Recent Loss

[DanDi98]

Hi! my name is Diane and I lost my husband, Dan, to cancer on the 23rd of May , 2003. We had only been married 5 years, been together for 9 1/2. this was a second marriage for both of us, and we were so very connected. We always said how we wished we had met each other in our younger days and avoided the conflicts that our 1st marriages brought. Dan was diagnosed in October, 2002 and we were told that, although he was in stage 4 already, there was a good chance for stopping the growth and spread. Obviously, treatment didn't work. As a matter of fact, it was a nightmere. Anyway, we stopped all treatment in February and had as much quality time as we could. I just wish I could stop missing him so much. I still can't bring myself to wash the last shirt he wore or to take his things off his dresser. Sometimes, the grief is so strong that it is a physical pain that makes it impossible to breathe or move. I am a trained counselor and I know that there is no timeline for grief, but I sink into depression so easily. Sometimes I wonder why I go on. But, Dan would never accept that as a way to live and I pick myself up and keep going. I am a PhD student and run therapy groups for men who batter. I used to be a school counselor at an alternative high school but quit that job to stay home and take care of Dan. Now, my days just spin on with no structure. I go to classes, do my papers, earn my A's, but often feel like it has no meaning. I hate feeling this way! It just isn't "me"! Our families are 700 miles away....a good an bad thing. Anyway, that's me in a nutshell. Hoping this group helps. I participated in a parents group severl years ago and the support and help was tremendous. glad to meet y'all!

Diane

[bobsgal]

Hi Diane,

Saw your note and wanted to let you know that you were 'heard'. Sometimes all the things that we know intellectually and what we feel in our heart are at complete opposite ends of the spectrum. I found, for myself, when I thought I should be at this or that stage, and didn't quite find myself there, or healing as quickly as I or others thought I should, my depression and my grief would intensify. But when I just let the feelings come and go as they wanted to, cry, get ticked off, retreat, and even overreact to those things that I had no control of, I seemed somehow to actually do better.

You wrote: We had only been married 5 years, been together for 9 1/2. this was a second marriage for both of us, and we were so very connected. We always said how we wished we had met each other in our younger days and avoided the conflicts that our 1st marriages brought.

I am sorry you and Dan did not have more time together, but you know now from your experience with your previous marriage, and then your marriage to Dan that true and complete love does exist and can happen to you. Bob and I were married just 3 months shy of our 22nd anniversary (we were together 6 months before our marriage), and for quite a while I was so disappointed that we didn't have more time. I have been on this journey for almost 8 years now, and am able to look at the time that we had together as my blessing. I hope that you are able to find some occasional peace with your situation, and when you are at the end of your rope you keep reaching out. I would be happy to listen to you talk of Dan and your life together.

Sending you warm hugs to give you comfort,

Blessings,

bobsgal (Lynda)

[Demi]

Hi Diane,

I can very much feel what your feeling right now. I lost my husband, best friend and lover one May 29, 2003. It was very sudden. He had taken a fall about 2:30 in the after noon hitting his head. He refused to go to the hospital. I am an EMT and kept trying to get him to go get medical help he refused. I kept making him get up to make sure that he was ok. He was up a few times during the afternoon acting very much himself. About 8:50 pm he began to cough. I jumped up to check on him as he did not sound like he was breathing right . He began to have a seizure I called 911 within 2 minutes he was in cardica arrest. I did CPR on him for about 10 minutes alone and then with the ambulance crew till they put him in the ambulance. He never regained a heart beat. He was listed as DOA. Matt was only 46 years old. I tried everything to get him to go to the hospital all that day. I kept checking his blood pressure and everything that I could do. He kept refusing to go to the hospital.

Everyday since he left me I blame myself for not finding a way to make him go to the hospital sooner. I have even considered going to a physic to see if I can find out anything from them about Matt.

Like you and your husband we planned to grow old together. Matt had even promised to give up drinking 2 weeks before God took him.

Matt was a heavy drinker but had not been drinking the day he fell. For 2 weeks before he died things were different here. He was helping around the house and was being more like the man I fell in love with 14 years ago. We would have been married 10 years come August.

I feel so lost right now . I have am not moving from our appartment eighter. I can afford it and I feel him here. I am not ready to go anywhere. What I have done to keep busy when I am not at work is painting the bathroom and now I am putting up panneling on my living room walls by my self. These are things we had planned to do starting June 1 when he would have quit drinking.

Like you I am not sleeping very well, I have lost about 26 lbs. I have returned to work but sometimes all I want to do is stay in my office to keep from hearing "I am sorry for you loss" from people. My friends are telling your strong you can get through this. I miss Matt so much and my heart aches for him.

If you want to write me or anything I could use someone who understands how I feel

Demi

[sandy77]

How do you help someone who lost her male partner of 14 years and feels like she's only "half a person"; i.e., that her late partner gave her true meaning of her life? She's so lost and empty without him; her identity was so tied in to his....

[bobsgal]

Hi Sandy,

You wrote:

How do you help someone who lost her male partner of 14 years and feels like she's only "half a person"; i.e., that her late partner gave her true meaning of her life? She's so lost and empty without him; her identity was so tied in to his....

No sage advice to give you except to be there for your friend, and don't judge her grief or her journey through it. Any loss is hard, but to feel that sort of connection with someone and lose them through death is a loss of a different color. I have, for years, referred to myself as "Bob's other half". It took the two of us coming together to make the whole, and by the time I lost him to a sudden heart attack at 47 our lives were pretty much completely overlapping. When he passed suddenly at 47 of a sudden heart attack, a big part of what I felt made up my psyche, was lost also. I thought of it as two circles that began by touching edges, and then with time began to mingle together and overlap each other. When Bob died, what was left was this portion of a circle that was crescent shaped, with a huge gaping wound where the other circle and the overlapped portions had been. I can imagine that this is perhaps what your friend is feeling with her 'other half's' loss. There were no words that anyone could tell me that made the pain better, but when I finally got online and began to interact with others that had been where I was, I began to see light. It will be 8 years for me next month, I still miss Bob everyday, but life is good again, and the life after death is my own. I honor him and our love by moving forward, and living as wholly as possible.

Your friend is fortunate to have you concerned for her. I pray that she is given some peace with her loss, and you remain by her side to support her when she needs it.

Blessings,

bobsgal (Lynda)

[DanDi98]

Hi Sandy! Thank goodness your friend has someone like you to help her through this time. I, too, feel as though I have lost half of myself and that nothing will ever be right again. Dan was an extension of me and I of him. It is do very difficult to imagine myself as a whole person again. I do know that it will take a great deal of time to "find myself" and to build a life as a person on my own. Your friend is in the same situation. She needs you to hold her hand and to assure her of your constant support. She needs to know that someone in this world is allowing her to feel the feelings that she has. The process is so slow and so painful to watch as a friend. Many of my friends want me to be "all better" now because it's been 2 months! THat's crazy! I appreciate and love the friends that I have who accept that it may be a very long time before I am a whole person again. This is what you can tell your friend. And then, just be there for her. Listen to her cry and yell and be angry and go a little crazy. that's how you help. No words can be as supportive as just the presence of someone with unconditioinal love.

Diane

[DanDi98]

You wrote...

Everyday since he left me I blame myself for not finding a way to make him go to the hospital sooner. I have even considered going to a physic to see if I can find out anything from them about Matt.

Dear Demi,

there is no way that you can blame yourself for Matt's death. He made the choice, not you. It sounds like he made many choices that you could not control. His passing was a genuine tragedy that may have been prevented. Perhaps it oculdn't have been. That's not in our control, is it? Just know that you did everything you could for him when he was with you. Dan made the decision to discontue his treatment and hasten his passing. I couldn't (and wouldn't) try to change his mind. Stay as strong as you are able, but don't ask too much of yourself. You don't have to be brave or stoic. Grief takes time and its rhythms are unpredictable. Keep writing to us! We're in this together!

Diane

[sammielee]

HI I hope I am doing this right.. having trouble figuring out how to get into discussion. I lost my husband on aug. 6,2003.. We were together 17 years and after two bad marriages this was so wonderful..I truly met my soulmate, he was such a kind gentle funny man.. He was 59 and battled lung cancer for two years.. My whole life revolved around his illness.. The first chemo put him into remission for eight months but it came back in his brain and lung and liver.. he had radiation and chemo again.. it left again then came back and the chemo started for the third time but this time it made him so ill after each one he ended up in the hospital.. I just cant believe he is gone. some days I just wish I could go with him others I try to put it out of my mind like it never happened.. Then I see a picture or hear a song and I feel like I will never ever be happy again. Then I blame myself and think what could I have done differently for him.. did I learn all I could did I get him the best help available.. How do I live the next twenty or thirty years without him in my life that is if I live that long. I miss his voice his hugs.. some family members want me to go to grief counciling but this is even hard to write about.. I could not sit in a class and hear all the other sadness... sammie

[MartyT]

Dear Sammie,

We're so sorry for your loss -- please know that we are thinking of you and holding you in our hearts.

I understand that finding your way to this discussion group and figuring out how to post a message here can be a daunting task -- some of us are not as comfortable on our computers as others, and certainly when we're in the throes of grief, doing something like this can seem downright impossible -- nevertheless I hope you'll give yourself a pat on the back for having the courage, the concentration and the patience it surely must have taken for you to stick with it and figure it out.

Along with all our other visitors, I want to welcome you to this special place of caring, comfort and support. You can come here any time, at any hour of the day or night, without leaving the comfort and safety of your home.

You need not judge yourself so harshly for not being ready to participate in a grief group; at this point in your own grief journey, your need to focus on your own pain is normal and understandable. Instead you may want to consider meeting individually with one of the bereavement counselors at the hospice that served your husband. Even if you're grieving in a normal, healthy way, it's wise to use all the resources available to help you recover your balance and put your life back together again. Sometimes support from family and friends can feel like either too much or not nearly enough, and that's when a few sessions with a bereavement counselor can give you the encouragement, understanding and comfort you need.

In any event, please know that you are most welcome here, and we hope you'll discover that you need not bear your sorrow all alone.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[bobsgal]

Dear Sammie,

Just a note to let you know that you are not out there alone. I am so sorry to hear of your reason for searching a group such as this out, but I am so thankful that it is here for all of us who are mourning the loss of a loved one.

I know what it is like to lose the love of your life, it happened to me 8 years ago this past August 3. Bob and I were married just 2 months short of 22 years when he died unexpectedly in my arms from a massive heart attack. He was 47 and I was 45. The world as I knew it changed in the blink of an eye, and it was quite a while before I could understand and accept this loss.

We all move through this grief process at our own pace, and not always in a forward projection. Many times there are backward steps, side steps and even some forward ones. I did find for myself, that when I got online and could talk about my loss with others, I finally began seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you find that this group will be of benefit to you in your grief process. Keep reaching out and telling your story, it does help.

Take good care of yourself Sammie, after all you were loved so very much and I am sure that your husband would only want what it best for you. This is the thought that kept my head above water a good deal of the time at the beginning of my journey.

Sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in,

Love and Blessings,

Lynda (bobsgal)

[sammielee]

Thank you both for your kind words..It does help to know I am not totally alone.. Now I just found out I must go through another very difficult time.. two years a go my friends son passed away with cancer now we find out her husband has just two month to live..He and my dear husband were friends as well and when her son died my husband felt bad that he was still here and her son 28 years old had died.. Now how can I go through this so soon again..it is bringing all the pain and agony back as I know just how she is feelling and I am helpless... I feel I am still too new to this to be of any help to anyone else who is grieving.. It seems so many around me are dying from cancer. When does it start to be less painful?? sammie

[bobsgal]

Sammie,

I am so sorry to hear that your friend is going through another loss. How long has it been that they lost their son? I can only imagine the pain she is feeling, I am including her in my thoughts and prayers that she is given a sense of peace with all that she is experiencing. Even though you think you will be of no help to her, you will be surprised at the level of understanding you have and the help you can be for her. It may bring up a lot of memories to the surface for you, but some of that stuff need to be gone over in your head again anyway. And remember, the tears are pain and tension relievers of sorts.

Sammie, I know that you don't think you are making any progress at all, and truthfully at some times on some days you may not be. But you are getting there, one little step at a time. Don't judge yourself too harshly, give yourself all the time that you would give to someone that you loved very much. Don't use another persons grief experience as a yardstick to measure your progress. We all move along at our own pace. When you beat yourself up for not being farther along than you are, you set yourself up for more pain. That is a lesson I learned the hard way. I finally came to the conclusion that my relationship with Bob was unique to just the two of us, and how I dealt with the loss and grief was unique to me also.

Thinking of you and your friends with much love tonight,

Love and Blessings,

Lynda (bobsgal)

[sammielee]

Hi lynda,

My friends son passed away two years ago. Yes I totally believe in the power of prayer.. God has answered so many of mine, so yes please include her in your prayers. In fact if I did not have God in my life I do not think I could stand the pain.. I have pictures of my husband all over and I glance at them everyday and sometimes talk to them ..last night I took one down and really looked at it and remembered ,something I try not to do very often as right now it hurts too much.. anyway I had a good cry and felt a bit better.. I know he is in such a good place now and with out all the drugs and chemo and pain but I just wanted to grow old with him and had so many plans for our future. And I just want to hear his voice again.. I miss him so much... sammie(Jana)

[tokenyankee]

I guess I fit right in with the rest of you. I lost my husband on November 16th, 2003. It is still fresh and the shock is still hard to deal with.

A year ago, he was having a limited range of motion in his right shoulder. He had surgery on it in December of 2001. He started going to a sports doctor and chiropractor and they started working on breaking up the scar tissue. During that time, Vic's back started bothering him some and as time went by, a "knot" formed in the middle of his back. By February it had gotten really painful and seemed to be growing. They thought it might be a slipped or ruptured disc, so he went on to a specialist in March. The specialist realized he was in way too much pain for it to be a disc problem so he ordered an MRI and three days later, we sat in his office and he showed us a large mass in his chest cavity between his right lung and spine. It was trying to invade his spine, which was causing the inflammation that was making the "knot" on his back. That doctor had had leukemia in 1990 and recommended his oncologist. He even called him from his office and they had us go right over that afternoon.

Vic went through all the usual tests and biopsies and on April 7th, he was diagnosed with metastic renal cell cancer. It had started in his right kidney and had spread from there. He had several small spots around his chest and lung area as well.

He went through radiation to try to get those spots so they could remove the kidney and hope all would be well. Of course, he was still stage IV and that was a bad sign, but Vic had always been an optimist and he wasn't going to let it get him down.

Over the following months, he had so many setbacks. The first was in May when a tumor was growing in his C5 vertibrae and actually shattered the vertibrae. They didn't even know it was there before that. He had to have emergency surgery for that. I kept getting the feeling that the cancer was growing a lot faster than the doctors thought. Every time they would get one spot gone with the radiation, they would find another one. By the end of June, he was in so much pain and was on so many pain killers that he was out of his mind(literally)and his radiation oncologist told me he probably wouldn't make it to July.

As a last resort, his regular oncologist put him on chemo to see how he would respond. Initially, he did great. It's like God gave him extra time and he got stronger and felt really good and cut back on the medications and he was acting like himself again. But, after two months, he started weakening again and the chemo didn't seem to help him much. I could see bumps on his body where tumors were. His last CT scan showed it had progressed and was mostly in his chest/lung area. It was frustrating. He was not a smoker or drinker and was the most wonderful person. But Vic kept optimistic and believed God was going to heal him. He never got bitter and never blamed God. He loved God so much and told me that he would love God even if He let him die.

And he did just that, too. I have never seen someone die in such a positive way. He ended up getting pneumonia and went back into the hospital. Even there, though, he was positive and kept praising God. He was only comatose for the last couple of hours. I was grateful that he didn't have to drag on for a long period of time and that he went pretty quickly.

I've been pretty strong through everything this year, including his death, but it's still so hard at times to deal with it. Being a widow at 42 was not in my plans! It was a second marriage for both of us and we both had children from our first marriages, so we had had our share of turmoil over the years, but we were so close and people always commented on how well we got along together. We had talked about retiring and growing old together one day. That's hard to think about now... "one day" is all gone for us!

I do have a lot of good memories and lots of pictures, but I miss him so much. The house is so empty now and I'm not use to living alone. We had to have our dog put to sleep less than two weeks before Vic died, also, so now there are just 2 cats and me and it gets so lonely and quiet. The cats haven't adjusted to the change yet, either.

I know things will get better. My aunt said that it gets easier, but the pain never totally goes away. I know I have to pick up and move on. Vic would not want me to be unhappy and he would want me to move on and be active in our church and do the things he wasn't able to do. It's hard some days, though, to even think so positively. I have a building full of tools and things that were his that I have absolutely no idea of what to do with. He told me to sell them, but I have no idea what they are even worth. So, it's things like that that are hard on me. If I ever decided to relocate, it would be a big job. My family lives up north and would love me to move back there, but Vic's family and the kids are all in this area and I have friends and great neighbors and work here, so I have no idea what I'll end up doing. I'm not even going to try to make that decision for quite a while. I just want to learn to deal with life as it is now.

I know my situation is not much different than others even though at times I feel all alone. It's good to read here and know that I'm not alone and it's good to be able to "vent". Thanks for listening.

[sammielee]

Oh my heart breaks so much for you and I feel your pain.. My husband died in aug .. And like you it was a second marriage and we were totolly in love and couldnt wait to retire and have fun.. He died at 59.. I have a strong belief and trust in God which is getting me through all of this.. Believe me he will get you through this also.. It will never go away and you will never forget..it iwill just be easier to get through a day and be very happy... I never thought i would be there this soon..as I said I walk day by day step by step with God along my side. Take Care... Jana

[tokenyankee]

Hi Jana(or "hey" in the area I live in!),

I, too, have a strong faith in God. It does make a huge difference. I know I will see Vic again in Heaven and that really helps get me through the low times. Isn't it great to have that to look forward to? It's still hard going through the grieving and missing them so much, but at least we can hold onto that ray of light and know that we'll be okay.

I am glad you are doing so well so soon. I know there will still be hard days for you as there will be for me, too. It's definitely one day at a time at this point and for a while to come!

My prayers are with you.

[sammielee]

[Hi , Yes today was a little rough.. I was thinking of my husband and how wonderful he was, all the little things he did for me and how kind he ws to everyone else and how much he loved the Christmas season and all the decorations.. I am putting up a tree but it is slow going and hard to do.. I am doing it for him , and my children who are older but I know Bill would want me to do this.. Then I started to cry and could not stop.. It is truly day by day , second by second..And I think it is a positive thing to let yourself think back and cry. Now I am ok again well as ok as I can be... without Bill.... Take care of yourself.. and my prayers are with you as well...jana

[tokenyankee]

I so understand! Vic loved live Christmas trees and that's all we've had since we've been together, but this year I just can't bring myself to get one or even drag out the ornaments. I do have one of those little artificial "sapplings" with the mini ornaments that I use to put in our bedroom. I decided that's all I can do this year, so that is in the dining room on a table. I did put lights and garland on the porch. I had started the lights the day he went back to the hospital, but wasn't able to finish them until my sis was here and helped me do it.

He always would get me presents and tease "I bought you something else for Christmas!" and he'd wrap it all up and put little notes on them like "To the bestest baby doll in the whole world... I love you super mega bunches..." etc etc... So, this year is gonna be extra hard.

I'm going to make myself get out and do things, though. I just know I have to do it even if I'm just going through the motions. It will still help in the long run.

We will get through this! Let's just stick together, okay? Do something special just for you! I did buy myself a couple of presents.... Things I needed that he would've bought me if he was here. I wrapped them and am saving them for Christmas. It would make him smile that I did something for myself like that.

Have a good day. It WILL get better for us!

Hugs & prayers,

cindi

[sammielee]

Hi Cindi,

I still cant get out all of my decorations so I think I will just give up.. Bill used to buy little things and hide them in the tree and make me find them.. When we were dating I taped a bunch of music for him, romantic songs etc.. I have been playing all of them and crying and remembering how I was feeling when I taped them... I have just decided I need to do this now. You go through so many different emotions.. I did not think Christmas would be quite this difficult..and all of my family just misses his humor and laughter so much. My youngest son when he comes over tells me he thinks of him everyday and when he comes here he touches things and says do you think Bill touched this and some remnant of that is still here.. I just feel so bad for him. I work in retail and being so very busy with that and all the crazy hours, that helps me.. It is just on days off if I have too much time to think.. I continue to pray and that helps me so much.. I know I could be much worse..I used to cry at the tv commercials..whenever a sad show would come on Bill would bring me the tissues before I even started to cry... you are in my prayers and thoughts... Bless you,, Jana

[tokenyankee]

Hey Jana,

I totally understand. I can't even go in the attic and look at ornaments this year. And I keep driving by all the places that sell trees and it bugs me so much... we always had a live tree. Vic loved the smell of pine.

Yesterday was hard. First trip to the lawyer to start things going and he commented on how young Vic was... And I sat there thinking how I should not be having to talk about his will or any of that! And how young his kids still are from his first marriage(4 of them between 15 and 20 plus a 1 year old grandson)and now they don't have a dad anymore. Then my mom called... She means well but asks questions over and over and over and that just brought the pain up again, so last night was pretty hard. I am one of those people who is fine having alone time and being on my own to do some things, but I hate living alone and doing certain things alone, so that is what is getting to me right now.

I know I'll get through it. I keep praying and I know I'm going to be fine. But I hate when I cry and I hate these emotions even though I know it's all part of the process... We will definitely get through it... We may shed a lot of tears, but we will get through it and be that much stronger for it!

Hugs,

Cindi

[sammielee]

Hi Cindi,

Sorry I have not gotten back to you before this.. One of the girls I went to high school with back in ohio.. wrote me an email that her daughter died unexpectedly.. she was in a home as from an infant she had has seizures and was mildly retarded and mary was a single mom with no child support and two other children. she had a hard life but did it all alone( With Gods help.. ) Her daughters health was good but she had a heart attack..and the home she was in was closing down so mary was in the process of trying to find another for her otherwise she would have had to quit work and try to find a way to take care of her at home.. Seems like God stepped and took her home which is the best place to be.. I would not say that to Mary now she is not ready to hear that, the funeral is tommorrow and she just wants to die.. I know the feeling first hand as well as you do.. My other friend whose husband died is not doing well at all but she is the one who lost her young son to cancer two or three years ago , so I can understand .. We were all friends and did things together so it is hard.. I am not ready for Chrismas either but we will get thru this and just think the glorious Christmas your husband and mine are having... take care big hugs back at ya..jana

[tokenyankee]

Hey Jana,

My heart goes out to your friend who lost her daughter as well as to your other friend who lost her son and husband. We know so well what they are feeling.

I did have a pretty good weekend. I think I finally started to come to terms with being alone at this point in my life. I stayed busy and saw a lot of people and when I was home, I had a lot of phone calls, so it all helped. I was going to move some of Vic's things but just couldn't bring myself to do it! So they will sit there a while longer. It is odd how some things just don't bother me and I can move them but other things I just can't even touch.

I really do want to just get Christmas over with. It won't be long now, though. I keep telling myself how Vic will have Christmas with Jesus this year. I am very happy for him as well as for your husband. It's just those of us left here that will have the struggle. But each day brings us a little farther along in our grief travels. That thought consoles me when I start to feel down. I try to think ahead to how much better I will feel just 6 months from now and I know I will be okay.

Hugs,

cindi

[sammielee]

Hi Cindi,

I have been lucky lately as I work in retail and it is our busiest season and my hours are long..so that does not leave a lot of time to cry.. tho I do think Of Bill everyday.. and yes what a wonderful Christmas they will be having.. My friend is now talking suicide and I have been trying to talk to her.. she wont get proffessional help but does have two daughters who live here.. hopefully they will be able to talk to her.. It is just too much with both her husband and son gone. Oh Cindi it will just take time for us and you know we will never fully get over all of this and will miss our husbands and love them forever. I have onemore day off till Christmas so If I dont get back to you quickly please have as good a day as you can on Christmas.. hugs for you..Jana

[sammielee]

Oh Cindi I forgot to tell you..I had my son go thru some of Bills things I gave some to charity and kept some and yes there are certain thing sI can touch and look at other I cant ... hugs Jana

[tokenyankee]

Hey Jana,

I think it is good that you are so busy this time of year. It will help you get through it easier. I am keeping pretty busy and it does make a difference. Friends are making sure that I have plenty to do. I keep hearing of other people who are dying now and my heart just goes out to their families... It takes some of the sting off of my loss by thinking of others, too. I realize that I'm not alone in this.

I do hope your friend will get help. It is bad to feel like suicide is the way to deal with her problems, so I hope she will realize that and reach out.

You have a good Christmas, also. It will definitely be different for us, but we can enjoy it as much as we are able.

Hugs,

Cindi