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I Miss Mom And Dad So Much I Cant Breathe At Times

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We lost my Dad on January 22, 1996. We knew he had advanced heart disease, but I knew of so many people who lived for years and years after this diagnosis that I just knew my Dad would be one of them. I went down for an impromptu visit on Sunday afternoon, and during the night he passed away in his sleep. Only those of us who have lost their Dad can understand the emptiness in your life when he is gone.

My parents had been together for 43 years, and Mom of course felt lost without him. We all tried to make sure she knew how much we loved her. My parents were the best parents I could imagine a person having. I thought my Mom would surely be here for many more years. She and Dad were only 59 when we lost Dad. Mom had health problems, but I never really thought or accepted those problems could really take her away from me anytime soon.

Then, on October 18, 2002 after not feeling well for a couple of days and seeming to have a cold of some sort, my sister called me to ask if I would ride with them to go to Mom's doctor. Mom had spent a couple of days at my sisters after and MRI that wasnt done, but seemed to me to have a strange reaction to Xanax that was prescribed. I will always wonder if they didnt give her too much, or if it reacted crazily to the other meds she was taking.

My sister and Mom arrived at Moms house, where my family was living with Mom at the time, Mom came in sat at the table and in a few minutes we went to get into the car. Mom wanted to sit in the back seat, but then said she just couldnt breathe back there. So, I helped her into the front seat, and dug into her purse for her inhaler. She used the inhaler, and then suddenly was gone.

My sister, who was sitting in the drivers seat, asked should she dial 911, because at first it seemed as though Mom had just suddenly fallen asleep. She called, and I attempted CPR as my sister ran down the driveway to catch the ambulance drivers attention as we were a few miles outside of town.

My 14 year old daughter was sitting in the back seat when I flipped Mom's seat back to try to lie her down, and she had to see the whole thing while I tried and tried to bring Mom back to us. I had not had CPR training in a few years, and still today wonder if I had remembered better, if I had done things differently, would my Mom be with us now? I cant get rid of that doubt.

Mom and Dad were the best friends I had, outside of my husband. I was just coming to grips with losing my Dad, and that had taken over 6 years, and now it has been right at 2 years, and still when I go to bed, all I can think of is my Mom. I think of every little thing I may have said that probably hurt her feelings, every little thing I may have done wrong when I was doing CPR.

I feel that if I cant talk to her in the next minute, I will die myself. Of course, the next minutes comes and goes, but the feeling doesnt leave. Our favorite times of the year, Thanksgiving and Christmas, feel empty now, as does the rest of the year. Nothing means anything any more without Mom to share it with.

I know I am letting my own family down no matter how much I try not to, because I never feel truly feel happen anymore. I have such a wonderful husband, but I want my Mom and Dad. I especially want my Mom so badly that it feels like a knife is sticking in my stomach most of the time. I try to do as she told me one time, about thinking about things that upset me, and say to myself, "I'll think about this later". But, it doesnt work. All I ever think about, is my Mom's voice, and the way it would sound if we were talking and the night we sat laughing all night bidding on ebay.........Sometimes I think I will die myself from the pain, even though I know so many people have lost parents, spouses or children, etc. in much worse ways. I try to remind myself that she and Dad are together now, but I still want her/them here with me.

I know that its been long enough, and I should be past this pain, but it just wont go away. Nothing feels the same, and it seems as if nothing matters anymore. Not really.

Mom always said as long as she was alive, I would always be somebody's little girl. Now that she's gone, I can truly understand what she meant. No

one can give me that same hug, or say how much they love me like she did.

No one will ever care in the same way that my Mom did. And, no one can ever have the same laugh and sense of humor that my Mom and Dad did.

I'm sorry this is so long. I just have ended up with no one to talk to about all of this. I've tried counseling. My brothers and sisters have been a huge letdown, as the older brother and sister right aways set about to turn all of us against one another, and siblings I thought I was close to are now no longer even in my life. I cant even "talk" to the two who I'm able to speak to, because the older two have created such turmoil that no one feels they can trust each other, and no one seems to care enough to just ask what is true and what isnt. I thought that I was close to my siblings, and yet everyone seemed so happy to believe what wasnt true, that we've ended up with nothing as far as siblings. I cant believe how the people I grew up loving have turned into strangers right when we all needed one another the most. So, not only have we lost our parents, we've lost our whole family.

Thank you for a place to put my thoughts. I just wish I could tell them one more time how much I love them and just spend more time with them. They were so amazing and so much fun, and left us too soon. I cant believe there will ever come a time when this sharp pain will go away, but I pray that it does. Because its so hard to get out of bed every day feeling like this.

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I am so sorry for your terrible loss. I understand how you feel. My dad died in march 95 ( a week before my 19 birthday) for a sudden heart attack, My mum died december 03 from breast cancer. My dad was 41 my mum was 45. The pain is so hard sometimes i feel i can't go on. Please know that there are others who know how you feel. Thinking of you. Charley x biggrin.gif

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I feel the same way you feel, believe me. Losing my Mom and Dad within 5 years of each other has been horrible to say the least. I lost my Mom just 4 weeks ago on September 6th, due to complications with lung cancer. My Dad left us on April 29, 1999 @ 7:42 PM. I know, I was there when he died.

Like many siblings, my family is no exception when it comes to problems. Other than my wife, I really have no one to turn to. My oldest brother is "all business" and rarely shows any emotion whatsoever. My next brother is suffering from a degenerative muscle wasting disease and barely can walk or talk. My next brother is totally out of the loop with the family, thanks to his wife's instigative tendencies (and I'll leave it at that). My final brother, who I trust and respect, lives clear across the country and I really cannot burden him with my sadness as he has a life and plenty of kids. God love him.

When my Dad died 5 years ago, it took me nearly 3 years to show some signs of "living" again. But, nothing prepared me for what I have now with my Mom dying. I'm totally lost without my Mom. Cigarettes were the main contributing factor of my parent's deaths. There was no reason for my parents to die in their early to mid 70's. If only they knew what their deaths would do to us as a family.

Ironically, the brother who disrespected and tormented my Mom for the last three years was the last person to see her alive. He refused to call or see her for over 3 years. Just played mind games with her. He finally went to see her while she lay there dying. Within 24 hours of his first visit, the night before, he returned to the hospital and she was gone within a couple of hours. I adored my Mom and tried to do everything within my power to make sure she was comfortable and happy.

I know that this is a bad thing to say, but I wonder why God did not take that brother instead of my Mom or Dad. The only consolation I have is that he now has to live with himself, considering the way he treated my Mom while she was alive. I will never forgive him for what he did. Any forgiveness will mad.gif have to come from a "higher source".


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I'm sorry about your Mom. As much as I feel in my heart it was only yesterday,

I know it was so much worse only 4 weeks after losing my Mom than it is now.

I cannot understand why family members would rather be hateful than stick together and honor the life their parents gave them. When we lost Mom, it seems as if the purpose for everything left my life. I dont understand why I feel that way, when I have a husband and children who I love very much, but I do. Its as if the reason for being is gone, and I feel like I'm letting everyone down because I feel this way, and cant shake it.

Everything each of you said is so true. It feels truly impossible to go on at times. Its as if I've lost my parents AND my siblings. I see one of my sisters and keep in contact with her, but it will never be the same as before all of the lies that were told after my Mom passed away. I just cannot believe they would dishonor our parents this way, or treat someone who loved them the way they have. But, that is the way it is, and thank God for my husband and my children.

I dont know what I would have done if I had lost my parents at 19, and my heart goes out to you. I find myself scared alot of days, wondering when something is going to happen to my husband. I know this is silly, but its a fear I cant seem to get rid of. Its as if I now that I know my parents can die, I know that we arent far behind. As young as mom and dad were, I know we arent that much younger than they were.

Thank you again for your encouraging words. It means so much to know that there are people out there who understand how I feel and who care. I will be thinking of each of you as well. -T

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