A Newcomer Who Would Give Anything Not To Be

[heartbroken]

I lost my husband to cancer on the 7th of November. We found out he had cancer on the 26th of September. He had stomach cancer and they said he had had it for two years, but there were no symptoms. It was six weeks from start to finish. We had no idea it would be so fast. For the last three weeks he was out of it. He didn't know where he was or who anyone was.

He had one surgery on the 26th (exploratory). A week later, he had surgery again trying to fix things. This one created a bowel blockage which made it impossible to get food down by mouth or his feeding tube. His weight dropped to the point that he looked like the pictures of hollocost victims. All the fluids in his body went to his abdomen. We had to buy large pants so he could go to the doctor.

A week later, on a Wednesday, he had his first and only chemo. The next day, they drained his fluids which dehydrated him and put him in the hospital emergency room. They put him in ICU where he stayed for the last two weeks of his life. He was not concious of any of that. I stayed with him night and day. I was afraid not to be there. The nurses kept making serious mistakes. It seemed that all I did during this time was fight nurses, doctors, and the hospital. I couldn't do anything that helped. I just had to watch my precious husband's life slip away. I thought that was the hardest thing I could ever do. I was so wrong. At least then I could look at him and hold his hand.

He didn't realize he was going to die so quickly. I have spent this month going through papers, familiarizing myself with all our finances, dealing with insurance, social security, and our broker. It has kept me busy most of the time--but not all of the time. I have what I have named the "whooshes".

They will hit at any time. I will suddenly realize he is really gone. My stomach will drop to the floor, and my chest constricts and I have to work at breathing.

It seems the longer I go, the worse the pain gets. I just break down and cry at the drop of a hat. My work gave me two months leave. I hope that is enough. The holidays are not making this better. I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide. The thing is that I can't hide from the pain. I always thought I could imagine what people went through. I had no idea. How can you hurt so much and not bleed? Half of my soul has been ripped out.

[lyn]

Please hang in there Heartbroken. I am very sorry for your loss.

Indeed, it is a long and difficult journey. There are lots of compassionate and caring people on this site. They have made my journey much bearable.

I seldom post now but my heart still breaks everytime I read a newcomer's post. I feel your pain because I have travelled that road too. We will be here for you.

I will be praying for your peace and healing.

[carrieboo]

I am so sorry for your loss....pain like this does hurt terribly, and makes you feel so empty inside. Don't feel you have to fulfill any normal obligations over the holidays, if you feel like pulling the covers over your head, then go for it. But anytime you need to vent or know whether what your going through is normal, or (if your like me) don't feel like talking to someone in person about your pain, you can do it here...there is much support for you here, anytime.

[MartyT]

Dear One,

We all are so very sorry for your loss, and I hope you can feel our arms around you right now. You most certainly are not alone here. When you can do so, you may want to read the posts in this thread: New to Group

[kayc]

Heartbroken,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. If it means anything, you don't have to do the holidays, ignore them, skip them, handle them any way you want and give yourself permission to. This is the hardest time in your life and however you can get through it should be understood by your friends and family. If not, come on line here, we understand.

I lost my sweet husband 3 1/2 years ago to a sudden heart attack, he was barely 51. I made the mistake of remarrying and am now in the middle of a divorce, so I am feeling the loss all over again. One thing you will notice about this site is that this is a group of people that understand and care for each other and it has been a lifesaver not only to myself, but to the others who come here as well. Please continue to post, it helps to get your feelings out.

KayC

Edited December 9, 2008 by kayc

[shhh65]

Heartbroken,

I am so very sorry you have had to seek this group out. Hang on, post when you can and read what others are posting. I joined this group last January after my husband died unexpectantly in our back yard on December 22nd. I didn't post anything for quite a while but having this site to come to and read helped me know I was not alone. Keep taking it one minute at a time knowing that others are here praying for you and everyone here.

Sherry

[LarrysGirl]

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a wonderful group of people who are going thru the grief journey, some new and some of us further down the road. When you feel one of your "whooshs" coming on, sit down and write here if you can. Just share with us, we understand. Its the hardest thing you will ever have to go thru and you need support. We know exactly what you are talking about. Take it very slow and take care of yourself, Deborah

[JeanneC]

Heartbroken:

I am so sorry that you lost your husband so soon. Right now things are overwhelming for you. Belive me it does get easier. It will be six months at the end of December since I lose my Alex. I am not going to say that the grieving completely goes away. I haven't gotten to years of being without my husband, but the coping of putting your life in order; like all the paperwork you have to do will definitely get better. You will realize that you will get stronger when you sit down and think that things do have to get done. But take it slow. Take time for yourself. Make sure you eat right and rest. You do not have to do everything all at once and right away.

Just remember that we are all here for you. We are all in the same situation going through our own grieving process. Some have lost their spouses a while ago and are dealing with it a little better than others. But there is no definite time table for grieving.

Please be sure to come back and post at any time.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[marsha]

Heartbroken- I am so sorry for the loss of your husband! I can tell you that I know what you have been through - for me, it was diagnosis in March, and Joe died July 1. You feel, Lord please let him out of this suffering - then it happens, and the loss is unbearable. Joe had billiary duct cancer, so rare it's terminal by the time it's diagnosed - so his liver was basically shot. He blew up to 225 pounds (he was normally about 180), then dropped to 120 - in 2 months. A nightmare. No, we had no idea of what to expect - and what would happen next. You are normal in your grief, and in your feelings! I'm glad you found this site of loving people just questing, living and learning -there's so much here that will make you feel like you're not alone in this journey - we all get it. Please be gentle on yourself - Peace, Marsha

[marsha]

Deborah - how are you doing?? I'm thinking of you - Marsha

[PattyAnn]

Dear Heartbroken,

May I add my deepest condolences for the loss of your dear husband.

After the death of my husband (cancer) I felt like one of those crash dummies that had just hit head on into a brick wall. Right now you are probably feeling totally exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. Let close friends and family help carry you until you can feel stronger. Take care of your health the best you can (I should talk...I ate cookies over the sink at dinner time because I was too exhausted to cook for myself.)

I wish I could hide under the covers with you and tell you what a wonderful job you did for your husband. You gave it your all. I think he knew you were there for him and did your very best. Give yourself credit for that.

Each one of us that have been through the death of our spouse reach out to you with our hearts. Know we all care about your pain and loss. Please post often...we will respond and walk with you down this path that none of us chose to walk.

Pat

Edited December 10, 2008 by PattyAnn

[fred]

Dear Heartbroken, I am so very sorry that you have had to join us, we all certainly know the meaning of the name you have chosen for yourself. There is little that I can add to the wise words you have received from others in this extended family of ours. Please do as they say and step back from the holidays if you need to do so. This time is all about you, your needs. It may be difficult to understand now, but you are already beginning to realize that you have very little control over your emotions and reactions during this time. It will also be some time before you are able to begin to put yourself back together again, so for the moment the only thing you can do is to be very, very good to yourself (try to eat and rest when you can) and not to push yourself forward at all. We will all be here for you at any time of the day or night, so stop in as often as the need arises. Just remember to care for yourself.

[kath]

Dear Heartbroken,

I, too, am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband. You are with friends who understand all too well how horrible this all feels. Don't fret the tears, they help remove toxins from the body and I learned there really isn't any way to stop them anyway. I echo the rest in asking you to take care of yourself. Eat and get plenty of fluids, rest when you can. If people offer help, let them shop, shovel, lend a shoulder, whatever you can think of. You are so very new to this, I pray that you will feel our love and care as we work together to help you through it.

Kath

[MikeC]

Dear heartbroken,

I'll reiterate what others have already said: you are among friends who understand your pain and will treat you with love and compassion. Come here whenever you feel the need to cry or scream or whatever. It won't be long before someone will hear you and come to help. Take care of yourself.

Mike

[emptyinside]

I'm sorry. I'm new to the forum. I lost my father suddenly (had to buy big shoes because his feet swelled up). I get the whoosh feeling, too. I cry constantly, and I wonder how in the world it can hurt so much without a physical wound. It has got to be a mistake.

Edited December 10, 2008 by emptyinside

[heartbroken]

I'm sorry. I'm new to the forum. I lost my father suddenly (had to buy big shoes because his feet swelled up). I get the whoosh feeling, too. I cry constantly, and I wonder how in the world it can hurt so much without a physical wound. It has got to be a mistake.

I am so sorry you lost your dad and that you are also going through all these feelings. I wish no one would ever have to feel this pain. Maybe we can help each other through this.

God Bless You,

Heartbroken

[missingcharlie]

Heartbroken - We are VERY glad that you have found us. We absolutely are here to help you get through this. We all range in different times of loss - I'm thinking I might be the furthest along, at this point. I've now been without my beloved husband, Charlie, for just over 4 years. I CAN tell you that in time things will seem better, but for now just take one second at a time.

When I was reading your post, it brought back memories. Charlie was diagnosed with cancer on September 27, 2004 and he was gone on November 16, 2004. He was 46 years old. As you said, we had no idea it would go that quickly. He, too, spent his last 25 days in ICU, but he was totally conscious and new everything that was happening until the last 2 days. (I would rather it have gone quickly than to see him suffer for a long time!) He, too, was absolutely the love of my life and my soulmate. As I said, it's been 4 years and I still can't bring myself to date anyone. I know that's what Charlie wants me to do because he told me he wanted me to find someone,someday, and be happy again - I just don't think I have it in me....I loved HIM and want to be with HIM, not someone else.

My heart goes out to you. No one should have to go through this - just remember that there are others that are with you! US!!! As the others, here, have said - any time you need to talk or vent or comfort, we're here. Just keep coming here and we will all get through this together.

Take care of yourself!!

Hugs to you.

Patti

[teny]

Dear friend Im so sorry you had to join us but believe this gruop has been a great help and support.Your story is so like mine >MY husband Yiany has been diagnosed the 20 of oct and died the 2 of Nov.He had liver cancer.It has been 2 years now hard to believe and I know the hurt.Do you have relatieves children close friends?My family gave me supportand my far away family posting at this site gave me hope to get going.TENY