Got The Steadily Depressing Low Down Mind Messin’ Blues

[PattyAnn]

Hi all,

I need a good talking to...I'm so very, very depressed after 14 months of this grieving thing. I live in a small town and it feels like it's not "widow friendly". I'm struggling to keep up with the business, house, car, etc. by myself, and a kind word would mean a lot.

I was told that I'm not invited to dinner at people's houses because I'm vegetarian! What a lame excuse! I said, hey, just open a can of corn, I'll be happy. I just would enjoy being around some people.

The church that I attended for awhile has definitely excluded me. They are all couples and a widow doesn't fit in I guess. Recently, they all banded to help one of the ladies in the church who had surgery. I offered to help with anything I could do. I visited her several times in the hospital, but now that she is home, I have been excluded from the visitation list. They are all going to her home this weekend. I was not invited. That hurts so much, especially since I have made a sizable money donation to the church (didn't even get a decent thank you note from the church). No one from the church calls me on the weekends or holidays. I'm not invited to lunch or dinner.

Sometimes I think I must be a freak. My dear husband Walter would always tell me that I was the nicest person he had ever met and that he felt like he had won the lottery when I married him. Another friend who lives in another town said that she thought I was one of the nicest people she knows. So why,why, why am I left so alone??

I would move somewhere else, but just don't know where to move. But I am so down.

A woman who lost her son last January said that it's getting harder, not easier. That's how it's feeling for me. To deal with the grief is bad enough, but to deal with the rejections and loneliness makes thing so much harder. I'm 60...it feels like that's an awkward age...not young, but not old. Yet, I know I'm a nice, polite, clean, well mannered woman. No phone calls, no invitations.

Is it me? Am I just feeling sorry for myself? I really do feel rejected no matter how hard I try to be helpful and generous and kind. I just don't get it. Please offer some perspective. I really am struggling and it's getting harder and harder to get through the days (and nights).

Pat

Edited October 23, 2008 by PattyAnn

[Jan Thurman]

No, it is not you. The same thing has happened to me. I am only into 8 months but feel like it is getting much worse and not better. I know I have said this before but my own brother-in-law and his wife (my best bud) have been over once for 10 minutes in 8 months - have never asked me to dinner - have never asked me out to dinner. No one comes and sees me or calls. If it wasn't for my daughter that lives on the next property and for my work I would see no one and talk to no one. My husband's sister lives across the street from me and she never comes over. I went over to her house the other nite just for someone different to talk to. Seemed so glad to see me but then never comes over to me. I can't give you a reason but I can let you know that it is not you - many people on this website have told me the same thing has happened to them. I just hope this get's easier but I don't know. Take Care. Jan

[PattyAnn]

Jan,

Thank you for responding. I guess I know it's not me per se, but it's hard not to start thinking, 'maybe there is something wrong with me...people can't be that insensitive, can they?' Then I start thinking what's wrong with me, what am I doing wrong, what did I say wrong, do wrong....etc. So the cycle downwards continues.

I appreciate your support. I am starting to feel so isolated. Boy, do I miss my husband. It was soooo supportive and believed in me so much (as I did him). He knew me better than anyone (33 years)so I thought what he said about me was correct.

It's hard to understand why people who you thought would be supportive now seem to abandon you. You say it's happen to you, yet you clearly are a kind, caring person! So confusing why anyone would treat you that way.

Thanks again!

With Love,

Pat

P.S. - one lady I know when I told her I hung out at a grief forum actually said this to me..."oh, don't do that, only losers hang out at forums!" Wow, is she ever wrong. What an incredibly insensitive and unkind thing to say. The people on this forum are great and I have learned so much from you all!

[Jan Thurman]

I have asked the same questions. What did I do, what have I done. They were all going to be there for me when it happened but then poof they all disappear. Even though sometimes I don't know how I have got up to go to work I believe that it was the best thing for me. Do you work. I am 61 and we were married 40 years - like you a long time. Do you have any family in the area. It is weird that the one person that has not left me is my husband's ex-wife. We spoke the other nite for 2 hours. She emails me all the time to see how I'm doing and calls me. We have always been friends. Well not always (ha ha) I was the other woman (ha ha) I have known her since I was 12 and used to babysit for them (ha ha). Hope that gave you a little smile. My husband was 7 years older than me. Have you been to a support group. I will start my 3 session on November 5. They take a month off after every session and I have truly missed it. Jan

[PattyAnn]

Jan,

How funny about you being friends with the former wife! Hee hee! But good for the two of you! If you are helping one another than I think that's just great!

I have a job, but I work out of my home, so I'm here all day and that's probably not good, but I do get a lot done...sometimes I even worked in my nightgown and robe! Good thing we don't have a video telephone!

Well, at least we both can find humor in our situations! That helps.

Pat

[MartyT]

Patty Ann and Jan, you might find this thread helpful: Lonely and Depressed

[LarrysGirl]

Patty Ann, unfortunately its the "norm" is seems for us that have lost the one we love. I'm at almost three yrs. and still stunned by so called friends response and also family. I kept asking myself why and have never found a reason I could understand. My "best" friend whom I known over thirty years lives so close I could throw a rock and hit her house. She's been here once since he died and that was the day of his service to drop off food. I see her coming and going with other neighbors to the store and working in her yard. I've done my part in speaking, saying hello, its just not going to happen and it hurts. Sorry you are having to go thru this, its so thoughtless and hard to accept when you are grieving, the worst possible time for people to dissapear. Deborah

[PattyAnn]

Patty Ann and Jan, you might find this thread helpful: Lonely and Depressed

Marty,

Thanks for the links. I enjoyed reading them. Yes, I agreed we have to put ourselves out there to find support. However, I feel like I really have. I spent this last year taking people out to lunch/dinner. Dropping flowers off for someone's anniversary, making donations, calling people, listening to THEIR STORIES (i.e....my dog died a year ago of cancer, my grandmother died 10 years ago). I have been a patient listener, even though I ached to be listened to, even though I may have had a lump in my throat at the time.

I know this sounds like I'm playing the victim and I really don't mean to, but I am shocked at the lack of compassion and insensitivity. I won't give up, I'll keep marching, I'll find my way, I will have a happy life, but the journey would have been so much lighter had there been a better support system in place for me.

Again, thank you for your thoughts.

Pat

[KathyG]

PattyAnn, I choked up when I read about how your Walter thought he had won the lottery when he found you, because my Bill used to tell me almost the same thing. He'd say, "I'm so blessed to have you. Finding you turned my whole life around." And he did the same for me.

Like you and Jan, I've heard people tell me I'm a good person, yet hardly anyone calls or visits. I've done so much soul searching, trying to figure out if I've been deliberately pushing people away or if I did anything to upset them. I don't think either thing is true; I would welcome more contact.

I've been told people avoid being around mourners because it makes them feel uncomfortable and they don't like being reminded that, yes, someday they'll have to face their own death or the death of someone close to them. For awhile I believed that, but as time goes on and I still find myself being excluded, my loneliness grows and I'm no longer willing to accept that as a valid excuse.

I wonder: friends and acquaintances disappear when a woman becomes a widow. But what happens when a widow enters a new relationship or remarries? Do her newer friends, the people who have only known her as a widow, drift away because she's now part of a couple? Does a change in someone's marital or relationship status (whether they go from single to married or vice versa) always make friends and acquaintances disappear?

People's desire to spend time with someone should NOT depend on that person's being single, married, or widowed. Wouldn't it make more sense to base it on whether the person is kind, considerate and loyal; whether you and he or she have things in common; and whether you genuinely enjoy his or her company?

[mlg]

You are certainly not alone. I had "given up" most of my friends for Tom because they didn't smoke and he felt uncomfortable going out to have a smoke so we basically hung out with his family (he was the oldest of 12). I had told him before he died that I didn't want him to be sad because once he was gone the "bond" to them would be gone. He could see it coming too and was so sad. They will still ask me to Sun. breakfast and to a spaghetti supper at our local KC once a month (they know I'll be there anyway), but no phone calls, very few emails. Right now I am working on a benefit in Tom's memory and asked if they could help and only 2 volunteered. The others want to "enjoy" the wine tasting. MY God!!!!!!!! This was their brother who they supposedly loved so much and the proceeds go towards finding a test to detect the pancreatic cancer he died from and they could too. Is it too much to ask for 1 or 2 hours? People I've known less than a year are helping but not them.

I have a friend who lost her husband 2 mos after Tom and I have stopped by, called, emailed with very little response. I know she has a lot more on her plate because she's having to decide whether to keep their farm or not but I'd be glad to listen, but she doesn't call.

Basically my closest friends are the ones I have from my grief support and several of us have started going out socially. We can cry or get tearful and not be judged. Their is one woman we do get aggravated at because she always asks our permission to be sad. We told her she doesn't need anybody's permission. She lost her mom and she has a right to be sad.

I'm sorry your church isn't supportive either, especially since you have been for other members. That is one thing I am going to try to get started in our church because as far as I know, other than fixing the funeral meal there is no support.

What part of the country do you live in? I had found that Jan and I had several things in common and it would be nice to visit but we live half a country apart, but maybe someday we'll meet.

I've rambled long enough but hope you will find some happiness soon.

[leeann]

I know I haven't lost my spouse but I just wanted to lend you all some ((((Hugs)))

This is so hard on you all. I'm so sorry you are feeling alone and isolated.

To some degree I have found the same... too much bad stuff happens (deaths, severe illnesses, crises.. etc) in your life and people stay away. And this is sometimes very shocking. Like I think certain folks would have been more supportive or would have reached out... but.. they don't. Like they think it is contagious or something. I don't understand it either.

I try to keep busy and I do volunteer here and there and being out at those times does help. But it isn't the same.. clearly. I've lost some friends because of it. I feel funny reaching out to them all the time.. like I'm some bother.. and they never reach out to me. So I have just stopped reaching out to them.

I figure that some people are just meant to walk besides us at certain times on our journeys and then.. they go off on their own paths and we remain alone. But then... new people may come into our lives to walk besides us or we find someone else to walk besides. It's just the interim that's tough.

But at least here, we do have each other.

leeann

[kath]

Dear Patty Ann,

I'm pretty new here, but my husband has been dead for almost 17 months now. I think you are doing the right thing by volunteering. It helps, even temporarily, to reach out to others even when we are in pain. It changes the focus. I've done that, too, in my small town. I very rarely get an invitation out, but I've hosted some study groups in my home just to have some adult contact.

I'm also home all day, looking for work, but there is plenty to do here. I think it is harder working at home, you don't get the distraction of everyone else's issues to toss around. I tend to get more wrapped up in my own problems when I'm by myself.

I asked a friend why people don't want to talk about Bob. Do they think I should be "over him" or am I just a drag to be with? She thought the issue is more about them than about me. Nobody wants to say the wrong thing or be taken wrong and make things worse. (Could a friend make anything worse than it is already? I doubt it.) She, herself analyzes everything she says to people and feels bad if what she says comes out wrong or is misunderstood. I educated her a little, I think, on how it's nice just to have people around to listen and relate. I don't expect anyone to try and "fix" things.

I'm sorry about your church's response to widows. Most of the "new people" I've met have come through my parish. Granted, I'm 49 and most of the ladies I see regularly are between 70 and 90. But I'm starting to believe that it isn't us that are scaring friends and family away. It is their own reactions that have very little to do with us and what has happened. It's been said before and I think we've all seen it, but life does go on for everyone else it seems and we are stuck wondering if or how ours can.

Sometimes, too, I wonder if I seem "okay" enough on the outside that people assume I am. I got so weary wearing my emotions on the outside for so long, that I work at not appearing so vulnerable. But, not inviting you because you are a vegetarian??? Come on! That is pretty lame!

[kayc]

Patty Ann,

I had the same experience. I am getting judged now for having remarried (okay, I know it was a bad decision, but NOONE from the church was there for me, friends disappeared, I try to get the church to understand how this happened and all I get told is I need to "get right with God" which equates with divorce my husband and be there in church every time the doors are open and do their bidding and then things will "go right for me". Well I was doing everything right when George died, so there goes that philosophy! I figure since I DID get married, I need to do everything I can to make it work, and being as I only see my husband on the weekend, I make him my priority at that time, and I go to church in the evenings when he is gone. I find it interesting that people who have ditched me are the first ones to judge me.

I am sorry this is your experience. I was always told to have friends you must be a friend. I am the kind of a friend I would die for! But that hasn't worked. I am there for others, I try to be understanding and helpful, but here I am, without friends for the most part. I do not get invited either. Remarrying certainly didn't help, it only made things worse.

Perhaps volunteering in the community rather than the church will help you find new people who may respond differently. I know people are uncomfortable with widows, like it's contagious somehow, but when we put on a cheerful face and try, you'd think they could meet us partway! The whole thing's been a learning experience. Everyone has not encountered this, but for those of us who have, it's been hard. Try to find a neighbor to walk with you, volunteer at the school (reading to children?), find ANOTHER church to try, get involved in your local community...city council, theater, food bank, etc. ANY way that gets you involved with people. Forget the donations...save that for when you encounter a deserving group or cause. My hugs to you!

KayC

In response to KathyG,

Yes people change towards us when our marital status changes, when we marry, divorce, or are widowed. It shouldn't be, but it is. I have one friend who is widowed and even she is "different" to me than I would have expected. When her husband was alive, I always came by THEIR house because he was disabled and she wanted to be home with him. Now that he is deceased, I am still expected to come by HER house, and she never comes by mine. Why is that? It doesn't matter if I clean the house, cook something wonderful, I still can't get her to come by. Why are things so one sided? Also, she enjoys entertaining. She tells me it bothers me that another friend doesn't come by and see her any more, yet she can't seem to understand that she has done that with me! She'll have dinner guests over and over and yet I am never included...and she is my best friend! Go figure. I've about given up on people. I love my dogs!

[Rosemary T]

PattyAnn,

I'll tell you what bothers me more than anything is the fact that I just can't seem to muster up enough energy to even CARE if anyone wants to see me or not. I also have noticed that no one contacts me but unlike you I do not go to a church or other organization that can "slight me". The one place that Lou and I frequented was the bowling alley where he worked for almost 50 years (yes, he WORKED there that long!). He was 18 when he started there and almost 68 when he died and he loved that place. Well it was "that place" that (in my opinion) caused his death so I won't even drive by let alone go in now that he is gone.

Will I ever be like you and crave more human companionship? I mean I do get lonely sometimes and wish for friendship and socialization but it fades quickly and I go back to not giving a crap real fast!

You are doing well by craving the normal part of being human. You will find people who love you and appreciate you for who you are. I can tell just reading your post that this will happen because of your sweet and caring spirit. Have you thought about looking for a new church home where you can make "new" friends? I asked because sometimes people think things like tragedy will "rub off" if they get too close and that is why they avoid the person who reminds them of their own immortality and lack of control over their life. People hate to be reminded of the shortness and fragile nature of the human condition; avoiding those that have "lost" someone helps then act like an ostrich (pretend it isn't happening by not dealing with it).

Best wishes to you!

Rosemary

[MartyT]

Kath, you said two things I really like. For one thing, you acknowledged that “Sometimes, too, I wonder if I seem "okay" enough on the outside that people assume I am. I got so weary wearing my emotions on the outside for so long, that I work at not appearing so vulnerable.” I think this is the classic double bind that many of us find ourselves in: We work very hard at keeping ourselves together on the outside so we don’t feel so exposed and vulnerable, so “the world” won’t know that we’re really falling apart on the inside, so our friends and family won’t think we’re as crazy as we sometimes fear that we are – and then we feel sad or bad (or mad) when others don’t see through the very signals we work so hard to convey, and erroneously conclude that we’re feeling stronger or doing better than we really are. I think it’s important to recognize that sometimes we don’t get the understanding and support we need simply because, intentionally or not, we’ve misled others into thinking we don’t need it.

I also like the fact that when you wanted to know from your friend “why people don’t want to talk about Bob,” you straight-out asked her that question! And when you heard her answer, you went on to “educate her a little” on what you really wanted and needed from her. Good for you! See, for example, Bob Baugher’s excellent article, I Don’t Care How Long It’s Been — Can We Talk About My Loved One?

[PattyAnn]

Thank you one and all. It really helps to hear your different stories and perspectives. I think perhaps some people really are insensitive, but also when we are in grief we are so much more vulnerable to people's comments and actions (or lack thereof). I know I am very thin skinned now. Any other time I might be able to just let their remarks or actions roll off me more easily.

I have a tendency to just stay home and live in my little bubble. It takes too much energy to get out there like I should. Sometimes my bubble is so much safer.

Thanks again to all of you for responding to me. It definitely helped to uplift me today and get me out of my 'poor me' mood.

With Love,

Pat

[kayc]

Pattyann,

I'm glad it helped to get it off your chest. Definitely I do better some days than others. With the amount of stress in my life, I'm amazed I'm holding up as well as I am, I guess that's the surprising thing about all we've been through, finding out we truly are survivors!

I haven't heard that Cat Stevens song, but I like him, maybe I've heard it and don't recognize it...

Hope your day goes well! Any time you get lonely, come on line here, most times one of us is here!

Love,

KayC

[PattyAnn]

Kay,

Yes, I'm surprised at myself too. But it does seem like I can be o.k. then step in to a hole (depression) without seeing it coming. Watching the news certainly has been bringing me down a lot. We're all being affected by the economy and to be alone and wondering what's ahead financially is certainly scary.

The Cat Stevens song--well, I was sorta paraphrasing a little bit. The actually title to the song I think is the "Car Wash Blues". There's a line in the song that goes: "Got the steadily depressing low down mind messin’ working at the car wash blues."

Pat