August 2

[DebFromLodi]

Time is going by so quickly. I still remember Feb 2, 2008 when my mom passed away. I can't stop thinking about her, I just don't know how to go on. I wish I could go visit her in the convalescent hospital like I did so many mornings. I would walk in and her face would light up and she would say "HI!! I love you, I love you, I love you." Now I am left with only memories of her sweet voice and beatiful smile. When I am busy during the day, it is much better, of course. But I have so much time on my hands. I just started school at the Adult School. So for 2 hrs of every day during the week, I will have a break from thinking of her and missing her so desperately. My bedroom is upstairs, when I go to bed at night and look out the window, there is a street light far in the distance. It appears to be about where her house used to be. I say good night to that light every night and pray it is my mom watching down over me. I can't believe I will never see her again. And the cemetary where she is buried is a mess. They use a weed eater to clean around the headstones, which makes it all white and dead looking. Is there anything i can do to force them to make it look better? I can hardly stand to go there anymore. They don't even remove the dead flowers from the time i visited her before, no matter how long ago that was.

I just needed to express my feelings, thanks for listening.

[leeann]

((((Deb)))) Hugs for you.

Yes I know what you mean about missing the physical presence of your Mom. And I have found that being busy has helped me too.

And I must say I think it was a great idea to take a course at the Adult school! That's a good way to keep busy AND do something for yourself at the same time.

The street light.. yes that's sounds like a good tangible way to remind yourself that she is indeed still with you and watching over you. However.. if it ever goes out for some reason.. I wouldn't think that she has abandoned you.. just keep in mind that, truly, love never dies.

The cemetary problems.. I don't know about your particular cemetary but some have 'individual grave care' for a fee. Otherwise it would be up to the individuals' families to take care of it.

If the cemetary has damaged plants that you have put there with a weed killer etc. you may have some recourse.

But probably the best thing to do would be to just contact the cemetery and ask about what one can normally & reasonably expect as far as grave maintenance is concerned when one buys a plot in their cemetery. (Like without the individual grave care) Then if what they say doesn't jive with what you have experienced there.. tell them.

It might also help if you ask them about any rules as to what one is allowed put on or at a gravesite. Usually they have a distance allowed from the headstone that you can put flowers or plants etc in.

Some have restrictions about what type of plants are and are not allowed. But it is best to just ask them what their rules are.

If however what they advertise or told you they would be responsible for, as far as maintenance is concerned, isn't not being done.. I would let them know about it. And if there is supposed to be grass there and there isn't.. I would ask them when they plan to re-seed etc.

Let us know how you make out with it.

leeann

[firefly]

I already tried to respond to this. I must have messed it up. so I will try again.

hopefully there won't be two messages.

I was just going to say that would make me very upset to see my brothers grave ill kept, or if there were too many rules to keep. My biggest pet peve is when people put things that he wouldn't like at his spot. Like big puffy fake pink flowers, or trash like cigaretes and beer. yes he did like those things but it makes his spot look trashy!

it is hard enough to go there...I wish you the best and i hope that situation improves.

-firefly

[DebFromLodi]

Today is the 2nd. It is a hard day, going to take her flowers later. Why do i feel so guilty? I feel guilty that I am living my life without her. It does not seem fair. Life has just gone forward and it doesn't seem like it should have. I can't explain these feelings, but they are not good ones. I mean, if I truly loved her, wouldn't my life have stopped the day her's did? I am not going to do anything stupid, that is not what I am getting at. It just does not feel right that I am going on day to day. Does that make sense?

[shauna marie]

deb,

Yes, it makes sense. I'd be surprised if none of us felt that way, actually.

I have a question for you though. What would your mom have wanted? Would she have wanted you to go on or die with her?

Fulfilling those wishes means you love her, not dying because she did.

Sending you gentle thoughts and a (((((deb))))).

Shauna

[leeann]

It just does not feel right that I am going on day to day. Does that make sense?

I get that Deb. And in a way I can perfectly understand why you feel it isn't right for you... that it doesn't feel right for you to go on without Mom here.

And maybe the reason is... you have never 'done' life without Mom being here.

So yeah..it feel 'wrong' to be living your life now without her here.

It isn't "wrong" in the sense of right & wrong. But it feels totally bizarre and totally new. Like one day the earth you were walking on just got switched to a new earth somehow. Everything seems different and not 'right'.

Well it is certainly different for sure. Your life is different.. totally different than it was when your Mom was still alive.

There is no denying that.

I found that it helped me to keep in mind that this was a whole new life for me now. And yup, this new life wasn't one I necessarily wanted. But I had no choice in this. It was simply their time to go.

So somehow I had to learn to live my life all over, in a way... a new way. A new way ...without them here by my side.

Ya know what helped me?? I kept thinking of my Mom and how she dealt with the losses in her life. My Mom was a mere 19 yrs old when she tragically lost her sister.. who was her only sibling. And then.. she had her parents. And her parents had her. But sadly.. not for long. I was only 2 when my Mom's mother, my maternal grandmother, died. And her father.. my maternal grandfather, passed a mere 11 months later.

There was my Mom, only in her 30's, with two very small children, under the age of 4 and she had lost her entire family of origin. She had to learn to live without both of them and do it while she had two small children.

And she did it.. and did it well as far as we could tell.

When I was older, I asked her what was that like?! Losing both parents so close together and having no one left of her original family. How had she coped with us being so young. Her response was "Of course you get sad at times. But.. you know.. you just do it. You do what you have to do and you go on because there really isn't anything else you can do."

And I know that may sound trite and old fashioned.. but I couldn't argue with her. What else could one do? Her faith was strong and she knew her folks were in a good place and that she had to deal with what was in front of her. That's one thing my Mom was good at.. quiet strength.

So after she passed and I thought about how she had coped... I figured.. well if she could do it.. I guess I can too. And maybe you think that's too simple.. but that's all there was to it. I told myself, "If Mom could survive that.. I can survive learning to live life witout her here too."

And that thought still keeps me going now. I doubt I'm doing it as well as she did.. but I know I'm doing my best. And I also know.. 'my best' would have been good enough for her. So I have to accept it as good enough for me too.

((((((Hugs)))))) for you Deb. Try to be patient with yourself... it really and truly hasn't been that long yet and you are no doubt feeling ever so raw still. It will get less raw.. in time. And you will be able to learn how to 'do' this new life without her physically here.

If it means anything, I sure think you are doing very good. You may not feel like you are.. but you are.

Think about how your Mom handled losses in her life... if she could make the life adjustments... you can too. But just be gentle & patient with you as she probably was with you too.

leeann

[DebFromLodi]

Thank you so much for your replies. I did make it through yesterday and I did take flowers to her. I think she was watching down as I talked to her at the grave.

This is the nicest place to come when I need to talk, thanks for helping me through this.

[shauna marie]

deb,

I'm sure she was watching you, too.

I fully believe that parents NEVER leave their children, ever. They are always with you.

Take care,

Shauna