I Feel So Lost

[cheryl lee]

Today is exactly 2 months since my Dale died,I have been crying since Sunday,after my son and his fiance left,I can't seem to find any joy in anything. My sons getting married, my one girl is getting married, I have a new grandchild on the way,there is so much happy stuff going on, and I just want to cry. And i am.Maybe I have been trying to be brave, nobody likes a downer, but damnit I feel like a downer. i just intervied for a new job, but I also saw a ad in the newspaper for a grief group thats starting this month. I know its hard to start a new job and ask for certain time off, but I think i will talk about this with them because I really feel I need this, i have never been one to join a group, but this is more then I can deal with.I know if I stay at the job I'm at they will be ok with it, do these groups really help?There is like 6 sessions, all dealing with different steps, is it worth trying? Any advice would be welcome. Thanks Cheryl lee

[fred]

Hi Cheryl Lee, I am so sorry that you are hurting so much, but I do know what it is like. At two months I was still in shock, even though I didn´t realize it. Twenty months have just passed and although things are generally better there are still down periods of considerable length. The grief group in person is probably a very good idea, expecially if it is composed of people as warm, loving and compassionate as we find here. You can certainly read past posts about in-person support groups that were anything but supportive and I hope you won´t fall into one of those. I personally didn´t even think about looking for such a group even if they exist in my area. A whole year passed after my wife´s death before I realized I wasn´t getting any better and began to search for the reason why, I accidently ended up here. Who says there isn´t a God. I had tremendous support from both my family and my wife´s and actually have three churches full of people that have gone out of their way to help. Even with all of that, it wasn´t until finding this group and its very special members that I began to heal. That said, there is still nothing like feeling the warmth and love of people in person, and we can always use a hug. I wish you the best of luck with your difficult decisions at this, the worst time to have to make them. Hugs to you!

[dpodesta]

Cheryl,

I went to a place called the WARM Place it wasn't a program where you had a certain amount of sessions and that was it, you stayed until you were ready to leave. This group however was geared more for the children. My son was 6 when Karen died. The way it worked is the kids were in age approprate groups and then the adults met in their own group and did stuff as well to help us through. For me the group helped a lot. It came at a time when I was wondering if there was anyone else my age going through this. The group helped a lot I don't think I would have done as well with out it. Once my son gets older and can stay by himself I want to go back one day as a volunteer to be able to help othes get through this very trying time. If your current job will let you take the time off to attend then I really recommend you stay at that job for now and take advantage of the healing you will be able to get from the group. Obviously though if finances are the main reason for changing then you need to take care of yourself that way also. This is a very hard spot to be in, do you take care of your financial needs right now or your emotional needs they can sometimes go hand in hand. I definately recommend a grief support group though it helped me a ton.

Love always

Derek

[carrieboo]

Its normal not to feel joy in anything...and 2 months hasn't been long...I'm still not enjoying everything I used to.

My best friend got married a couple weeks after my partners death, and though I can barely remember the details, I got myself out and went...and wept at the same time. My friend was very supportive and happy that I was even able to attend. I am sure your family understands that you are down...don't think of it as being a downer, its normal to feel that way, and dont' hold it back.

I have never found a support group, I lived in a small town, but sounds like it could be helpful...I know this group has been extremely helpful for me, and its only been a couple weeks since i found it. I'd say its worth a try, and if it doesn't help, you can always try something else...hang in there.

Hugs

[kayc]

At two months I was still in shock too. That time is a blur to me now.

I would give it a try, I certainly would have gone to one if there had been one available. I studied the materials to lead a group, so I did go through all of the grief support materials, which I still have, but the counselor was really pushing me and he wasn't very understanding, mainly because he hadn't been through it and hadn't a clue...plus he was an overbearing person so I had to quit just because I couldn't handle him on top of everything. I wish so much there was a group like THIS one, only in person, so we could give hugs! Good luck to you!

[leeann]

Cheryl

So very sorry to about the loss of your husband.

Yes in person grief support has been known to help many people. I would think it is certainly something to look into. And that is what I would do first, if there is a contact listed in the ad I would call them first before going.

My own experience with these 6 week type ones was a bit disappointing because I didn't call ahead & just showed up. Once there someone greeted me and when they asked how long ago I had lost someone... I told them a bit over 2 months ago and they said.. "Oh, no this program is for those who are at least 6 months away from their loss."

They "let" me stay that one night but I was discouraged form continuing. So perhaps to avoid any disappointments like I experienced, calling ahead would be wise.

leeann

[mlg]

Cheryl

I was a little over 2 mos. out when I started with my grief support group. It however is not one of the structred ones like you are speaking about. There were actually 5 of us that started that night. It is a group that has people as far as 2 yr.+ out but most of us are 6 - 12 mos out now. Between it and this site they have been my salvation. Since the majority of my "live" group are women we have even started going out socially the last couple of months. Three of us have become very close and are even planning a trip to Florida this winter. About 6 or 7 of us have done several other things together plus the entire group has started planning a monthly night out to eat at a restaurant. There have been a couple times that we got a little too big and some people quit coming for a while because of it so group size is something you may want to consider.

Some people didn't like it because they felt it made them more sad because so many people would cry at some point during the meeting that it brought them "down". I thought that was what it was for; so that I had support to get through it. In fact I am just shy of 8 mos out and had a breakdown at out last meeting.

I guess what I am saying it depends on the dynamics of the group and what you are wanting to get through it. Do you want support, consoling and socialization or do you want more "tools" on how to get through it. I think you kind of have to decide and look in to the group to see if you think it will meet your needs.

Good luck in your search and we are always here

[teny]

Chery I can feel your pain and do understand.It is almost 23 months for me and every morning I try to realise that that this horrible feeling is here with me .I tried many ways of therapy <if is any> went to counceling and once aweek folowed a group.The group started again the 1 sept and when they called me I felt I did not want to join.It was not a special grief group and I did not get the support that I hoped.Counceling is helping more.What helps me more is to be among family and friends.Some days I aske myself if I was first to die what will Yiany do.My son told me that in this case they wuold loose 2 parends cause he would not survive.Is it fare that Im still here and suffer like you do? Love from far away TENY

[MartyT]

Cheryl, dear ~ If you type the words "support group" into our site's search engine, you will be led to dozens of other posts on this very topic, which is a good indicator of how many differing opinions you will find. As others accurately point out, whether a support group would be helpful to you depends on many different factors, including your own needs and expectations, the purpose and composition of the group, and the skills of the group facilitator.

Robert Louis Stevenson once wrote,

A knowledge that another has felt as we have felt, and seen things not much otherwise than we have seen them, will continue to the end to be one of life’s choicest blessings.

It has been my experience as a grief counselor that effective grief work is not done alone, and whether we connect with others in person or online, I believe that support groups are invaluable. When we’ve lost a loved one, we need to connect with others who understand what grief is, who’ve suffered a similar loss, and who know what our sorrow feels like. At a time when it may be difficult for us to feel comfortable in the usual social settings, support groups give us a safe place to interact with others. Here we can express feelings without fear of being judged, and ask questions and get responses from others whose experiences may be similar to our own. These others listen willingly, and they share their stories of loss with us also. No one knows the pain of loss as well as someone else who is experiencing it, too. It’s also very reassuring to learn that what we are going through is normal.

Working our way through grief is some of the hardest work we will ever have to do, but realizing that we don’t have to do it all by ourselves can be life-affirming. One of the saddest realities about losing a loved one, whether that is a person or a cherished animal companion, is that friends and family members tend to be finished with our grief long before we are done with our own need to talk about it. That’s why it’s so important that we find understanding, non-judgmental listeners with whom we can openly acknowledge our reactions and experiences, express and work through our pain, and come to terms with what has happened to us.

Another benefit is that by sharing our loss and pain, we help one another. Eventually we find ourselves on the giving end of this compassion, reaching out through our own woundedness to the newly bereaved, helping them along, listening to them and offering them the hope that, just as we have survived our own losses, they will survive theirs also. Together, stumbling along the way and reaching out for help, pausing to offer comfort and walking on together, we can complete our journey. In the process, we learn to love and to be loved much more fully. It is one of the great lessons of loss.

I'd also like to draw your attention to the posts in this particular thread:

Group Therapy, Trying to Decide