When Is Enough - Too Much

[AllyNoble]

Just how much can one person be expected to take

just how many deaths in ones close family can one be expected to take

Just when you think things have slowed back to some kind of normality

wham it lands right back in your face landing like some unseen weight on your chest

comments from well meaning people do not make it any easier

he says: Hi there ... anbody die this week

I say:      Nope

He says: thank god.......one good week in your life! lol

well I do not particualrly find that amusing nor remotely caring

do we as grieving people have to refrain from going near people for fear of putting them in unease

I was told people won't come near me because they don't know what to say .. I do not know which is worse

the being ignored as if I dont exist or the unthoughtful comments

I am really getting to the stage where I really do not know where to turn or what to do with myself

[MartyT]

My dear Ally,

Surely one of the most painful aspects of losing a loved one to death is that somehow, on top of all our grief, we must put up with all the insensitive comments and empty platitudes we may hear from friends, relatives and others who think that they are helping us. If they don’t know what to say, they may talk about the weather or some other mundane topic – anything except to discover how we’re doing and how we are coping. Those who are unable to face us may avoid us altogether, as if we no longer exist for them.

Sometimes people say things out of ignorance and inexperience, and we are left feeling angry, frustrated, disgusted and hurt. Stunned with shock and disbelief, we think to ourselves, “How could they say such an awful thing? Don’t they know how much it hurts?” The answer is simply that no, they don’t know, because they haven’t been where we are and they haven’t walked in our shoes.

We cannot control the words and actions of others, but we can control where we turn for comfort and support. We can choose to seek out and be among the most supportive people we can find. One advantage to coming to this discussion group, Ally, is that here you will find people who DO know how much it hurts, because we all are hurting, too. In this place of understanding, caring and support, you are among others who are on the same journey, walking along the same path, grieving losses of our own and trying to find our own way.

What we say to one another in our grief forums is this: We are here, all the time. We care. We want to learn more of what you think and what you are experiencing. We will listen as you talk about your loved one. We will cry with you in your sorrow and laugh with you as you recall the good memories. We won’t mind how long you stay or how long you need to be here. We won’t tell you to hurry up, to get a grip and pull yourself together, to let go and get on with your life.

When you don't know where to turn or what to do with yourself, know this: We will be here for you just as you are here for us, as we all do what we can to help each other bear our grief and ease our collective burdens.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[AllyNoble]

sorry me again

how do you tell your friends to back off

today my daughter graduates high school

tonight we have a dinner and a presentation

I have spoken at length with her and she knows how awesomely proud I am of her but just am not strong enough to watch her graduate

this seems so wrong and I feel so selfish for not being able to face it

Daniel is meant to be here he is meant to be graduating too

I cannot watch his friends graduate .. I have sat and thought and thought some more and am not sure I can stay strong through the whole night

I spoke to my daughter about it and told her that I dont want to ruin the night for her - she is the most amazing person - I love her soo much she has given me soo much and yet I cannot do this all I have done is cry today - all I can do is think of the waste of a young life when I should be celebrating her achievement

is this soo wrong

I have soo many friends throwing advice at me - telling me how thoughtless I am being

my father should be here celebrating all this with us ..

I just wish people would back off - this is like - I dont know how to describe it grrrr this is soo frustrating