My Best Friend

[liberty]

forgive me but this is my first post. I have been searching for a site where I could vent, cry and share. My sister passed away in april of this year at 48 of a hart attack. My brother of 53 had a major stroke a month ago and is still in the hospital. My father is in ICU as I write this post. I am really tired. I feel so alone. My mother is the strongest person I have ever met. I AM SO TIRED

[mlg]

I am so sorry for all that is going on in your life. That is enough stress for a whole town and you are doing it by yourself. Don't be so sure that your mom is as strong as you think. My girls thought that about me too but I was dying inside and still haven't recovered 8 1/2 mos later. Hang in there. Keep coming here to "vent". Sometimes just that can give you a breather. Stress tends to where us all out and makes us forget to take care of ourselves. I'm sure people have been telling you to eat and rest but that's easier said than done. Just make sure when you do eat it is healthy and rest while you can. You don't say if your brother is married or not but just support each other whether it is just you and your mom or another family too.

When I lost my dad I thought it was the worst thing in the world until I lost my husband and that was a gazzillion times worse and I cannot even imagine, and I hope I never have to, what it would be like to lose a child. I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like for you and your mom. Just know that the people here have lots of advice and ((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) to give so come back often

[MartyT]

Dear liberty, I'm so glad that Mary Linda has sent you all those virtual hugs, and let me add my voice to hers in welcoming you to this warm and caring place. I, too, am sorry for all the pain and suffering you're experiencing right now ~ but if "a site where I can vent, cry and share" is what you're seeking, I hope you'll take some comfort in knowing that you've certainly found it here.

[LarrysGirl]

I know you must feel overwhelmed with all that you have going on in your life. You need to try in some ways to take care of YOURSELF during this time. Please come here and vent your feelings, that will help you. There are alot of very caring people on this site, who also feel alot like you and will listen. I hope you can get some rest. Deborah

[kayc]

Liberty,

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. My sisters mean the world to me and I know how devastated I would be if I lost one of them.

Please feel free to vent, cry, yell, whatever you are feeling, we are here to listen and care. We've all suffered loss and know how hard it is.

[liberty]

Thank you for your kind workds. We found a beautiful web site where you can post pictures and light candles for your loved ones. This is the web site we did for my sister http://cindy-cassel.memory-of.com/about.aspx

If you like you can go and look at my sisters beautiful three girls and her grandbaby. I find it hard these days to go because I cry. My sister had twin girls that graduated from highschool two months after she passed. Her oldest daughter graduated from college a month after she passed. My brother started a family late in life and there is a picture of him and his beautiful baby girl anna on my sisters web site. I got a phone call from the hospital yesterday afternoon and they have to put a tube in my dads lung because they found blood during his cat scan. My mother can not drive so I take her back and forth to the hospital. I just want him to come home so I can see him sitting in him big man chair watching football. I miss my family

[Guest moparlicious]

Liberty,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and all your trouble times you are currently going through. I have a similiar situation as yours, so you know you are not alone. My husband died 08/20/07 and the age of 41 from cancer left behind a wife and 3 children, we were married 20 years and together 24, he was all I knew, now I am trying to find me. Shortly after his death my best friend died and the age or 42. The after her death my grandmother died. Now my sister in law is battling everyday to live with lymphoma and our 17 year old daughter is sick constantly and has many of the same symptoms of her father, she went for some testing and they found a inconclusive spot on her stomach. The people on here are family to me and the most wonderful people I have ever met in my life, I would not be here today without this site and people. I will never stop coming here and being with my family. I started a similiar link for my husband, I would like very much for you all to look at it as you can - www.caringbridge.org/visit/danpontzious this site has pics of dan and is dedicated to him, please excuse my pics I look so different from those,hard times. We all care and send you much love. Love, Kim

[leeann]

Oh Liberty Big (((((hug)))) for you now. That's an awful lot at once. No wonder you're tired! Anyone would be! You need perhaps to schedule your own breaks. When things pile up like this.. as they seem to do to nearly evryone at one time or another, I find I must scale back myself in other activities etc as much as is possible. I find I am much better calling for help from friends etc to manage kid logistics and other things. We are only one person... and there is only so much one body can do. These times are all about stress management for me. So if you can find ANY way to relieve your stress.. try it. Making time for myself to just breathe was imperative. If I couldn't get to the hospital to visit.. I would call instead.

And I tried to make the very most of my home time to relax. I let the dust bunnies go their own way and cut corners on loads of other things that don't seem as important at the moment.

So please find some time in a day for you to just go absolutely limp and relax, even if just for a few minutes. I also used relaxing music in the car while driving and at home when I was there. It just helped soothe me some.

Also sometimes I'd park as far away from the hospital as I could get and made the most of taking that slow calm walk to the building. It was good to see other people and lives going on... it reminded me that mine would go on in time too. And I had to force myself not to run and walk slowly. When things get wild I have a tendency to run and not walk through a day.. so I had to be careful to take my time. It's those people in our lives that need us strong and calm and there was no way for me to be there for them that way.. without me letting a lot of the mundane go and taking my time.

And you are grieving your dear sister while all of this is going on so give yourself some time to allow your feelings to be expressed. Nothing like a decent cry to make one feel a bit better. And also... have a chat with her now and then too. She would be just the one to help you in these times... so talk to her. She isn't that far away and her love will always be with you.

Go so carefully & gently with you and keep remembering this time will indeed pass. Come here and vent to us anytime hon.

leeann

[liberty]

Thank you so much Leeann

I really needed that today. My sister inlaw is telling me in so many words that we are giving up on my fater! My poor dad is so tired and so sick. He just wants to go home. He is 75 and cas COPD along with a long list of other things. A social worker came in today and mentioned hospice. It really hit us hard because we were really looking for him to get better. I know she is having a hard time dealing with my brothers stroke, but I dont think she has a right to but into the care that my mother and I decide is best for my dad. I dread the walk from the car to the hospital. I JUST DREAD IT. He never wants us to leave and he gives us grief because we were not there sooner. My mother is also 75 and this is really taking a toll on her. She cant drive so I am her taxi back and forth to the hospital. I am so tired, i just want my family back.

[leeann]

(((((Liberty))))))

I dreaded the dash to the hospital too. That's why I decided to park further away and take my time. But if you are taking your Mom in.. you would probably have to drop her off near the door and then you are worried because he wants you there probably ALL of the time. So it is completely understandable how you feel nothing but dread walking in there right now.

Yes your are probably right; your SIL is probably just as overwhelmed as you are feeling right now with taking care of your brother. And... she does have a different perspective and a different relationship with your Dad than either you or your poor Mom have.

But if they sent someone in to talk to you about options... that kind of confirms what she told you. Maybe she saw this coming and was gently trying to let you know so you wouldn't be so terribly stunned. And.. really?? There is no giving up with our family members. In my opinion, there is a change of focus perhaps of trying to get them well to trying to help them through the rest of their journey here. But changing that focus is a very difficult time of adjustment for all of you.

But it's really your Dad who will ultimately decide where he wants to be though if at all possible, isn't it? And as you have mentioned, he really wants to come home. (And that is probably why he is giving you & your Mom a hard time about being there earlier etc. He probably isn't really angry with you I bet.. He may just be angry about the whole mess he feels he is in and that's kinda normal.) And I guess.. who could blame him? The hospital doesn't seem very homey or comfortable and he probably would rest better at home as would your Mom and you!

If you don't know & are wondering where exactly your Dad is illness and care-wise... give his Doctor a call and straight out ask. That will help the three of you determine what's best. But Dad should take the lead on where he wants to be if at all possible. If coming home seems too much for your Mom... let the Dr and the Social Worker know this. And they may be able to come up with an in-patient hospice situation and be able to talk to your Dad about it. And those are very different from hospitals. Some are actually located within the same building as a hospital or attached to one... but in my experience.. as soon as you walk through the doors of that hospice unit.. things change BIG time. In my experience, it is quiet... there's no beeping noises or people being paged loudly on overhead speakers. And when you enter the rooms... they seem much more homey and warm than a hospital room. The staff is so very kind, gentle and attentive. We just needed to mere mention a request for something and they are there almost immediately with it. I know it isn't home.. but it is as close as one can get.

But discuss the options with your Mom and Dad. Maybe he can be at home with hospice for a bit and if that gets too much.. maybe he can transfer to an in-patient hospice later.

This is very hard news to take for all of you. There is no taking this any other way but hard. He's your Dad. He's your Mom's life partner. Especially since you have already suffered such a big loss this year and the severe illness of your brother, of course this will send you reeling some more. And I'm so very sorry this is all happening for you right now.

Yes I can also *so* identify with just wanting everything back the way it was. I have had that thought more times than I can mention. I know I can't have my old life back the way it was... with all of my loved ones here. But wishing for it is really just another way of us showing and feeling love for our families and friends who we miss so much.

Liberty he may indeed find he feels better at home and this doesn't mean he will be gone tomorrow, just that they are reaching near the end of what they can do for him medically. However there is still much they can do to make him more comfortable.

But like I said before... this is a tough adjustment for all of you to make.

And I'm sure you are feeling pretty burdened right now. So be extremely stingy with your time and energy when you aren't at Mom's or the hospital. And.. be patient with you. As with all of life's other major adjustments... this will take some time to process. And.. it hurts.

Keep us posted on how you are doing. ok?

leeann

[liberty]

Leeann

I just got back from my fathers funeral. I cant write much because my head is spinning. I went to the hospital to see him and all he wanted to do is come home. So I told the nurse to call the doctor and get him released. Told them we wanted hospice. they took care of everything. He died two days after he came home. I am broken

[leeann]

(((((((((((((((((Liberty)))))))))))))))))))))

Oh hon I'm so very sorry.

Yes.. you are broken.

But I'd like to think of us as clay... We put us on the wheel and start spinning and molding... and one quick move of a finger or two and the beautiful vessel is a wrecked & broken blob. But the cool thing about clay is.. it's soft.. like us. It can be re-formed to a ball and we can put it back on the wheel and make something else.

So yeah.. you are broken now.. but.. you're soft and you can be re-formed. And when you are ready you will begin molding yourself again and you will become something else... probably even more beautiful.

So, we will help you.. pick up your clay and help you get centered again.

I'm so glad you were able to get him home for even those two days and I'm so happy hospice was able to help you all so much.

Go ever so gently with you and truly... whatever you are feeling is ok. This is raw and it hurts. We are here and holding you so close in our thoughts.

Try to get some sleep when it comes and know you did a wonderful thing for Dad. You brought him home... so he could go home.

leeann

[liberty]

I want my sister here so bad. I am the youngest. She was the one to take care of everything. I miss her so much. My mother stood up at the funeral today and said she lost her best friend. I am so sad for her and for all of us. I just want to hug my sister so bad. We just bought a new old house (1920's) sister never got to see it. My dad did. He said we deserved it. . Its very small and nothing fancy. It was just us. Its so charming. It has a half an acre and a garden shed/green house. I am so glad my dad got to see it.

I luv him so much. Wish there was a hart pain be gone pill

[leeann]

I bet you miss her something awful.

Your home??? Yes, I'm glad your Dad saw it and you got to see him see it and I can understand how you wish your sis had too. My Dad never saw the house we are in now... and I remember feeling wistful about that too. And I remember thinking how unbelievable it was that he hadn't shared in this with us. I mean I understand that he knows about it and is around us ... but.. I never got to see him see it... ya know? So I can certainly get what you are saying.

Talk to her... I talk to my past loved ones all the time and it does help ease things a bit at times.

Your house sounds lovely. And maybe in the future, with all of that wonderful property, you would have room to plant a tree or something for each, both your Dad and Sis and maybe that would help you feel something physical that is in their honor when that is what we miss so much.

((((((Liberty))))))

leeann

[liberty]

I miss my family

This is my sister and me in my dads shorts that she was sewing.

Both of them are gone now

Edited October 19, 2008 by liberty

[Kat1]

thank you for thinking of me. Its been just a little over a year and I still keep waiting for her to come back. I have never had such pain in my life.

No one can prepare you for something like that. It changes your whole life. I miss her everyday