Missing Persons

[MikeC]

Mary Linda,

I think we all beat ourselves up about things we feel we should or should have done for our lost loved ones. I know I feel guilt about some things I did in Janet's last weeks that I thought were right at the time but looking back wish I hadn't done. I wish I hadn't convinced her to try one last chemo treatment, hoping it would help slow the disease. Instead, it made her more nauseous than any of the other treatments ever did, and the nausea lasted for 3 days. I also persuaded her to eat when she really didn't want to, but she did it for me even though she knew it would result in more nausea. My motive was to try to prolong Janet's life, but the main result was discomfort for her. I often think about these things at night and wish I had apologized to her for them while she was alive.

As for visiting your friend I really think you should go. I have a feeling he would like to see you and if you don't go will wonder why you haven't come to visit him. You will probably regret it if you don't go.

MIke

[kayc]

Mary Linda,

I also think you should go...the alternative would be that he might feel abandoned and uncared about, should no one go see him. Knowing what your experience has been, it will mean all the more to him that you cast aside your personal discomfort in favor of caring about his situation.

[AnnC]

I did not get to spend time with my ex-husband during his illness, and I greatly regret that. We lived on opposite coasts, and I did not have much money at the time. I told him when I found out how ill he was, that I wanted him to move to Seattle so I could take care of him, or I would come to Atlanta. I knew he had no family left -- both parents dead, and he had been an only child, and aunts and uncles all gone, one adopted cousin, also gone or missing. I was the closest to family that he had. But he said he had friends there who were taking care of him and a support system, and I should not quit my job and leave my life to take care of him. So we spent hours on the phone during his illness. I planned to visit when I had more money and he was feeling better. But it took me a long time to get over the regrets and guilt when he died and I had never visited. It was very hard. But I noticed over time, through grief groups, that even if someone left their loved one's side for 15 minutes, they blamed themselves when that person died. I guess we all feel it, because we wish we had more control than we have.

We had some close friends in college while we were dating. We introduced them on a blind date, and they ended up getting married a year before we did. I was maid of honor, and my ex was a groomsman at their wedding, and he gave me my engagement ring at their rehearsal dinner. So there was a lot of shared history with them. This couple, whom I'd know for 29 years by the time my ex died, came out to the West coast to visit their son, and we got together. I was excited, because I had been sharing memories with my ex's more recent friends, which was wonderful. But this couple had known us long ago, and I looked forward to sharing those happy old memories of when we were young.

Well, guess what? Neither one of them mentioned him the entire visit. I brought him up -- and I was careful to make the memories happy, funny ones (he had a wonderful sense of humor), not sad ones, but still, they would either ignore the reference, turn away, or say just, Yes and then change the subject. They seemed to want to behave as if he never existed.

My mother pointed out that not everyone wants to talk about grief, and she implied that I was just feeling sorry for myself. However, about a year after that, my father died, and she changed her tune.

People who have not been through this often think they are reminding you of your grief if they talk about the person who has died. As a psychologist I work with says, Of course we never forget! We don't need to be reminded, that person is always in our thoughts, and talking about them and sharing memories is comforting. But other people often don't seem to understand that.

Since my ex's death, I have had two friends who died of terminal cancer. I visited both of them -- I find that the greatest regrets are the regrets that we have about what we did NOT do, not what we did do. So I try now to err on the side of doing something, visiting the person, making some kind of contact to let them know I care. They both said they were very happy I did so, and I had fewer regrets when each of them did eventually pass away. And my father, as I mentioned, had terminal cancer. When he was diagnosed, we had just had an argument, but I spent as much time with him as I could after that, and was there for his final days, and I have never regretted that.

Ann