My Husband Died Almost 3yrs Ago

[peacefulstar123]

My husband died three yrs ago and I cant or dont know how to deal with it I guess I never allowed myself to greive and feel anything about it but it seems to be hurting me alot these days. I cant stop thinking of him and Ive been having nitemares about it.We where married for 15 yrs and sepprated for the last 2 yrs of his life a couple of months before he died we became close again.Now my emotions are all over the place. I just dont know what to do.I never had time to greive for both my inlaws. I was there home health worker all the way until my father in law died.Due to family problems I never got to say good bye to my mother in law.Their other son moved her out of the home and would not let us see her before her death.

So my feelings have been so confusing to me.I dont know what I am feeling.I need to talk to some one .Please help!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MartyT]

My dear friend,

The answer to your questions lies in your initial statement: “I never allowed myself to grieve and feel anything.” When we're unable to give grief the attention it demands at the time of our loss, our grief doesn’t really “go” anywhere – it just lies there waiting for us to take care of it. It simply does not matter how long ago the loss took place.

The good news is that it’s never too late to do the work of grieving, and there is plenty of help “out there” and available. You have taken the first step simply by posting your message here and acknowledging your own “need to talk to someone.”

I believe very strongly that knowledge is power, and the more you know about the subject of normal grief, the better you are able to understand and manage your own reactions. That’s why I'm always encouraging all our visitors to do some reading about the process of grief. Read some of the other messages posted in these grief forums – that alone will reassure you that you are not alone, that others have traveled the path that you are on now and have made some useful discoveries along the way that may be very helpful to you. Their stories can give you hope that if others have experienced the most devastating of losses and survived, then somehow you will make it, too.

Go on the Internet and find and read some of the excellent books and articles written on the subject of loss and transition. See, for example, some of the references listed on the Articles and Books page of my Grief Healing Web site, and follow some of the links on my Links to Bereavement and Loss Sites page (look under the ARTICLES BY MARTY TOUSLEY, ARTICLES BY OTHER AUTHORS and BOOKS / RESOURCES categories). Consider taking an online e-mail course on grief, such as the one I wrote for Self Healing Expressions. Go to your corner bookstore or public library or to one of the online bookstores and browse the grief and loss category. Think seriously about joining a bereavement support group in your community; contact your local hospice to see what groups are available to you, usually at no cost. (To find a hospice in your own city or town, search the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization Data Base.)

You do not have to stay in this miserable place of anxiety, loneliness and confusion, my friend. The help you’re seeking is all around you, and I hope that you won’t wait one minute longer to go after it. I hope you will think of it a gift that you can give to yourself. You are worth it, and you certainly do deserve it.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T