Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Can You Help Me?


rainbowbridge

Recommended Posts

Dear Christy,

Although each of us experiences grief differently and the journey is unique for every one of us, there isn’t a person in this forum who doesn’t feel as strongly as you do about the loss of our beloved animal companions. Certainly you are not alone in the intensity of your reaction to losing your cherished Aleutia, as I’m sure you can see as you read some of the other messages posted here.

When we are grieving, it is not unusual to have the pessimistic belief that things will never get any better, as if life and living are useless – and thoughts of suicide are not unusual, either. It is difficult to go on with life without our loved one, and it is only natural to feel a compelling need to join or to be with the one who has died. But there is a vast difference between thinking about suicide and acting upon such thoughts. In grief, thoughts of suicide are usually fleeting and reflect how desperately we want the pain of loss to end.

You’re also not alone in "grieving so hard as to make myself sick." Grief affects us in every aspect of our being: physical, emotional, cognitive, social and spiritual. As I indicated to you in the message I sent to you two weeks ago, however, I am concerned that now, 16 months after Aleutia’s death, it doesn’t feel to you as if you’re making much forward progress in your own grief journey.

Sometimes survivors fear that when we accept the loss of our loved ones, it means we have stopped loving them. Many people who are unable to let themselves feel the full impact of their loss find themselves stuck in wishing for the past and the return of a loved one. Consequently, there can be no forward movement and no acceptance of the loss.

Sometimes we who are bereaved torture ourselves believing that we need to "let go" of our loved ones who have died and say goodbye to them forever more – but when we love them that much, why in the world would we ever want to let go of them? You already know that "getting over" the death of someone so significant and so important in your life is impossible. We never "get over" such losses; instead, over time, as much as we don't want to do it, we find ways to live with our grief and live in a world without the physical presence of our loved ones in it.

I hope you know that the very special bond you have with Aleutia will remain with you always. She will be with you just as long as you strive to keep her memory alive in your heart and in your mind. As you work your way through this grief journey of yours, keep in mind that it is the pain and resentment of losing Aleutia that you will one day manage to "let go" of – but you need never "let go" of your relationship with her.

May I gently suggest that you focus instead on letting go of your pain? Think of what Aleutia would want for you as you live the rest of your life, Christy. Surely she would want you to miss her very much, as you do – but do you really believe she would want to see you suffering and miserable forever more? Perhaps instead she would want you to go on to live a good life as a way of honoring her memory.

And even though you cannot be wherever Aleutia is now, in a very real sense she is very much here with you, wherever you are, because her spirit and her memory live on in you, and because she is so very much a part of you. In many ways, you are more inseparable now than you were before she died, because your relationship with her is not limited by space and time and distance.

I see that you are visiting and posting in this forum regularly, Christy, and I hope that you’re finding it helpful as a place to put your feelings. I hope, too, that you are following some of the suggestions I offered to you a while ago.

In any event, I want to assure you once again that you are being heard and you are not alone. Whether we're responding to you individually or simply reading all the messages you've posted, there are many animal lovers here who care about you, and all of us are wrapping you in warm hugs tonight.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So true, you are NOT alone. My precious Cleo has been gone since '01, and I am still very sad. Rudy passed only since May, and I am still weepy-eyed occasionally. I have a VERY strong bond with animals and no matter when or how or whatever reason, once they go, I am sad for LIFE. In my own therapy, I find that my healing process works mainly when adopting a new furry companion, as well as seeking comfort in my fellow surviving furry companions. Rudy had been the best therapy when I adopted him a month after Cleo passed and when Rudy eventually passed also, I also adopted Brandy a month later. I found that the reason I was able to grieve and move on at the same time is simply by adopting new furry companions. However, of course, this method that worked for me may not work for others. Some people adopt a new wee one and have trouble loving or caring for the wee one while grieving.

I imagine you posted because of lack of support in your surroundings, or did somebody say something to you that upset you? I make sure to surround myself with those who cared about me- not that they necessarily have to understand pet loss, but just that I was just being sad about something (i.e. could be over a loss of boyfriend or even over a damaged book that's special to me, so forth), without trivializing me. I noticed other people who eventually feel better after a loss is usually because of adopting a new furry companion, and that those who didn't adopt yet are still very upset in their grief and have trouble moving on. They also are not taking care of themselves such as not showering, not doing their dishes, or not showing up for class or work. In my theory, if a person is grieving hard YET are still able to care of themselves, then I'd think they're in a safe position that they won't hurt themselves or make themselves sickly, but if they're not caring for themselves and getting in various trouble, then I'd think they may need professional help.

No matter what, grief is grief, and it's very very normal. It's even normal not to be able to shower for just only a day or two or even oversleep a little bit. It's all about normal sadness. You are sad. He is sad. She is sad. They are sad. Like I said, I bond with animals very strongly, so I am sad for life once they go. We adopt animals to love on and for to love us back, so it's very vulnerable and expected of us once we become an emotional wreck when they go permanently. I don't let anyone misdirect me otherwise. I also seek therapy by just staying home away from people and reading a book or watching a cute Xmas movie. That also helps me alot. I remind myself that once I adopt animals, that they don't live very long, and that it will sear my heart once they go. My close relationship with God reassures me that my animals are safe with Him, and that my duty is to continually open my heart to adopt more innocent souls after each passing to provide a nice safe haven for them, as well as to keep me healthy over the years. As they say- love hurts, but love heals as well. You NOT alone...

Best,

Karen

http://www.angelfire.com/zine2/shihtzuforu...eomemoriam.html

"Cleo Memoriam Page"

~~~

http://www.angelfire.com/zine2/shihtzuforu...dymemoriam.html

"Rudy Memoriam Page"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I recieve professional help regularly. Aleutia was with me when i was abducted, raped, beaten and shot in the mouth and left for dead for 4 days in NY. The bullet that should have killed me, went through my mouth at an angle taking most of my teeth with it and passed across my shoulder ( taking most of it as well) entering Aleutia's shoulder. We were both thrown in a van, (the perps thought Aleutia was dead and wish to leave no evidence in the parking lot) and left to the heat and rot for four days. We were discovered when the impound lot came to collect the unknown van and noticed flies and blood seeping out the back door.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Crystal,

I was deeply touched and sorrowed to hear of your troubles. Life has chosen to give you some serious tests. You have endured more than most people are asked to. But you have endured, and you are reaching out and that shows an inner strength that you may not be aware of.

I have also had the feeling of wanting to follow Rulin, I realize that is dangerous for me and not what she would want me to do. Even though I have lost a vision of what a good future is for me right now, it is ok to be in that place, empty not knowing. Something good will fill up that space in time. Of course it still hurts. I know that I will always grieve and remember her but I can also go on living and hopefully contribute something to life while I am still here.

I admit it is easier for me because I have two other cats who need my attention. Even though like you I have guilt over her passing I am determined to learn from my mistakes and do better with the other cats. Of course I still grieve Rulin but I have these two to who give me purpose till I can fully find myself again.

I was so happy to read that you offered to take Rusty. That would be so great! If that does not happen I would suggest you consider rescuing another furry soul who needs you, there are so many.

Aleutia left you with the gift of love. It is obvious that even with all the hurt that has been done to you, you are capable of great love. You love her. You reach out to help people on this list, you reached out to Rusty, You have so much to give. Crystal please give some of that love to yourself. You may or may not forgive yourself, I’m sure Aleutia will forgive you if you ask her, she can hear you, just ask. If you can’t forgive yourself infuse that feeling with the love that you have. Your best tribute of Aleutia is to incorporate her loving aspect for yourself and for others. You have so much to give.

Aleutia gave you love, carry on her legacy. And when you finally meet her in the fullness of time you both will be trailed by other little souls that have benefitted by the love that you both shared.

Mamacat

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

HELLO, FROM CAROLE IN LIVERPOOL

IN my huge, and I beleive FOREVER GRIEF, Over the sudden death of my DARLING BLACK, SLEEK ADORABLE , KITTY-GIRL,*** MINKY***, WHO DIED ON THE MONDAY, 13TH SEPTEMBER 2004, ONE WEEK AFTER MY POOR*** TEDDY *** DIED OF KIDNEY FAILURE, and I presumed I would have many years to make things up to my young MINKY, after I gave TEDDY EVERY OUNCE OF MY ATTENTION FOR THE 10 MONTHS, DEPRIVING MINKY OF EVERYTHING WE HAD ENJOYED TOGETHER FOR THE 12 MONTHS PRIOR TO ME FINDING TEDDY, AND THEN THE BIGGEST SHOCK OF MY LIFE, IS THAT POOR MINKY WAS RUN OVER, BEFORE I HAD THE CHANCE TO MAKE IT UP TO HER. I WILL NEVR FORGIVE MYSELF FOR MAKING THE WRONG DECISION, IN FOCUSING TOTALLY ON TEDDY, PRESUMING MINKY WAS YOUNG AND WELL, AND WE HAD OUR WHOLE FUTURE TOGETHER,,,,,BUT NOW I AM SO DEVASTATED WITHOUT MY MOST SPECIALLY LOVING , BEAUTIFUL MINKY, WHO I LET DOWN SO BADLY,,,,SHE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO KNOW THOSE LONG 10 MONTHS ,WERE OVER, AND I WILL NEVER FEEL HER ON MY LAP, IN MY BED... FEEL HER BEAUTIFUL FUR , AND KISS AND PLAY WITH HER EVER AGAIN , OR SEE THE JOY ON HER FACE, KNOWING OUR LIFE WAS GOING TO BE SO SPECIAL AGAIN , MINKY WAS ALWAYS MY MOST LOVING YOUNG, FUNNY, AND BABY LIKE, SUCKING ON MY JUMPERS , AND SO ELEGANT AND SPECIAL...YOUNG ( 2 !/ 2 ) DARLING,,,,I HAVE BEEN PLUNGED INTO A HORRENDOUS NIGHTMARE,,, SO I KNOW SOME OF HOW YOU ALL FEEL, THERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU NEVER GET OVER, AND NOT HAVING MY MINKY NOW, IS SO UNREAL, AND I WILL MISS HER FOREVER,

HOW I WISH I COULD CHANGE WHAT HAS HAPPENED.... AND BE HAPPY LOVING MY MINKY AGAIN... i just never thought she would be killed,, as I live on a cul de sac, and it is a mystery that she went over my back fence to a nother quiet raod, and killed in daylight that morning. IF ONLY I HAD GOT HER INSIDE THAT MORNING WHEN SHE SO CUTELY, JUMPED ONTO MY WHEELIE BIN, AS I TILTED IT JUST ENOUGH, DOWN THE DRIVEWAY, PAST THE CAR, AND ONTO THE PAVEMENT, AND SHE WARMED MY HEART ....IF I HAD BROUGHT HER INSIDE, SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN SAFE, AND WITH ME NOW !!!! BUT BECAUSE I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE WEEK BEFORE, WHEN POOR TEDDY DIED, POOR DARLING MINKY WAS DEAD MAYBE AN HOUR LATER, AND I FOUND HER POOR BODY 10 DAYS LATER, LAID IN SOME LONG GRASS, ONLY 80 FEET FROM MY GARDEN FENCE...IT IS PURE HELL.... BUT TODAY I HAVE, TEARFULLY READ EVERY MESSAGE ON HERE, RUDY'S WEB SITE, AND RAINBOWBRIDGE/ ALEUTIA, AND ALL OF YOUR MESSAGES, SO THE ONLY THING IS, I KNOW I AM SO ALONE IN THIS ENORMOUS GRIEF WITH EVERY INCH A MEMORY, AND SHE SHOULD BE HERE NOW. MY LIFE WITHOUT MINKY IS A NIGHTMARE FROM NOW ON...WITH HUGE REGRETS, AND GUILT TAKE CARE ALL OF YOU HERE, AND LOVE ALL THE BABIES IN YOUR LIFE, AND DON'T PRESUME ,AS I DID , THAT SOMETHING ELSE , COULDN'T HAPPEN....BUT BEST WISHES TO YOU ALL......XXXXX

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are not alone, I remember when I had take my Sunshine in to be euthanized, I prayed that God should take me to at the same time. I just could not imagine life without my precious Sunshine, after all Street, was already there, now Sunshine, I should be going with them. I sense the enormity of your despair, all I can share with you is my experience. My despair did eventually turn into sadness where I seem to be still.

I am wondering, it is evident to me, the love you have for Aleutia, is it possible perhaps to find some of that love for you. Be gentle with yourself, you have already survived so much. I am sure Aleutia would want you to thrive in life even now. Our love for them can never be taken from us, it is our's and our's alone.

Please try to hang in, and take comfort that you are not alone at all in your sea of pain and grief. Thinking of you.

Sunstreet

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...