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Losing Dad

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I'm new here. I continue my search for something, anything to cling on to so that I can go on with my life without Dad. He passed away 6 months ago, and my pain, I realize, continues to take different forms. It's hurting more... even though I kept thinking it can't get worse.

I can't go to my Dad's grave. I wish I was there once in a while, just to sit there quiet and talk to him ...silently. I wish I could light a candle there, instead of here, thousands of miles away, on my piano, remembering the days he used to ask me to play his favorite song (a Julio Iglesias song that the singer sang at the opening of a Soccer World Cup back in the eighties). I am not even religious anymore. Before Dad passed away I did pray every night. I now do it because they say it's good to do it. I don't have anyone to really talk to about what I feel. My husband fell into a strong depression as well and I don't want to worsen his health. I have a good friend with whom I opened my heart once, but she started to cry and I felt guilty about it. I feel alone and ..miss my Dad so much.

Two months after he passed, I graduated Magna Cum Laude from a respected college. I obtained a very good job. Still, I feel I can't keep up the fight anylonger. I need to cry and find some peace.

Mother just told me she is filing a lawsuit against how a house on my Dad's name is now being shared among his legal inheritors. She is not financially well. I am in pain and want to find some peace. I need to feel THAT connection with my Dad. But I don't feel I know where he is... .

I appreciate any thought. Thanks.

Be well.

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I can totally understand what you are going through. I lost my mom on September 29, 2004 (2 weeks ago). Your not alone. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her and cry. There also isn't a day that goes by that I don't want to be with her. I hurt all the time, I don't want to do anything. I don't want any visitors, but I don't want to be alone. I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. I have a hard time eating and don't have any energy anymore. I too feel like I am alone, but I know that I'm not.

My brother called me last Saturday and he can't understand why I am so depressed. After all, I was her baby and I was the closest one to her. I called her at least 4 times a week and seen her at least once a month. I have so many regets, like, why didn't I visit more. Why did I put her through hell when I was growing up. I was such a bad son. I did nothing my complain about everything.

This one time I made her so mad that she pulled her own hair and pulled a bunch out. Now I wished that I would have never done that. I once told her that I hated her.....she knows that I didn't mean it but still I can't take it back now. I know that all 5 of us were a handfull. But it seems now that I am the one that suffering now. All I want is to have her back! I want to be able to hug her and tell her how much I love her. I know that she knows but I just want more time.....Time that I'll never have again.

My mom passed away suddenly. She was only 63. We still don't the cause of death, but, I think that it was a heart attach. I wish that I would have seen the signs and taken her to the doctor, maybe she would have been here today. Mom was never the type to go to the doctor, EVER! I will forever miss her. There are times that I feel like there is no need for me to go on. I know that I don't sound like a real MAN but I don't care. I was a MOMMAS boy. I always have been and always will be. My mom could do nothing wrong. Just know that your not alone. I hope that this note didn't depress you even more.

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