Something I Have Learned

[WendyJ]

This is actually a response to Corinne's post in another section but my response is actually more fit to be in this section.

Something I have learned...well I think the main thing that comes to my mind is something that has always been important to me...trust and in this instance I mean mostly trust of the heart. I have realized that since I lost my dear husband that I have been too trusting and for the most part have made some very wonderful friendships, especially with people here who care and love me and I will cherish these relationships for the rest of my life. But recently I allowed someone to get too close too quick and stole my heart , promised me the world with a wonderful future and said they loved me so much and then just took it all away with no warning . I am under 2 years from losing my dear sweet husband whom never would have hurt me like this and this person has broken me beyond belief and has set me back to the beginning stages of my grief, right back to where I started 21 months ago, but now I am mourning the death of two people not just one. I fell for this person with every sense of my being, would have gone to the ends of the earth for him, I loved him more than life itself and honestly as stupid as it sounds part of me will still always love him as when he left me he took a piece of my heart with him and I will never get it back. As some of you know I still cry daily, even now as I write this...some have told me I have to move on and as he said I have to "Get over it" well that is not so easy when you are the person who was hurt, very easy for the person who lied about their feelings all along.

I think my advice for any of you would be, take it slow if you are thinking of starting another relationship too soon. Know who you are all by yourself without the loved one you have lost before giving your heart away to a stranger. If things sound too good to be true they probably are and you need to take a step back. If I can protect just one person from the heartache and devastation I have been through then this posting was well worth it. I am not now, nor will I ever be the same person I was, can't explain it but people are also seeing this in me now. I know people would say give it time, it is early yet and you will get your old self back but not this time...the person I was is gone...for good.

Getting through Christmas was so very hard, trying to put a fake smile on my face when all I wanted to do was cry was very hard and I am so glad the Holidays are over. Just returning the gifts before Christmas that would have been for this person just killed me, the people at the jewelry store thought I was totally crazy especially when they said they could not be returned for my money back only store credit could be given and I totally lost it....so now I need to buy something for myself, something expensive that will be a constant reminder of what the money was originally used for.

I have so many wonderful friends and family in my life who have been so caring and supportive to me through this but I still feel horribly lonely without this person, what Marty has said is so very true. You mourn losing someone that you were in a love relationship with as this is just like they have died. The person whom I would have spent my whole life loving and making happy was has taken themselves from me in an instant and I have not seen them or talked to them since that horrible night , just like when my husband was taken from me in an instant and died . There is no closure, no sense I can make of this. I know like with my dear husbands death this will get easier as time goes on but I have had my heart broken and my happy future taken from me twice in under 2 years and with other hard things going on on my life right now, like my mother's cancer I can not accept this as God's will or a lesson to be learned. This is more than any person can handle and I wonder how and when I can start to feel like a whole person again.

Please learn from my mistake, put your heart away and do not bring it out till you are 100 % sure it will be safe, I had to learn this the hard way and will spend the rest of my life mourning the loss of this person who stole my heart away and left me with pain I would not wish on anyone.

I love you all and hope you have made it through these difficult Holidays !

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Wendy,

I am unable to get into my email for some reason, but I want to respond to you. I know your heart is broken beyond belief, so is mine. I wouldn't say this is God's will, how can it be? He wouldn't wish this on anyone! It is hard to know how to get through a day, let alone the holidays, and combined with all you are going through, you are doing good to just survive this. I don't understand how someone can hurt another person to this extent with no explanation, I've tried getting one myself and it hasn't been forthcoming. I don't know how we'll reach the point where we will live through this unscathed, nor am I sure we will...we will be changed by this, and that is a shame, because we were wonderful, loving trusting people and didn't deserve to be discarded like we were. I wish I could fast forward through the pain, the lessons, the adjustments, the next year or so...but alas, we cannot...we learned that when we suffered the loss of our sweet husbands...before all of this. I think it's good that you express yourself, it's not good to bottle it up, sometimes the one we want to tell it to the most won't listen, but we need to get it out anyway. I feel your pain, it mirrors my own. I am so tired of people saying "they aren't worth it", "you shouldn't feel blah, blah, blah", "you need to move on"...they aren't us and aren't feeling our pain. This is as wrong as the death of our spouses was and makes even less sense. I can only acknowledge your pain and tell you how very sorry I am that you are going through this just like I am...and offer up a prayer that God will help us through this somehow.

How is your mom doing? I tried to call you again tonight, but no answer...

I love you,

Kay

[mlg]

Listen you two, you are BOTH still very worthwhile, loving, caring people and even though this hurts and yes it will leave a scar I don't think for one NEW YORK minute that you be any less of the person you are and were before. Yes, you may be more cautious and less trusting at least for a while but don't you let anyone tell you any different.

None of us can tell you how to feel, any more than we could when you lost George and Steve. Only you can develope the time line for this newest grief.

Both of you, please be kind to yourselves and like you have told others in previous posts take it a baby step at a time.

Love you both.

[kayc]

I guess if I could understand this, it would help, if I could make some sense of it, if I could see "Oh THIS is where I went wrong!" then I could do things differently, learn from it and move on, but that isn't the case. I gave ALL of myself, tried SO HARD, and this is the thanks I got for it! I can't even get a friggin explanation! I don't know which is worse, the lies I get fed or the silence Wendy gets...I got the silence first, now just stupid lies. The last time I called him on it and he corrected himself, he knew it did no good to continue to say it in face of his actions, why does he even try? He thinks I'm stupid or something? I don't get it. He still says he loves me but his actions all speak differently. Love? He doesn't even have a clue, but this sure isn't it! All the while he's with Bimbo. No thanks! There has to be someone out there a whole lot better than him...shoot, darn near anyone! But even knowing that doesn't seem to help, because how the heck can I trust my own judgment any more? I was so wrong to trust him! Why has it cost me three years of my life just to be left with pain and scars? I can't help but yearn for what I had with George, yet I know that doesn't exist, it's not possible. I know I'm a good woman, everyone tells me that any man would love to have someone like me...but I feel doomed to be alone forever. I guess alone is a whole lot better than what I've been through...but does anyone ever really get used to this? Some people LIKE to be alone, I'm not one of them. I always liked a balance, a mixture, some solitude AND some social time...but this being alone in my home all of the time, it's getting old. I was alone in my relationship with John and I'm alone now. Before, when we were still considered a couple, I had hope that I'd see him, be together, etc, but I guess that was all a lie...now I know there's no hope there and I don't know what to reach for or strain towards. All I see is this being alone, no one to show a beautiful sunset to, no one to cook for, no one to help with the struggles of life, no one to share holidays with...it seems so much of the enjoyment of life is in the sharing. I have a friend that has lived alone all his life, never married, and he seems to be content with his dogs, but then he is an introvert and never minded all of the solitude. He too yearns to share life with someone at times, but for the most part, he's learned to be content as it is. I might have learned to enjoy the joys just for what they are, alone, but my preference would still be to have someone to share them with. But I feel that's part of what has been damaged inside of me, how can I ever trust anyone enough to give myself to the relationship as wholeheartedly again? Has he robbed that of me entirely? I am so angry that he could do that to me! I am angry that his Bimbo called to wish me a Merry Christmas from the two of them! How dare she! What right does she have! I'm still his wife, clear up until the day we are divorced! And even then, she stole him, the Bible says stolen waters are sweet but the dead are there...their relationship can never be blessed, not the way it started.

[mlg]

I can't believe she had the nerve to call you and I'm assuming he was there also. Were they drunk, high on something or just down right mean. I love you to pieces but even though you still have some feelings for him I'll be glad when he physically, financially has no more hold on you. Maybe then you can forget how cruel he has been to you and move on. I know I am sounding like your "friends" right now but that sentence about the call infuriated me.

Yes, I think there are things much worse that being alone. Being in an unloving relationship I think would be one of the absolute worse situations, especially since you know from George how it is suppose to be.

There is a lady I know whose husband dropped dead while we were calling him from the Dr's appt. She did not leave her house for over 4 months. Her kids would bring her in some food and she said she did little but lay in bed. Then her daughter and one of her friends came up with a plan that the friend's dad (who was a widower) would call her and ask her out for supper. The deal was that it was only dinner. Today I know it's over 5 years since they started this. He also helps her with some yard work and she helps him with painting and they still go out some for supper but is still a Platonic relationship. Maybe you'll be able to find something like that this time as I know or at least hope your heart is going to be a little more cautious.

Just keep plugging away and I know from your posts that you WILL make it.

((((((())))))))

[WendyJ]

Kay and Mary Linda,

You two have been a wonderful support system to me and I thank you so much. I did feel better yesterday after getting that out, but again today I am feeling sad. Maybe it is the long weekend off, maybe it is just too much extra time to think. My problem is he is on my mind from the minute I get up till the time I go to bed and I am not sure how to make it stop ! I guess some people would classify this as an obsession, but no, I was deeply in love just like when I met Steve. I want to stop thinking each morning that maybe this is the day he will call and say he made a terrible mistake and could we talk this over, I want to stop going over every conversation in my mind to try to make some sense out of this and why it had to happen. How could he tell people that he has met the love of his life and then in under a week say he doesn't love me enough? This grief is no different than when someone dies, except when someone passes there is a final goodbye, you know they are not coming back, here you always know they are out there and just the thought that you will never be with them again or the horrible vision of them with someone else just tears at your heart. This is just too painful for anyone to go through especially when the person who hurt you does not care how badly you are hurt or the fact that you are not getting over it. I hope most people will never know what the pain of a broken heart feels like, my heart hurts physically all the time and I just wish I could make it stop.

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Oh Wendy, I do know what you are feeling, I wish I could shut it off too. There should be an "off" switch for your heart, some kind of a safety valve or something, so when it's on overload, it would click off. I am glad John doesn't come on line here and see how much he's affected me. Of course I know he is with Bimbo and that thought hurts really really bad. When I lost George it was not by his choice, and he didn't cheat on me, his life was taken from him, but this...this is different. My feelings are raw pain and I don't know how to heal it. Right now my arm is hurting from yesterday and I can take some medicine or put something on it, but my heart...what do you do for your heart? I'm not even legally allowed to get rid of his stuff and there are reminders everywhere. It's so not fair! He should be forced to look at reminders of ME, him and his Bimbo both! I'm so annoyed, they are enjoying life out there and I am left alone to deal with everything.

[mlg]

Can you at least put his things in plastic totes away from where you see them all the time? I just wish I could help you and Wendy but it's something that you just have to get through like the loss of George and Steve. I know I told a friend who was trying to console me, that she had basically gone through the same thing when her husband of 40 years walked out on her for another woman. She thanked me because she said nobody ever realizes that. I said and the bad part of it is that you have to see them once in a while. I can't begin to imagine what that is like (just like you and John).

I had posted on one of the forums that sometimes we forget that there are other things to grieve over other than the loss of a loved one and I don't think sometmes that we tend to look at people who might be grieving this way.

Good luck to you and Wendy.

[WendyJ]

Kay you need to remove all the reminders like I did, mine went in the garbage but you can box yours up and get them out of site since legally you can not dispose of them. That was one of the hardest things I had to do and it still bothers me that I did, but I had to remove all reminders of him. I know what you mean about raw pain, nothing anyone says or does makes it any better, only the person who gave you the pain can make it better and since that is not going to happen for either of us we have to endure this pain.

Like you Kay I also have no desire to be alone, I miss being part of a couple, having someone to love and I have so much love to give to someone but next time I will be more careful and not make the same mistakes. I do not fall in love easily but when I do it is hard and for keeps and this is why I am having a hard time and mad at myself for being so stupid. I have been tossed aside and forgotten and he has moved on with his life and I need to do the same. It will take me longer but I will too, just not the same person I was before, that person is gone for good, that person died that night and I must live with this new person I have become.

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Well being as we were married, and he walked off without taking all of his belongings, it's a little harder. For starters, there is the trailer he left in front of my house, right next to it, I have to walk by it every day. It is the same trailer I discovered him and Janeen living in on June 3rd, and it holds a lot of bad memories for me because of that. The floor rotted out in half of it so he tore the floor and part of one wall out, removed the shower, toilet, cabinets, sink, and stove...those things are stored in my shop and storage that I need to go into for other things. I cannot get rid of the trailer until after the divorce and after I get his name off of the title, and I will be lucky to unload it even then under the circumstances. It needs a crossmember welded onto the bottom of it and then new flooring put in, everything put back in, wiring hooked up, wallpaper, etc., no easy task. Someone suggested donating it to a community college for them to "practice" on, but the longer the divorce takes, the less my chances of doing this are. Also, a lot of moisture will be getting into it because I am literally buried in snow right now. The only other idea is to try and get anyone interested in scrapping it. I have most of his belongings removed from it but still need to get the rest of his clothes out but because of the snow I can't even get into it. There are clothes in his closet too, but I can't bundle them up and store them right now because we have so much snow, I can't get down to the garden shed right now. I fell last night and again tonight and have several torn muscles, there is so much wet snow it is dangerous right now. I had cleaned out the garden shed to put his belongings into, but didn't get to finish before the snow hit. I am angry that he has left me with all of this while he just sits and drinks with his girlfriend, it ticks me off, I get all the dirty work! As far as sentimental belongings, there isn't a lot, he only bought me one card and gave me another that my sister bought for him to give to me. He only gave me four things that I can think of. It is not those things that I am having a problem with, so much as the trailer, his clothes, his boots, etc. Then of course I ran across the Christmas ornaments from when we got married...that was hard. I just left them in the box. I feel overwhelmed. When you lose a husband to death, everyone says take your time, don't part with their things until you feel like it, but when you have to go through a divorce, they want you to just dump everything out on the lawn, and it doesn't work like that! My girlfriend just told me I need therapy because I still have feelings for John. Excuse me, but how am I supposed to stop my feelings? That's the thing no one will tell me! I think the important thing is that I act with my brain and I can't help my heart, I need to give it time to catch up, so for that I need therapy? I think she's hard. It's okay for her to mourn the loss of her husband because he died, but I'm not supposed to mourn the loss of my husband because he went off the deep end? She doesn't understand that I love him, we were married, we had hopes and dreams and a life together, even if we didn't live together and even if it wasn't conventional...all of those things I mourn. I mourn every time I hear a Harley, every time I see the empty spot at the table, every time Friday night rolls around. I mourn the empty spot in the bed, the place where his toothbrush was kept. Every time the phone rings I see if it's his number. And how do I help this? How do I turn my heart off? Am I expected to do this in a week, a month, a year, what? How come if you lose your husband to death it's okay to take your time, but if you lose your husband to divorce, you're expected to just be right over it, just like that! Everyone thinks there's something wrong with me and that's starting to anger me! How dare people invalidate my feelings! How dare they tell me how I should be doing this or shouldn't be! I'm trying my best! Where is there understanding, where is there compassion? Where is there support? My heart is broken! I cry alone with no one to care. I don't know how to do this! I don't like this! I don't want this! I didn't ask for it! Why am I going through all of this and he gets off scot free! I don't understand! I don't understand anything! I only know that I hurt!

[WendyJ]

Oh boy Kay...get it out of your system ! I hear you loud and clear ! My problem is since my relationship was not that long that people can not understand why I am still grieving, like he had said they think I should just GET OVER IT...excuse me? Maybe that is easy for him because he never really loved me in the first place and used me and lied to me but like you said how do i just turn my heart off? I can't ! My brain is telling me it is better that this happened now than later and what if we had gotten married like we talked about ? Then what would have happened? Would I be going through what you are now? I trusted this person, I like an idiot believed everything he told me, I would have trusted him with my life. I will never open my heart so easily again and I am never going to be the same person again. People say I will get my own self back once I move on and get mad, well I am mad...damn mad at him and myself for being an ass, mad that I will never be the fun, loving and caring person I used to be, that me is gone. People think that once we move on that our old selves will come back, wrong ! Will any of them ever be the same after their loved ones died? No.... they won't and neither will we but we have to live with the fact that this happened to us because someone chose to do this to us, it is not like they died and it couldn't have been helped. We have suffered a loss and have to not only live with that pain but know that they have moved on without us and we are left here to suffer and if they can not understand that then maybe they never deserved us in the first place Kay, maybe we should think of it that way, maybe they just realized it before we did !!!

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Wendy,

Of course they never deserved us! And it's possible they realize that. I'm not sure that's much consolation. John threw me overboard for Bimbo, why? Probably because he's more comfortable with a low life like himself...I realize that sounds horrible, yet true. He's more comfortable with a drinking partner, a bar floozy, trailer court trash. He doesn't have to worry about the fact that he's not owning up to his responsibilities, quit his job, spends his money irresponsibly, and doesn't do right by me...all he has to do is have another beer and sleep with her. He doesn't have to take care of financial and legal matters, clean up after himself, or do the right thing. Just have another beer and sleep with her again. That's great. Meanwhile, I get to pick up the pieces.

Our anniversary is Jan. 6, just 1 1/2 weeks away...how do I deal with that? I've been crying all night, I don't know how to make this better.

[WendyJ]

I know Kay, but you know how many times in the past have we been told and have told other people it is just a date on the calendar. I am going out for New Years Eve because I deserve to have fun, but that day is exactly 4 weeks since I was broken up with. It is going to be hard but I want to go out and have a good time and try not to think of him, I at least owe that to myself. And you know what, at some point I am going to meet someone else, and in time I will allow myself to open up to someone again, and not that I think he even will care if he knows I am seeing someone but if he does then he will have to deal with that. You will also meet someone again and they will love us and cherish us and put us back up on that pedistal that we both deserve to be on. You and I take our relationships very seriously and will do anything for our man as we have in the past so that man has to be pretty damn special and treat us pretty damn special...

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

I have never told someone "it's just a date on the calendar." It was so much more to me than that, I took my vows very seriously, I can't help but think back to just two years ago when we said them to each other, before God. I can't help but remember how he looked at me at that moment, I have pictures that captured the tender look on his face, and now he's living with Bimbo and has deserted me and I don't understand that. I feel like everyone thinks I should just be over him or hate him, and I wish I could, it'd be easier than this, but I AM GRIEVING, and no one seems to get that! I feel so alone in what I am going through. Add to it all of the snow, my falls, the myriad of things I'm having to deal with, and I am just plain overwhelmed right now.

[WendyJ]

Oops sorry my friend, I didn't mean it the way it sounded, you know I perfectly understand what you are going through, I am there with you remember? We will get through this Kay, you are deeper into this than I am, doesn't mean my heart isn't broken too and I am not hurting terribly but you have more at stake and more history with your guy and I for one will be here for you every step of the way ! I will not lie to you or myself, I still miss him but at least I am realizing finally after a month that there will be someone out there that will treat me like I deserve to be treated and love me the way I deserve to be loved and that goes for you too, some day very soon you and I will be happy again and deeply in love...I am sure of it !!!

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Wendy,

I know that you of all people know what I'm going through, but one thing I've learned in grieving is to express myself candidly because I've had so many people discount my feelings. I am having problems right now in dealing with a friend that continuously invalidates my feelings to the point she tries to make me feel like there is something wrong with me, I'm crazy, need therapy, etc. because I love my husband! It is just five weeks since I decided to get a divorce and she thinks I should be past him in that length of time? I spent over three years of my life with this person, I gave my all, and I should be over him just like that? I don't know how long it will take me to heal from this, but in fact, it could take longer than a healthy relationship would because of the hurt that's been done inside of me. I can't think of being with another man at this point...I am open to what God has for me in the future, but right now that is something that is just "out there", it's something I can't conceive of, and I'd have to really know it was of God, I'm not interested in my own bumbling mistakes.

I went for coffee with a lady from my church yesterday and she told me of a man she'd been with for two years and she'd had to break off with (they were never married) and I asked her how long it took her to get over him and she said about a year. A year! And they weren't even married! But I should be over my husband in a month? This is the man I'd intended to spend the rest of my life with! I was willing to quit my job and go on the road with him when he went into his trucking business! At one point I thought he had cancer or something and was ready to do whatever it took to take care of him...that was right before I discovered he was having an affair (the first time). As much as I love my home and the 31 years of history I have here, raising my kids, etc., I would have given it up to be with him. Did I give too much of myself to him, too easily? Perhaps. It seems none of it was appreciated. Do I hurt any less for that? No! I hurt all the more! So why then would I get over him so easily? Why do people think it's easier if you go through a divorce than a death? With death my esteem was not battered, I didn't feel purposely rejected and abandoned! With death I didn't feel our love was over. I didn't have to hang on to his things until the court decided something, I could decide if and when myself.

My friend told me I'm too into myself and what I'm going through. I'm sorry that's how people see me, but this is pretty overwhelming to me. This isn't your usual humdrum time in life, this is mind boggling, difficult stuff! Did she feel she was too into herself when her husband passed away? She's dating now, at seven months out, she's lonely, she misses her husband, does she not see that she is just as vulnerable as I was when I got together with John? Does she not see that if she's not careful, she could end up in the same situation as I did? Of course not! She thinks she's different, she thinks she's above making these mistakes! So I am judged as crazy and what I am going through is unimportant!

Maybe I shouldn't talk to anyone about what I am going through. Maybe I should keep it all inside, hide it, deal with it all by myself, not reach for support. Maybe I should put a frozen smile on my face and keep going. Maybe I should protect everyone else at all costs to myself, after all, making everyone else comfortable is so much more important that anything else! Is that what society thinks?

[MartyT]

My dear Kay and Wendy (and others who may be reading this) ~ I hope that the addition of this forum to our site speaks for itself, but I want to assure you that, regardless of what others may say to you, you are not overreacting to the pain you are experiencing in the wake of divorce or separation from the ones you have loved. I want to recommend to you the latest book from Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD, the noted author, educator and grief counselor who has written so extensively about grief, loss and transition. As in all of his other writings, he speaks from the wisdom of his own education, training and experience ~ and in this particular book, as one who has experienced and worked through his own divorce. Please go to Amazon's description and review of Transcending Divorce: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart. You'll also find an extensive list of helpful articles, books and other resources on the Death of a Relationship page of my Grief Healing Web site.

I also encourage you to consider Belleruth Naparstek's peaceful and soothing guided imagery CD that relaxes and soothes the hurting heart, entitled Anger and Forgiveness. If you click on the title, you'll be taken to a page where you can listen to an audio sample of this wonderful CD. (Click on the Average Customer Review link, and note the comment there.) I have this CD myself, and it is one of my very favorites.

[WendyJ]

Marty thank you so much, I have just ordered John Gray's Mars and Venus Starting Over: : A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One and it just can't get here soon enough to hopefully make this pain go away.

Love,

Wendy

[suzanne]

Wendy and KayC

Don't know if you remember me or not. I was here in the beginning with you both as well as William. Matter of fact I believe William and I shared the same sad date. Many of my nights were spent on my computer with so many of you. I am so sorry to hear of your most recent heartaches. When we are grieving we do many strange things and reach out at times to all the wrong people, in all of the wrong ways. Our senses are clouded and we let our guard down. I did as well. We are vulnerable and fragile. What I learned is to love myself first and foremost and watch out for me. The only person who will be with me for the rest of my life is me. Painfull lesson yes but nothing can compare to the loss of my beloved Will. I made it through that and I'm still standing. You may not feel like it now but you will as well. It is so painful to put your heart out when you are so badly damaged already from the ultimate loss and find only disappointment.

Suzanne

[WendyJ]

Suzanne, it is nice to hear from you again, and I have come to the conclusion tonight that I think I will remain single also and no longer date or be with anyone. I have been so damaged and hurt that I can not trust anyone ever again, and I am obviously too stupid to see when I am being lied to and used. This person that I was with had shown some compassion to another person today who is going through this also, but does not give a damn about how horrible and destroyed I feel. I can't take this anymore, I did nothing wrong to this person yet he hates me so much even though I was told it was him and I did nothing wrong to end this relationship. I don't understand how someone can do this to another person that they said they loved yet show them so much hate and expect that this person can go on with their lives not destroyed. Just when you think you have cried as hard and as much as you can you find out you haven't ! I can't even go on talking about this on the forum, I just can't do this anymore.

[kayc]

Suzanne,

Yes we remember you! It is good to hear from you again. I am sorry that you too have experienced the pain that we are going through, it's hard enough the loss of death that we endured, but to be betrayed by one that yet lives seems truly unbearable.

Wendy,

I think it's important that we learn from the situation we are in and give it plenty of time...if God has something for us, He can show us, all in His due time. It is important to take care of and look out for ourselves. The book that you have ordered sounds really good...I bought a book and some CDs and when I get the chance, will get started on them. Wendy, you are good in and of yourself, you don't need a man to be special, you ARE special! Someday you WILL find the one who will appreciate you most and make you happy instead of cry, and the wait will be worth it all.

I love you,

Kay

[kath]

Dear Wendy and Kay,

Please know that my thoughts are with you as you have to deal with yet another horrible loss. It certainly doesn't seem fair, but if there is anything I can say to help, I hope this is it. I realize how vulnerable we are after our spouses death. The thought of being alone forever is unimaginable, much the same as the thought of dating or being with anyone new can also feel. Both scenarios have brought real surprising emotions to my heart and stomach. I found myself letting people close for several reasons. 1) I'm a nice person, easy to talk to and easy to be with. I don't judge. 2) I miss the attention of a man. 3) I need to be loved and I need to feel wanted and needed.

By reading what you have so willingly shared, I stopped all communication with someone because I don't want to encourage what I thought I wanted...companionship. It helped me realize that I need to be okay with me and that process is just starting. I was dependant on Bob for over half my life, starting at age 20. That's a long time to be in a loving relationship and have it suddenly pulled from your life. If it hadn't been for your posts, I would have continued on the same path as you have gone. Please don't be hard on yourselves for the choices you made, you are human after all. I'm sorry for all you are going through, but I thank you for having the courage to talk about this with us so we don't make the same mistakes. You two have helped so many, I only hope we can somehow offer the encouragement and love that you need to get through this.

Love,

Kath

[WendyJ]

Kath,

Thank you so much for your wonderful post and your caring words and your encouragement. I am happy to tell you that things have changed for me, for the better. This person and I are back in touch and will remain as friends, close friends. We have worried about one another and missed the closeness we had and will learn by the mistakes we made and try to move on from there. God put us two together for a reason, now we just have to figure out what that reason is, but we know we moved much too quickly in the first place and it never gave us the chance to be just friends above all else. The pain in my heart is lifting and I hope it continues to feel better as I believe it will. So for now I am improving, but Kay still has a hell of a road ahead of her and she needs our continued love and support as I know only this group can give her. Thank you so much again and to all my friends here who have helped me through this sad experience with your continued emails and calls and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Love,

Wendy

[Corinne]

Kath,

I am glad to hear that Wendy's and Kayc's conversations have helped you. You may not know my story since you are so new to this grief journey so I will share a bit with you. I lost my soulmate and the love of my life Jimmy 12 yrs. ago, not long after that I got involved with John and did not finish grieving and giving myself time because I so missed the relationship and companionship that Jimmy and I had. It was a horrible mistake. John brought me down and took away my self-esteem and confidence. We had two beautiful daughters together and that was the only good that came out of our relationship. In Feb. of 2006 John went out drinking all day and decided to walk home through the woods with the temp at 17 degrees and no jacket. He did not make it and it took them 2 months to find him. It was horrible to have to explain it to my daughters, then 6 & 7. After that happened I had to grieve for the loss of such a young life, John was only 34, I grieved for my daughters loss and also because I did not finish grieving for Jimmy, I also had to grieve the loss of my Jimmy.

Please give yourself the time to grieve your lost love. Allow yourself the time to find you and know you before you get involved again. You will be glad you did and you will bring so much more to a new relationship when and if the time is right. It is hard to imagine but you will come out of this a much stronger person and will be ready to make the right decisions. Give yourself the time to heal.

Love & Hugs,

Corinne

[Corinne]

Kayc my friend,

My heart goes out to you with what you are going through. You know my story and I just want to let you know that you are going to be OK. I can see in your posts that you are already doing it and you should continue to draw on the strength that George gave you. Remember your love and your relationship and keep drawing on that to find your strength. Allow yourself time to finish grieving George. If you are anything like me you are thinking how could I have let this happen, it is not your fault you, like me, did not allow yourself the time you needed to heal. I know that it stinks to be alone and not have the love and the hugs that you had, but if you let yourself find you, you will see how strong you will really are. You are such a strong, caring and loving person! You know that I am here if you need to vent.

Love & Hugs,

Corinne

P.S. I also know that it stinks to always have to be strong so keep venting and leaning on us, we are here for you.