I Need Help

[mamacat]

I’m asking for help. I can always handle my emotional stuff by myself but not now, I don’t know what to do I’m completely distraught. My dearest Rulin cat got sick and I had to put her down last Wed am. She died close to her birthday she would have been 7 years old. This extraordinary sweet and evolved soul left me much too soon. I apologize for this long post.

Seven years ago 8 baby cats were left in our yard, I bottle fed them, found homes for 5 and kept 3. Rulin was sneezing when she came to us and always had a problem with her sinuses.

She grew into a beautiful 7 1/2 lb girl , She was so very special , very beautiful with a little pink nose, dark gray with white flame on her face, white collar and boots. She would greet all guests. She loved to play, could always find toys hidden under things, loved to watch the birds out the window loved to have her belly rubbed. She was smart and although the smallest of my cats the bravest and an incredible jumper.

She was totally loving to everybody. Very psychically aware, and sensitive, a real healer. When I had an accident she spent weeks sitting on my chest healing me as I was convalescing . She sometimes had problems with her nose and I cared for her, which made our bond even closer. She would lick my nose to tell me she loved me. She always gave a little vocal acknowledgment of the slightest interaction and was totally communicative and open. She would scratch at the bathroom door so I could groom her she was meticulous, then I would hold her while looking out the window it was our special time, sometimes I would do reiki on her then and she would go into the meditation with me. I love her deeply and completely and I believe she returned my love. I love my other cats but I was closest to her.

Now I am trying to deal with grief at her loss, guilt , and feeling terrible that I caused her suffering at the end by her treatments. The last two months were very busy for me and my husband as we were handling a very big work load and deadline. During this time I did not pay as much attention to Rulin as I usually do. Oh if I could relive those months!

She developed chest sounds, I brought her to the vet and he discovered a slight heart murmur, narrowing of the trachea and chest congestion, and gave her medication. That's when it started. The medication was bitter and she hated it. The bonds of trust that we always had began to be broken as I became a menace to her forcing this bitter stuff down her throat. It only worsened later when she could no longer eat or drink and on the vets advice I tried unsuccessfully to force food . In five days I took her to several vets who all told me how good she looked and to continue force feeding her, she had not been able to eat drink or defecate, that didn’t seem to bother the vets. She was getting worse I finally took her into the hospital just to get her to eat, be hydrated and get enemas. They put her in intensive care for three days then I took her home with a feeding tube in her nose and advice to put her down.

During this time she had a battery of blood tests, ex-ray, and ultrasound. Everything came back negative or inclusive except her white blood cells were dropping finally to the point where she had no immune system left. I would not let her have a bone marrow test because she was too weak .

The first day home I was so happy I could feed her through the tube without stressing her and she had a bowel movement on her own. That night we had to put her down. I waited until she could no longer focus her eyes and her breathing was rapid. She suffered during those last two weeks, I was holding out for any hope to save her.

I’m trying to make sense of this. Obviously what was done to care for her was unsuccessful and stressed her. It seemed everyone had an agenda. Mine was I love her I want her to live, If I’m a good mommy I can save her and she’ll live a long life. Two of the doctors were defending their opposing philosophies, After she had been given the death sentence and I brought her in to have euthanasia the Dr. told me how good she looked and we should try some more! We ended up putting her down later that night.

I need to know what I did wrong I know I should have paid more attention to her when we were busy but the vets care was wrong also. I need to know how to do better. I’m so sorry the mistakes were made with that sweet soul. She deserved only the best. I know you probably can’t answer these questions for me but I need to talk about it, I need something because I’m not making it right now.

Thank you so much for providing this service

[MartyT]

My dear friend,

I’m so very sorry for your loss; obviously you shared a very special bond with Rulin, and I can only imagine how terribly painful this must be for you. You’ve had other animals in your life, but it’s apparent that this one was different from the rest – this one was for you what some animal lovers I know would call your heart cat or your forever cat. My prayer for you is that one day you’ll come to know that you can never really be separated from a forever cat, because the love you feel for her has not died; the connection you have with her will last as long as you keep her memory alive in your mind and in your heart.

You say that Rulin was the smallest of your cats and sometimes had problems with her nose; later a slight heart murmur and a narrowing of her trachea were discovered. Such signs suggest that Rulin may have had some congenital defects that couldn’t have been discovered until she developed symptoms.

Of course there is nothing I can say to erase the load of guilt that you've been carrying around with you for the last few days. The only one who can forgive you is you, as I'm sure you already know.

I certainly can tell you that guilt is one of the most common reactions in loss – guilt for what we may have done and guilt for what we may have failed to do. It sounds to me as if you did everything you possibly could for Rulin. Nevertheless, it's only human to want to go back and re-write the ending of this horrible tragedy. Certainly it was never your intention to do anything that would harm your beloved cat, and I feel certain that no one knew that better than Rulin did. You say that you caused her suffering at the end by following your vet’s instructions and forcing nourishment and treatments upon her – but please keep in mind that your intentions were not evil – they were pure, and they came from a place of love, not hatred. You were desperately trying to save her, not to torture her! Would you judge another animal lover in a similar situation as harshly as you are judging yourself?

You say you used to meditate sometimes with Rulin in your arms. You might think about finding some way to communicate with Rulin’s spirit and asking for her understanding and forgiveness. That may be by meditating, by writing her a letter and saying all you need to say to her, by finding a quiet place and lighting a candle and speaking to her in your mind – whatever way you choose is up to you. It just helps to find a way to externalize and express all those mixed feelings, so you can release them and move forward in your grief process. You might also make the effort to find a pet loss support group where you can talk with others in a group whose experiences may be similar to your own. (Call your local library, veterinarian, pet groomer, animal rescue organization or humane society and ask what pet loss resources are available in your community.) Sometimes sharing our story in this way enables us to unburden ourselves and to obtain the absolution we may need from others. None of us is perfect; we are all human, we've all made mistakes and we've all done things about which we feel guilty. The point of all of this is to find some way to forgive yourself, to apologize and make amends to the one you believe you have harmed, to learn whatever lessons are to be learned from this and to move on. That's the only way you will begin to heal from this loss. Also, give yourself some time! It's only been three days!! Grief is not a single event; it is a process, and it doesn't take place overnight!

Right now you may not have the patience and ability to concentrate long enough to read an entire book on pet loss, but if you haven't already done so, I hope you'll pay a visit to my Grief Healing Web site. There you may find the information, comfort and support you need at this difficult time. Learning what is normal in response to losing a beloved pet can be very helpful, because you will discover that you are not "crazy" or eccentric for feeling the way you do, you'll learn what to expect in the weeks and months ahead, and you'll discover useful, specific ways that you can manage your own reactions. I'd especially recommend that you read the (brief!) article posted on my Articles and Books page entitled Loss and the Burden of Guilt, as I think it addresses a lot of what you are experiencing now. I hope you’ll continue to participate in our Pet Loss Forum, even if it’s only to read some of the other poignant and heartfelt messages posted here by fellow animal lovers. Here you will discover that you are not alone in what you are feeling, and you will avail yourself of some very caring support and inspiration from others. See also my Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page and my Pet Loss Links page, which will take you to many other wonderful sources of support. You might also be interested in the online e-mail course I wrote, which offers help for pet loss in short, easy to digest messages delivered every other week via e-mail. See A Different Grief: Coping with Pet Loss for further information.

I hope this information helps, my dear. No one can take away the guilt you are experiencing now, but I can assure you that you do not have to bear it all alone. Please know that we are thinking of you, and when you feel ready to do so, I hope you will let all of us know how you are doing.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[mamacat]

Dear Marty T,

Thank you so much for your compassionate and quick response. It has helped me a lot. As a result of your advice I think I was able to clear, or at least begin to clear the guilt. I want to be able to send Rulin light on her journey, and the guilt was in the way. I feel at this moment anyway that I can approach her in a clearer way. I want her to be able to go on her souls journey with light and love, but I still want to maintain the love connection I have with her.

I will read some of your other articles. I can’t thank you enough for providing this wonderful help for people when they so need it , and to give people a safe place to express the depth of there feelings. You are a true healer. Thank you.

Mamacat

[Frannie&Petey]

Mamacat,

I am soooooooo sorry for your loss. There are no words that I can share to make this pain go away.

I wanted to ditto all that Marty said and add a few comments. My Petey died on January 20, 2004. I still cry every day. I can't talk about him without crying. And yes I am crying right now.

I wanted to address the guilt you are feeling. I went through thta with Petey. I shoulda this, I shoulda that, I shoulda shoulda ... I still have some doubts about my choices and will never know if Petey would stil be with me right now. I am still working on that. I am also confident that one day I will realize 100% that I did the best for him. I work through this by reading books, reading this website, and going to a support group. Oh and talking with people who get it which can be few and far between.

I wanted to share the website of a book that has helped me tons. There is a testimonial from me there. The book is called "For Every Cat a Agnel. Purchasing (if you choose too) at the authors website she will inscribe the book as you would like and a added plus is it is cheeper. I wish I could buy this book for everyone on this list and anyone who has ever lost an animal.

Anyway, here it is: http://www.lightheartedpress.com/

I wish you healing in your own way and in your own time. And please most importantly, remember you did all that you could and I would bet all the money in the world that Rulin thinks so too.

You are in my thoughts,

Frannie

[BrinnJ21]

Mamacat:

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you are going through. I had to put my dog down tonight and it was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I too, have been working a lot and then had a vacation. My dog, Wolfgang, was 12 years old. I saved him from the humane society when he was three and have had him ever since. I felt a deep bond and connected with him. He had arthritis in his legs but was taking Duramax for the pain. When I returned from vacation he couldn' t walk at all. The vet gave him some Predisone, and said if it didn't help he should be put down. I tried it for a few days but there was no improvement. I kept praying that he would just get up and start walking, but he just laid there, staring up at me. When I took him into the vet they told me that it was the humane thing to do. He died in my arms. I have been crying for about 4 hours now and don't know how I am going to go to work tomorrow. Everytime I walk outside to my car or into the garage I can picture where he used to lay and that makes it even harder. The only way I have to console myself is to tell myself that at least he is no longer suffering. Anyways, I know what you are going through. Hang in there! If you need anyone to talk to, I'll listen.

BrinnJ21

[rainbowbridge]

There is a bridge connecting Heaven and Earth, It is called the Rainbow Bridge because of its many colors. Just this side of the Bridge there is a land of meadows, hills and valleys with lush green grass. When a cherished pet passes away, they go to this place. There is always food, water, and sunshine and everyone is warm and comfortable. All the animals who have been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remembered them in days gone by. They play all day with each other.

There is only one small thing missing. They are not with their special person who loved them on Earthand had to be left behind. So they run and play until the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks off into the distance. Their bright eyes are staring! The nose twitches! The ears are up! Their eager body begins to quiver! Suddenly they begin to run from the group, flying over the green grass, their legs carrying them faster and faster...

You have been spotted!! And when you and your special friend meet , you cling together in joyous reunion. Your face is kissed again and again, your hands again caressthe beloved head, and you look once more into the adoring eyes of your trusting pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together, never again to be seperated.

At night as im crying myself to sleep over Aleutia, I try to imagine this . Somehow i always fall asleep.

Ill see you there Aleutia, I love you!!

Crystal M. Ferrell

[rainbowbridge]

Since everyone in this forum knows how suffering feels one way or another, I think ultimately you did the right thing, your only human remember. Suffering, i hate and its definitely not the answer in my opinion. im not belittleing you one bit! You've watched my struggle so far, I think you did the right thing. Thank you for trying to help me. I will keep writing about aleutia and i until im dead or over this or dealt with it and come to grips. i dont mind holding hands with you as this progresses. Christy

[MY DARLING MINKY- GIRL]

Dear ***RULIN' S AND ALEUTIA'S MUM ***

i know some of the horrendous pain, you are feeling,

I have been propelled into a lifelong NIGHTMARE , as my 2 darling kitties have just gone from my life, withIin a week of each other, firstly poor TEDDY on Monday 6th September 2004,

and then DEVASTATINGLY,THE FOLLOWING MONDAY MORNING, Monday 13th September 2004, MY YOUNG , black beauty, ( 2 1/2 ) MINKY- GIRL WAS RUN OVER!!!! I WILL NEVER ,GET OVER HER DEATH !!!! but I found a site, due to the devastation of my black, sleek extra loving MINKY,,,,,,

*****PETWHISPERS.COM *****.... ALL THE STORIES ARE SO VERY TOUCHING !!! , AS I desperately need to hope we will be together again. My loss of my darling MINKY , has been one of the WORST SHOCKS IN MY LIFE. ALL SO UNFAIR, AND I had neglected loving her , for the 10 months. while I gave TEDDY everything, during his decline, with kidney failure, and I NEVER GOT TO MAKE IT UP, TO MY MOST LOVING. MINKY, she never even got to know the 10 long months were over. killed in mid stride,,, I wish so many things, but her loss, is the most shocking , and I know, I will never get over, not having her in my arms, enjoying EVERYTHING ABOUT HER. EVERY INCH IS A MEMORY, AND EVERY MINUTE IS MISSING HER BEAUTIFUL WAYS , worsened by my HUGE REGRETS, AND GUILT XXXXX I was going to make it up to MINKY, but now I never can !!! MINKY WAS MY ADORABLE BABY GIRL XXXXX

BEST WISHES TO YOU ALL HERE XXXXX