Lost My Best Friend, My Dad.

[emptyinside]

Thank you, Leeann and mlg. ((())))

I must be a masochist because I don't feel I deserve to feel better. I feel like I should be punished for all my stupidity.

mlg, the part about the treatment being accepted for metastatic liver cancer after his passing is just the type of situation that would be unbearable for me

Thank you, all, for letting me get this out. Sometimes I sit here and need to vent so much.

[bsk]

emptyinside, I just read this book:

Life After Death by Deepak Chopra

It's an interesting read, dealing with exactly the questions that you have posed (what indeed is consciousness?). This book opens up one's mind to the possibilities. I found it comforting.

[AnnieO]

Emptyinside,

I still cry when I see moms and daughters together, its been 2 years. I am always cautious when I talk about my faith or beliefs, I hope I am not offending anyone. I believe your dad still has all his wonderful stories, now he has a whole new audience to share them with. I believe he still has everything he had in this world, the stories, the languages he spoke but most of all his love and his memories of you. He still has all of that.

And no, the people that still have their dads are not better than you or have a better heart...it has nothing to do with the kind of person you are. It was your dad's time to go and there was nothing in the way you live your life that would have changed that. Anyone that reads your posts can tell right away, you are a loving, wonderful daughter with a very good heart!

I am alot older than you and I still can't accept "that's life" and I too, still wail at how unfair it is.

[emptyinside]

Deleted.

[MartyT]

Em, you might find this thread helpful ~ and be sure to follow the links you'll find there, too:

Old Favorite Spots

[kath]

Dear Em,

I wish I could hug you and tell you it will get better, that it won't always feel this intense. It will change, but it does take time. It is obvious the love you had for each other and that is a rare and beautiful gift. When you said your dad deserved better, I think he received the best in having you for his daughter. Look at all you did for him. As a mom, it is my heart's dream to have the unconditional love of my children returned to me. To have that friendship one day will mean everything. I'm sure your wonderful dad never took it for granted, ever. We all beat ourselves up over what we missed, what we should have done, how we should have pressed harder to get them the help they needed. My son was 9 when his dad passed away. We were walking away from a football game he had just lost after playing his heart out. He said, "Mom, those kids are torturing me." I looked around, ready to stand up to anyone who would be mean to my child. I saw nothing and asked him about it. He replied, "They are walking with their dads." It broke my heart, because I couldn't take that pain away from him, he had to live through it, he had to feel it. I held his hand and I understood totally. Remembering is hard, but necessary. You are blessed to have a vivid memory. You will be able to hold the details. Have you tried writing them down? Those memories will someday be a wonderful gift to give to your mom, or your children or even yourself when you fear you are forgetting. Do you have his eyes or his smile? We know you have his ability to love completely. I believe we still see our loved ones even after they have left this earthly place. It isn't the same as when they were here, but they still comfort and remind us how being part of their life and their love, was special. You are special.

[emptyinside]

Kath, that story about your son breaks my heart. I am working on writing it all down. I don't think I can muster the strength to write it all down at the moment, but maybe in a few weeks. Thank you so much for your words.

Bsk, thanks for the book recommendation. I'll check it out.

MartyT, thanks for the links. I read them.

AnnieO, thank you. I want to drill into my head the idea that my dad still has all his memories. It is too heartbreaking to think otherwise.

[kath]

Dear Em,

I agree, it would be too difficult to write the whole story all at once. I've been documenting things as they come to mind. My mind and thoughts are too scattered to have anything organized so I have bits and pieces of our stories. I, too, feel like my son did. We all go through times where seeing someone or something feels like torture. If we didn't carry such a deep love, we wouldn't feel such a deep loss.

I'm no expert, but to me your dreams sound like wishing dreams. They have the happy ending we wish we could have had. But then, I think they may be sent from your dad. He's happy because he is no longer sick. He was healed. He is just no longer on this earth as we know it. If they bring you comfort, it is a good thing. I don't believe in reincarnation, but I have a lot of deja vu in my life.

Don't lose hope, Em. I'm glad you look like him. Now, he can be as close as your mirror. There are a lot of times I have to think about how Bob would have handled something then I try to do the same. It is nice that you carry your Dad's wisdom as well. You won't have to think so hard!

Love,

Kath

[AnnieO]

When-ever I have these types of dreams, I always find myself wondering if they are grief dreams , just normal dreams or dream visits. I know after my mom died I had several where I would see her and she looked so healthy and happy , I believe those were visits and she was letting me know she was no longer sick and in pain.

[MartyT]

Em, I'd like to recommend two books that you may find helpful. Just click on the titles below, and you'll be taken to Amazon's description and reviews of each:

Soul Shift: Finding Where the Dead Go, by Mark Ireland (Mark's dramatic story of a father’s unbearable loss and his journey to find where the dead go offers hope to the bereaved, and provides compelling evidence that death is not the end of our existence.)

Grief Dreams: How They Help Us Heal after the Death of a Loved One, by T.J. Wray (See my comments about this book here: Strange Dreams about Death)

[lucia]

I'm deeply deeply sorry for your loss, may you get the strength you need and I'll be thinking of you

*hugs*

[Guest meadowlark]

I couldn't help but empathize with where you are at. Many thoughts come to mind but what stands out for me are:

~ Those who love you never leave you

~ We are instruments of God love, I can't help but feel your wonderful Father's love is God loving you. You are so fortunate to have had such a relationship.

~ My Mom passed away 14 years ago and I still feel the love for her and some days still miss her. I am grateful to have had such a beautiful mother.

A suggestion may be to think of a way to memorialize the relationship you have with your Dad.

I just wanted to share these thoughts with you.

[emptyinside]

Thanks, MartyT and everyone. I have been on Amazon's site for a while, looking at all the book recommendations.

Meadow, thank you. Right now I am writing letters to him. I don't know what to do with them.

What if there's no afterlife? What if that's all there is? What if he can't hear me or see me now? All these negative thoughts are racing through my head.

The pain is so unbelievable now. My poor dad went through so much pain; he had so much hope he was going to make it. To tell you guys the truth, I'm not sure I can go on.

[DebFromLodi]

emptyinside: everytime i read what you write, my heart breaks for you. Please don't consider taking your life. You know there is a God and there has to be a Heaven. If you kill yourself, you will ruin any chances of ever seeing your father again. At least that is the way I was raised to believe. Have you asked for a sign from him? Just something to let you know that he is still with you. I believe God would allow that since you are going through so much hell right now. I know with me and as bad as I miss my mom, if I were able to find a job, my mind would be occupied by something other than my loss. I can't find a job so I spend alot of time home alone thinking of her and so many regrets come to mind. Are you working?

Please, when the thoughts of suicide enter your mind, ask God to take them away. Tell the devil to get out of your life and fall to your knees and ask God to help. I am not a Church goer, though I wish I was. I just know that God will be there for you when you need him the most.

I am praying for you to get through this.

[AnnieO]

Emptyinside,

I never believed in after-life until my mom died. I have had so many experiences that have convinced me, there is an afterlife and my mom and dad are with me everyday. Of course its not the way I want them to be with me, but I know they are here, especially when I need their help. You have to believe that your dad can hear you, he does not want you to take your life, that is not the answer. What about the rest of your family, they need you. I think writing the letters is a great idea. One day it you will know what to do with them. Have you been to a therapist or doctor? They might be able to help you with the anxiety/panic feelings. We have all had the feelings you are having , this stage will get better, I promise you. Just take one hour at a time, breathe, eat, drink fluids and rest.

[DebFromLodi]

AnnieO: Please share your experiences that made you believe in the after life. I would love to hear them

[emptyinside]

Deb, I have asked for a sign. I haven't received one yet.

AnnieO, yes, please do share your experiences.

I'm so pathetic. There was a man in the store that looked kind of like my dad. He was standing next to me in the aisle. For a few seconds, I pretended he was my dad, that it was he and I standing in the store shopping together like we had done a million times. It didn't make me feel better. I had to walk off because I started crying.

Why did this happen? I must be such a horrible person to be punished in this way.

[kath]

Em,

You are not pathetic. I used to see Bob's face all over the place. So did my kids. There would be someone riding a bike ahead of me; same bike, same coat, same helmet, same shape and I would race as fast as I could to catch up to see his face. It wasn't him and it was sad. Even my sister would call and tell me when she was on a walk alone, a man who looked exactly like my husband went by , smiled and said "Hello." (I told her she shouldn't be walking alone to begin with and it must have been Bob looking out for her.) My kids have seen their dad right before something exceptional has happened to them. They have come running to tell me and I couldn't see him. Is it hope? Is it a sign? Is it them? Is it wanting so bad to hold onto them? I don't know. But each time, gave me a moment's happiness and maybe that's what it is about. Even a moment, at a time like this, is heaven sent.

[emptyinside]

Kath, I'm glad your kids have those moments of seeing their dad. That sounds wonderful.

I'm losing it. Every day is worse.

[AnnieO]

This is hard. I don't want to make anyone feel bad if they haven't had signs from their loved ones. And I don't want to sound like I have gone off the deep-end! As I said ealier, I didn't believe in after-life, but after my mom died it became very hard to ignore the things I was experiencing. There were several "dream visits" , my mom gave me messages loud and clear. Most importantly, she wanted me to know she was in a better place and no longer sick. She sent me messages of love and forgiveness. My brother has been struggling with depression and anorexia, I was so afraid and felt like it was up to me to help him. My mom came to me in a dream and handed me a picture of she and my dad and told me to put it in the suitcase that was by her. I looked at the tag on the suitcase and it was my brother's. I believe it was her way of telling me they would be with my brother when he was in treatment. My son came to me one morning and said he had such a "real" dream. He was told to go in a room and wait. The door opened and it was my dad, he came in and hugged my son and told him he was okay and then wanted to hear the latest news. My son, said, " I hugged him and it felt so real". I have had 4 really powerful dreams , where I am in a room with them , can't explain the joy I feel when I wake up. Lots of thing like that. But then I had a reading with a medium, ( I know its not for everyone) My dad was the one that the medium connected with. As many of you know from past posts, I held my dad responsible for he and my mom's death. I had so much anger and rage. I took care of him the last 10 months of his life and was able to forgive him , somewhat. The medium started off by telling me my dad just kept saying 'I'm sorry, I am so sorry"..something he had never said while alive. He talked about lots of different things that made complete sense. He thanked me for taking care of my mom, he thanked me for following their wishes and not having a funeral, we had a very small memorial service, he said "that day was perfect". There was something that happened during the last hour of his life, I was the only one in the room and never told anyone about it. The medium told me my dad said 'I am sorry about what happened in the room, I know it scared you and I don't want it too, it wasn't scary to me, I wasn't seeing the things you thought I was seeing"....no-one knew anything about that moment, except my dad and I. No-one. My dad loved to mow my yard and took great pride in it. He always thought I mowed too fast. One day I was mowing and I saw my dad's image, looking out my family room window, watching me mow. I slowed down! My brother was very upset when he found out I went to a medium. He didn't want to hear any of it and warned about the devil tricking me. Months later he called me and was so shaken up. He was home alone and heard their teapot whistling, it was on high and boiling like crazy. No one was home and he had been in the shower. He was hurrying to leave and was trying to put on a watch as he walked...it was my dad's watch, he said something hit his elbow, so hard and the watch went flying . He said, "you must think I am crazy but I think it was mom and dad". I have always been "open" to these kinds of things, had many "visits" from different relatives, but always thought they were just strange dreams, but now I believe differently. Now, having said all of this, I don't want anyone to feel sad if they haven't had "signs"...their loved ones are around them. Sometimes maybe the signs are there but not always noticiable. My friend was so sad ,her mom died 3 years ago and she didn't feel like she had felt her mom around her. Now, she is going thru a really bad time and called me and told me she felt her mom, all around her, guiding her. And maybe sometimes I believe things are "signs" even when they are not, but I don't care, it makes me feel better and closer to my parents.

Now, Emptyinside, you are not pathetic and certainly not a horrible person....everyone here has lost a loved one and I know for certain we are all kind, caring, loving people, including you. We are all people who have had a horrible thing happen to us and not because of anything we did. You are not responsible for you dad's death and nothing you could have done would have changed anything.

[DebFromLodi]

Empty: My point was, if you do something to yourself you probably won't see your dad in the after life. There has to be an afterlife or what is the reason for life? Please hang on to that and keep praying for a sign. I have not really received the sign that i would like to get but i am sure i am just missing them since i am looking for something specific. Does he ever come to you in a dream? I never remember my dreams, i guess because i smoke. They say people who smoke can't remember their dreams.

I will pray that you receive a sign. I think that is what you need at this time.

[emptyinside]

Thanks very much for sharing that, Annie. That's really amazing. I'll keep praying for signs. Deb, I've had dreams of my dad.

I'm having another very, very difficult night. These are the times when I feel like ending it because the desperation is so strong.

[kath]

Dear Em,

Everything you are describing is entirely normal. You dad just died. Your heart is torn. The vivid memories, the guilt, the need to have him back is all a reaction to the deepest pain you've ever experienced. I had horrible nightmares after Bob died, things that didn't even relate to what happened or his life, and I thought I'd gone insane for sure. A counselor said it was because I was so vulnerable at the time, what I was dreaming exploited that vulnerability. Keep posting and read whatever you can get your hands on. Knowledge is power and the more I learned, the more I knew what I was going through was normal and necessary. It is not easy. But, you are here and reaching out and that ability is something to be proud of. Hold on to the little successes. You'll get through it.

I was thinking of a children's song the other day...something about going on a bear hunt. Every obstacle brought the verse, You can't go over it, you can't go around it, you gotta go through it. Grief is the same. We have to go through it. If we are lucky, we'll have friends to hold onto while we travel. That's what we are here for.

Also, I am Catholic, but I believe religion is not a pre-requisite to get into heaven. God sees hearts. Your dad loved you. Love, it's what all the commandments are based on. Buddhism has some beautiful beliefs. From what I know, they are also based on love. Your dad is safe. I hate to repeat myself, because it shows my age, but I think by the time we are given all the answers to all our questions, they will no longer be important, because by then we will be once again reunited with our loved ones.

Kath

[emptyinside]

Thank you so so so much. Yes, I'll continue posting. I need to get this energy out.

[AnnieO]

Em,

I agree, your dad is in a safe place. And all the feelings you are having are part of your grief. Have you been to a doctor? I am not an expert but the pacing and shortness of breath could be an anxiety attack. It might be helpful to see your doctor. One day all these memories you are having will be such a huge comfort to you. I know I had a period of time where my mind raced and I couldn't stop the thoughts and they were the same thing over and over...I too felt like I couldn't breathe and I couldn't stop the thoughts. I started seeing a grief therapist and she helped me thru that part, she told me it was important for me to be able to stop my thought process when it became "obssessive"... and to learn relaxation techniques. Just an idea.

And maybe your dream wasn't just a dream. Maybe your dad is telling you he is okay and he didn't leave you, he is around you just in a different way. When my mom died we were told we had 3-4 months with her. The next day after we were told that, she said "I can't do this anymore" closed her eyes and died 14 hours later. Maybe it was your dad's time to go, no matter what hospital he was at, you cannot blame yourself for this. I did not know your dad, but know he would not want you to end your life. When you are having those desperate times and those thoughts come into you mind, think about what that would do to your dad and your family. You are not alone and you will get thru this... I used to break the day into 3 hour sections. I would just focus on three hours and surviving those 3 hours...I would try to eat something, rest and get something done on my list. Sounds strange, but it helped. Hang in there.