I Would Give Anything!

[WaltC]

Hello friends,

I was just sitting here thinking about the 3 months that I spent in early 2005 in the Palliative Care unit with my Jeannie, and wondering....

1. WHY?? Why her and not me?

2. Why is life sometimes so UNFAIR?

3. Why didn't I try harder to get some treatment for her "uncureable" cancer- Instead of accepting her "fate"?

4. Why didn't I spend 24 hours a day with her until the end? I certainly didn't have anything "better" to do.

5. Why didn't I realize much earlier that someday I might lose her?

6. Why can't I accept the fact that she is gone - forever?

7. Why can't I "move on"? Where to?

As this song says: I would give anything and everything I own just to have her back again...just to touch her once again.

Thanks for being here friends...thanks for understanding and caring.

[mlg]

Oh Walt, do I know what you mean on some of these things. It has only been 6 mos for me but for some reason a couple weeks ago I was really beating myself about the last day. All our lives together I had tried to ALWAYS let Tom know how much I loved him. That last day I think he knew and was barely talking. He had a slight stroke and would get frustrated when people couldn't understand everything. The more he talked the better it sounded but I think he was just getting tired of trying. I tried to let him have some time to be alone with his thoughts but now I'm beating myself up that I didn't lay there all day next to him. Maybe then he would have said or done something to let me know he had to urinate and wouldn't have wet himself for the first and only time. I know that had to hurt his dignity. I think if I knew then what I know now I would never have left that bed and am so worried that he thought I was giving up on him. I just wish we all had a big crystal ball and could make our decisions by looking in to it. I know we don't though and I think most of us did the best we could do for our loved ones. That's why I always tell my girls to be sure to tell their families how much they love them because you never know when you won't have that opportunity. They loved their dad very much and were there every step of the way in his last 4 1/2 months. They too are having a hard time so I think that's why sometimes even with them I put on a "good" front.

I'm sure Jeannie will always be in your heart but right now I have such a big hole I thing Tom slides right on through. Hopefully some day that will get better so I can hold him closer.

Mary Linda

[karenb]

I am so sorry, you guys. It's an awful thing we all have to go through, the pain, the memories, all of it. I feel badly for us all, but there's nothing but to keep on going....for them....for us. Just keep trying.

Your friend, Karen

[JoeA]

Walt –

I’ve asked all these same questions. I’m still working on them, but here are some thoughts I hope might help.

The first two questions have no answer. They’re just a cry in the dark. We hear you and we are here for you in any way we can be supportive.

The next three questions – the “Why didn’t I” questions – are something all of us in this group have experienced. We all have had regrets. It is important to process these regrets. Recognize them for what they are. Forgive yourself. Ask your wife for forgiveness. That may sound crazy, but try it anyway. It worked for me, and it has worked for others. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross herself recommends it (“On Grief and Grieving”).

As for “accept” and “move on”, well, how can anyone accept something so completely UN-acceptable? Again, from Kubler-Ross:

“Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being allright or okay with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel okay or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage (acceptance) is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it okay, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live.”

Please know that you are not alone. We are all struggling.

Peace,

- Joe

[shauna marie]

Walt,

I've never been married and so have never lost a spouse so I can't say that I "understand".

I understand your questions perfectly, they go through my mind constantly and I'm always left with no answers.

As Joe said, questions 1 and 2 have no answers. Actually, I should say there are no satisfactory answers.

Question 3...It's a long, long story, but my mother wanted to be taken to the hospital the day she died. (She had a very long history of that, even faking things to get an ambulance sent to the house.) I steadfastly refused and went to work. (If you check my history, one of the first posts dealt with this issue if you need more information as to how she was acting at the time.) She died later that day. Of course, I berated myself for not taking her to the hospital that day. However, the bottom line is that by doing so, would have only prolonged MY suffering. She wasn't going to get any better, never. It was very difficult to watch her. Is it possible that the same applies to you? By her going through other treatments, after being told it was uncurable, what are the chances that she would have beat it?

Question 4...If not spending 24 hours a day with her was normal, then obviously spending 24 hours would be abnormal. You might have had to face the truth--which is a danged hard thing to admit. (This is also my explaination for question 5.) Also, the day that I admitted honestly to myself that my mom wasn't going to make it, was the day she died. I'm thankful she was able to hang on long enough for me to come to that conclusion.

Question 6...If she's "gone"...then why are you posting about her? Why do you look at certain things, hear certain songs, look at stores and automatically think of her? She isn't gone. Perhaps in body, yes. My theory with my parents dying is that they could do more for me in heaven than on earth. I've had about a zillion strange things happen since they've died. Perhaps it isn't them, but there's just too many for it NOT to be them.

Question 7...I really have no answer to that yet. I think that's something that you yourself have to contend with in your own way.

Take care,

Shauna

[KathyG]

4. Why didn't I spend 24 hours a day with her until the end? I certainly didn't have anything "better" to do.

5. Why didn't I realize much earlier that someday I might lose her?

6. Why can't I accept the fact that she is gone - forever?

7. Why can't I "move on"? Where to?

Dear Walt,

Some comments I hope will help:

- All human beings have limits. That's why you couldn't be with your wife 24 hours a day till she passed. Grieving and traumas take a huge toll on us, but in times of severe grief and stress we can't survive unless we allow ourselves some rest and a few moments of emotional relief. That's why no one can stay awake indefinitely; our bodies know when lack of rest is becoming dangerous, so they shut down after a time and we fall asleep.

- Though we know we all will die someday, no one really wants to think about it happening. And really, how could we live day to day if we constantly feared that in the next moment, we or someone we love might be gone? Even when we know someone's death is near and inevitable, we can't help believing to the last that there still may be some hope. We don't want to give up on those who are precious to us.

- I can't tell you where you'll go as you move on. But every day you've gotten through since your wife's death, you HAVE BEEN moving forward, though you may not have realized it. Time doesn't let the world still, so even if we do nothing, things change and go forward around us. Just by asking these questions, you're moving forward and working on getting through your loss.

[Jan Thurman]

I know how you feel. When this happened to my husband I was given ativan because I couldn't deal with what was happening. I don't even remember the week in the hospital or the week after. Once they new that he had permanent brain damage and would not come out of the coma they took him off life support and moved him upstairs to die. I don't remember any of this. My daughter and all his 4 children were there and his brother and sister. I was completely oblivious to what was going on. I have never been so drugged in all my life. But my daughter said I had to be because I would have ended up in a hospital bed. I did not go upstairs and be with him while he passed away and the other day the guilt that I felt overwhelmed me. But my daughter said that he didn't know anything. He had actually died 5 days before but was just being kept alive on life support while they tried to see how much brain damage there was. His brother was with him so at least he wasn't alone. I didn't even remember my daughter coming and telling me that he had passed away. So everone has to do what they have to do at a time like that. It is the most stressful time of our lives. Take care. Jan

[kayc]

Jan is right, we have to be accepting of ourselves that we did the best we could under these very trying circumstances. George and I spent all of our free time together, always reserving the weekends for one another. Once a year I would go away to my "Sisters Reunion" and this particular weekend was when he happened to have a heart attack and die. By the time I learned of it and got a ride to the hospital, there were people there, then they moved him to ICU and when I was allowed in, he was asleep. He awakened having another heart attack so when I summoned help, they forced me to leave...hence, I was not allowed to be with my beloved husband when he passed. For the rest of my life I will regret that. But blame myself? I could not have foreseen or changed anything. My husband knew I loved him more than anything in the world and he has to know how much I wanted to be with him, to hold his hand as he was ushered into the next world. I didn't get that opportunity. But he awaits me and just as there was never any "blame" between us in our life together, there isn't in death either. We all would give anything for one more moment together, but that's not our option.

As Joe quoted, “Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being alright or okay with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel okay or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage (acceptance) is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it okay, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live.”

We go on merely because it is ours to do so, until we can be together again.

[LarrysGirl]

Walt, you and I have been on almost the same path since 2005. I ask those questions over and over. I didn't see Larry's death coming. We were waiting and fighting for a transplant and I wouldn't give up on hope for a second. Maybe others saw it coming, I refused to see it. I have days where the anger at his life being cut short overwhelms me. I'm still struggling with how to go on. I tell people "everyday" I want my old life back. I know that doesn't help the situation but its the truth. I wish for you strength to continue, some peace of mind and of course your beautiful memories of Jeannie. Some questions don't have answers but that doesn't mean we can't keep asking WHY. Deborah

[MikeC]

Walt, I am pretty new to this (one month today), and I am asking myself almost all of those questions. You are not alone.

Mike

[WendyJ]

Welcome to our group Mike, I am so sorry for your loss. Please talk about your loss whenever you are up to it, we care and understand all too well and will give you all the support we can. Some of us are new like you and some have been here for years and still need the support and love of eachother. You have certainly come to the right place.

Love,

Wendy

[WendyJ]

Walt thank you for posting that song, was always one of my favorites, but never heard it by Rod Stewart, and of course I cried my eyes out. Like you I am still asking all those questions and asking all the what if's. Life certainly is so unfair, Deb like you, everyday I wish I could have my old life back. I certainly would do things differently and stop running with the rat race out there and take time to notice and appreciate the things in life that mean the most.

Love,

Wendy

[missingcharlie]

One of my very favorite songs! It was originally done by Bread (back in the 70's for all you younger peeps)

I cried all the way through it....

Hugs to all.

Patti