Something I Have Learned

[kayc]

Corine, Kath, and Wendy,

Thank you for your responses. Kath, I'm glad some good came out of this as at least someone is spared the pain we have gone through. I would just say, it's not wrong to have a relationship with a man following a loss such as ours, but if you do, make it a friendship, be slow and cautious, and if he can't do that, let him go. Do NOT hope for something more or work towards it, but be yourself, get to know who your "self" is separate and apart from the couplehood you had with your husband. We will NOT find what we had with our husbands, but someday perhaps we will be more ready to contribute and participate in a healthy relationship with someone compatible with us.

Corine, you learned the hard way what I learned, just different details, change of dates and names. I have one added advantage, as John and I never lived together and he didn't contribute to me emotionally, I have already had that time alone to grieve and develop my sense of self...most of what I will glean from closure to this relationship is that I will no longer have someone using and abusing me and my time will be my own to plan and do with what I will, rather than wasting it "waiting for someone who never shows up". I already have a sense of relief. I don't look forward to the next few months in that I know it will be difficult to deal with the legal and emotional things I have to follow through with. Once I have healed, I will be okay but it's hard with all of this hanging over my head. He STILL will not tell me where he is so I can serve him, mostly because he wants to continue to make use of the motor home and car I have to pay for and insure. But that also strengthens my resolve not to fall prey to his trying to "get me back" because I know he doesn't have my best interests at heart...never did.

Corine, I do remember your story...I am glad you are here, you have been through a great deal.

Kath, yes we all get lonely and miss the companionship, but we have to realize it will be something that perhaps we can have again someday when the time is right. Right now is a good time for us to work on developing friendships, whether male or female, and being strong people in our own right. You have so much going on in your life, and are working to accomplish so much, you are an attractive person inside and out and have so much to offer...I believe it will happen for you.

Wendy,

I wish for you all of the things I wish for myself, that we continue to learn and grow and become healthier and stronger, and will recognize what God's will for us as it begins to unravel.

Love,

Kay

[WendyJ]

Kay,

I so much agree with what you have said and I have learned that also from my own painful experience. The person I was going with and I just clicked from the beginning, were very compatible, had alot of fun together, had so much love for one another but moved way too fast and we did not see what was coming on his part...the need to run. Sadly it took a possible emergency to make us communicate and now have agreed we meant too much to each other to not try to remain friends but we screwed up what could have been a beautiful relationship that would have lasted a lifetime. I can not tell everyone enough to read again what you said, remain friends...don't talk too soon about the future and marriage etc. build on just being yourselves and having fun. This person told me it was him and not me...wrong...it was both of us...we both moved too fast and screwed things up. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and start all over and do things differently but I can't. Hopefully time will heal my wounds, and I will learn from the mistakes that he and I made and not make the same ones again. I think my advice to anyone would be first to try and wait at least 2 years before you get into a relationship and in the mean time learn who you are without your spouse now and learn to be happy with who you are. Once you decide to start seeing someone, take it slow, take it one day at a time and let everything just fall into place on its own... if it is meant to be...too bad I couldn't have posted this much earlier and taken my own advice, my ending may have been much happier.

My love to all of you and I hope 2009 is a much better year,

Wendy

[kayc]

Oh Wendy, I couldn't agree more with everything you said! I want to add too that sometimes what is right for one person might be different for someone else...some people (like you and I) had spouses that died sudden unexpected deaths...others had long lingering illnesses and maybe they did some of their grieving ahead of time, the recuperating time for them might be shorter than for us, and of course, as individuals we vary, but I think two years is a good benchmark point to start at, understanding it could be longer for some.

George and I were "friends first" and it built from there, and what a beautiful relationship we had! "Friends" is a win-win situation...if it remains friends, that's good, if it develops into something more, that's good too! The saddest thing of all is to be friends, develop something more too soon, and as a result, lose it all...and I feel that's what happened with me and John. He was my best friend, now I have nothing but heartbreak in its place.

[WendyJ]

Well Kay you know that is what happened to me too, I wish I knew then what I do now as I would change how quickly things went. Yes friends first is a good way to go, too bad we don't have a crystal ball to see into the future !

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Wendy,

Actually, if I had listened to those CDs and read that eBook, John and I never would have entered into a relationship to start with...it would have developed slower and I would have seen some things that I should have and developed some boundaries for myself and he wouldn't have fit the bill. I would have spared myself a whole heap of heartache...and money!

[WendyJ]

Kay,

Sadly my relationship never would have happened either, that E-book describes the personality also of the person I was seeing and if I had known that I would have ran too and never gone through the hurt that I did. Sure the book tells you how to attract and keep that kind of person but why would you act fake and not be yourself to get a man? It says they have "run" issues and will continue to run in every relationship and never be happy till they find out why they do this. They will continue to hurt every woman they go out with and waste many years of their lives and in turn end up alone and miserable. What a shame as other than that this was a wonderful person whom I would have cherished and loved for the rest of my life. I have alot to learn now being out there in the dating world, but now I know what to look out for in a man and hopefully this will help to protect me from further pain and heartache. I want to be part of a couple again, I miss that so very much and even though nobody could ever replace what I had with Steve a new relationship would be different and could be just as rewarding and special in many ways. I many not find them tomorrow or next month or next year but the right person is out there for me and next time I plan on being treated the way I deserve to be treated, and loved the way I deserve to be loved. My friends are right, I did nothing wrong...just fell deeply in love and got hurt and learned a valuable lesson the hard way.

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Well, Wendy, we are learning. Nothing is ever wasted, it's just too bad we've had to go through so much pain and disappointment, it's been very costly lessons. I will not penalize the next one for this one, but neither will I be the same as I was, I can't be.

I don't think we have to be fake, that's not what I'm getting out of the book or the CDs, rather I'm learning to value myself and establish boundaries and learn a healthy time frame, etc. I don't know if I'll ever find anyone or not, I would hope to someday, but for now I have to be content with what I had with George and continue my path of healing and learning. I guess I was just so lucky to have had George, it seemed so effortless and wonderful.

[kayc]

Yesterday was our 2nd Anniversary and the day the amended divorce petition was filed. I can't tell you how hard that was...and why did it have to fall on our anniversary? I thought I was going to do okay, but last night it hit me, of course, how he is with "her" on our anniversary...I couldn't help but remember things from the past, including our wedding day...it makes me cry even now as I write this. How can I stop hurting? When will it end? Will it be a year, two, three, what? How long do I have to hurt and why doesn't he feel like I do? How could he disregard me to this extent without even a backward glance? I think deep inside all day I half expected him to show up and at least TRY to get me back, but of course, that didn't happen. I want a more normal relationship someday, but right now I can't even think of that, I only know I miss the John that I married, the John I fell in love with, and I hurt. How can this not destroy me?! I was tossed aside, for what? Some trailer court trash that drinks like a sieve, and is uneducated and crass? I'm tossed aside for that? I don't understand! I always tried to make his weekends enjoyable, fixed him great meals, looked nice, loved him...then he just stops coming home all of a sudden, with no explanation. How can someone do this to another person, the most important person in your life? He cares about taking care of Margaret, I told him, she's not a stray cat, she's an adult woman, she should be responsible for herself! But ME, his WIFE, he doesn't care if I have heat, or food, or kindling or if my snow is shoveled or my car starts...he stuck me with all of his bills so I have no money, but MARGARET he cares about! Why? I don't understand this, I don't understand anything. I only know that I am so tired, I just want to go away, anywhere, just away...

[WendyJ]

Kay,

I am so sorry for all your pain and all you are going through, you do know I understand and will always be here for you. I am sorry I missed your call last night, it was a crazy night as I was in and out all night. John does not deserve you and you know it without me telling you that, you are a wonderful, caring and loving person and he could only wish to have you still in his life. I have learned recently not to assume what your ex is feeling or doing as it only hurts you more and sometimes it is not completely true. My relationship is improving greatly, we are becoming close again, but it will stay as friends which is hard but it is the way it has to be. I can only hope after you get through this you will be able to get some of yourself back, I know part of me is really lost, not sure when or how I will get it back but am asking his help to see if it can be found again. You are doing really well considering what you are going through and I am very very proud of you as you are alot stronger and doing better than you give yourself credit for.

Love You,

Wendy

[kayc]

Thanks Wendy...As you know by now, I've decided to let him keep his shot-up smoke-filled car and motor home so it'll quit accumulating tickets and insurance bills and I won't have to deal with police impounding it, etc...in return for him signing the divorce. He sure didn't argue that which answers me big time as to what he was in it for...it sure wasn't for love. I'll be glad when it's all over...I'm trying to get him to take the other trailer off my hands too, the one he took apart...I'll have us both sign the title and then if/when one of us hauls it off somewhere, we'll have the title to do so. Wow, kick me if I ever even look at another guy! Oh well, I take with me all of this knowledge...

It's hard to be friends after being lovers, I am with one person but it's been over 31 years since we were "together" so that's way easier than what you're going through! I'm trying to part with John on "friendly" terms (that's just me) but we won't be "friends" as we're just worlds apart.

I'm actually doing better on my own than when he was standing me up every Friday night, that was really tough. At least now I KNOW I'll be alone and can just resign myself to it! Hey, Doritos and ice cream, for dinner, right?!

[kayc]

Today the title finally came in for the Jetta so I got onto the attorney's office to hurry up with the papers and they got them ready for review...once the attorney has reviewed (tomorrow) then we'll be ready to sign, so we could sign as early as Wednesday. I am praying he will do so without a hitch...he's already listed our Jetta on Craig's list, as of yesterday, so I'm thinking he'll want the title signed off soon. I'm going to pay the extra fee to waive the waiting period.

When I talked with John about this, he got really quiet, like the finality was hitting him, he sounded kind of choked up, pretty much how I've felt the last couple of months. This is the hardest thing in the world to do, I hate it. I have a feeling I'm not going to be good for anything this week, another week of tears. I am so confused as to how he can have feelings when he has made no attempt whatsoever to save our marriage. I can't live like this, I just can't.

[WendyJ]

Kay,

You are doing wonderful, you simply amaze me at your strength. If it were not for you and a few other of my great friends here I would not have made it to where I am now. You have made it this far and you will make it even further, God will give you the strength. You can lean on me whenever you need to just like I leaned on you when I was at my lowest and for that I will always be greatful. If it were me I would be glad that he is at least showing some feelings towards you, at least then you know it was not all a lie, but like your best friend told you he can't be himself living the wonderful lifestyle with you, he is not good enough for that, and you are too good for him. Keep the strength my friend, you are doing great !

I Love You,

Wendy

P.S. I agree with you that it is hard being friends with someone after you have been lovers, but for me thank goodness it is working and my ex and I are becoming the best of friends again...we were too close to not make it happen.

[kayc]

Wendy,

I covet you and Fred's prayers today...we are supposed to sign papers and I am so afraid John will not show up. He picked today to go to the police station and file a report on the car...I am so afraid it'll turn into a "reason" not to come down and sign at the attorney's.

It's funny, I took special care today, how I dressed, have my hair done, even did my nails, in an effort to "show him what he's missing", how ridiculous! If he hasn't seen what he's going to be missing from the last three years with him, he never will! The truth is, he never saw it, he never saw the value in me, never saw anything...just someone to use and discard like a piece of garbage. Maybe I do need therapy.

[WendyJ]

Oh Kay of course you have my prayers, keep in touch and let me know if that .......nevermind shows up. I am so glad you got yourself all nice and primped, now when you go there just keep your head up high and show him what he is missing and that you will be okay. Then if you want you can cry when you get into your car...but not sooner okay, and then call me on your way home if I am home from work. Again you are doing great and I am so proud of you !!!

Love Always,

Wendy