5 Top Things

[kayc]

1. He loved me. Everyone could see how much he adored me, it was evident in how he looked at me and in everything he did.

2. He was the best friend anyone could have. He’d give the shirt off his back to anyone, he was always there for anyone who needed help. The most caring person I ever met.

3. He always tried. Whether it was providing me with medical insurance or fixing the car or something around the house, or helping one of the kids, he always did his best to come through. If he didn’t know how to do something, he’d find out how.

4. He was fun and spontaneous. I am the practical keep my nose to the grindstone kind of person, so we balanced each other. I always loved how he brought life and zeal to everything, how much he enjoyed life, each and every holiday, season, or event.

5. He was the safest place in the world to be, I loved laying my head on his chest and feeling his arms around me, like a protective cocoon. When he held me, nothing else in the world mattered or could bother me.

[marsha]

Kay - what a great post! Although this is actually painful in a way, I need and want to do justice to the man I loved, especially because I've been so focused on the time of his sickness.

1) Like you, Joe loved me without reservation. Even when we clashed, as angry as we got, we never said unkind things to each other - we respected each other.

2) Joe was loyal. By that I mean he and I committed to each other 100%; I never doubted him, and he me.

3) He made me laugh. He was so irreverent - people who knew what he was about really cared about him deeply. Even when he was sick, he could joke with nurses. His one nurse called him "my bud".

4) He was my net. He balanced me.

5) Even though he wouldn't admit it, he was a deeply caring person to others. Kids adored him, because he was a little kid in his heart. In our deli, if a person had no money, he would say, "pay me whenever you can" - I do the same thing now.

I was honored to have him for 23 years. Marsha

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

1. He loved me unconditionally, whether I was fat or thin, good or bad, had money or was dead-broke.

2. He could, & did fix everything. Cars, plumbing..build furniture, chainsaw a tree. Plus Pat loved to cook, & spoiled me rotten with his cooking. He also Loved to grocery shop..& would search out the foods that he knew I liked.

3. His very dry sense of humor, & the look on his face when he snuck a good joke in on me, & I finally realized it.

4. Sharing coffee & the newspaper in the morning, discussing the articles..& the way sometimes he'd sing a little song to me in the morning. Sharing our books, helping him with the crossword.

5. I hope this not off-limits..the lovemaking. Pat was a grest lover, who knew how to please a woman & make her feel well loved.

6. He was so good to his Dad & took care of him for many years. He treated his friends the same. They could always call Pat for help, & he'd be there.

7. His love of travel, adventure, & animals. Oh the tales I could tell about his old motor home...fixing a flat in a snowstorm, getting lost on the Res almost out of Gas, .the old mines we discovered..building campfires.running the dogs in wild places..we had Fun... & Ventured off the Beaten Paths..& were not afraid to go.

8. He was very slow to anger...it took a lot to get him upset...in fact every now & then I would pick a fight, just so we could kiss & make up.

9. He calmed me down, & I kicked him in to high gear..so there was indeed a balance operating always. We were the family's least likely choice to stay together..or ever get married..or go through the hard times..but we did..well they don't even know. Let them judge.

Pat & I have seen the Tarantula's crossing the road, the baby Javelins's, we have seen the Bats fly out of the old mine into our faces, we have seen the Hawks flying in the morning, & heard the Coyote's howl around the campfire..We have seen the Rattlesnakes...we've gotten lost on a hike & came back having seen the most beautiful wild places, had to swim the creek & climb rocks to get there..& get back to camp.

These are only a few of my Favorite Things.

[Mrcelloboy]

1. Kathy accepted me as I was. When we first met my two boys were still pretty young, and I was struggling a bit financially. Kathy ingnored these "red flags" and trusted the love and attraction she felt for me.

2. We were both very affectionate. She appreciated my affection and to me was the sexiest person alive.

3. She knew how to live life to the fullest. When we biked together (which was often) she'd sprint ahead of me (when we weren't on the tandem) and egg me on to go faster.

4. She LOVED to eat (so do I). She wasn't skinny, she was just right. She lost at least one previous boyfriend becuase he questioned her eating habits. LUCKY ME!

5. She wasn't afraid to try new things. She'd just read a book or take a workshop, then try something herself.

[MikeC]

Janet loved me and let me know this in so many ways: with her voice, her eyes, her smile, her touch. She got my stupid jokes and liked to hear me play guitar. She put up with me for almost 29 years.

She was a wonderful loving mother to our 2 boys.

She found joy in simple things, especially in nature - a bird's feather, a colorful leaf, the smell of honeysuckle, lavender, and lilac.

Janet loved people. She could become instant friends with strangers. She never had anything bad to say about anybody. She was a good listener - she was genuinely interested in what others had to say. People would naturally open up to her. Several people called her their best friend. She was compassionate and helped people in need, both financially and spiritually.

Janet was courageous. I never knew her to be afraid of anything or anybody. She didn't seem to fear even death.

She was the sweetest person I have ever known...

I could go on for a while, but I'll stop there. This is a wonderful topic for a post, Kay.

Mike

[Guest moparlicious]

Kay,

This is so awesome, just like you!!!!!!!!!

1.Dan loved me for me!!!!

2.Dan never had a unkind word to say about anyone. Did not like gossip, teasing or talking about others.

3. Dan was a wonderful husband, father, friend, lover, brother, uncle and son and loved by everyone.

4. Dan had a great sense of wonder and was not afraid to try anything. He had courage and strength.

5. Dan never gave up on anything or anyone!!!

I am so lucky to have had him for 24 years. 20 married and 4 dating. I never thought he would die at 41 years old, I miss him so much!!!!!!!!

[shhh65]

Kay,

This is just what I needed today. What a wonderful tribute to those we love so much.

1. Harry loved me unconditionally (and sometimes I didn't make it very easy). He was always telling the people around him how much he loved me. And I am blessed because he told me. I never had any doubt.

2. Harry was a wonderful father to our children, Jennifer and Jeffery and grandfather to our 3 granddaughters, Magon, Kendall and Carly Jo. He would do anything to protect them. He was so proud of how successful our kids were.

3. Harry was faithful. Faithful to our marriage, his job, the volunteer fire department he served on for so many years and any club or organization to which he belonged. He gave 100%.

4. Harry was FUN! Oh, how I miss his silly little sayings. I speak them aloud to myself.

5. Harry had a wonderful giving spirit. Even in death, he gave the gift of sight. I so miss looking into those dark brown eyes.

Thank you Harry for loving and caring for me.

[singledad2]

1. Julie was the most committed, loving wife that anyone could ever hope for. She absolutely loved me.

2. She was the best mother that our two girls could ever ask for-to a fault at times!

3. Her love for dogs led her to join a stagnant group with the local animal shelter, and push that group to action that now has saved the lives of over 500 dogs!

4. She too, loved to eat. On our first 'non-date', I watched her scarf down a dozen chicken wings. She had sauce all over her fingers and face--I knew right then, that she was 'a real' person. She wasn't worried what others would think when they saw her tearing into a big juicy chicken fried steak or a plate of wings.

5. She was so energetic. Every night, she and I would walk our two labs on a 5.2 mile circuit. It didn't matter whether it was below freezing, she wasn't going to miss that walk.

I'll throw in a bonus--she had the most beautiful smile that I've ever seen. I still smile when I look at photos of her with that smile on her face. I do miss her so!!!!

SD2

[mlg]

What wonderful tributes to our spouses. Thanks so much for coming up with the idea. It is just hard to limit it to 5 but I'll try.

5. He loved to travel (especially cruises) and I'm so glad we didn't wait until retirement to do this because like my parents we wouldn't have ever gotten to do it.

4. He was quite the "teaser". He knew I hated to have my feet touched and would do everything he could to "accidentally" touch them. Even talking about it would make me cringe.

3. He didn't have the confidence to do anything major, but together we always got it done. He was the left hand and I was the right.

2. He loved his family and even though he wouldn't admit it that included the dogs we had through the almost 37 years. He would have done anything for them even though sometimes it was tough love.

and the #1 thing is that he was the only person in my life to love me unconditionally for who I was. He would have laid down his life for me and treated me like a queen. Not necessarily financially but with the things he did for me. That is what makes this all so hard. We had a mutual admiration society and now there's nothing I can do for him, so I keep taking the cards I would have sent him to the cemetery because that's something I refuse to give up.

[Rosemary T]

Lou loved me and never let me down. He never betrayed me in any way. To feel as though I were loved so unconditionally was something I NEVER had; not even as a child from my parents.

Lou put me first 100% of the time. He would do without so that I could have.....even sports and relaxing after a hard day came 2nd to doing whatever he thought would please me.

Lou made me feel safe. As long as he was with me I did not care how anything else was working out. He would laugh at me when we got lost on a trip because I never got upset...why? Because I told him that as long as I was with him, I was never lost or late. I was exactly where I was supposed to be at that moment in time. Nothing could hurt me or scare me when he was with me. He was scared of nothing which gave me courage as well!

Lou brought out the best in me. I was damaged goods when he got me...not very patient, not very kind, and not very trusting. He changed me and made me better; not by telling me or pushing me but by showing me. I am a better person because of Lou.

Lou made me feel good about myself. He ignored the "bad" and made much "ta do" about the good; making the good sound great and the great seem tremendous. I liked who I was because of how he saw me.

Rosemary

[Corinne]

Kayc,

Once again you have started an awesome topic. Thanks!

1. Jimmy could always make me laugh. When I first met him he made me laugh so

so hard that my ribs would hurt for days.

2. Jimmy used to sing to me all the time. He used to take a song and change some of the words. I still find myself singing them.

3. He loved to fish and hunt and taught me to love it also. We would travel in the spring and fall to go fishing for two weeks.

4. He always made sure that I was OK and did not need anything. If he would here me just mention that I would like to buy something, I usually had it the next day.

5. He had the most beautiful blue eyes and incredible smile.

Jimmy will be gone 12 years this Christmas and I still miss him and love him. He gave me so much and taught me so much he will always be a part of me!

Love,

Corinne

[marsha]

After reading all of your posts, can I put something out here? It seems to me that we have all grown as people and become the better for it, with the loving and giving relationships we had with our spouses. I was so scared that I was going to go back to that "damaged goods" person, as Rosemary put it that I was when I was 28, as strange as that sounds. Well, I'm 52 now, and after 23 years of marriage, growing up together, essentially, I'm a different person. All of your posts were lovely, and loving, by the way - thank you for sharing them. Marsha

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Hi everyone,

I've read through all the posts, & see a common thread that runs through. Its Unconditional Love. That is Safe, Faithful, Committed, Hopes all, Believes All, Inspires all..& Never Ends.

Dad & Pat loved me Unconditionally..so I have been truly fortunate to have experienced this Love Twice in my Life. These good men minimized my Scars, & maximized my Stars..it's like Mary Linda said "We belonged to a Mutual Admiration Society".

I have to wonder if this kind of Love is so scarce on the planet, how do I get there again? Why am I so judgemental...or maybe that the men that gave me this kind of Love..just naturally inspired it in me so it was reciprocal?

Love to all that shared their thoughts.

[fred]

Thanks Kay!!!! I really needed this as well! Haven´t been able to say much lately, too much pain here in the group, especially with the arrival of each new member. Please give me a little time to put the five top things together otherwise I could go on all day.

Rosemary, when I began reading your reply my joy at this opportunity Kay has given us disappeared for a moment. Thank you for restoring it through the love you shared with Lou and by sharing these thoughts with us. I was also ¨damaged goods¨ when my wife decided to find out who the mysterious stranger was that attended the same church she did for almost ten years and yet had managed to avoid her insatiable curiosity. I think I became a ¨project¨ of hers, because she felt that anyone that withdrawn must have suffered terribly at some time and it was her responsibility to repair the damage. I have to thank God for the few unbelievable years we did get to spend together.

So, now that someone has given my a little time to reflect. Five top things, hmm? First, of course the unselfish, unreserved love she gave to me and taught me to share. Secondly the determination and tenacity with which she persued every ¨project¨. 3. I was always in awe of the way she could move into a roomful of strangers and turn them into a roomful of friends, the way she lit up every place and person she came in contact with. This is a gift she tried to bestow on me as well, and very slowly, I am learning. 4. Her intellect, her photographic memory; Jackie could talk with anyone and find some subject they could both enjoy discussing for hours. She didn´t read books, she devoured them. I miss our conversations terribly. 5. And of course, all of those physical aspects we all miss. Her warmth and joy at seeing me at the end of the day, her ability to walk into the kitchen and turn out a fabulous meal in minutes, her smile and the twinkle in her eyes, her ability to get me to relax completely just by settling into the couch and reading to each other. Okay, I am sad now, but it is okay. It feels good to bring back these memories. Thanks Kay!

[Dusky]

KayC,

Thanks for helping us all remember what we loved most about our lost love.

I did this exercise years ago – within the first few months of Jack’s death. So here is my list – I had 23 things that I listed at that time – in no particular order:

1. Dependability

2. Sense of humor

3. Love of animals – especially Dachshunds

4. Romantic nature – how he said “I love you” so often

5. Cleanliness – neat and orderly

6. Good looks – and beautiful hair

7. Ability to live his entire life in the moment

8. Unending sense of happiness

9. Kind and gentle nature

10. Ability to weed through problems – and find correct answers

11. Wonderful business mind

12. Artistic ability – seen in his craft – hairstyling

13. His beautiful hands – strong and masculine

14. Ability to make friends – and keep them

15. His social abilities – friendly and warm always

16. How he was the center of attention – magnetic personality – yet unassuming

17. Silly funny ways he had – Like a Lucy Ricardo – fun to be around

18. Sensitivity

19. Loving

20. Wonderful wonderful culinary abilities

21. Man of great routine – once a tradition or ritual started – wanted to keep it

22. Love of family

23. Did not care about money

Written long ago – when I look at the words I wrote three years ago – his image and inner beauty are as fresh and close as if he were still with me. I miss him for all these 23 reasons and so much more.

John – Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[marsha]

vickie - it wasn't just your dad and your husband giving to you - please give yourself credit for growing, and being the person you have become, and are. You gave back of yourself to your loved ones. It IS reciprocal. And shared. I remember things from when I was a small child, and I remember things as an adult - Joe used to say I never listened to him (we "debated" a lot) but his thoughts and ideals have stayed with me. We gain from our loved ones, so much. I hope I don't sound like a Hallmark card; you know where I'm coming from! Peace, Marsha

[kath]

I hope I'm not too late to add my top five for Bob...

1.) His amazing smile (the first thing I noticed about him) and his ready laugh. He loved a good joke and having fun. We rolled out of many card aisles together with tears in our eyes, laughing hysterically.

2.) He was a cuddler. We had to touch...holding hands at church or on walks, "spooning" at night (until the hot flashes kicked in and the most I could handle was one toe touching), kisses hello and goodbye, massages and hugs for no reason.

3.) He was totally endearing and devoted as a dad. He liked to give off the impression that he was a grumpy old bear, but to watch him play in the sandbox with his son or see his then three year old daughter playing beauty shop on his hair (complete with bows and clips) melted my heart. I treasure the picture I took of him with tissues stuffed in his glasses at his daughter's wedding.

4.) His love and knowledge of nature gave us many years of long walks, camping, hunting, sightseeing and tornado chasing.

5.) He was a romantic. He'd read me poetry, treat me to chocolate covered strawberries on Valentine's Day, surprise me with fabulous jewelry (I was much too practical to suggest any of it) and we could talk for hours over a candlelight dinner.

[LarrysGirl]

Tomorrow is the 3rd year anniversary so its alittle tough right this second, yet I wanted to join in and share my favorite things about Larry...

When we first met (years before he became sick) he was built like a line backer, broad shoulders but was a big teddy bear and his hugs would totally wrap around me.

He had the kindest nature about him, such a warm heart. He made friends with everyone he met.

He loved the simple things in life. We enjoyed our two dogs and just taking a walk in the woods was the best. As long as we were together it really didn't make any difference what we were doing, we still enjoyed it.

He loved to talk to me. Even during his long hospital stays we pretty much talked on the phone from morning till nite. We shared so many interests and looked at life in the same way.

He was my BEST friend. I knew I was cared for, loved deeply, and he believed in me. I was finally safe in this world. Our love almost from the first time we met was unwavering, a constant source of happiness I've had never known until I found him, my love, Larry.

[kayc]

Deborah,

My thoughts are with you as you remember three years ago...please try to remember not only the great pain and sadness that you have experienced these three years without Larry, but also that you are a survivor...who would have thought three years ago that you could even LIVE three years without him! I know I couldn't fathom that, yet here we are still. I know that you, as well as I, look forward to the day we can be together again...and know they aren't far from us, they dwell inside of us where we reach for them often.

I loved each and every one of your responses, it was wonderful to read in your own words the things you cherished most about this most important person in your world, the ones we lost. I wish I had a way of saving this post, for it special to me to hear eachof your stories, what wonderful people we were blessed to have! Somehow I feel we were each married to top treasures, we were the lucky ones to have found what the rest of the world seems to be doing without. I know the pain of loss is all the greater when you have something that was truly great, it is the true measure of what we had.

I love you all,

KayC

[teny]

Five things are so limited for a lifes love story.Yiany was teling me every morning < good morning my qween> and when I was worried about every days litle problems he would say < nothing matters in life as long as we are together>.Now every thing matters because we are not together and it hurts sooo much.Your far away friend .TENY

[kath]

Kay,

I, too, loved this topic. I'm wondering about adding a twist to it...what if all our spouses were hangin' out "beyond the door" making a list of what they loved about us and talking about how lucky they were to have been so much in love? What would they say were the top 5 things they loved about us? Receiving love from them changed our lives, but being able to give love is who we are because of them. Any thoughts?

[marsha]

Kath - Now YOUR post made me cry, too! What a good thing to think about, because I think we all tend to credit our spouses for making us who we are, while forgetting that it indeed a 2 way street.

OK, here's 5 things Joe would say about me:

1) My 100% loyalty, committment, and respect for him. From day 1, I was determined that this was what my marriage would entail. Thru sickness and health, richer and poorer - all came into play in 23 years.

2) He told me that I made him the man he was

3) Saying "I love you" every day, and meaning it

4) I always appreciated Joe just for being him - I think I was, inside myself, always aware that there might come a day he wouldn't be here; I never expected more of him than he could give (which was a lot)

5) Being partners, in life and in business; wonderful and immeasurable emotional support

Marsha

[kayc]

Kath,

That is a lot harder to compile but I'll make an attempt:

1. My unconditional love for him

2. I always had faith in him. He knew no matter how something sounded or looked we would believe the best of each other, and we did. I had faith in him when sometimes even he wasn't sure, and sometimes that's what carried him through.

3. He thought I was smart, he respected me, how I did my job, etc.

4. We clicked. We fit together in every way, the music we liked, contentment, living in the country, a good cup of coffee, everything, we went together well and could communicate well.

5. I was his entire world, his reason for living, the culmination of life coming together in me...for him.

[Rosemary T]

Wow! What did Lou think of me? I knew because he told me so often but I was always amazed at what he believed! I did not see most of it but felt so flattered that he did....

First Lou got this one right: He was number one. He knew I loved him and would defend him to anyone at any time. If there was any person that did not treat Lou right or give him the respect and honor he deserved, they got NOTHING from me. It did not matter if they knew me first or if they were family.....they either were kind, considerate, and appreciative of Lou or they caught my wrath. No one could hurt my Lou!

Second, Lou thought I was smart. He was constantly bragging on how smart I was....Lou worked the fields as a poor child in the late 40's and early 50's (years before I was even born) and did not get very far in school He had more wisdom than most people I knew but he was so impressed with education (I got my Doctor's degree after we were married). Like most people I realize that those pieces of paper are not hard to come by if you have a little intestinal fortitude and some time and money to spend. Some of the stupidest people I know are well educated but Lou was proud of me for it so I had to feel good about it as well.

Third, Lou thought I was a great cook. He loved the food I made for him and friends and family. He bragged to everyone at work and on his bowling leagues that I would cook for him every day regardless of how busy I was because I knew how much he loved home cooked food. He said the only woman whose food was as good was his mother's! That was quite a compliment!

Fourth, Lou thought I was strong. I grew up as the child of an alcholic so I learned early on to take care of myself and not rely on others for anything. If I thought something was unfair or that I was being taken advantage of I would take a hold of it like a dog with a favorite bone and not let up until I got what I thought I had coming. I would not allow others to take advantage of me and refused to enable what I considered "victim mentality" or people who did not want to have to suffer consequences for their actions. It did not matter who the person was, I believed and stressed personal accountability and a no excuses attitude. I felt empowered by Lou's love which made me seem even stronger I'm sure.

Finally (and this is what always amazed me the most), Lou thought I was beautiful. I am not beauty queen but to hear from Lou you would think I was the next Super Model. Even with my hair sticking up, no make up on and sleep in my eyes, that man thought I was attractive. How I loved him for that!

Rosemary

[fred]

Okay, you girls are really bringing my spirits up. Thanks Kay, Kath, Marsha and Rosemary. Your words are doing me a world of good. I would like to chime in with my views on how I thought Jackie loved and appreciated me, but she won´t let me. You see, a month or so ago I crashed (emotionally) while trying to put away some of her things in the house. On her nightstand were a couple of plain volumes which turned out to be diaries, of course I had to start reading. Well, legible handwriting was not one of her strong suites, but at one point, while we were dating, she printed a long and very clear list of what she felt were my best characteristics. I would be embarrassed to promote myself the way she did, but I just want you to know what a wonderful gift it was to read (in her own words) how much she thought of me. Thanks again for this wonderfully comforting thread. ((((((( )))))))