Stranger

[teny]

It has been a while I did not post about my feelings .I read your posts and all of my feeling are there.Pain anxiety antidepressants .YES the world is still here but IM not.Looking myself at a mirror I see a stranger a women I dont recognize .During the week it gets easier but weekends is hell.hapiness we shared is sorow for me alone and nobudy to share .MY family is asupport but they dont talk about my loss cause its been 16 months and they believe I feel better.Most nights I find myself reliving the worst moments of my loved one over and over.Is that suffering going to last as long as I live. Is this kind of life of any worth ? Thank you for being there my far away friends.TENY

[PattyAnn]

Teny

Even though I am only 6-1/2 months or so into my grief, I have talked to as many widows as I can. One friend said she didn't feel herself until four years afterwards. Another widow I talked to said she didn't feel healed until the sixth year! One younger widow is now just start dating after ten years of grief!

Good husbands are hard to find and when you do find that special relationship and then it's over life is changed forever. The hurt is so deep. Some people criticise me for not getting on with life! Perhaps they just don't know what it's like to have such a deep and close love for one's spouse.

Neither you or I should be discouraged. Our paths will be different from everyone elses. My doctor told me that the reason I had such a special relationship with my husband is that I have the ability to love deeply and I will someday be able to do it again. Hard to think of someone else in my life but Walter. The point is that our happiness has to come from ourselves and we are both strong and loving women. You will smile again someday.

Try to find some happiness each day and string those moments together. Find friends that will cheer you on and not criticize you. We all believe in you and we'll help each through this grief.

[teny]

thank you PattyAnn its good to know that even from far away friends are understanding the way you feel.I wish with all my heart for everyone here to find some peace.

[KathyG]

Teny,

I also feel like I don't know who I am since my husband died. My grief counselor tells me this is common among widows and widowers. She says that it can take months or even years to rediscover yourself and rebuild your life. And she tells me that when our hearts are broken, no one should expect us to become our old selves again because we can never return to being the people we were before. We can reach a point where we will feel strong and whole again - we will just be different than we used to be.

It's hard, I know, to stop reliving the nightmare-like events that happened when our husbands died. I had to watch my Bill die twice - once at home and then again at the hospital after the doctors had revived him. But because I love Bill so much, I don't want my strongest memories of him to be related to how he died. So I try to think about the times when he and I were the happiest, and I try to be grateful because some people never get to know that kind of happiness.

You have made it through 16 months since losing your husband, and that by itself is a big accomplishment. You haven't given up in spite of your sadness, and you say that things are easier sometimes - that shows you have grown stronger since losing your husband. You will get through this; may God continue to hold your hand during this journey.

[SusanK]

teny, it is so hard. I am at 4.5 months and I am not the same person either. I am ancient now,aged 20 years since he died. I miss him and relive all that happened in the month prior to his death.

He was my life. I am absent a support system as there is no family. I am alone most of the time.

People do expect us to get over it like a cold. Maybe they never loved anyone or have not yet had a loss.

A lady I know told me that she prays to my husband to help me. Her rational is that with the life he led he is in heaven so he is a saint. She tells him to help me and watch over me. Today she told me that she reminded him that he is "new up there" so he does not have much to do and wants him to keep an eye on me.

In a way that i cannot explain her words were comforting.

Be well

s.

[LarrysGirl]

Teny, I also dread the weekends. Reminders of a life I used to have with Larry. I know you are hurting and it seems like its endless. There isn't a day since Larry's death that I haven't thought about why this all happened or how it ended. When I think about it sometimes it still doesn't feel real and I'm going on over two years now. I know the people around me feel like alot of time has passed and things should be different but I DON'T CARE about what they think anymore. They aren't the ones who lost him, it was me. I haven't figured out of life is worth is yet but I'm trying one day at a time. I think of you often, please don't think you are alone. Yanni is with you in spirit and all of us here on this site care for you. Deborah

[Guest moparlicious]

Teny,

My dear far away friend!!! I know you have been so wonderful to me and help me through some really rough days!!!! I am so sorry for your pain, as I am at 7 months myself and I feel such grief and despair also. I look at myself also, and I wonder who I am and the person I was seems to be lost, when my beloved Dan died. I think I have been skimming along and making it day by day, but now reality has set in and I know he isn't but, I wait for him to walk through the door and to my disappointment he doesn't. He is in my heart forever and that will never change. I know who are Teny, you are still the wonderful,caring,giving and loving friend you have always been and I will be here for you as you have so much for me. With love, Kim

[fred]

Teny, How could anyone that has never experienced this kind of loss know what it is like? How can they expect you to feel better on their schedule? I am at fourteen months and have finally realized that I will probably not feel any better for a long time. Grief will not follow anyoneś planning, we just have to live it as it comes. I fell deeper in love with my wife every day, I am not making this up. I often told her how amazing it was to me that I could be more in love with her after five years of marriage than the day we decided to be married. You can not just turn that kind of feeling off, it does not go away. Truly, I do not want lose that bond. I know I can not go back, but I do not want to go forward either. I do not want to leave her behind (shoot, I am crying again). I feel that I will not be getting any better until I decide to move ahead, but I also hope I will know when I am ready. You and I, all of us, must still be here because there is something else we still have to do in this life. Until we know what it is I guess we just have to keep living one day at a time. Take good care of yourself, you are important to all of us.

[teny]

Thank you my friends for your replys its agreat support to know you are there.I do hope that someday Il get to know and maybe meet some of you .That is if I will make it to have a future .Stranger going on .Yuor friend from far away .TENY

[kayc]

Teny,

"Is this kind of life of any worth?"

At some points you may feel, "No, it's not worth living" but at some point you will feel different. There are moments when we're glad we got to live to see that new grandchild, or receive that puppy's kiss...there are moments when we'll be glad we were able to see that sunset and we whisper our loved one's name and ask them if they can see it too...little by little I am learning to value myself and to value my life in and of itself, me, without someone else! This is new and revolutionary to me, but a positive step for me...all my life I have been someone's mom, someone's wife, now I'm learning it's okay to just be me and as such, value life just in and of itself. Some days we see things to be grateful for, some days we don't notice, and some days don't feel that great, but little by little we do learn to go on, and yes, find some meaning in life, even if we have to create it ourselves.

My thoughts are with you, Teny.

KayC

[Lily]

It has been a while I did not post about my feelings .I read your posts and all of my feeling are there.Pain anxiety antidepressants .YES the world is still here but IM not.Looking myself at a mirror I see a stranger a women I dont recognize .During the week it gets easier but weekends is hell.hapiness we shared is sorow for me alone and nobudy to share .MY family is asupport but they dont talk about my loss cause its been 16 months and they believe I feel better.Most nights I find myself reliving the worst moments of my loved one over and over.Is that suffering going to last as long as I live. Is this kind of life of any worth ? Thank you for being there my far away friends.TENY

Dear Teny, My heart goes out to you. Like you, I don't post my feeling for a while ...I think because I just "give up"....but then the loneliness, the

sadness, the desperation of hopelessness becomes so intense that I think I'll

go crazy and then I look for help and comfort again and I come online and

feel some peace...because here, at least, everyone is suffering and knows...

really knows the pain and torment...I haven't felt a moment of joy since Richard died...I can't imagine feeling lighthearted...I'm not interested in

whose running for office or the environment or art or anything because none

of it seems important to me. It's as though life is a blink (something we always heard before but now I really understand it) - everything happened

so fast...and all the things that made up life and make up life just seem

irrelevant to me now. Unless someone has lost what we;ve lost, then they

can't feel what we do. I know that in the past I would sympathize but now

I know that I didn't FEEL the pain of that person. I know that now because

I talk and walk ok people think I'm ok and I'm not. You're not either and

I wish so much I could help you. Sometimes I make myself listen to my Richard saying to me before he died "Promise me you'll try to do the best you can with the time you have left" He held my hand tightly...he knew how hard this would be for me...he told the doctors and nurses he was worried because

I would be all alone....Well, I held on to him and promised him that I would

try...and now I am trying...it's just so hard...but I get a little stronger

each time I think of how much it meant to him that I be ok...so I picture

him beside me holding me hand and us walking together like we did so often

and I know it will give him more peace if I got stronger as each day went by...until we can be together again. I do this by myself because like Scotty

said about the saying "Misery likes company"?, but he added "Company doesn't

like Misery"...That's so true...so we put on a front of "wellness", but you

know, Teny, when you look in the mirror - it's just a shell. I'm hoping that

we'll work this out; that someday there will be peace and that when we smile or laugh it will be from our hearts. I wish people, friends, family would

just let us cry and cry and cry and just hold us when we do...I think that eventually that would help us...but instead they want to get us on another subject or another activity - so we just bury our grief and cry alone otherwise everyone is uncomfortable...I know that when I lost my mother and

when my younger brother died, Richard was there by my side always and when I cried I cried and he held me and I never felt I was making him uncomfortable...he just let me cry and talk and cry and he held me. So I

have to think he's still here holding me up when I cry and maybe I'm not

crying alone after all...Teny, don't you think Yanni is there with you too and that when you cry he's there...and after you cry the pain out that at

least you feel maybe just a little peace for just a little while. I'm

thinking of you, Teny. Lily

[kayc]

Maybe in a way you both allow yourselves to feel what I hold at bay to a certain extent...

For quite some time I felt it, I cried out in anguish, the torment was so great, I didn't want to live, nothing interested me...I can relate to your words that you have written here. But somewhere along the way I learned to hold it at bay, just a little out of reach, and not go there too much, it's easier that way. It's not like I haven't grieved, I have, I have and have and have! But I'm tired and it just hurts too bad. I know what I am missing, I feel it every time I miss him, which is every time I am reminded of anything, which is often enough. I try to live in the now, because he's gone and I can't have him, it's gone. Every once in a while I pull it out and remember...a special memory, him, something we shared, and part of me smiles for having had that, and I try real hard not to dwell on what I am missing because it would just hurt and kill me too much. Maybe this is good and maybe it is bad, I don't worry too much about how I'm handling it, only that I'm doing what I have to do to get by, it's my way of surviving and adapting. I know I miss him, I always will, and I look forward to being with him again..but again, I try not to think about it too much, it would just drive me crazy. Crazy...maybe we've become crazy, it feels like this whole grief thing does bring us to that, who can understand this world but us?

Edited April 2, 2008 by kayc