Just When You Thought It Couldn't Get Worse

[heartbroken]

I lost my husband to cancer last month. It has been almost six weeks. I'm not getting better, but I am learning to deal with it minute to minute. Certain things set me off worse than others. I get angry when I see married couples shopping together. I get upset because I wonder why they get to keep their husband, and mine was taken. I know that is unreasonable and not at all nice, but I feel it just the same. I can't listen to music because that makes me break down. So many little things can cause me to just crumble.

Last night, I learned that my mother has breast cancer. I just keep wanting to scream, "Why?" What did I do to deserve this?!! It is so unfair. I know that everything is not all about me, but right now it seems like it is. They say that God doesn't give us more than we can deal with. That is a lie! It was a lie when my husband died, and it is a bigger lie now!!

Heartbroken

[MartyT]

Dear One,

As you travel this journey of grief, you will discover many of the things that "they" say just don't ring true to you anymore ~ and until someone has walked a mile in your shoes, no one can tell you how you "should" or "shouldn't" be feeling about any of this.

As for how you feel when you see married couples together, I can assure you that this is normal. While my son and his wife battled infertility for over a decade, it seemed to me that every young couple I knew was either pregnant or having a baby. Where was the fairness in that?! The fact is that, when we are in mourning, we are super sensitized to what we have lost and to what others still have ~ and we may also resent the fact that others don't even see or appreciate that they have what we have lost! When we are in the depths of grief, we see the world through a mourner's lenses. Our feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad, and they may not seem very rational to other people ~ but we cannot always control what we feel. (Certainly we can control what we do with what we feel, in the sense that we usually can control how we behave on the outside, in spite of what we may be feeling on the inside.)

Often the best thing we can do with our feelings is simply to acknowledge them, accept them, experience them, examine them against the light of day, disclose them to others whom we can trust not to pass judgment on us (such as the dear people on this Web site), work our way through them, and then let them go. Feelings that are stuffed, on the other hand, can get us into trouble emotionally and wreak havoc on our bodies (headaches, ulcers, etc.). Often it takes more energy to stuff or ignore or deny our feelings than it does just to acknowledge them as understandable under the circumstances and accept them. When we "own" our feelings without judging ourselves for feeling the way we do, it's amazing how those feelings eventually pass and dissipate.

[dpodesta]

In the begining, I thought the same thing, that God was giving me more than I could handle. As time went on I found that I had a closer relationship with God than I ever did before. I can't even begin to explain why things happen the way they to do or why they happen so close together. All I do know is that there is nothing we have done to deserve what has happened to us. God has his reasons and he sees the whole picture where as we only see a very small part of it. It has been 2 1/2 years for me now and I have learned to start living life again I know that is what Karen would want me to do. I will admit it isn't easy, especially around family get togethers whith my sisters and their families. To be once again the one by him self with my son. To be the one helping in the kitchen now where Karen would help cook. Just keep coming here and wee will help you get through this.

Love always

Derek

[WendyJ]

Heartbroken,

Well I think if you read back on my past posts you may find one just like yours. I had 3 major losses all within a years time and my mother being diagnosed with lung cancer, which she had finished with treatment and now it is back again so she is starting all over. I certainly know how you feel, this year I am just trying to get through the Holidays. I have all my friends and family to support me and with all my disappointments this year also I know somehow I will get through this, but it hurts so bad, worse than most people know. People tell me that I have now lost my spark, my funny sense of humor, that I have lost me but I hope in time to show them I will return, and so will you...we will get through this...one step at a time.

Love, Wendy

[NotCoping]

I feel exactly the same way. It has only been two and a half weeks for me, and I feel like I'm just going to wither away. My dog was sick this morning; I was sick this morning and I just don't know when or if this gets better. People on this site say it will improve, but I can't see that right now. I've always heard that same thing - that God won't put more on you than you can stand. I just don't see how that's true either. I look back at events in my life that hurt me or upset me terribly, and none of them matter now. I just keep asking "what was I thinking?" I've also always heard that when bad things happen, they happen to prepare you for something bigger. That's not true either. Nothing could have prepared me for this. Besides, if that were true, what in the world is this trying to prepare me for?

[marsha]

Mel and Heartbroken- Not being prepared for this? I hear you loud and clear. For me it was like 24 years married? blink, not any more, and here I am. We are seeing our loss through mourner's lenses, as I think Marty said recently. It's very true - I feel like I go to work and talk to people, and then I come home and here is where I am really me. Believe it - posting here with all of your feelings, no matter how bizarre, or strange as it may seem to you, will help. Although I have loving friends and family, they don't know - they just don't understand - but I didn't, either, until my husband died in my arms. Wendy and Derek have been on this site a lot longer than me; trust in what they say to you. Peace to all of you, Marsha

[MikeC]

Dear Heartbroken,

I had a lot of "preparation" - before Janet died I lost three brothers, all relatively young, my mother and my father. Add up all the grief from those deaths and it doesn't come close to the grief I feel from losing Janet. It is terribly cruel that you have additional problems heaped on you. There are several other good people on this forum who are also dealing with difficult challenges right now. They must have incredible strength to handle it. I wish you and your mother the strength you need, too.

Mike

[kayc]

Heartbroken,

I'm not sure anything can prepare you for this...nor do I look for reasons for everything happening...some things may happen for a reason, some things seem to be random. I only know it just is and I have to deal with it. The way you are feeling is entirely normal. You will get through this although some days you may wonder.

You're in our thoughts...

KayC

[WendyJ]

Oh Mike you never told me you lost so many family members in the past, I am so sorry to hear this. But yes you are right, none compares to the loss of a spouse or companion, it is a much different kind of grief. Yes some of us are going through some difficult and painful challenges right now but with the help of good people like you and the rest in this group we will get through them. Thank You !

Heartbroken you are getting better, you just don't see it yet as it is a very slow process, this group will help you with that so keep coming here whenever you need to.

Love, Wendy

[heartbroken]

I don't understand it, but after I read your replies, I feel better. Usually, I cry while I'm reading them, but I feel better. Maybe it is because you have all gone through what I am going through, and I can hear it in your messages. This was my second time to post, but I will again. I cannot begin to tell you how much this means to me. Thank you.

[Ployd]

Heartbroken

I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my husband to cancer, a year ago at Thanksgiving. I did cry just now reading your note. I really feel what your going through. I would get angry and take long drives. As I told everyone else, I worked long hours, I would come home and clean, just as long as I was doing something. People kept telling me it would get better, I also had a bad habit of hiding my emotions. I found out that wasn't such a good idea. Cry and let it out, scream if you have to. I still miss my husband very much especially now, this close to Christmas. Just recently, I got a phone call from a local hospital about a bill from 2007. The lady went on and on I finally told her my husband died last year and she should work this out with my Insurance Co. I got off the phone and just started crying.

Please know that I am thinking about you and you are in my prayers.

Hugs

Paula

[Rosemary T]

Hi,

Glad you are feeling better. Just want you to know that I remember feeling EXACTLY the same thing when I first started posting. I hate to tell you but I am at 325 days and I still have those feelings on a number of occasions. The feeling of loss and anger and despair are so heavy that the feeling is actually physical. There are times when I feel as though I am going to literally break from the weight of it. It is during those times that I actually ask God, "what are you keeping me here for? This has no purpose; what in the heck are you doing?" Isn't that something; me questioning the almighty, omnipotent God? But I do and I am betting you do too! Thank goodness he has infinite patience!

Keep praying, and taking care of yourself. Come here and talk to us and read our posts. Whether you like it or not, time keeps going by. Everyone else goes on and we just seem to stay in one spot (the really bad spot) but every once in awhile we look around, realize that time has gone by for us too, and that we are healing. Sometimes it makes us feel even sadder but it also gives us a tiny smidgen of hope.

We understand. Take care!

Rosemary

[mlg]

Heartbroken

I am so sorry you have to go through this. While I am glad we are here to help "newbies" it is hard to see them hurt like we did. You will have mountains of emotions and you just have to flow with them. Don't be too harsh on yourself and as we'll all tell you just take baby steps right now and pretty soon they will turn in to full steps, but then you may step backwards for a while.

Like Paula, at first I kept really busy. Couldn't sit still for 5 seconds but now I'm going the opposite way. I don't really care if I get out of bed or not and it weren't for my job I might not get up or dressed. My house was DIRTY for the first time in a long time and I didn't care. It has been messy before but this time it was dirty, but you know I have that dreaded disease of MY SPOUSE DIED and nobody comes to see you so why bother. The other day I finally got one room totally cleaned so maybe I'm on my way again. I don't know and" frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

The holidays are yucky this year and I really don't care if they are here or not. I'm trying to give them some purpose and "adopted" a little boy from my daughter's class and his sister and got them presents so mom and dad would have something to give them. Took a name of a person at the nursing home and got them something. Would much rather give to people who don't have anybody rather than people who don't need it.

Like you, people keep saying it will get better, but I think it may be getting worse right now. I don't know if it's because of the holidays or what.

You take care and remember this is all so new. The people here are really good listeners and you will be surprised a month from now when you have probably written something that will help someone else, how different you feel. It just takes that first time and even though things still really hurt there is a mellowing.

[teny]

I read every single word all of you are posting I just feel the pain and if I was able to expres my feelings using words in english I wuold say everything you say .It has been 2 years for me and days like this I feel the grief as strong as it has started .Holidays are here but in Athens violence fear anger burning shops so smoke and tear gas is the christmas decoration.I had hope that sales for gifts were going to be better but instead sales have droped 80%.I worked long hours to prepare my shop it was good beeing busy its kind of therapy even though I was very tired when time came to go to bed I can not sleep without taking a pill.Whys and ifs are always troubling my mind some times I feel angy that he did not take good care of himself and he left me with a broken forever heart.In Athens at the window of a bank a poster says ,< MERRY CRISIS AND HAPPY NEW FEAR> well I do hope ite not going to be like this.Your far away friend TENY.

[shhh65]

Heartbroken,

There doesn't seem to be an answer to this question. But you are not alone in asking it. I think we all have. I know I have questioned my faith but I also know that God is always there waiting to comfort me when I'm ready to let Him. I'm praying for you as a I pray for us all...that God will grant us the strength to get through this day.

Hugs,

[kayc]

Heartbroken,

Everyone has expressed what is in my heart to say already, but I want you to know we are here to go through this with you and everyone here has been through it and understands. There is a Bible verse that says there is nothing new under the sun, and I think that is true about grief too...we feel isolated and think no one understands, but there are others that have been and are going through it too and we are not alone in our feelings.

Teny,

I have been wondering how it is there and am sorry to hear it continues...I can only pray it stops and for protection on you and your shop. I hope sales pick up, you do such beautiful work. I understand what you mean about your work being good therapy...it is good to have something to occupy our time and give us purpose, sometimes too much thinking is hard.

With love,

KayC