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He Should've Called Me By Now

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My dad was working overseas. After a nice Christmas and New Years at home, he flew back to work. Just a few weeks later, robbers attempted to take his life while trying to silence him in his sleeping quarters. He died in the hospital that tried to save him. My mother never made it to the airport to go and see him (nor did the rest of us). That was January 26, 2004. He was only 48.

The very last time I saw him was on Christmas Day 2003. Our means of communicating was through internet chatting. The last time I chatted with him was January 19, 2004. I still look for him online. He should have visited me by now. He should have called by now. I, too, am a daddy's girl. The last thing he ever said (chatting) was "Good Night, I wish I could be there to tuck you in just like when you were little."

I have been sad since January, but it seems that this week has been AWFUL. I have had absolutely no desire to do anything. I have a tendency to take my feelings and squash them down and hope they go away. But it's not working!!! I've been seeing a counselor for a few months, but I haven't 'seen the benefits' of it yet.

My husband is starting to worry about me and has asked how he can help. But I don't know what to tell him. I don't have a clue. My 4 yr old tells me that "papa" still loves me and my 2 yr old asks me why I'm crying. I think I've tried too hard to hide my emotions from them and now they are a little confused. Needless to say, there is an air of tension in our household.

I'm posting this hoping that this constitutes "talking" about it. I hope it works.

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I'm sorry for your loss. I have lost my mother and yet I still think she is going to call me to say HI...

Missing your parent is very difficult. I also tried to squash my feelings, and that is totally not the way to go because I have found that they creep up on you when you least expect it. A girl that works in my office arrived one day with the same perfume my mom used to wear and I started bawling and in a way, it was neat because I felt like she was in the room with me....anyhow, show your feelings, talk about it, to everyone! Some people are put off by death, but you know what? That's part of life and if they can't handle it then you will know. Hardly anyone in my family talks to me anymore because I do talk about my mom's death and how much it sucks and how much I miss her. Children are especially keen on feelings and if you try to hide how you feel, they know it. Maybe you can express to them that you have a boo-boo on your heart from when your dad died and it will hurt for a long time and you need to cry now and then and if they want to hold your hand or be with you, that would be great, and if they don't, then that's OK, too. Just let them know that you love them and your heart is happy for them, but sad for your dad and when people have boo-boos, they cry sometimes.

Hope this helps...

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