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Fight Or Flight?


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Friends, I hit a brick wall today. I woke up at 12:30 a.m. - couldn't go back to sleep. My mind was in total turmoil. I tossed and turned until it was time to get up at 3:45, and I felt a panic attack coming on like I haven't experienced. I don't know what triggered it - but I had to force myself to go in to the shop (I own a bagel shop/deli) and MAKE THE BAGELS. For the first time, I took a quarter of a Xanaax - I have never done that before, but I thought I was going to lose it. My waking/sleeping dreams were disjointed, sorrowful - awful - the reality of Joe never coming back is so here now, 4 months into it. Good Lord, how do we get through this?? I need some comfort! Marsha

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Marsha,

Oh, if only I had the words for you. I want so badly to bring you comfort. Please know that you will get through this. You do it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. In the moments that you are in such deep grief it feels like you can't manage the pain, but you can and you will.

This forum has been so helpful to each of us. When one of us is down the others jump in and bring words of encourage and comfort. I'm at 14 months since my husband's death and I can truly say that the sharp edges of grief are smoothing out somewhat. I still have my moments and that's when I come back to this forum for help.

Sometimes I just read what others are saying. It helps to know I'm not crazy and that the emotions of grief are similar among all of us.

Please hang in there. We all will hold your hand and help you through this, just like we have with each other. We really do care about your pain!

With Love,

Pat

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Hi Marsha,

The first few months after Lou died I did not get very much sleep at all. In fact during the first week he died I slept a total of 8 hours in 7 days! I was a walking zombie. I was also all alone in the house and people who saw me would try to encourage me to go to the doctor. I was getting lost while driving and putting the phone in the Fridge.

I refused to seek any medical help and it is a wonder that I did not wreck the car or have some kind of a total breakdown and end up in the hospital or worse!

I would not recommend my way to anyone. But without anyone here to "force" me to do the right thing I was pretty much on my own to "handle it". I did a lot of praying and reading I can tell you. My cats were the only ones who knew how "crazy" I really was!

I am only into my 10 month now so I am probably not the best person to tell you what to expect. Especially since everyone is so different. All I know is everyone here does know the pain and can relate. Keeping checking in here. It is a great place to vent and get feedback from those who really understand.

Hang in there!

Rosemary

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Marsha, I am so sorry you have to go through this. Though I can´t know exactly what you are experiencing I can tell you that the shock of my wife´s death wore off at about five months as well. Who would believe that we had been protected from the full realization of what has happened for that much time. Suddenly, it is all too real and I felt like the horrible nightmare I had been living wasn´t going to end. There probably aren´t any words that will make any of this any easier. At least you have all of us to talk with and vent to and say anything you feel you need to. My only advice is that you try to face this as best you can. I tried everything to avoid this phase of grief and only succeeded in dragging it out for months. This is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Don´t try to do it by yourself. Keep talking and asking questions and we will be here to hold your hand and offer a hug anytime you think you want or need one. Just try to take very good care of yourself. Don´t push yourself, you will get through it. (((Hugs))) and prayers.

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Marsha, I am well accustomed to panic attacks...and insomnia. I never used to have a problem sleeping. My girlfriend sent me some Melatonin for my birthday and it seems to help some but not always, and of course if I wake up too close to my 5:00 wake up, I don't want to take something to make me sleepy when I have to get up and do a long commute.

I am on Buspar for anxiety and take it twice a day, plus if I feel an attack coming on, I take another one. Anything you can do to destress your life would be good, I walk twice a day. Just be really understanding of yourself and kind to yourself, you're going through a lot, try not to expect too much of yourself too soon.

Fred is right, I have also heard that the 5-7 month time period is hard because it's when the shock wears off and reality sets in. My girlfriend is feeling that, she was puzzled why it feels harder now instead of easier.

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Marsha, I was just sharing with another member the other day about anxiety attacks. I still have them and I will be a three yrs. on the 16th of this month. I don't like medicine and will only take it when I just can't stand it anymore. I'm proud of you for going on to work, it takes courage when you are feeling that way. The early part is grief is very very hard and you will experience those moments where it takes you down. Try to reduce any added stress, rest, rest, because your sleep isn't what it used to be. This all takes alot of time to calm down. So do your best to take care of yourself, don't be like me, and run yourself totally into the ground. Deborah

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Hi, Marsha.

It's good to hear from you again. At 4 months I was well on my way to getting fired from my job. I'd go to bed at 1:30 and wake every hour until 5:30. I was exhausted, impatient, worried and I couldn't focus. Because of my job and kids, counseling and grief groups weren't an option for me, though I tried.

I became obsessed with the fact that no one would ever know my story/our story. I met Bob when I was 21 and we had our children when I was 37 and 38. He died 10 years later. So, I started to write. I wrote about his illness and how fast it progressed. I wrote about my life and how we met. I wrote about my fears and shattered dreams. I wrote what I missed and what I loved the most about being Bob's wife. I cried terribly through all the words. (I'm surprised my keyboard didn't short out.) I go back often and look at it. It is in pieces as my thoughts were no where near cohesive (and still aren't.) But it's there. If my kids need to know about their dad, it's there. If I die, it's there for them. Bob was my whole life for most of my life. He knew everything about me. I'm just glad our story didn't die with him.

Kath

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Marsha

I don't have any answers for you but I wanted to you to know that heard you and that I am praying for you as I pray for all of us on this journey together. I've been having some really hard days again at 10+ months and I pour my heart out to God and ask Him to help me. Eventually the pain and tears subside. I don't have any other answer and I don't expect I'm going to get one in this life. I assume we just have to keeping working thru the pain.

Sherry

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Kath,

You mentioned not being able to focus, that is very much a part of grief. I couldn't focus for the longest time and still have difficulty reading anything lengthy, and I was ALWAYS an avid reader! It will get better, but it takes time, and I know I was sick of hearing that, I wanted answers NOW! :angry:

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Thank you all so much - today is better. But I know from your posts that ups and downs are part of the path. It's good to know you're here when the downs come. A note to Kath - I'm into 43 pages in my journal already - and I've only read it back one time. Cohesive? No - I go from anger to love to every emotion in between. Good thing I can type 100 words a minute, because that's how fast it comes out! Sherry, Deb, Rosemary, Pat, Fred, KayC - sharing your journey with me, being at different points in our lives - it awes me that going through the pain you're in, you can still respond with compassion. I know a young (29 year old) widow that won't talk to anyone. I'm so glad I can talk here. Peace, my friends, Marsha

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