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Kim,

I hope you don't mind that I stoled your line but I'm so angry right now my head is about to explode. I know somewhere along the line I told the story of the car hitting our house after Tom came home from the hosp. . The insurance told us it could take up to two years for us to get the deductible back. I called to day because it has been 15 mos. and they said because the owner is claiming that it was stolen that there is nothing they can do and we will not get the deductible back. I just wish I had proof somehow as to who was driving (since the police didn't seem to want to pursue it). I just feel that I have let Tom down and I know there's nothing I can do. Just something else to add to the heartbreak. It's not the money, it's the fact that this person made Tom so miserable.

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Mary Linda

I don't blame ya one bit. I know what you mean... it isn't the money. It's the fact that some of his last hours were so uncomfortable because of this.

You absolutely haven't let Tom down. Not at all. This was an accident and definitely out of your control.

The AC guys got there when they could and you got it repaired as quickly as you possibly could. So don't start blaming yourself. The person who stole the car and drove into your property is responsible, and he/she alone. Certainly not you.

You know you might feel a bit better writing that anonymous person a letter and telling them the consequences of their actions. Then you can tear it up.. but... writing it all out may help you express the anger you are feeling.

The only beautiful thing & important thing is now Tom is more than comfortable and will always be. And I'm sure he wouldn't want you feeling badly about this. You did ALL you could.

leeann

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Actually I did write a letter to the owner of the van (who I actually think was driving it) and a letter to the "person" who was driving it. I asked him if he had any idea who stole his van if he would give him the letter please. I thought he might open it and "get a conscience" but obviously it either wasn't him or he doesn't have one.

I know I can't do anything about it and it wasn't my fault but I guess I just have to have something else to beat myself up about. It's bringing back all the did I take good enough care of him, did her really know how much I loved him (and I know he did), did he love me as much as I thought he did, etc. flowing back.

It just hasn't been a very good day and he hasn't been here for me to lean on. I do think while I was in bed that he was holding me tight and I rested for a while. I've started this whole not sleeping thing again recently too. I thought I was past that but it must come in cylcles like everything else.

By the way, I feel it is fine that you post on this forum. I have never read anything that offended me and would never have known you hadn't lost a spouse if you hadn't said anything. You are always very eloquent and I have often wondered if you were a journalist or English teacher.

Hope you aren't up to read this until tomorrow.

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Mary Linda,

I agree 100% with what Leeann wrote, it's not your fault, you shouldn't beat yourself up over it, he suffered because of someone else, not you, and you've done what you could, some people just don't have a conscience. Look what I'm going through right now...John and whoever he's hooked up with doesn't have a conscience...I have to believe there will be justice someday. And even if there weren't, you and I have the satisfaction of living good lives...these other kind of people don't. I'm sorry to hear you're not sleeping, I've been going through that too. I hope it gets better for you, try to let it go since there's nothing you can do about it, and remember, like Leeann said, he's out of his discomfort now and in a better place. And he knows you love him, he would never think you're letting him down, he'd be onto you for even thinking that!

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Well that makes 3... at least.

I'm not sleeping well either. LOL

Are ya shocked? lol You are glad that I wasn't up at 3 though aren't ya? Yup last night I feel off a bit earlier than that. Not much.. but a bit.

You know it's bad when the alarm goes off and you haven't fallen alseep yet.... sigh. I've had quite a few days like that recently.

Thanks Mary Linda, but no I'm not an English teacher or a journalist.

And I know you know all of what I told ya. But those lingering doubts *do* have a tendency to pop up for all of us now and then. I think that's just part of it.

I am glad you wrote the letters, whether they were read or not. But for good measure you could tell them off again when you next shower. :D

When bad days come as they always do.... yeah.. I miss them the worst then.

But I do talk to them all of the time and I do feel them around me.

So I'm happy that you were able to feel Tom with you too and get a lil rest anyway.

Kayc is right.. we can have the peace of mind knowing that we do the ethical things. (May not help us sleep.. BUT... :) ) They someday will have to face their own consequences. And that's on them. We have enough ... don't ya think?

(((((Hugs))))) Hope today is a better day.

leeann

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