Guilt/sorrow/frustration

[angie_w]

I'm grateful to have found this forum...my boyfriend (together since 2002) died Tuesday March 4th. He had been in the hospital for 3 weeks, I was there when his numbers all went south and helped the nurse unhook the machinery. He had cirrhosis because he used to drink and though he'd cut way down by the time I met him and finally stopped, he's Indian (Pima) and it caught up with him. He was 57, I'm 38. Some of his family drove/flew here from San Diego and Sonora (Mexico), and his son and grandbaby live nearby, but most speak little English and mi espanol no esta bien. We had a brief viewing at the crematorium, his daughter (by former marriage) started screaming at her aunt (his sister), I still have no idea about what so I just went out and sat on the steps and bummed a smoke from his ex-wife (who was very nice, considering it was the first time we/her kids had met) and watched the cars drive by. My side of the family lives on the east coast-I am in Sacramento-and there were three deaths on that side this week so nobody could make it here; now everyone has gone home and I no longer can keep my mind active by dining with/talking with/taking care of his family--just me here crying and sorting through his clothes to take to Goodwill or give to "our" homeless guys or have his son pick up, writing "deceased" on his mail, paying the hospital bills (it was my insurance) and waiting for my copy of the death certificate so I can tell his bill collectors to f*off.

I've started back to work today, I'm grateful to have my days active; I can keep it together there but now that I'm home all I can think about is what if i'd gotten insurance before January/not taken Monday "off" from sleeping at hospital/taken better care of him/etc, etc. I know it's pointless to feel guilt, but it's there staring at me. I'm frustrated with his son, he caused his father loads of grief and it took some time to convince him that his dad was seriously ill. I'm pissed because some skank at "his" bar (I never drank when he was alive, not fair to say "you can't, but I can", but I wanted to let the staff/regulars know what had happened) hit on me Friday (already knowing what had happened) when I went in to tell them that my sweetie had passed.

I very much appreciate you reading my rant. Since some of you are in Arizona, perhaps you can give me a Pima/other tribe POV on this whole thing...and what is the proper thing to do with his beautiful feathers and beads?

Thank you all.

[kayc]

Angie,

I want to tell you how sorry I am that your boyfriend passed away. You have found a group of people who have all been through it and understand the wide array of emotions involved. Please do not feel guilty for anything, he was lucky to have you in his life, and I'm so sorry it didn't get to last longer. People can say the dumbest things, it's as if they haven't a clue what you're going through, and indeed, they probably don't.

I don't know the best way to handle his feathers, etc., but have you tried contacting his tribe and asking them?

You are very busy handling all of the things to be done right now, but please remember, in all of this, to take extra special care of YOU...you will need your own kindness and understanding of yourself in the days to follow.

KayC

[karenb]

I'm sorry, too, Angie, about your boyfriend. Going through these times is very difficult for everybody. Wendy may be right about contacting someone in the tribe as to what to do with his things. You try and take care of yourself, be busy if you want to, cry if you want to, but try to take care of yourself. We're always here for you and we are all going through the same things. Visit with us often and let us know how you're doing.

Your friend, Karen

[mfarah]

Angie,

I am sorry for the loss of your love. Trust me all the guilt you have is normal we all feel guilty after losing someone special and wish we could have done more and wish we can go back and do things different but we cant we have to accept what has happened to us and not be pulled down by the guilty feeling. Eventually you will get past the guilty feeling and realize your boyfriend is in a better place with no more suffering you just have to stay strong and always come here when you need to vent we all know exactly what your feeling. Take care of yourself.

Love always,

Marlene

Edited March 11, 2008 by mfarah

[fred]

Sorry for your loss and the difficult circumstances that you are having to deal with on top of your grief. A quick web search brought up a Salt River Pima-Maricopa site that lists several contacts under their newspaper link that may be able to assist you with the proper handling of the native items. Too bad the his family is so self absorbed that they are unable to share the burdens. People here can relate to your pain and are always ready to listen. You are going to be okay, just hang in there.

[angie_w]

A quick web search brought up a Salt River Pima-Maricopa site that lists several contacts under their newspaper link that may be able to assist you with the proper handling of the native items. Too bad the his family is so self absorbed that they are unable to share the burdens.

---------------------------------------

I very much appreciate the thoughts of all who have replied. I will check out the contacts you've mentioned, he was a Gila River Pima but in my experience Indians aren't picky about tribal background (or lack thereof) when someone asks for help....

The family, well, to be fair most of them live hundreds of miles away and/or in Mexico. His brother who lives in the US did a lot to coordinate the whole "post-death" paperwork/procedural nightmare.

My burden is still heavy, but I talk to my sweetie a lot (just at home, don't need people calling the nut-house.) I hope he hears me.

[kayc]

Angie, I think we all talk to them, so if you get hauled away, they'll have to take us all! I hope they hear us too...

[angie_w]

Well, I've emailed the Gila River Pima website for advice, feels kinda strange to email for advice on correct traditional handling of possessions of someone who has died-guess that's my age showing....

In a semi-unrelated topic, I have done some google-research of the physical symptoms of imminent death. I wish his nurse could've explained more and told me what to expect; she stayed past her shift waiting for me and had to leave when I arrived, and she took excellent care of him-and me-so I don't blame her. And she told me to hold his hand and talk to him, which i did. But it would have been easier for me had I understood why he was making those strange facial expressions, changing color, etc. while I sat with him. Has anyone here had a similar situation?

[C-C]

Hi Angie,

I am sorry for your loss. I was married to my husband for 50 years when I lost him on Feb 10 this year.

Yes I also held my husbands hand as he left us so I know what you mean. He slipped into unconciuosness the day before he passed BUT at 3 in the morning he awoke and smiled and recognized all of his daughters and their husbands. He said hi and smiled and puckered his lips for me to kiss him and he wispered he loved me then after just a couple of minutes he became unconcious again. Cal didn't make any differnt facial expressions at all but yes we watched his colour change slowly.

I am just so glad that he was home and we were all around him telling him how much we loved him and my heart tells me that he knew what we were telling him.

Carolyn

[karenb]

Bles your heart, Carolyn. I know how hard it is. There's so much you have to deal with and you can do it slowly. Just take it easy and know he is with you along with way. We're with each other here.

Your friend, Karen

Angie....You're hanging on aren't you, dear? I'm so glad you found us and know that you have support here. Follow your feelings.