A New Day

[kayc]

Well I got the missing persons report filed and the burglary filed. I can't file a claim with my insurance because their check would come in John's name too and I'd have no way to cash it, but my main concern was the police reports to cover my bases. Will have to wait until Mon. to make an appt. with a lawyer, everyone was out yesterday.

Last night my son and I were watching Seinfeld and when Cramer started hitting golf balls into the ocean, I lost it and started crying...John and I did that together...we have memories, I don't understand how he could just forget them, turn his back on me and our animals without even a backward glance. It hurts so bad.

[kayc]

I called to check on the missing person's report I filed two and a half days ago and find out they canceled it and didn't tell me and they said I needed to file it in Portland. So I called to file it there and I spend 1/2 hour on the phone with the policewoman, and she said she'd call me back. She does, and she tells me he was reported as driving drunk, and a policeman was there with him in Tualatin as we spoke, and she spoke with the policeman, and she said he couldn't do anything about it because he hadn't witnessed it. She told me he's living with a woman in our motor home and the policeman would greatly encourage him to call me. He called and told me he was alive and well and he'd call me back in an hour...of course, he didn't. I left him a message saying I had a good deal for him for a limited time, and if he chose not to take it, he could have nothing. No response. I was going to offer to pay off his motor home and car by selling my car if he agreed to sign over the titles and sell his car (which is upsidedown financially). This would mean I wouldn't have to file bankruptcy although I'd have to come up with another way to get to work, and he'd have something to live in free and clear. But I think he has one foot in the grave and his other foot on the way to prison.

While I'm getting hit with this, my son very nearly got killed tonight. He fell off a cliff. It's a miracle he isn't in the hospital. He doesn't have any broken bones, but he is pretty bunged up and hurting. I can only be thankful he is alive...what a night. Of course, I can't sleep.

[kath]

Kay,

I was wondering why you were up this early. You poor thing, you must be a very strong woman to have all this coming at you. I am glad your son is alive and your husband's been found. I wish there was something I could do to help you out. What are you doing to take care of you today?

You are in my prayers,

Kath

[Guest moparlicious]

KayC,

My dear strong angel. I am so sorry you are going through this!!!!! God loves you and so do I. Well at least he has been found (not quite sure if its a good or bad thing) The not knowing is the worse part of it all. Praise God your son is alive. Stop and breathe!!!! I am here for you and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I love you Kay and I am so thankful for you. You are a blessing to me and many others, your strength and will to fight despite every battle you have been through, gives me strength to continue on.Love, Kim

[marsha]

Kay - thank G-d your son is ok! Oh, my word, woman, you have so much on your plate! From what you've written, I think you're going in the right direction, legally wise. It sounds like John's into not so great things - but you can only do as much as you can do. You have to look out for yourself. But how painful it must be! I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you, and also thinking of any knowledge I have that can help - for right now you have my emotional support - Marsha

[shhh65]

Kay,

I wish I was gifted at knowing just the right thing to write. My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I'm so glad that your son is alright and I will be praying for a quick resolution to your marriage and financial problems.

((((Hugs!))))

[kayc]

It has been a while since I've posted about this situation. Marty was kind enough to start this section and transfer it to where it better fits.

I filed a missing person's report and the police told me they found my husband living with another woman in our motor home...I haven't seen him since we signed the loan papers on the motor home, Nov. 7th. This is a different woman than he lived with before.

I have been attacked by a lot of people for "being so stupid" as to not pick a better husband, not see this coming, try to save my marriage after the first time he cheated on me, etc. I've been attacked for caring too much, giving too much, staying too long, etc. I can only say, until you've walked in my shoes, don't judge, you don't know what you'd do until you're there. I don't feel bad for having tried my best. It's easy to look back with hindsight, but when you look at how things transpired, it wasn't so easy to see what would happen. If I was guilty of anything it was being the best wife I could be. Am I then to feel bad for having loved, for having trusted?

Since my husband cannot be trusted to tell me the truth, to be faithful, to follow through on what he says, I have filed for divorce. He's disappeared on me, so it may take a while to obtain a divorce and clear the titles we hold and straighten out finances, but it'll all happen in due time.

Right now I struggle with my emotions...I am determined to do what I must do, to follow my brain, yet I cannot turn off the feelings I have and I go through a great deal of inner pain. It is right before the holidays, for crying out loud, what a time to do this to me! He's called and told me he still loves me and doesn't want a divorce (of course not, he's quit his job, ruined his credit, and run out of money!)...yet I hear her coming in and all of a sudden he "has to go", he says he'll call me back, but he doesn't. He doesn't follow through on anything, he can't tell me the truth if his life depends on it...he's a mess. I remember the man that I married, he isn't the same as this man. I could ask what happened but silence would answer me. I can't concern myself with "why" when there is no answer I could understand and nothing is forthcoming anyway, so I can only determine what I need to do. I need to get closure, but that's hard to do under the circumstances. They're living in our motor home and driving our car while I have to make the payments and carry the insurance. Something just isn't right about that! I guess that's why my family and friends are all mad...why can't I be mad? Why do I just hurt? I feel like he's ruined my ability to trust, to be able to trust my own judgment, he's shattered me inside and destroyed my self esteem. He replaced me with a low life bimbo...how could he do that? My friends say he needed someone like him, and he couldn't handle a classy lady like me. How come this doesn't leave me feeling very classy? Why do I feel like a piece of garbage that's just been discarded? How do I get through the pain? I cry on the way to and from work. The weirdest things set me off, there are memories everywhere. Why doesn't he miss me, feel bad, hurt, remember these memories too?

[marsha]

Sorry Kay, but I'm totally on your side in this situation - not his in the least. From what I can see, you gave 100% and there's nothing you should be ashamed of. You gave your heart to another - and if you made what turned out to be a bad choice - you're human! I can't emphasize this enough - you are NOT a piece of garbage, you are a loving, wonderful woman. You are valued here immensely, and that means a hell of a lot, to me, and I'm sure to many others! Please try not to let his attitude bring you down. I'm sure your mind must be in complete turmoil at this point. Take care of yourself, dear one, and keep writing - Love, Marsha

[MikeC]

Kay,

A week ago two of my son's friends, both gentle young men, were attacked and viciously beaten in a public restroom by a stranger. They did nothing to provoke the attack – it was a random act of violence by a psychopath. They were in the wrong place at the wrong time and while it is unlikely that anything like that will happen to them again, I am sure they will carry the physical and emotional scars with them for a long, long time.

That was no more their fault than your situation with your husband is your fault. Like these two young guys, you were blindsided, a victim of someone who lacks the basic decency and moral values that we expect of others. They did nothing to deserve the beating, just as you did nothing to deserve the mistreatment dealt to you. Your situation is worse in that your assailant is a man you trusted your heart to. I don't see how you can help having your trust of others shaken, and your self-esteem battered. You will likely bear these scars for some time to come. But please don't think of yourself as a “piece of garbage.” If there is a piece of garbage in this scenario, it is the man who has caused you to feel this way.

I don't know that anything I say to you will make you feel better about yourself. A friend recently told me something her dad used to say: if you tell yourself something often enough you will believe it. I think this is true, and I am afraid this is what is happening to you. I will echo what Marsha said – you are a loving, wonderful woman and you are valued by so many people here. Maybe if we tell you that enough you will believe it.

Mike

[kayc]

Thank you for your encouraging responses. He called me on Christmas Eve and hung up just as I got to the phone. It's unnerving. I have to get over this! If he'd just do what needs to be done and leave me alone it'd be easier. I cried at dinner because his place was empty. I know I need him out of my life but at the same time it hurts so bad! I feel like a mess. I know I'll be alright eventually but in the right now it's so hard! Now the wait begins...waiting for the law/system to carry out its justice...ha! Is there such a thing? I kind of doubt it. But at least I know eventually I'll be divorced, even though he hides so he can't be served, he can't prevent it forever. He's only doing so to prolong how long he can live off of me. I know all that. I know my daughter is right, that everything he says is "poop talk". That about wraps it up in a nut shell, and it helps me stay on track when I hear him, I know it's all poop talk and means nothing, so I stay my course and continue extricating myself from him and this situation.

[mlg]

Suggestion:

Can you move the money out of the account it is in or at least not put any more money in it and close the credit card accounts or have his name taken off the card and get a new number. That way his fat cow would soon run out of milk(I'm not calling you a cow by the way.)

[fred]

Mary Linda, I think Kay has already taken care of all of the changes she can easily make on her own. Now that a lawyer and the law are involved things get tricky and as Kay says, justice will not be served.

Kay, We both know that only God will distribute the justice he deserves. Since he hasn`t done any of even the simplest things a man or husband should do before, you certainly can`t expect the toadstool to begin now. Hang in there and look to God for strength and support. We here will do what we can to comfort and suggest, but that is about all we can give online. You know that you are loved and we will be here for you. Take care my friend, Love, Hugs and Prayers (( ))

[kath]

Dear Kay,

I think Mike was right on when he says you need to change the things you say about yourself. You are a worthwhile woman and you deserve to be loved! I had to repeat those words many times a day until I started to believe them. Please do yourself a favor and do the same. Of course you are hurt. Of course you are sad that you don't have the person in your life that you thought you did. We go into marriage hoping to share the future with someone we care deeply about. It's about trust and commitment and love. You did your part. He did not. That is a loss, my friend. You are at the hurting end of another painful, sad, undeserved loss. Are you a bad person for trusting? No way! You are a worthwhile woman and you deserve to be loved. You have a lot of hard work ahead of you. I don't expect it to get any easier for a while. But, please, be kind to yourself. If you didn't love, it wouldn't hurt. If you didn't love, you wouldn't be who you are. We love you!

Kath

[kayc]

Thank you for your replies. Yes, I separated bank accounts over a month ago...while there isn't a quick and easy solution to the situation, my first order of business was "do no more harm" and set about trying to accomplish just that. When a married couple are signed on loans and titles, the titles can only be changed upon order of the court, upon final divorce. The loans, however, we are both legally responsible for, regardless of who has possession of the items involved, and the banks go to whomever they deem "the responsible one". Therefore, since he quit his job, it is to me, the responsible one, they turn to for money. It doesn't matter if I have it or not. My only recourse would be a civil suit, which would gain me nothing as he has no money to get and I have no where to serve him. The same is true for the divorce itself, I have to go through all of the hoops of the law to get the divorce...since I do not have an address to serve him at, and it will take more efforts, more time, more money, but eventually, it'll be done.

My greatest need at this time is for moral support. He called me at Christmas, and it was hard enough without that...it was brief and I'm not sure why he called unless it was to try and alleviate his guilt or to continue a relationship with me in the hopes of continuing to have me to fall back on. My resolve and decision has already been made and is irrevocable, regardless of my feelings, which are neither here nor there. There were several times over Christmas when I thought about him and it hurt...starting with his empty place at the table on Christmas Eve, and just memories in general hitting me...making it through holidays in this kind of a situation is extremely difficult. It is compounded by well meaning friends and relatives who tell me "I shouldn't care about the jerk!", which may be true, but we can't always control our feelings and to expect them to just shut off because we recognize they aren't in our best interest, is not always realistic, any more than we can shut off our feelings of loss when we lose someone to death. Add to the mix the judgment I have received from so many people over making a bad choice (marrying John) and telling me I need therapy, I should never have a man again, what's wrong with me, etc., etc., it just adds to the feelings of self-degradation. My own mother refuses to use my last name now, telling me "it's of the devil!" That is ridiculous! The name I took when I married John is a perfectly fine english name, easy to pronounce, easy to spell, I don't see any reason to have to change it on 100 documents and websites just because I'm going through a divorce. People never cease to amaze me, the inappropriate responses they give...I found that when George died, and I find that again now. By the same token, there have been others who have surprised me...the banker that waived the penalty fee "under the circumstances" when I remortgaged my house, the AT&T rep. that issued a credit on the phone bill I'm having to pay on John's behalf, or my church that gave me a gift cert. for food, or my sister that loaned me money for a retainer for a lawyer. Some of the provision has not been in the form of money, but in moral support, and God has provided through Wendy and Fred, as well as others in this forum. How amazing is that!

There are thousands of others, every day, who go through the loss of a love relationship...not all have the legal and financial entanglements that mine does, but each one is extremely painful in the heart and requires so many adjustments on the part of those involved. I hope with all of my heart that this forum will provide support for each of those seeking it, because this is extremely painful...not only in the loss, but also how it affects one's self esteem and feelings of worth.

Today as I read my devotional, it talks about Elijah and when he was going through his down time...he received a death threat from Jezebel, he felt despondent and wanted to die! God didn't rebuke him for how he felt, but instead sent him an angel to provide for his physical needs. God encouraged him and reminded him that He was at work! He gave Elijah a sense of purpose (new mission). He reminded Elijah that he wasn't alone. It is in our times of trouble that we need to remember that God wants to be these things to us, He wants us to turn to Him and He will provide, comfort, encourage us, and give us a sense of purpose. These things don't always happen in one day, but as we trust Him, He will provide, one step at a time, as we have need.

[kayc]

Part 2 of my story with John.