Holiday Plans

[Rosemary T]

Just thought I would post a bit about my Holiday plans. I am not sure how many of you are dreading these next few months as much as I am. Lou died in January so this will be the first Thanksgiving and Christmas I spend without him.

Some of you might remember that I once posted that I was totally alone (except for my two cats)for the first 7 months after Lou died. I am not sure if this was good or bad. In July my parents who had been living in Saudi Arabia with my neice came to stay with me. Not sure how long they will stay but for Christmas they are going to Ohio for two and a half weeks to take care of some business before returning. I have no plans to go there and have no plans to do anything over the Christmas Holidays. Even though my work place (I work for public schools) shuts down for the Holidays, I have the opportunity to work some if I wish (I might do that) and the rest of the time I will just "shut myself in" and take care of things around the house.

Thanksgiving was always a HUGE holiday around my house before Lou died. We always celebrated on the Friday after Thanksgiving and I loved to cook and invite all of the people closest to Lou over. He absolutely loved that day and was so proud of my cooking and having his friends over to enjoy.

Even though my parents will be here I have made no plans to cook or invite anyone over for Thanksgiving. My parents have never made a big deal of Thanksgiving so they aren't pushing it either. I plan on it being just "another day".

This is what feels right to me (doing NOTHING) but I am wondering if it only feels "right" now and I will regret it later.

Thoughts?

Rosemary

[Gail_R]

Rosemary..I know how you feel..my husband Bruce died Jan 20,2007 this will be my second for everything without him..being canadian we had our thankgiving last month..i have to say this year it was easier...but the first i did not cook anything christmas was the worst because i found out that i was going to be a grandma for the first time and Bruce was not here to hear the wonderful news...and then a few months later our daughter tells me that you are having their first baby too...so i have to say that 2008 has had alot of wonderful this happen to us 2 new grandsons but still it hurts that Bruce is not here to see these beautiful little babys...this christmas i think that it will still be hard but im hoping not as bad as last year....gail

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

As the holidays loom, you may find it helpful to read some of the articles I've listed on this page of my Grief Healing Web site: Articles on Coping with the Holidays.

See also:

When There Is No Jingle in the Bells

Helen's Christmas Gift

Ashes and Embers: Meeting the Challenges of the Holiday Season

This I Believe

Light a Candle, Hang a Stocking

Permission to Mourn This Holiday Season

[KathyG]

Rosemary, you're smart in planning to do what feels right to you for the holidays. It can be comforting to try to keep up some of the old traditions you shared before your loss, but setting those traditions aside and just celebrating in whatever way you feel you can can be even better. And the old traditions don't have to be put aside forever. You can bring them back in the future if you want to and as you feel able to. Later on, bringing back some of the old ways might rekindle some happy memories for you. If not, you can start brand new traditions.

Last year, my husband died the day before Thanksgiving. Then and last Christmas, I was mostly too numb to have any holiday spirit. I had dinner with my sister-in-law and her family both days, and my sister came in from out of town to spend some time with me, and it was good to have them around; better than spending those days alone, crying.

My husband and I always decorated a big Christmas tree and the rest of the house, and we'd drive around the neighborhoods to see people's holiday lighting displays and sing carols and I'd cook and bake dozens of special foods. Last year, I didn't feel up to any of that, but wanted to do something mostly for my sister's benefit. So I put up a little three-foot tree, baked my sister's favorite cookies for her and cooked my special lasagna for her because she loves it. It felt strange not doing all the usual holiday activities but at the time, it was a lot less stressful than it would have been trying to go on with "normal" celebrations as though nothing had happened.

This year I'll spend Thanksgiving with friends, and my sister is coming to visit again. I don't know yet if things will be easier, or I'll feel like doing any decorating or making any special foods, but I've decided to play it by ear. Somewhere in all that, I plan to find a way to honor my husband's memory.

[leeann]

Holidays are hard.. period.

But I thought I'd share how my hub's secy lost her husband on the day after Christmas.. wow.. 13 years ago now. So the association of Christmas with his death seemed inevitable.

The first Christmas after his death she decided to take herself on a cruise to some place warm. And for about 5 years that became her own tradition. She would catch up with her family on New Years or later in January instead.

And not surprising.. she had met a few gals in the same position and became fast friends with them over the years.

So.. if a cruise is your thing.. might be an idea.

But we are all different and what works for one may not for another. But the bottom line is.. I would jusy do what feels right to you. And I would think the less stress the better.

leeann

[marsha]

rosemary - today is 4 months for me. i'm trying not to think about the holidays too much; I find anticipating sometimes makes me crazier than I already am. Thanksgiving for us was usually just the two of us - we would cook the turkey, then Joe would drive me crazy by picking at the damn thing while it was cooling! If my niece comes down from PA, we'll cook together. If not, I'm still going to cook. Why? I love turkey, and I still need to eat! I'm going to be off, too, for the month of January, and I have plans to paint my kitchen and bathroom. Not saying I'm going to do it, mind you, but at least I have plans. Rosemary, so many things are triggers, and so many unavoidable. I say just do exactly what YOU want to, as little or much as it is. I just hope I can follow my own advice! Keep posting, Marsha

[Jan Thurman]

Today is 8 months for me and on Saturday it will be his birthday. I had a really big melt down last nite. But I got my journal and wrote him a letter. Afterwards I felt better. Then today I went on to myfamily where the Thurman family has a web page. His birthday came up so I clicked on it and saw that alot of the family had gone on to wish him a happy birthday. I started crying again but because when he was alive he never got a call to wish him a happy birthday from any of his nieces and nephews who were on the webpage wishing him a happy birthday. On Saturday (his birthday) my daughter said let's go out for the day to the movies and to the mall with my grandson so that will help. Also my husband always cooked for Thanksgiving. He loved to do it. We don't want to cook so my daughter has planned a trip away for us and we will go out for Thanksgiving Dinner. Jan

[JeanneC]

Alex and I always spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with his cousin and her married children. His cousin is sick and bed ridden, so I don't think the family is going to do much. I have other family members, but I don't usually spend the holidats with them. Alex's family lives far. His sisters are in New Mexico and Texas. A friend of mine has decided to go to Atlantic City and asked if I would join her. I haven't decided, but it doesn't sound too bad. It would be a good distraction for me. For Christmas I will be heading to Florida to visit a childhood friend, her husband and my godchild. She does not want me to be alone during Christmas. It will be tough, of course for everyone. Alex and I always bought each other a lot of inexpensive gifts and one big gift. We would open one gift on Christmas Eve and the rest we would open Christmas night. We picked Christmas night because after Christmas eve and the day, there was always a let down. So we left ourselves something special to do. I would open one gift and then he would open on and so on and so on. It makes me cry now just thinking about it. I hope I get through these holidays.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

The holidays are so hard for all of us. My Dad died on New Years day..was hospitilized over Christmas..13 years ago, & I've not put up a tree since, nor decorated. My husband & I always cooked tgether on Thanksgiving, & this will be the 2nd I've spent with out him. Last year I went to my brothers house & had a great time.

Maybe I can make someone laugh with a Thanksgiving story. A man I dated 15 years ago always cooked for his elderly mother & her husband...so one year we decided to take off to the Grand Canyon for Thanksgiving, & eat at an Indian Ruin in Flagstaff. (My friend died 3 years ago from brain cancer) He did Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, dressing, & I baked pies & rolls..we left plenty for our families & headed up to El Tovar Lodge at the Grand Canyon. We hauled in crockpots, & warming dishes under the apalled eye of the concierge. The next morning my friend plugs in his hair dryer ( he had long hair..& was very vain about it) & blows the circuit breaker. He puts up the hood of his jacket, we walk out to a snowstorm...reload the crockpots & head to Flagstaff. We found Walnut Canyon..& unloaded those crockpots again..in a drizzling rain on a picnic table...we were the only people there. We sat & ate our cold food really fast, & laughed & laughed, & decided it was too cold to explore the ruins. Sometimes its good to break with tradition..I'll never forget that Thanksgiving!

[JeanneC]

Vickie

That is good that you had such a nice time and to forget about you worries and be happy. I know all of us need some kind of distraction during the holidays and to not be sad, even though it is hard.

For me it just does not seem to register that my husband is gone. He loved Christmas and loved to decorate. I took everything for granted and never in my wildest dreams did I think that this would happen to me. We had so many plans, not just for the holidays, but for the rest of our lives. Lately I have been very sad and the realization that he is gone is just too much for me. I hope I did not depress anyone, but it is just a very hard time right now.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[mlg]

My situation is so different from everyone else's. Tom hated Thanksgiving beccause he didn't like any of the "traditional" food, but we were always with a lot of his family. This year they've decided not to get together because seveal of them had other things to do.

He also hated all the deoorating and shopping for Christmas. He was a real Scrooge. I love it and loved to go over board just to aggravate him. Now I can't get excited about it, which you would think I would because he isn't here to grumble. I think that is part of it. I think a small part of my loving it was aggravating him, just to tease him because we teased each other a lot.

Just sitting here typing it feels like someone just shot a cannonball through my chest and the eyes are filling with tears. I can't imagine what it is going to be like once the days get here.

[kayc]

My husband died on Father's Day, 2005. I skipped 4th of July celebrations, Labor Day (which had always been big in my family, camping), lived through my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day, and by the time it got close to Easter, I major rebelled. I said, "I'm not doing another 'holiday without'" and my son said, "You don't need to! We can call it Christmas again or skip it altogether!" How I appreciated his understanding! So I skipped Easter (which had always had a lot of significance for me) and pretended it was a day like any other...didn't go to church, no family dinner, nothing. The NEXT week I had my kids up for dinner but we didn't mention Easter. Somehow that is what I needed to survive. The next year I was better with holidays but of course, we never can celebrate one without thinking of the one we miss, and how special it used to be with them. I say, do whatever you have to do to survive it, and it will be different for all of us. There is no right or wrong way to go through this!

[Rosemary T]

Mary Linda,

Funny you should mention your hubby disliking the holidays. My hubby loved Thanksgiving but he did not like Christmas. His mother died on Christmas Day when he was 4 years old. His father wasn't around so he ended up going to live with cousins. It was very hard for him.

In any case Mary Linda, I am with you! These holidays are going to be very painful. If you were near me in Sunny Florida I would come sit and cry with you.

Rosemary

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Thanksgiving last year I could not have faced if it had not been in a totally different place. My husband & I always cooked together at the cabin for his Dad. My brother had it up North, we ate picnic style outside & I really enjoyed myself. We had lots of kids nieces & nephews & my mind was off the past. The Only thing Traditional about it was the Eldest Sister..Me..always washes the dishes & my next sister Always Dries them..& we laugh & get silly in the kitchen.

Christmas was another story..I couldn't face going to Mom's house..where we always went..& seeing Pat's empty chair. I still was cleaning out our cabin, too..& hadn't gotten to Pat's shop. I loaded our dogs & truck & took off. Got the shop cleaned out..finally..that was the hardest thing..all his well used tools..Pat was a woodshop Teacher..& could build anything. Went to candlelight service on Christmas Eve, & our beloved cabin closed escrow on New Years Eve.

This Cristmas I feel strong enough to face that empty chair, & send some Christmas Cards & if I don't...I guess thats OK, too.

Vickie

[MikeC]

Count me among the folks who dread the next couple of months. This will be the first time in 29 years I will spend Thanksgiving and Christmas without Janet. I am absolutely heartsick about it because these were such joyful holidays for us and now that is lost.

I have plans for Thanksgiving. My sons and I will drive to Janet's brother's house in Pennsylvania and have Thanksgiving dinner with his family. He lives in a rural area on property that once belonged to Janet's uncle and near where her mother was born and raised. On the Saturday following Thanksgiving we will have a memorial celebration for her on his property. Janet was the quintessential Girl Scout and loved camping and sitting around the fire, so we plan to have a bonfire and let people speak and then throw some of her ashes in the fire. This was an idea I presented to her about a month before she died and she was really excited about it. I thought back then that I would have had ample time by now to recover from her passing and be ready to do this. With the event now just 3 weeks away I am getting a little worried about my ability to get through it.

As luck would have it, Christmas Day will be the 6 month anniversary of Janet's death. My only plan at this time is to just try to survive it.

Mike

[kath]

Dear Rosemary,

Thanksgiving was a holiday where Bob insisted on having our own tradition. So, I always cooked a big dinner, dragged out our finest china and invited family. If they couldn't come, it would be us alone together with way too much food. Last year, my first without Bob, his daughter invited us to her house. She had never invited us over for a meal when her dad was alive and I found that to be sad. He would have loved it and would have happily broken tradition. It was not a happy day by any means, but because it was a new surrounding, we made it through okay. I missed Bob, always will. He made every conversation interesting.

Christmas just brings back so much. We had 27 Christmases together and although he liked to think of himself as scrooge, he was far from it. One year, I was laid up with back pain and he came running in the apartment with a tree and all new decorations. He was so sweet. It kind of blew his "bah humbug" image. I don't look forward to the holidays anymore. I just try to get through them with the least amount of sorrow.

[kayc]

Christmas came for me six months and six days after George died too, that first year, and I think you are wise to listen to your inner self about what you can and can't handle. There is no law that says you have to send Christmas cards or shop or decorate! If there are small children in your family, maybe do something for them but if not, don't worry about it. We can send out valentines to family and friends instead of Christmas cards and they can be short and sweet and not have to go into our lives or explanations of things we aren't up to talking about. I didn't send out cards that first year...I had already started making my Christmas Cards before George died because they're hand made and take a lot of time, I made a "fish card" with a baubble from a fishing line that said Merry Christmas on it and bubbles coming up and water...George loved to fish, and I'd planned on entering it in a contest...but as fate would have it, the dog got into the ones I'd already made and "ate" them, to me I took it as an omen to just lay it to rest and not do any that year. I doubt anyone noticed. I did receive less cards the following year but I figure, hey, that weeded them out, right?!

If it brings us comfort to do something different on our holidays than we have before, then that's something to consider. If it brings us comfort to continue the same things we did in the past, then that's what we should do...there isn't a right or wrong way to handle Christmas and other holidays, there's only OUR way!

My heart goes out to all of you, especially those who are new with this.