lap-sitter soon.

As far as the number 13, I love it in spite of Penny living all those thirteens. I was born on a Friday 13th of May, and our newest kitten, Chance (found at a bank drive-through!), entered our lives on Friday, July 13th, 2007. Baby Penrod died with all those thirteens, but he was sick, and so that became his lucky day. As sad as I was and am at being cheated of a proper cat lifetime spent with him, I am--and always will be--at peace with that day.

Again, thank you for writing and extending a welcome to me. Please write some more so I can read it again soon. You are very, very talented. Maybe you could write something funny, say, about your babies and I'll promise to write back with my experiences. Or anything else you'd like to write about, for that matter. If anyone else would like to do that, why, that would be fine. It helps to get to know people even better to read about what is important to them.

Take care, and perhaps we will be writing more very soon!

Margaret

[goddessinsecta]

Oh, and P.S. Mikey---

Sneak another one into your lives as soon as you are ready. Don't worry about the wife! She'll love it. Get either a wee little tyke or a big, affectionate, squashy lap sitter that needs a home. I have noticed in the lives of my pets that the younger they are, the more infantile they remain. I don't recommend getting one younger than 7 weeks, but we had that happen twice with two dying five-week old babies, just three months apart---and one was my Penny, who was so infantile that he would nurse on my ear every night, including the night before he died. The other, Fanchon H'sa, was a gorgeous little lynx-point Siamese female who grew, prospered, and lived 17 happy years with us. She was so small and sick that we kept her in a genuine sheepskin rug turned over on itself shaggy-sides in like a taco, and we shoved her in there. She lived there for three solid weeks until she was strong enough to come out. The way we knew she was still alive was that the food would be gone and there were little litter tracks leading from her cat box back to the sheepskin. She nursed on that sheepskin rug until the day she died. Kind of gross, but you can machine wash sheepskins and tumble dry them! Anyway, you get the point. Infantile cats are my specialest, most favoritest, bestest puddies.

[MikeyW]

Dear Margaret,

I can't sneak another cat in. Maybe someday we'll get another one in here.

Here's a funny story. I don't know if you ever saw the old Catnip and Herman cartoons as a kid. Catnip was the cat and Herman was the mouse, who had mouse friends. Whenever Catnip was about to chase them, they yelled, "It's Catnip!!!" Whenever I give the kids catnip as a treat, I yell, "It's Catnip!!!" in a high pitched voice. They come running because they know what they're getting. Years ago I offered Hartz Mountain the use of Randolph I and Muggsy for a catnip commercial, but they weren't interested. Oh, well. We get a good laugh about it.

Also, Randolph I sucked on Carolyn's ear. I called him a "Mothersucker." We loved when he did it. So sweet and innocent.

What you did with Fanchon H'sa wasn't gross. We do what we can to help ou kids survive out of love and the hope it will help them. Nothing gross or sick about it.

-Mikey

[MikeyW]

Dear Friends,

I noticed the last week or two that I really don't grieve anymore. I can't really give an explanation as to why. I still deeply love my departed babies.

Yet, it seems that my thinking about them has diminished greatly, as has the pain. I wish the same for ALL of you.

Maybe it's because I'm busy writing my book and thinking about the things I have to do with it. I really don't know what happened, or I'd be happy to share my knowledge with you.

One thing I did do was sent in "Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost?" into a writers competition. Perhaps when I sent it in via e-mail, I was letting go of the pain and the past. That's probably about the best guess I can make.

Once in a while I will feel a twinge, but not often. I like not having the burden of grief. May you ALL feel the same shortly.

Most Sincerely,

Mikey

[Elizabeth A.]

Dearest Mike,

I'm glad to feel the pain in your heart has lessened. I heard someone comment the other day that when we loose a pet we never really get over the loss of them, rather we learn to live without them. It's sad, but I feel the truth in it. Take care, and best wishes.

[MikeyW]

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you. I hope your pain has lessened greatly. I feel as though a very heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders. May you and everyone else feel the same relief.

-Mike

[Elizabeth A.]

I'm truly glad to hear it Mike, my heart is still heavy, but I have experienced many deaths in the past 6 months some of which have been part of ongoing police investigations, which is a constanst dredging of the heart. Be Well, my friend.

Edited July 1, 2008 by Elizabeth A.

[MikeyW]

Dear Elizabeth,

I hope your life will improve quickly. I don't know why life has to be such a pain in the butt!!! It should be easier than it is - or isn't.I guess all we can do to get some sort of joy is work on projects we enjoy and stay in contact with people that bring us up instead of down. Travel is alwo wonderful for a change of scenery.

-Mike

[MikeyW]

Dear Friends,

The grief about losing Pumpkin returned about 3 weeks ago. It goes on and off. Here we go again.

I guess it will pass. This reinforces my feeling that I wish I never knew her. That way, the burden of loss and the pain of heartache wouldn't be here.

From what we've observed, Camille is needier and whinier. Much of the time when we're at the computer desk, she's next to us on her towel. She's not really affectionate, but she's sweet and loving in her own way. No doubt she also misses her mom.

Sometimes life really sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-MikeyW

[puffysmammyforever]

Mikey, I am wondering if you, or any of you, have gotten any better over time. I read with horror sometimes how long many people still grieve, as I am still consumed with guilt and debilitating sadness over the death of my beloved cat Puffy this past Monday due to kidney failure. I loved this cat more than anything, and many are nervous about me and my reaction (though I always knew it would be awful - this was my soulmate). I do not have the strength to write about this now (even though I am a writer by trade), but have to feel that solace does come eventually. I feel like I cannot go on. This is the sharpest pain I have ever ever felt in my life and I feel like I will not be able to live knowing that the pain won't dissipate. I live on the verge of collapse every minute....I cannot function.

I truly need some help.....

[Maylissa]

puffysmammyforever,

Please accept my heartfelt condolences for your very real grief over your soulmate and darling, Puffy. It hurts more than you ever imagined, I'm sure.

For me it's been 2 years and almost 2 months since my fur-daughter left this plane. She was the largest part of my world, and as her Mother, I know it will always hurt, just as it still does about her brother (my fur-son), whom we lost 6.5 years before her. The only way I can imagine I might not stay hurting is if I can have a direct and personal experience of actually crossing this plane into the one they're in, temporarily, and thereby KNOWING what it's like for them there (and what it will be like for me, too, someday), KNOWING exactly how they're doing, and essentially communing with their essences in the fullest of ways, however that might be.

However, I can still say that although I can, so far, still have a good number of moments where my heart is screaming out, "I really can't stand being without them anymore!," that intensity DOES pass once again, and I go about my days in my "new normal" as best I can. Through this time, I have experienced some joys again, even if they're not (yet?) as 'brilliant' as they once were, when both of my kids were still here, or even when just my girl was still here. But there's still barely a moment when my girl isn't in my thoughts somehow, some way.

That said, everyone's different, and I've heard of many others who are farther along this empty road than I. But again, each to his/her own, and I happen to be one of the slower ones to heal. Most people who were incredibly attached to their furbabies say that a piece of them is forever missing, though. But how that 'looks' and feels is still very individual.

Just remember that your grief is still very, very new, so give yourself as much time as YOU need, as it's a real roller-coaster of emotional upheaval. How long that will last is again very individual. Many of us cannot function worth beans for quite awhile, so don't panic about it. Just allow yourself the permission to feel whatever you do, for as long as it takes. It does ease up in time, with reflection and just going through your own processes, though. Be patient, just as you would have with your dear Puffy. We need to treat ourselves with kindness and compassion during our mourning.

I knew it would be hell-on-earth for myself, too, and it was, and still is in some ways, but the thing is, you still have to go through it the way it will be (which can be unpredictable & predictable, depending) for YOU.

Hang in there as best you can (which might feel like "not at ALL!" at times) and write about whatever you need to here, whenever you want.

Grief...is only the beginning.

After a time it becomes something less

sharp, but larger too, a more enduring

thing called loss.

~Anna Quindlin~

[MikeyW]

Mikey, I am wondering if you, or any of you, have gotten any better over time. I read with horror sometimes how long many people still grieve, as I am still consumed with guilt and debilitating sadness over the death of my beloved cat Puffy this past Monday due to kidney failure. I loved this cat more than anything, and many are nervous about me and my reaction (though I always knew it would be awful - this was my soulmate). I do not have the strength to write about this now (even though I am a writer by trade), but have to feel that solace does come eventually. I feel like I cannot go on. This is the sharpest pain I have ever ever felt in my life and I feel like I will not be able to live knowing that the pain won't dissipate. I live on the verge of collapse every minute....I cannot function.

I truly need some help.....

Dear puffysmammyforever,

I'm very sorry for your loss. You know that I and everyone else knows the terrible ordeal you're going through. We also know you are NOT guilty of anything wrong. This is when it is better to not have loved because of the deep loss. Especially a soulmate. Pumpkin, Randolph I, Muggsy, and my dog Brandy felt like soulmates.

Yes, it does get better with time. You will fall back into the painful times. My own feeling is that somewhere along the line, maybe you should get another loved one. To have such a great amount of love on the inside bottled up because Puffy isn't there to receive it is part of what's killing you.

One thing I can suggest is when you think you may feel up to it is to visit an animal shelter and see how you handle it. I did so a few months ago. I didn't want to do it, but I wanted to test myself to see how I'd handle it. I didn't go to pieces like I thought I would.

Yes, the grief can last for years. Although it will diminish, the emptiness and pain will still be there, although the pain won't be nearly as severe as it is now. Do not do anything rash!!! You have the chance to save and love at least one more Puffy. The more pets we can save, that means less will be put to sleep. You have love to give another cat or two or three. Do so. But, first get through this terrible time. It stinks. There's no way around it.

We all know you did all you could for Puffy, just as we all did all we could for our babies.

I promise you things will get better, although the hole in your heart and soul will remain, although to a greatly diminished degree. Yes, time does heal the wound, although not really 100% of the time. But, it won't be nearly as bad as it is now.

Randolph II looks like the spitting image of Randolph I. That has been a great help to me. Their personalities are not totally the same. I was closer to Randolph I. But, the physical similarity has helped tremendously, although Randolph II is a girl. I couldn't call her anything but Randolph.

If you can get a spitting image of Puffy, that should help. If not, I hope you get one that is a great loving baby just like Puffy.

You are not alone. Maylissa- thank you for your response on this. I hope all is well with you.

Good luck to us all, ladies.

Love,

Mikey

[puffysmammyforever]

I do have other babies. Three cats and one dog. One of the cats is so similar looking to Puffy that I once brought one to the vet and had to second guess if I had the right one. It does not help me, I'm sorry to say. Puffy was one in a million - I had such a connection to him that it was indescribable. I love all my babies, but Puffy was my SOULMATE, and I feel like I let him down. I just CANNOT forgive myself. I want to know there wasn't much I could have done had I brought him earlier. I want to know that maybe this was the best for HIM so I can surive. I'm living in positive agony. I hate myself and want to die.

I cannot even grieve properly because the guilt is making me so ill.

I JUST received the message that his ashes in, and the reality and finality of this is just more than I can bear. I will never be the same, and I cannot imagine not being the same.

[MartyT]

Dear One,

I can feel the anguish in your posts, and my heart hurts for you. Please know that we're all holding you close, and we understand your pain because we've all been in a place similar to the one you are in right now.

I want to point you to some posts and readings that I hope will be helpful to you, especially if you're willing to follow some of the links you'll find along the way:

I Am Totally Beside Myself Tonight

Breaking the Power of Guilt

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt

 

[MikeyW]

Dear puffysmammyforever,

Please try not to feel guilty. You know you tried your best for Puffy because of your love for him. We all did that for our babies!!! You won't be the same, as we are also changed. All you can do is love your other babies more, as they love you, too. No, it's not Puffy. And that stinks!!! All you can do is go on, just as we have. If something were to happen to you, what would happen to your 3 cats and one dog? That's 4 loving babies whose lives you saved. I know it's not Puffy. But they love you, too. Give them extra love. It helps with the loss, although it feels like it doesn't.

-Mikey

[corinne grasee]

"Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains unawakened".

I am not sure who wrote this but I love it. I lost my dog, a friend that touched my soul by just looking at me. His name is Michael, he was 11 years old and his poor heart just could not keep working. He passed over at approximately 10:15 a.m. on November 5th. I looked into his eyes making sure he knew that I (we) loved him. I am new to this website and was referred here by the AHS. I am unable to go even one day without crying 2-3 times. I am unable to prepare for the holidays. My husband and I have agreed that we will not celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas. I have lost many friends over the years, maybe its the burden of all. My husband says it was because Michael and I had a touching of souls. Is that possible? Are we insane? I had one sister say "life has to go on" and another sister that related. Michaels partner, Marvin, is also having separation issues. We are not sure what to do. Marvin, 10 years, rarely eats, he is glued to our hips. We hold him and reassure him but are not sure how to deal with this issure. We try not to leave him alone. Thank you for just letting me do this. Hope I have done (posted this) right

[leeann]

Oh Corinne I'm so sorry your beloved Michael has passed.

10 years.. a long time for anyone to have the blessing of a pet. They are truly part of the family.

Yes I agree .... that is a beautiful statement about loving an animal. My Dad used to say we need the pets in our lives to give us a living breathing example of unconditional love.

I think it is all about love with our pets too as well as our other family and friends. Michael sounds like he was so very connected to you and as with anyone that we feel such a closeness with... losing them hurts and hurts badly. Sure your sis is right in a way... life does in deed go on. But.. it goes on differently. It can't be as it once was. I think we just learn eventually to live without that person or pet physically here with us. But that takes time.

Crying 2-3 times a day.. oh hon.. I wouldn't worry at all about that. I found expressing my emotions without judging them to be one of the best ways I can get through my grief journeys. So I would think you are better off letting those tears fall.

Marvin.. is grieving too. But I think.. the pet that is left.. follows our leads. They sense our sadness so him not eating and not himself is kinda normal.. because you aren't yourselves either right now. I'm sure in time.. he'll go back to eating and not having to be so closely attached. You will get through this. And Marvin may just help you along. Caring fo rhim may help you quite a bit.

As for the holidays... well Thanksgiving being next week... I would think at the least things may be a bit subdued in your household quite understandably.

As we go towards Christmas.. wait and see how you feel. I wouldn't make any big decisions right now about it. I found just staying in the day I'm in and not looking too far forward helps me. I don't know how I am going to feel tomorrow because it hasn't arrived yet. I only know how I feel right now.

But like learning to live everyday without Michael padding around your home... you will eventually learn how to get through a Holiday without him too. You will get there.

But losing a pet so beloved as your Michael was... is definitely difficult. So go gently with yourself and try not to judge your feelings. They are just that.. your feelings.. and not right or wrong.. they just are.

Glad you found us... but so sorry you had to.

Have you been able to visit the Rainbow Bridge site yet? It is a great site.

Here is the link for it:

http://www.rainbowbridgepets.com/

Also http://petloss.com/ has a good one too.

(((hugs)))

leeann

[MikeyW]

Dear Friends,

Now that some time has gone by since we've posted, I'm curious as to how everyone is faring. We still have Randolph II and Camille. I still want a lap cat, but finances are an issue, as well as acceptance of a new cat-especially by Randolph.

I don't think of Muggsy, Randolph I, and Pumpkin every day, but I still do get some tough moments, although time has helped. I still do hope when I die that we'll be together again.

To answer my question - "Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost?" No. The pain and loss are too hard to bear - especially when it first happens. Time does help, but .....

-Mikey

[Maylissa]

Hi Mikey,

Good to see you still checking back.

Well, for me, it now being just over 2.5 years since my darling girl, Nissa, 'left', I can say even though it's not normally the same kind of searing pain and total panic of whatamIgonnadoWITHOUTher?!?!?!?! as in the (long-lasting) beginning, she's still forever in my still-broken heart, each and every day, many times/day. As she will always be. I still have moments when I'd rather just die, so I can go and be with her, and her equally-beloved brother, but these moments are also often a reflection of what else is missing in my life, and how nothing can really top what my kids gave me. Their LOVE.....although always with me, it's not exactly with me in the same WAYS as when I could physically pick them up and both demonstrate and receive back the physical expressions of that. And that still hurts, and probably always will, if the over 9 years since 'losing' my boy is any indication. But it IS still there, as demonstrated by the countless signs they've never stopped sending me all along. And my heart expands the same way it always did when they were here, every time I get a particularly poignant one and I'm once again, so incredibly grateful for their love and abiding presence.

So I still say.....if I'd had to go without everything they both gave me, everything they both taught me, about love, life and the REAL realities of the universe....it would have felt like a wasted life for me. Without their boundless love, I would have experienced very little to none at ALL. My life would have been an even worse nightmare than I've found too much of it to be otherwise. Most of my better points, I developed because of choosing to make my kids such a huge part of my life, so how could I ever regret that?

So in that sense, and despite how horrible it is to miss them physically now, for me, YES, it was better to have loved, at least to have loved and been loved, by THEM. At least through them, I discovered that I AM and was/am wholly lovable, and that I can love wholly back. But after almost 20 years of receiving the purest love in the whole universe, it's hard to settle for any less. So overall, if I could instead be with them fully again, rather than here, I'd be back with them in a heartbeat.

[MikeyW]

Dear Maylissa,

It was great to hear from you.

I must honestly agree with everything you said. I do fluctuate because of the pain. Yes, it has lessened, but, like you, I also go up and down. I also have told God numerous times that when I die, and if I go to heaven, I not only want to be with my beloved human family, but also dogs and cats - or at least be able to visit. Who knows, maybe they're with their dog and cat families - or is every species mixed in to where thay can see each other? I do wish they would visit us once or twice a year - the day of their birth and the day they left us. The heartache wouldn't be so bad.

Because we have a korat cat that is extremely identical to Randolph, that has truly helped greatly. There are personality differences, and I was closer to the first Randolph, but seeing this Randolph truly helps ease that pain. Once in a while I go to the local animal shelter. I tell them, "I just came in for some heartache." Then I look at dogs and cats. I don't know why I do it. I must be crazy.

-Mikey