How Can Anyone Live Like This?

[NotCoping]

Less than two weeks ago is when I lost my husband. I'm miserable and alone and I have no idea what to do.

[mlg]

Right now you just exist. You eat, drink and sleep and just make it through a day. Then you wake the next morning and start all over.

In the near future you're going to have to put some things in order. You will have to pay bills, buy groceries,etc. You just do what makes you feel good for right now. It is all about you and don't let anyone make you feel bad for that. I don't know the circumstances of your husbands death but no matter what at some point you will go through the what could I have done, what should I have done, what would I have done. I call it the coulda, woulda, shoulda syndrome and no matter how much you did you'll probably go through this.

I'm glad you found this site and there will be times when you'll just read and times when you wonder if it's the right spot because when someone new joins us most of us go back to the beginning for a little bit and get sad again. Then you come to that first time you post something that you think maybe helped someone and some healing takes place.

I hope you have some friends and family to help you through this but if not we are your family too. You may find that people desert you like you have leporsy. Know that you are not alone in that either, many of us have gone through it.

So for now just take care of you and if you have questions, just ask. There is NOTHING you can't say here.

[marsha]

NotCoping - please listen to Mary Linda, she has excellent advice. Right now you just need to take it one minute at a time, no more. Your body and mind are in shock, and you need just to take care of yourself. I know what you're thinking - I can't do it. You can do it, and I can speak from experience - I'm alone, too - no kids and no husband. Please PM me any time; and please continue to come here - these are wise, and understanding people that have been where you are now. Peace and hugs, Marsha

[NotCoping]

Thank you both. It's nice to know someone understands. I do feel like a leper or something. After last weekend, the email, the phone calls and people dropping by just stopped. My husband had cancer surgery several years ago and died of complications and beginning the second week of November, he started getting worse. He was in ICU for a week before he left. I'm still waking up at 2AM and not getting back to sleep, having trouble keeping food down and crying all the time.

[marsha]

We DO so understand - i'm on this website every day, and gone back to past posts to see where some of the members have started, and where they are now. This path is one all of us never wanted, couldn't imagine - but here we are. People ask me how I'm doing, and I say, "I don't know - I've never been through this before." And it's true. But those of us here, no matter what age, or what situation our dear ones died of, have a common thread - we lost the loves of our lives. And we all get it. So--what's your real name, so we can address you personally? Hugs, Marsha

[LarrysGirl]

I'm so sorry for your loss. There isn't anything to do right now except survive this. Your mind, heart and body aren't able to process all of this yet so the best advice is to rest, rest, breathe and know you will make it through with time. All of us here, understand, will listen and share and hopefully help you along the way. Deborah

[NotCoping]

My real name is Melanie. Everybody calls me Mel. Thanks again for your help. I just don't know what else to do. I can't watch TV, can't play music. I do have a dog and I make myself walk him everyday. He is hurting as well.

[karenb]

I'm very sorry, Mel. It's so extremely tough....just go with your feelings, try to eat, sleep - just do whatever you need to get through the day. There are many things you'll experience, each to their own ways of dealing with this tremendous loss. Just try. We're always here for you all the time. Please take care.

Your friend, Karen

[LarrysGirl]

Mel, I have our two dogs and they missed him terribly. They kept watching the door just like me, for him to come home. I know you are hurting and miserable, its so very hard. I hope you feel less alone knowing that we will respond if you need someone to listen. Deborah

[NotCoping]

I just don't understand what other people must be thinking. I don't want to be here alone, but no one calls, and the emails I had last week where people said were going to stop by - no one ever did. I know it's the holidays and people are busy, but I'm not thinking about them. I will end up here with my dog on Christmas - that will push me over the edge if I'm not there already I do have friends coming for the weekend next weekend, but they live a far distance, so I can't just go to their house and stay or vice versa.

What are they thinking? Why would they think anyone would want to be alone after what happened?

Mel

[Rosemary T]

Melanie,

I also lost my husband and have no children. My husband died of a massive heart attack last January. I did not eat or sleep for days and lost about 30 lbs. Besides looking and feeling like death warmed over, it has taken everything for me to simply get up. Our animals feel the loss very strongly; my vet says they actually grieve as much or more than we do they just show it much differently.

Keeping checking in here and write whatever you want, whenever you want. Don't worry about sounding wierd or offending anyone. We understand! Sleep whenever you can. Walk your dog alot! It is good for both of you and will give you an appetite and help you sleep.

Talk to you soon!

Rosemary

One more quick note, Melanie. I did not want anyone around me for days after Lou died and even now there are few people I want to be with and then only on my terms and only for awhile. We are all different. Some people stay away because they don't want to intrude. Others stay away because they are afraid of your grief and feel helpless and don't know what to say or do. Others are simply selfish and don't care.

Keep in touch with us for some company. Take your time with everything; be extra gentle with yourself. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Rosemary

[kayc]

Mel,

I am so sorry you lost your husband. This is the hardest thing in the world to go through, but you don't have to go it alone, we're here and we've all been through it. Try to just get through today without giving a lot of thought to tomorrow...today is enough for right now. Come on line here and post whenever you want, there's always someone that will listen and answer if not right that moment, within a few hours. I'm glad you're walking your dog, it's important to take care of yourself and I'm glad you're considering your dog's feelings too, they grieve too and don't know how to express it. I think people don't know how to respond so they just don't, we've gone through that too...it's not right, but it just is. Try to keep busy if it helps and be kind to yourself.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

KayC

[NotCoping]

Thanks for all the help. I'm exhausted for no reason...I've not done anything today, so I'm going to bed and I'll probably be up at 2AM

Your comments are helping...I don't even know how or what I feel right now, but in my heart where my husband lives, I know they are helping.

My husband had a Klatskin tumor in his bile duct - rare and was given a 50 per cent chance of making it through the surgery. He had a 10 per cent chance of making it after five years. He made it almost 7 years. I am grateful for every second. I just hope he knows that.

[fred]

He knows that Melanie. The only thing that I can remember helping at all at the stage you are in are the hugs. We trade them here by using parentheses. Here are a couple for you (()). Just do the best you can for right now. Sleep when you can and try to eat to keep up your strength.

[mlg]

I think that all of us have that gut wrenching feeling like someone shot a big hole in us or tore everything out of the center of us. Sometimes I feel like it is getting bigger instead of smaller

My husband was the oldest of 12 and for the most part they deserted me before 24 hours after his death. One of them told my daughter she'd never be able to come back to my house because there were too many memories. We had a benefit in memory of him and none of them helped and then all went to ones house for supper and didn't invite me. I haven't had as many as 10 phone calls or emails in 11months from them asking how I'm doing. So when you don't hear from people know that you have company here. Most of us have been through it.

Just do the surviving minute to minute and then hour to hour and day to day. It's not easy and it's not fun and you'll get sick of people saying you're doing so well. You just want to scream, "Come home with me at night and see how well I'm NOT doing". If you cry you're a baby, if you try to act "normal" , you don't need them because you're doing OK.

I don't know if they have a grief support group near you but I have found that helps me most of the time too and I've made some good friends that I can cry in front of and not feel bad.

Now get some much earned sleep and start the whole process over again in the morning.