fred Posted December 25, 2008 Report Share Posted December 25, 2008 I hope this day of special meaning to many finds you faring as well as can be expected. We have witnessed each other wrestling with the whole spectrum of emotion and seen it intensify as the holidays have approached. While it may be many years before we once again find joy at this time of year, I can promise you that life will someday get easier. Grief is a time of focus on ourselves, our pain, our loss. It is a time of focus on the one we lost, their dreams and unfinished plans. A time to think of our relationship to that special one and all we meant to each other; the love we shared and promises we made. As difficult as it may sound, it is also a time to think of others. What is it that we need to share with them, what have we learned by this loss that everyone should know. For almost all of us, this is a journey, an experience far more difficult than anything we have ever had to endure. For myself, it is often very painful to check back in here with my online family. The arrival of each new member sends me right back to the beginning, to live my loss all over again. But yet, it would be inhuman for me to walk away from the group and to leave the work of compassion and comfort to everyone else. It is my responsibility as a survivor approaching the second anniversary of my wife`s death to give back all that was given to me when I arrived. Only those of us that have lived through the trauma of losing the best we ever had are able to relate to the depth of this pain. In the same way I feel that it is also my obligation to try to convey to the world outside this one a hint of what this life is like. I owe this to my wife, who had so much joy in life and shared with everyone. I owe this to all of the people I care so much about. At sometime everyone will have to go through this, or if they are lucky, maybe they will only have to comfort some unfortunate other that must walk in our shoes. Who else can dispel these myths of ¨you`ll get over it¨, ¨the first year is the hardest¨, ¨it is time to move on¨ and so many others. If you are spending this day alone, either by choice or circumstance, please take a minute to reflect on this. I have noticed that so many people seem to be afraid that I will be alone today. I will not be, but I would not find it at all upsetting if that were the case. I have wondered if they worry that I would be depressed to spend the day alone, or worry that I might prefer it. Depression is a part of grief, or ¨you are not really depressed if you have something to be sad about¨. This question of how our friends feel about our solitude might be something else to reflect on today. However you are spending this day, please accept my love, hugs and prayers for all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dusky Posted December 25, 2008 Report Share Posted December 25, 2008 Fred,What a beautiful message. This is a difficult time of the year - but somehow we seem to make it through each year. Your words were very comforting and caring and real. It's that "obligation to try to convey to the world outside this one a hint of what this life is like" that keeps me coming back to this site and the strength to go on. It's that - as you say - "responsibility as a survivor" that drives the one that remains forward.You have done a beautiful job of expressing the meaning of this journey we are all on.My best to you and all the wonderful people on this site.John - Dusky is my handle on hereLove you Jack - and Dusky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosemary T Posted December 25, 2008 Report Share Posted December 25, 2008 Fred, Thanks so much for posting. It is good to hear from others who are in the same boat and you expressed what all of us feel so well!I am one of those who chose to be by myself for most of the Holiday and don't regret it at all! I am also amused at the number of people that seem concerned by this "aloneness". I have been alone for 331 days now; today is no different to me. I thought it would be but it is not. I realize this is not the case for others in our group whose grief is newer and "fresher". We are all different yet so much alike! I wish the best to everyone on this site and appreciate all the sharing that brings us closer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlg Posted December 25, 2008 Report Share Posted December 25, 2008 Dusky, how right you are. The outside world has no clue and doesn't want to. Tom's sister's said they lost their brother and best friend and they need to grieve in their own way and don't I have other friends? I can accept that their grief is different than mine but what do they think I lost, chop liver? He was not just my best friend, lover, father of my children, he was my WHOLE life. I would have died for him. Not one of them has been to my house since we did the thank you notes which was more than 10 months ago. They said they just can't because there are too many memories. I thought he was nuts when 4 months after we had new wills made he wanted a different lawyer to make a new one for him. We get some money from trusts in his family and this lawyer drew up the trusts and he wanted to make sure his family didn't SCREW me. I guess he was looking out for me once again.Enough sadness and griping, hope every one has the best day that they can. Merry Christmas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted December 25, 2008 Report Share Posted December 25, 2008 Fred - You did it again! You said exactly what I've been thinking, especially these past few days. Like Rosemary, I'm alone by choice. I've also reflected on friends' concern about me being alone, and come to the conclusion that although I am grateful that they're thinking of me, a lot of it is their (probably unrealized) fears and concerns about themselves. But that's ok - I just need to understand where others are coming from, and separate it out from my own true feelings. What I need is validation of my grief - and you've just helped me out with that. What I try and hope to do is reach out to others on this same journey to validate their grief, as well - and I hope I'm doing that, if just a little. A peaceful day to all, Love, Marsha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 25, 2008 Report Share Posted December 25, 2008 To all of my forum friends,My greatest hope is that however you choose to spend this day, that it will not just be a day of pain and loss, but also a day with an added degree of thankfulness for what we DO have...for those family and friends that care for you, for jobs/income, for the caring people here on this site that understand.I love you all,KayC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeC Posted December 25, 2008 Report Share Posted December 25, 2008 Fred,Thank you for posting this beautiful, thoughtful message of encouragement. I am not alone today - my two sons are here and I am fixing Christmas dinner for them. We are trying our hardest to be positive today, but to be honest I am having a difficult time. It is the six-month anniversary of Janet's death. I want to put her picture at her place at the table at dinner time, but I am reluctant to do so because of the effect it may have on my sons.Thanks again to you, Fred, and to all my friends here who have helped me so much over the last few months. I hope you all manage to find peace and joy today and in the days ahead.Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted December 25, 2008 Report Share Posted December 25, 2008 Mike - how great that you're making dinner, so what's on the menu?? It must be incredibly hard, but hopefully you and your sons will find some solace - it's going to be six months next week for me, too. Peace, Marsha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeC Posted December 25, 2008 Report Share Posted December 25, 2008 Marsha,Here is a link to photos with a picture of my sons at the dinner table just before we ate. If you look closely you can see Janet's picture at her place at the table. The menu included a pork tenderloin that was stuffed with bread stuffing, mashed potatoes, rolls, corn, salad, and an apple pie which we are still too full to eat. We started with a toast to Janet. It was a little tearful but we managed to get through it. The one entitled Blessed Assurance was taken at Janet's memorial in PA the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I am the bald guy playing guitar.Christmas Dinner 2008Blessed AssuranceJanet & Mike April 2008Janet Christmas 2005Janet Christmas Eve 2007Janet Christmas PastI moved the photos from Geocities to PhotoBucket. Maybe the links will work now!Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted December 25, 2008 Report Share Posted December 25, 2008 Mike - the gremlins wouldn't let me get on your photo page, but i'll try again later. Your menu sounds yummy, and you did good today, friend. Marsha (p.s. - ok, i'll look for the bald guy) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeC Posted December 26, 2008 Report Share Posted December 26, 2008 Marsha, I created a PhotoBucket page and fixed the links - they should work now. I included some pictures from past Christmases and one of Janet and me a couple of months before she died. By the way, the apple pie was very good, too (even if I did bake it myself). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shhh65 Posted December 26, 2008 Report Share Posted December 26, 2008 Fred,My youngest sister who has loved Harry since she was 6 years old just told me a few days ago how much she is hurting and she has felt like I think I'm the only one who misses him. That really upset me. I love my family dearly and I knew they were hurting but as I told her I haven't had the strength to help myself let alone anyone else and maybe I have been selfish in my grief and I'm sorry for hurting her. One thing I have learned this past year is that there are no right or wrong feelings. They are yours and you are entitled to them. I'm glad my sister was finally able to express what apparently she had been holding back for several months. It got it out in the open and we were able to talk about it. That same night was our family Christmas party at this same sister's home. We held a memorial ceremony to honor Harry and each of us spoke about him and a special memory we had of him. It was a moment of acknowledging the grief of every member of our family and I think a great healing took place that night. Your post talked about sharing our experiences. I'm not all that good at expressing myself but I hope in posting this it helps someone else here. Mike,Thanks for sharing the pictures of your dear Janet and sons. Although it was difficult for you today, I'm sure your efforts meant a great deal to your them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fred Posted December 26, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 26, 2008 Wow Mike, Beautiful photographs, what a wonderful family. I am delighted your boys were okay with having Janet`s picture on the table, and what an incredible feast you prepared, everything looks delicious (even on my own full stomach). The Orthodox Christians have a tradition of setting an extra place at the dinner table for those that couldn`t make it to dinner or for those that have gone on ahead. That way if they show up, we are prepared, if not, at least they may know we haven`t forgotten them. Warm thanks to all of our special friends who have made this day so much more pleasant and tolerable than it could have been. Love to all. (( )) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlg Posted December 26, 2008 Report Share Posted December 26, 2008 MikeI really enjoyed the pictures. She was a lovely lady even when she was bald. It just feels good to put faces to the people on here too. I'm still not sure how I got my picture on here let alone do what you did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kath Posted December 26, 2008 Report Share Posted December 26, 2008 I just want to add my Merry Christmas to all of you also. I was able to spend a quiet day with my kids. My daughter played trumpet at morning mass (her debut performance!) There wasn't a prouder mom in the pews. We then went and saw Marley and Me at the theatre and came home to play WII games and hang out. Our dinner was Christmas Tacos...some red and green in there always looks so festive and no pressure in preparation whatsoever!Mike, I loved seeing the photos of your beautiful family. Thank you for sharing. Fred, your words and wisdom are always appreciated.Something new I had never thought of came from the morning sermon. Jesus was born in a manger; a trough, a source of food and sustenance. You have all been the mouth and heart of Jesus for me this year. You have fed me, nourished me and given me a voice in all that I've gone through. I can't thank you enough for being here and for your kind words, your care and your understanding. You've demonstrated courage, compassion and love. I can't say it enough, you are the best!All my best,Kath Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosemary T Posted December 26, 2008 Report Share Posted December 26, 2008 Wow! What a great idea Mike had about providing the links to the photos! It makes me feel as though I know him and his family that much better! I have also seen people put out place settings for their departed ones on special occasions and never thought it was weird or strange. I had a great dinner last night and ate way too much but after hearing (and seeing) what Mike prepared I think I could have eaten again!Glad we all made it through! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 26, 2008 Report Share Posted December 26, 2008 Mike,I enjoyed seeing the pictures of you and your family! My son got a kick out of you saying you were the bald guy...as he pointed out, in that picture you were the ONLY guy! I hope you all had a good Christmas with those you love or spent the way you chose.Love,KayC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted December 27, 2008 Report Share Posted December 27, 2008 Mike - I finally got to download the pictures - your Janet's spirit shines right through, in every year's pictures. Thank you for sharing these glimpses into your family. But like Kay said, you were the only bald GUY!! Marsha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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