Unimaginable Pain!

[sunstreet]

I have been up all night, surfing the net at all the different greif and loss sites. I lost my 5 year old beloved cat "Street" on September 26, 2003, the anniversary of his death has ignited yet even more pain and it feels like I am finding out for the first time. Street was a Manx/Tabby mix and he represented freedom to me. It was such a shock to me when he died, he was only 5, I saw no signs of illness, it was so sudden. Then on February 9, 2004, I had to have my beloved cat "Sunshine" euthanized, she was almost 19. Now I am dealing with my Father's death nearing as he is now in end stage of Alzheimer's. I feel like I am in a river with a strong turbulent current being thrown about just bearly at the surface long enough to gasp for more air. I forgot to say my dear beloved Sunshine was a maine coon. I read some of the posts here and I finally feel I am at a place where people will understand the enormity of my pain.

I am so sorry for everyone's losses and absolute pain. Thank you for taking time to read my post.

Carol

[mamacat]

I am so sorry for your losses. To have a cat like Street die so young! and then your other cat who was with you for so long and now contemplating the loss of your father. Your losses are great but it seems so is your love. Take care of yourself and remember there are people who understand your feelings and are sending you strength to get through these trying times.

[sunstreet]

Mamacat,

Thank you for your kind words of support and understanding. It helps and touches me more than you know. I again want to express how sorry I am for your loss and your pain. I guess the best we can do is know that we loved our precisous soul's as best we could and go on from there. Take good care.

Sunstreet

[MY DARLING MINKY- GIRL]

Hi SUNSTREET,

CAROLE here in the uk Liverpool ......WE ARE BOTH GOING THROUGH ENORMOUS GRIEF RIGHT NOW, as MY DARLING MINKY, AND TEDDY (my precious kittie-pals ) have died within a week of each other...... Monday.6th September 2004 poor TEDDY died of kidney failure,

and the following Monday morning 13 th !!!!! of September 2004, my young sleek elegant young

(2+ 1/2 yrs ) loving darling MINKY , was run over, in the street , over my back garden fence. I found her body 10 days later ( on 23rd of September ), laid, hidden, in the long grass near where she was run over . I am in total GRIEF, and have been searching all over, hoping that WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN....so I know how you are feeling too....more than I can bear....I don't think I will get over losing my best pal MINKY -GIRL , who I presumed , would be so special in my life for at least 12 more wonderful years.....hope you are coping better than I am. as it is like someTOTALLY unimagineable NIGHTMARE !!!!! FOREVER, NOW ...TAKE CARE... from someone in the same pain. EVERYTHING IS TOO LATE NOW FOR MY DEAREST LOVING FUNNY MINKY....SO UNFAIR AND A HORRENDOUS LOSS, FOREVER .

and all the dates are hellish too, of when I found her, etc etc .I know how you feel, Minky was like a baby to me, always on my lap, bed, and sucking on the waist of my jumpers. one minute she was so gorgeous and vibrantly well, and in mid stride, she was in the wrong place at the wrong time,

[sunstreet]

Dear Carole in the UK,

Thank you for your post. I am so sorry for the sea of grief that you have been thrown into as a result of the loss of your precious cat soul's. One thing I have found very helpful is that I write to both my beloved cat's each and every night, to tell them about my day, sometimes I write alot, sometimes just a few words. It helps me to still feel connected to them. I know for sure that they both would want me to go on and enjoy life. In honour and memory of them I am trying to do that. I find the death of my Street, particularly difficult as he was just such a mush pot, snuggling into me whenever I sat, always a warm body next to me. Street loved the water and I still have not been able to have a bath since he died, I just shower now.

Carole, I understand your pain, I know it feels like it will never ever end, but I think we all must just trust the process and that time will ease the pain. I think of my pain as waves lapping upon the shore and all waves eventually loose momentum and disappear. Hang in there, remember your beloved Minky abd Teddy, remember everything, mark their passing somehow, for me it was to write a poem for each my babies. Take good care.

Sunstreet

[MY DARLING MINKY- GIRL]

Dear Sunstreet,

thank you for your very kind message,

It is one of the most horrendous shocks,in my life !!!!!! losing my beautifully, loving and funny soothing black, MINKY, who was the most wonderful darling girl, to me....... BUT I will never forgive myself, and will miss her FOREVER........... made even worse, with my huge regrets , and guilt, BECAUSE ..

. last November 18th 2003, *** in our UK winter .................

EVERYTHING WAS TOTALLY DISRUPTED FOR MY POOR MINKY **** , BEFORE ALL THIS .... MINKY , would ALWAYS be on my lap, so soothing, and that was where she loved to be at all times, so supple realaxed and MINKY SO Loved sucking on my jumpers, she was like a big baby, and she treated me like I was her Mummy, then every night, in my bed, or playing so comically, with my other little girl SUZI, who was so timid, and MINKY helped her confidence, and sometimes I would have them both asleep on my lap ( one thigh each ) DELIGHTFULLY snuggled, side by side, and I stroked them for hours and hours every day and night.....I loved every moment, as they did !!!

I had them locked in the house, for ALMOST 10 MONTHS, since I got my, MINKY , inside, AFTER SHE STOOD UP, PUT HER PAWS GENTLY AROUND MY THIGH, AND SNUGGLED HER FACE , SO ADORABLY AGAINST MY MY RIGHT THIGH, ( I HAD BEEN I PRUNING A BUSH IN THE GARDEN, WHEN SHE POPPED OUT OF THE BUSH, AND CAME TO ME AND MY LATE DOGGIE, TRUDIE, on October 8th 2002, SHE WAS SO ADORABLE,

AND FROM THAT DAY ,

SHE WON MY HEART, COMPLETELY !!!!( I presume she was about 7 months old ) SHE WAS SO VERY BEAUTIFUL, ELEGANT, SOOTHING LOVING AND SWEET AND COMICAL, SHE WAS EVERYTHING ***** , ALL IN ONE SLEEK BLACK ,EXTRA LOVING KITTY, AND SPECIAL AND STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL .IN EVERY WAY.

SO for almost 10 MONTHS,, they were both locked, INSIDE THE HOUSE WITH ME, SO HAPPILY , till I managed to get them both spayed , on June 17th 2003....I then allowed them both out, at 10pm, on JULY 2nd 2003, for the first time. in the summer time... life was so special for us....

.BUT on** 2nd September 2003 **, I discovered a homeless kitty, (BLONDEY-GINGER, WITH A LITTLE ONE AND A HALF , INCH TAIL ) who I had been putting food out for , arrived with his left cheek gashed open , luckily got him to the vet... and his left fang was broken, and his whole cheek, was swollen and eye shut.... he had surgery on 4th September and was so poorly but he trusted me to nurse his cheek, and found out her was so loving and sweet..I named him TEDDY, AND I kept him in the sunroom, with douvets and other warm stuff....and my other kitties, then had to stop using the sunroom, and had to use my front door, and partially open , side gate to the garden.

BUT THE HUGE CHANGE HAPPENED 2 and a half months later, when TEDDY, HAD STARTED LICKING HIS FOOD IN THE SUNROOM, turns out he was an older cat with serious kidney failure, so because I knew his life was going to be short, and felt guilty for keeping him in the sunroom, alone most of the time.

SO ON a cold, NOV 18TH 2003.......I SWAPPED THEM ALL AROUND !!!!!!!! AS SOON AS I GOT HOME FROM THE VETS WITH MY TEDDY,,,,TO MAKE HIS REMAINING LIFE SPECIAL !!!! ANY MY LOVE FOR TEDDY TOOK OVER, AND I DREADED LOSING HIM, AS HE WAS SO ADORABLE AND SPECIAL TO ME ....

SO ............

WITHOUT ANY WARNING TO MY MINKY, SHE WAS OUT, WITH NO SPECIAL LOVING EVER AGAIN...EVEN THOUGH SHE WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE READY TO SEE ME, EVERY DAY AFTER THIS SHOCKING CHANGE TO HER LIFE

(I NEVER THOUGHT, IT WOULD BE FOR SO LONG , AS 10 MONTHS )

During these ten months, I had my Aunty die, on the 6th jan, then I went daily to care for a friends, DYING mum, for ALL... of APRIL, BETWEEN 3PM AND 10PM, then 2 separate neighbours called, for urgent vet trips, emergency vets for both female dogs, then the next night , after both having emergengy cesearians, and collecting the surviving puppies, the same night, two were savaged, so I got another knock at 1 am,,,, then, one of the same neigbours called as her old german shepherd, had to be put to sleep, and all so sad,,, and another one, I took regularly to have her boxer, Kate get treatment,, the list goes on and on and on , so my whole year was full of doing for everyone else, while I cared for Teddy, and was feeding 11 kitties in total daily , here, and felt like I was in a pin ball machine FULL OF CHAOS from the start of this year,,,TOO MANY THINGS TO MENTION !! I WAS IN A TOTAL SPIN, TRIYNG TO JUGGLE, AND COPE WITH SO MANY THINGS !!!! I FELT, SO GRATEFUL TO MINKY , FOR NOT ADDING ANY PRESSURE ON ME , during all this .

WHEN I SHOULD HAVE BEEN*** LOVING MINKY ****, AND AND RELAXING WITH HER, AND THE OTHERS, BUT I DIDN'T..... ON TOP OF MY OWN UPSETS AND MANY OTHER WORRIES . I WAS RUN RAGGED DOING LOADS OF THINGS, FOR OTHERS , AND WORRYING ABOUT EVERYTHING, WHEN I SHOULD HAVE

,AND HOW I WISH********* I WAS LOVING MINKY EVERY DAY, AND MAKING HER LIFE SPECIAL TOO

SO I WRONGLY MADE MY DARLING , MINKY , AND THE OTHER KITTIES HAVE TO MAKE DO WITH THE FRONT PORCH AND SUNROOM....LOCKED OUT OF THE HOUSE, AND EVERTHING WE HAD BEEN USED TO TOGETHER.....and the love between me and TEDDY , with the undivided attention, I gave him,,,, was so special. while I made douvet beds, for all the others, in the sunroom, and fed them daily........ but then, 2004 arrived, and this whole year was FILLED with other HUGE WORIES AND UPSETS, in my life, ontop of caring for TEDDY, who was so special....I WAS ON TOTAL EMOTIONAL, AND PHYSICAL OVERLOAD........AND RUN RAGGED, AS I SEEM TO BE THE LOCAL TAXI SERVICE , FOR MANY OF MY NEIGHBOURS, EVERY TIME I TURNED AROUND, SOMEONE WAS, KNOCKING , DAY AND NIGHT ,FOR ME TO RUN THEM HERE AND THERE !!!!! I NEVER GOT TO REALAX AND THINK STRAIGHT, AND CONSIDER, MINKY'S NEEDS, AND WHAT I SHOULD BE REALLY DOING, IN MY OWN LIFE, AND MY PETS

...I WAS RUN RAGGED IN EVERY WAY..and I WASN'T SPENDING , ANY TIME WITH MY OTHER KITTIES AND ..

.*** MY MINKY-GIRL*** ,

who would have missed me the *** MOST**** , DUE TO ALL THE SPECIAL ************* ALWAYS SO LOVING TOGETHER - BOND******, WE HAD HAD , BEFORE ALL THIS DISRUPTION....... THEN ....AS TEDDY'S HEALTH WORSENED ,

... ( originally in November 2003 , I wasn't sure if he would live long, into the new year,,,, but with all the love, he did !!! till sadly MY ADORABLE TEDDY, DIED ON MONDAY MORNING ON 6TH SEPTEMBER 2004

.

.....AND POOR MINKY WAS RUN OVER THE FOLLOWING MONDAY MORNING ON 13TH SPETEMBER, after going 10 LONG MONTHS, WITHOUT EVER BEING ON MY LAP, SUCKLING, SLEEPING, BEING STROKED, AND IN MY BED, OR IN THE HOUSE WITH ME FOR 10 LONG MONTHS, WITH ONLY HER FOOD, AND A BED IN THE PORCH, OR SUNROOM, AND NO SNUGGLES ALL THAT TIME, JUST A PASSING STROKE, NOW AND THEN !!!!!!!! AND TOTALLY DEPRIVED OF ALL THE VERY SPECIAL LOVE , WE SO ENJOYED FOR OUR FIRST 12 MONTHS, AND DURING THIS AWFULLY BORING, AND VERY LONELY TIME , SHE WAS ALWAYS LOOKING IN THE GLASS DOORS, OF THE FRONT DOOR, AND SUN ROOM DOOR , which joins my kitchen,,,DEPRIVED OF BEING IN WITH ME, AND LOVED THE WAY WE HAD FOR THE PREVIOUS 12 MONTHS, BEFORE ALL THIS DISRUPTION HAPPENED LAST NOVEMBER!!!!

I JUST DIDN'T THINK ABOUT HER FEELINGS, ENOUGH, DURING THE 10 STRESSFUL MONTHS, AND WHAT WE HAD BOTH BEEN SO ENJOYING, SO MY REGRETS ARE ENORMOUS, AS I NEVER GOT TO HOLD HER IN MY ARMS FOR 10 MONTHS, AND HAVE HER INSIDE TO SHOW HER I STILL LOVED HER, AND TO ENJOY EVERYTHING ABOUT HER, MINKY WAS MY BABY GIRL , AND SO VERY SOOTHING....SHE NEVER STRESSED ME IN ANY WAY, SHE WAS PURE JOY, AND DELIGHT!!!!!

I wrongly presumed with her being young ( 2 and a half )... WE WOULD HAVE MANY YEARS AHEAD, TO BE LOVING EACH OTHER ....

....BUT A WEEK, TO THE DAY .... AFTER TEDDY DIED, MINKY WAS SO **CUTE , AND WARMED MY HEART, A SHE UNEXPECTEDLY JUMPED DOWN, OVER MY SIDE WALL, ON TOP OF MY GREY WHEELIE BIN, AND SHE REMAINED ON TOP OF THE BIN, AS I TILTED IT JUST ENOUGH, SO SHE WOULDN'T SLIDE OFF, PAST THE CAR AND TO THE EDGE OF MY CUL DE SAC PAVEMENT,*** SHE HAD NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE *********

......I SHOULD HAVE GOT HER INSIDE WITH ME RIGHT THEN,!!!!!!!!!,,, BUT I WAS THINKING ABOUT ***THIS VERY TIME LAST WEEK, POOR TEDDY TOOK HIS LAST BREATH ETC ***,

AND MAYBE WITHIN AN HOUR OR SO LATER,

*** POOR MINKY, WHO WAS ALWAYS IN SIGHT, WANDERED, OVER MY BACK FENCE, AND KILLED !!!!!!!! IN DAYLIGHT, ON A QUIET ROAD, AND IN MID STRIDE SHE WAS KILLED ON THE ROAD. NEVER KNOWING THOSE TEN LONG, BORING , LONELY ,LOVELESS, MONTHS WERE OVER !!!!

...AND NOW EVERYTHING IS TOO LATE FOR MY BEST LITTLE GIRL, TO BE IN HERE NOW, OR FOR THE LONG LIFE OF ME MAKING THINGS UP TO HER.,,,,it is like a TOTAL NIGHTMARE..

... AND I NEVER GOT TO SIT AND BE WITH HER FOR THOSE 10 LONG MONTHS,..... AND SEE THE JOY ON HER FACE EVER AGAIN NOW !!!!!

IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD MADE ME CONSIDER HER FEELINGS , WHEN I REPEATEDLY SAID*** I FELT SO BAD FOR THE OTHERS BEING LOCKED OUT..... AND IF ONLY***** I HAD BROUGHT HER IN, EVEN THEN , BEFORE THIS TRAGEDY HAPPENED, WHEN I HADD THE CHANCE TO ALTER THE COUSRE OF HISTORY !!!! ... AND SHUT THE DOORS AND LOVED HER, AND TOLD HER THE 10 MONTHS WERE OVER, THAT MORNING SHE WAS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME, ALLOWING ME TO WHEEL HER ON TOP OF MY BIN, I HAD THE CHANCE RIGHT THEN, TO BRING HER IN AND FUSS AND LOVE HER, AND CHANGE THIS AWFUL CHAIN OF EVENTS,

....AND SHE WOULD BE HERE RIGHT NOW,,,SO LOVING AND MAKING ME LAUGH AT HER FUNNY ANTICS ETC, AND LOVING EACH OTHER AND GETTING OVER THOSE 10 ROTTEN MONTHS, STROKING HER FOR HOURS ......

,******,I am in pieces , LIKE NEVER BEFORE IN MY LIFE **** , and WILL NEVER GET OVER NOT HAVING THE JOY OF MY MOST LOVING , SPECIAL MINKY , WITH ME. AND FOR NOT SHOWING HER HOW MUCH I LOVED HER, DURING THOSE 10 MONTHS ,**** AND FOR HER TO BE RUN OVER,**** RIGHT AT THE POINT OUR LIVES WERE TO BE FILLED WITH HAPPINESS AGAIN.***** AND SHE WAS MY MOST LOVING SPECIAL SOOTHING, COMFORT TO ME , AND MY BEST LOVING SPECIAL FRIEND ( MY MINKY WAS MY YOUNGEST !!!!!DARLING BEAUTY TOO )

IT IS SO UNFAIR, AND LIKE A TOTAL NIGHTMARE FOREVER NOW..... I SHOULD HAVE DONE EVERYTHING SO DIFFERENTLY, AS SHE WAS NOT AGRESSIVE, AND I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF A WAY TO HAVE HER INSIDE ALSO, OR AT LEAST GONE OUT, TO MAKE A FUSS OF HER, EVERY DAY, THROUGH THOSE 10 MONTHS BUT WITH ALL THE STRESSES, I MADE ALL THE WRONG DECISIONS...BUT BEING ON OVERLOAD , I JUST DIDN'T DO THINGS THAT I SHOULD HAVE,

AND NOW SHE WAS TO BE SUCH A SOOTHING SPECIAL JOY , BUT I LEFT IT TOO LATE, AND EVERY MINUTE WITHOUT HER IS SHEER HELL !!!!! AND I HAVE ONLY GOT MY MEMORIES OF HAVING HER IN MY LAP, BED, AND STROKING HER 10 MONTHS BEFORE HER MOST UNEXPECTED DEATH ....

.WE BOTH SHOULD BE TOGETHER, NOW, LOVING EVERY SINGLE MOMENT, AS IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ........ LOVING EACH OTHER , AND LAUGHING AT HER COMICAL WAYS, AND SEEING SUZI, AND MINKY, AGAIN , PLAYING INSIDE THEIR HOME, AND BEING LOVED AND STROKED, ON MY LAP FOR HOURS DAY, AND NIGHT, AND SNUGGLED IN MY BED.....

.MINKY WAS MY SOUL-MATE, AND SO DEVINE, AND I WILL NEVER KNOW HOW I MADE HER GO WITHOUT SO MUCH, FOR SO LONG, AND THEN FOR THIS TO HAPPEN, BEFORE I HAD THE CHANCE TO MAKE IT UP TO HER, AND RELISH HER, IN MY ARMS AND LIFE.

WE HAVE BOTH MISSED OUT ON AT LEAST 12 MORE YEARS OF VERY SPECIAL LOVE, WE SHOULD HAVE SHARED.

BEST WISHES TO YOU SUNSTREET, AND OTHERS WHO WRITE ON HERE.......... LOVE FROM unbearably, HEARTBROKEN CAROLE IN LIVERPOOL. XXXXX

MY LIFE IS SO UNBEARABLE WITHOUT MY MINKY, WHICH WILL FOREVER BE A NIGHTMARE TO ME . SHE WAS LIKE MY BABY, AND I WAS LIKE HER MOTHER,,, I WILL MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT MY VERY SPECIAL MINKY FOREVER XXXXX ( 9-37 AM HERE IN LIVERPOOL RIGHT NOW )....

.... BYE FOR NOW ALL OF YOU, TAKE CARE,

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

AND LOVE YOUR LITTLE ONES, THE MINUTE YOU FINNISH READING THIS, PLEASE!!!! DO IT RIGHT NOW !!!!. PROMISE ME YOU WILL,

****DON'T LEAVE IT ALL TOO LATE , AND TOO LONG******** LIKE I DID TO MY MOST PRECIOUS MINKY !!!!!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

. I LONG TO HAVE HER IN MY ARMS AND LIFE , AND SEE HER LOVING FACE, AND WAYS, AND STROKE,AND KISS HER, AND FEEL !!!!! HER BEAUTIFULLY SOFT, BLACK FUR, SAFE AND LOVED, LIKE IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALL ALONG.

XXXXX EVERY MINUTE I DEPRIVED HER OF THE SPECIAL LOVING, AND JUST DIDN'T REMIND HER HOW MUCH I TRUELY LOVED HER, AND NOW EVERY MINUTE I CAN'T !!!!!!!

I HAD TONS OF TIME, DURING THOSE 10 MONTHS, BUT IN THE MIDST OF ALL THE STRESS, I DIDN'T, AND NOW WE SHOULD BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER AGAIN , AS I PRESUMED SHE WOULD BE HERE, BEING SO LOVED, SHE ISN'T, AND NEVER GOT TO FEEL AND ENJOY ALL THE LOVE.... AFTER HER LONG 10 MONTHS OF DEPRIVATION. I KNOW I WILL NEVER GET OVER HER TRAGIC, UNEXPECTED DEATH, AND EVERY MINUTE WITHOUT HER IS HELL!!!!! LIFE HERE IS NOT AS IT SHOULD BE , EVER AGAIN,,,

MINKY NEVER WANDERED, UNTIL THAT AWFUL DAY,,, AND SHE WAS GOING TO BE SO VERY LOVED, AND A JOY IN MY LIFE, AFTER WRONGLY DEPRIVING HER OF EVERTHING ... ALL THAT TIME.

.IF

ONLY DURING THOSE 10 MONTHS, SOMEONE WITH CLEARER THOUGHT , HAD SAID, TO ME ******************* **********************************************************************************************IT IS SO IMPORTANT ***********************************

****MAKE A FUSS OF YOUR DARLING MINKY, AND THE OTHERS

** EVERY DAY**IT IS SO IMPORTANT , ** BECAUSE IF ANYTHING !!!!! EVER HAPPENED TO MINKY, YOU WILL NEVER,EVER FORGIVE YOURSELF,********AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT COULD HAPPEN !!!!!!!!!!

****I WOULD HAVE DONE THINGS SO DIFFERENTLY....

AND EVEN WHEN TEDDY DIED, IN MY LASTWEEK, WHEN , I HAD CHANCE TO BE WITH MINKY AGAIN

IF ONLY , SOMEONE HAD SAID TO ME ***

***************************************************************

**** GO RIGHT NOW, AND GET MINKY INSIDE WITH YOU , AND CLOSE THE DOORS, AND GET HER ON YOU LAP ***AND *** REMIND YOURSELF OF EVERYTHING SPECIAL ABOUT HER, AND ENJOY ALL HER LOVING WAYS....... GO AND GET HER RIGHT NOW, GO ON GET MINKY NOW >>>

GO RIGHT NOW , AND GET HER ... WHILE I WAIT,,,,, AND SPOIL HER NOW, AND EVERY DAY , AS SHE HAS GONE WITHOUT HER LOVING ,COZY ,HOMELIFE , WITH YOU , FOR SO LONG, AND SHE SO SHE DESERVES HER LOVING HOME AND LIFE WITH YOU , RIGHT NOW , AND YOU WILL BOTH , LOVE BEING TOGETHER , !!!!!...****

HOW I WISH THESE THINGS HAD HAPPENED, AS MINKY WAS A HUGE LOVE AND COMFORTING SWEET FUNNY PAL , TO ME AND I RUINED EVERYTHING !!!!!AND ********************************

.THEN SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN SAFE INSIDE AND NOT BEING RUN OVER, STILL FEELING LONELY AND DEPRIVED OF ALL THE SPECIAL LOVE WE HAD BEEN USED TO TOGETHER........ BUT I LEFT IT TOO LATE FOR ME AND MINKY AND SHE NEVER GOT TO KNOW THE 10 MONTHS WERE AT LAST OVER !!!! HOW I WISH SO MANY THINGS NOW !!!! FOR US TO BE TOGETHER , FEELING HER , AND HER LUXURIOUS SOFT BLACK FUR BODY, ON MY LAP , ETC

MINKY WAS MY VERY BEST FRIEND AND I LET HER DOWN SO VERY BADLY, AND..... NOTHING IS THE SAME WITHOUT HER, . I COULD COPE IF IT HAD BEEN ANY OTHER CAT, BUT NOT MY MOST LOVING GORGEIOUS CUTEY-BEST PAL **** MINKY WAS MY EVERYTHING -GIRL. AND SHE HAS DIED AT 2 AND A HALF YEARS OLD.... IT IS LIKE A BAD NIGHTMARE,,,,

IT IS JUST UNBEARABLE AND LIKE A BIZARRE NIGHTMARE FOREVER ,EVERY MINUTE I DIDN'T SHOW HER I LOVED HER,

AND NOW, EVERY MINUTE WITHOUT MINKY, AFTER A HELLISH 10 MONTHS, WILL BE HELL FOREVER NOW... EVERY INCH A MEMORY OF HER, IN OUR GOOD TIMES AND THE 10 WAITING FOR ME, AND I PASSED HER BY SO MANY TIMES. SHE WAS MY MOST SPECIAL GIRL, IN MY WHOLE LIFE XXXX

I WILL NEVER GET OVER ALL THIS , IT FEELS SO UNREAL, BUT IT IS TRUE AND NOT ,HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO TURN OUT, BOTH OF US , NOW, ROBBED OF OUR SPECIAL LOVE,AND HAPPINESS FOREVER NOW !!!

AND I CAN'T TURN THE CLOCK BACK... TO GET OUR LIVES BACK, HOW IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN...

SO GO RIGHT NOW ,

AND LOVE YOUR LITTLE ONES,,,, RIGHT NOW .......DON'T DELAY, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, AND TAKE CARE ALL OF YOU XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX ALL THE MINUTES, DAYS HOURS, I DID'T SHOW MINKY THE LOVE SHE DESRERVED AND WE BOTH NEEDED, WILL DISTRESS ME FOREVER

[Grieving]

Unimaginable pain...too true. Last night I took my cat, Kitty Scissorpaws, in for euthanization.

She was some undeterminable age.. I had her for nearly 15 years, got her at the SPCA when I turned 39, because I didn't want to enter midlife all alone. I thought she was a large kitten at the time, but it turned out she was already an adult, because she needed to be spayed just a few weeks later.. she never weighed more than six pounds her whole life.

I had owned cats before, but had never been in a longterm relationship with any before (or any mammal, human or non-human) in which I knowingly and willingly took on responsibility for Life, including its inevitable end, Death. Single and childless by choice. Practiced non-attachment rather successfully up to then. Other cats had been passed on to good homes, in the wake of a rather unsettled, roaming lifestyle.

Her name arrived after she'd been with me a few months, after we'd already tried out a couple other names. I had several slightly built, ikea type shelving units. No matter what sort of fancy scratch posts I bought and presented, she preferred to turn these wooden uprights to sawdust. Everyday. Until they looked like they'd been chewed by beavers.

I allowed this to go on for a long time, but we moved 8 years ago to a new place, and I got new furniture, and although I warned her not to scratch the new stuff, she couldn't help herself; I took her in to have her front toenails removed. By then she was an indoor cat only. It was a grueling event for her, and she didn't forgive me for many months, but eventually she carried on as if nothing had ever happened.

Too late did I learn that if a scratch post is provided to a kitty when they are born, and allowed to move with them, they will forever be bonded to that original post and never scratch anything else.

It was quite a ride with Miss Scissorpaws. She was quite a cat. Only six pounds, but fierce. Her first few years with me she was allowed outdoors. On several occasions I watched her chase off large toms twice her size. She brooked no nonsense.

Her boundaries were sharp and so were her teeth.. we adapted to each other (I learned to respect her) and as a reward I was given large and generous cat hugs several times every day, complete with loud purr, usually up over my left shoulder, where she would press herself against me as though she wanted to erase any separation that physically existed and merge herself right into me. Nothing could relax me as fast as that cat. Within minutes of her leaping up on my lap I would find myself lightly dozing.

One of her games was to put her face almost up to mine, then stare without quite making direct eye contact. I would stare back. One or the other of us would do a slow blink. Then the other one would do the same. It was like passing a pingpong ball back and forth sort of, although it was simply wordless communing. (I miss the blinky eye game. We did that every day.)

She had flight paths.. all cats do..

One of her favorite resting spots was on top of the computer with her tail hanging down in front of the screen, until I finally taped an acrylic picture frame to the top, complete with a picture of a Buddha statue in a garden, flowers in the foreground..

She seemed to be aging gracefully, except for the odd yowl out of nowhere, for no apparent reason. Her appetite stayed strong and she continued to be agile. Until yesterday. She couldn't get comfortable. Her hind leg was in some vicious spasm. She couldn't walk and she couldn't lie down.. her hind leg would lift high in the air of its own accord and she would yowl. This was very uncharacteristic pain behavior.

I had promised her when I adopted her that I would never let her suffer unnecessarily at the end of her life. And I kept my promise. It was clear to me that our time together was no longer going to be a celebration of life. (I would hope that someone might do me a similar favor when my own time comes, that society will have evolved an ethical and humane and above board sort of human euthanasia by then.)

I called a friend of mine, prearranged years ago, told her I was pretty sure the time was nigh. She came and gave the cat and me a lift to a vet she knew well, who had put down her dog years before.

And before long it was done.

My father died four years ago today, by coincidence. I expect there's a bit of overlap going on here in some subterranean part of my psyche.. although the two sorts of grieving feel quite different. I remind myself that I healed properly and well from the first, and that I likely will from the second. This one is raw and fresh, is all.. (I can't see clearly through the pain right now, I simply have to have faith I still possess adequate resilience.)

Both were old, and I loved each (my father and my cat) passionately and without reservation, but symbolically there were huge differences in the shapes of the bonds themselves.

My father was my father, but my cat was somehow me.

Today, there are cat shaped holes in my life everywhere I turn, shot through all my familiar physical space, including my body. I am slowly moving around, clearing cat paraphenalia from my apartment, wearily vacuuming long neglected gobs of cat hair (not wanting to have them there tomorrow to remind me..), staring for long moments at pictures I took of her doing ridiculous things.. looking up forums like this on the internet, writing long passages, wondering aloud how best to bear this exquisitely tender six-pound weight of pain around my heart.. crying and gasping and trying to just breathe in and out.

At this moment I can't imagine another cat in my existance... I need serious healing time. Yet I know the rest of my existance on this planet will be bleak/bereft if I never share oxytocin bonded life enhancement with another mammal. For awhile I will simply drift around in a sea of grief and find out what's next when I get there.

Thank you for providing this forum. While it hasn't taken this weight from my chest completely, sharing it has at least shifted it around a bit.

[carebear]

I have this ache in my heart. Sometimes I feel it is hard to breath. I miss her so much. She was ill for so long and I took care of her each day. It felt good to give her a bath and wrap her up in a warm blanket. She would shiver for awhile, sometimes I would get the hair dryer or heating pad.. Then she would fall asleep. And I would rock her just like a baby. She never cried. She was so good. I want to believe she is well now and running after bunnies with her mom and dad. I know she misses me. No one seems to know or care about me and my pain. I feel so hurt.

[MartyT]

My dear Karen,

I'm so very sorry to learn that you are not receiving the sympathy, understanding and support you need from family and friends right now, but I can assure you that you are not alone.

I know you've been visiting our Pet Loss Forum, and I hope you will notice how many times your posts have been read by others. Even though your messages may sit here for a while, or you may not get an individual response to your postings, it certainly doesn't mean that no one is "listening." Sometimes our visitors are hurting so much themselves that they don't have the energy to respond. Still, by spending time with other grieving animal lovers and reading their postings, I hope you will come to see that in these forums we are all bound by the common experience of loss, and you are in very good company.

I'm also very sorry that there are no pet loss support services in your home community to offer you the comfort you need, and I know it's a long time (and for you, a very long drive!) until our next Pet Grief Support Group meeting. May I offer some other alternatives?

I am aware of two quite wonderful pet loss guides, one on audiocassette tape, the other on two CDs -- that you might find quite helpful. You can read about them at:

Animals in Our Hearts: Legacies of Love, and

Grieving the Loss of Your Pet

You might also consider taking the online, email course I wrote on pet loss. You can read more about it at Pet Loss: A Different Grief

I'm also attaching (in Word format) an article, What Am I Supposed to Say? How Am I Supposed to Be? that I hope you will find helpful, Karen. Meanwhile, please know that we are thinking of you -- and know that you are NOT alone!

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

WhatAmISupposedToSayHowAmISupposedToBe.doc