Today Is The Day - 1 Yr. Since Walter Died.

[PattyAnn]

Tonight at 10:15 p.m. a year ago, all the magic went out of my life as I watched and held my beloved Walter as he was dying. I remember every detail so vividly. The sad and fearful look he had in his eyes. Could he hear me as I pleaded from my heart for him to hang on...that I needed him...that I loved him so much?

I've had so many hurtful things said to me this last year. Most people don't realize what they are saying, but it's been hard to hear some of their comments.

Today, I held Walter's ashes in my arms...so many tears, so many tears. Four of my friends have called to see if I'm alright. They all have their husbands, they just don't know what this kind of grief is like. It's so different than they can ever imagine. They mean well, but they just don't know how badly it hurts to lose your Knight in Shining Armor, the man of your dreams. In my world Walter was my everything.

From the opera La Traviata...loosely translated,..."as long as the Heavens will allow tears, I will weep for you." And I do weep for his suffering, his death, my emptiness. I now know what it feels like to be "half a soul".

I have such a heavy heart today, but I was blessed to have such a wonderful man love me. For that I am most grateful.

Pat

[MartyT]

Bless your dear heart, PattyAnn. We're all holding you gently, at 10:15 tonight and every night thereafter . . .

[PattyAnn]

~~~~Thank you so much for caring. I touches my heart!

[LarrysGirl]

Patty Ann, I'll be thinking of you tonite. I know your heart aches and my heart hurts for you. Losing the man you love, its the hardest, and like you part of me (most of me) died with him on that day. I wish you some peace and comfort. Deborah

[MikeC]

Patty Ann, your words speak right to my soul. I am experiencing everything you describe: friends who don't really comprehend the depth of my loss, the sense of being "half a soul", and feeling so fortunate that I was loved so dearly by such a wonderful woman. I so miss being loved by her.

I will hold you and your Walter in my thoughts tonight. Peace be with you.

Mike

[mlg]

Patty Ann,

How strange that I would read your post at 10:13 my time. I will be saying a prayer for you as soon as I get done with this post.

Peace to you,

Mary Linda

[Guest moparlicious]

Patty Ann,

My heart and love goes out to you for my beloved Dan passed away 08/20/07,at the age of 41, and I was in the room with him as he took his last breath as well. The haunting look, for I could not distinguish fear or sadness in his eyes!!!! I know all about the vanishing friends, but you do have many friends here who love and care about you. I am praying for you and know that you are in my heart. I send you virtual hugs(((( )))) The love and memory of our angels will always be with us, for their body may not be here but their spirit is. I do understand and know what you are going through,I am here for you. Love, Kim

[JeanneC]

Patty Ann

I know how hard this must be for you. I will pray for you and your husband as I pray for everyone here. It is hard for people to understand the loss of a spouse. I try very hard to respect the relationships that my friends have with their spouses, because I too was married. As I was reading your post I started crying, because I was thinking of my Alex who passed away 2 months ago today. I too was with him when he died. My husband was not conscious, but I am sure he knew I was there with him. Two days before he died he was conscious and he gave me a look and squeezed my hand real tight (even though he had no strength. He knew I was there because a very dear friend of his called me the day he died and wanted to go to the hospital with me to spend the day there so I would not be alone. I had not heard from her in some time, so it was strange that of all days she picked that day. That to me was a sign (one of many) that he did not want me to be alone at that time. He knew that now he was at peace and that I did not have to go through that terrible day alone. But, you know Patty Ann none of us are alone. We are all here for each other.

Love and God Bless

Jeanne

[KathyG]

PattyAnn,

Though many of us here have situations like yours and similar feelings, no one else, family or not, can feel the pain Walter's loss has caused you. All I can do is tell you I'm so sorry, I understand, I'm here for you and I pray you'll find some peace and comfort from God today.

((((((( )))))))

Kathy

[PattyAnn]

Thank you one and all. I made it through the day with lots of tears and sadness. I still feel that way today. It's not like a switch is flipped and now I should feel different than yesterday.

All your support did make a difference though, because I knew you all understand this type of grief. Thank you again for responding!

Pat

[Lily]

Dear PattyAnn, I'm so sorry. I was with Rich when he died and I have cried

every day - it's as though I'm filled with tears and nothing else. I don't

know your pain, but I know it's there and how much it hurts - I know that

somedays I find mine almost unbearable and don't really see why I should

live, and yet people that have not either had the kind of relationshps we

had or have not lost someone in their relationship seem to think you're

ok or better or getting along just fine because outwardly we look "ok".

I look at picture of Rich and even now, 10 months after he died, there's

a part of me that must not be able to accept the horror of it, because

I still can't believe he's gone. It's not that I sit and stare at his

pictures, but when I'm dusting or moving something or just anything and

I see him, I honest to God, can not believe he's gone from me forever.

Anyhow, PattyAnn, this sounds crazy,but I wanted you to know that your're

in my mind and my heart. I don't know if this will help, but a friend of

mine told me that when her husband was in the hospital and was near death

but later was revived, that he told her he felt a peace come over him and

felt very soothed; he didn't feel anxious ; he didn't feel fear - only

a calm. I have to believe that your last moments must be that way. Love, Lily

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Pat,

Just went thru the 1st anniversary of my husband's death, Patrick. I hoped to flip a switch with the ceremony I made for him, it didn't work. My tears have flowed like a damn that burst..& I've relived every aching moment of his last year alive. The "others" don't understand this kind of loss....clueless. They may love us, but they want us to be our former selves, which will not ever be, for we have been drastically changed by our suffering & experience.

We feel lost, alone & vulnerable. Do the best you can, Pat & don't be ashamed of your grief. The Western world does not know how to deal with grief. My heart goes out to you, Pat, & I'm walking the trail right beside you.

Vickie

[PattyAnn]

Lily,

Regarding your comment, "I honest to God, can not believe he's gone from me forever."

Every time I wake up in the morning and he isn't there, every time I sit down to eat a meal and he isn't there.....it's like I have to work my way through the shock of Walter's death and absence over and over and over again each day.

My mind just can't accept that I will never hear his voice, touch him, hear his footsteps coming up the stairs, etc. It's really a lot for one's mind to deal with and one year's time just isn't enough to integrate that into my brain. (will I ever?) It really is a different reality for us now and we have to keep reinventing ourselves each day. It's such a struggle, isn't it?

My heart is with you as you go through your journey. Thank you for your comments.

Pat

[kayc]

Patty Ann,

My thoughts are with you, I wish I'd realized before I went to bed last night, I would have wrote you then. There is something about the one year mark...I chose to look at it as a milestone of having survived all the "firsts without", for I never thought I could do that. I wish I could say it'd get easier, but everyone's journey is unique. I know you miss him and that this is the hardest thing you've ever gone through, I wish we could make it easier somehow.

Hugs to you...

Love,

KayC

[PattyAnn]

Vickie,

Yes, those tears...I've cried so much this year I think my facial features have even changed! I look different. The sadness and pain show on my face all the time now!!

I didn't know I was capable of crying so much. When will the tears stopped? (it feels like they never will).

I guess we expected some relief from the pain at the one year mark. It didn't happen for me.

Please know that I care about your pain as well.

Pat

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Pat,

I don't know when the tears stop...& I've aged 10 years since Pat's death..I do understand..that my face is not the same. I'm not the same inside, either. I had to get rid of Pat's chair, for every time I walked by it, I was looking for him sitting in it! When I drive his truck, I can see his strong hands on the wheel. As Joni Mitchell said in a song "The beds too big...the frying pans too wide".

Pat's favorite dog, his Nikki.. had an epileptic seizure the day before the anniversary of his death. I thought I would surely lose my mind if his Dog died the day before he died. I'm so grateful that didn't happen.

I'm right here with you, sister, & if I knew where that pain button was, I'd flip it for everyone.

Vickie

[PattyAnn]

KayC,

Yes, in a way it is a milestone, yet I feel stuck in those moments that Walter was slipping away from me. Like you, I didn't think I would make it this far, but it doesn't feel like a year. My perception of time is different now from everyone else's I guess.

It really, really does help to hear from all of you. Thank you so much!