Thinking (always A Bad Thing!) And I Need Support

[marsha]

This is hard. I'm almost not wanting to post. I read Kim's, and what she's going through, and I feel like I should be grateful for my health and not whine. I am grateful for my health! It's just that this weekend has been so hard. Jan 1 would have been our 24th wedding anniversary, and jan 3, Joe's birthday. Jan 1 was also 6 months out for me. For the past couple of days, I woke up, had coffee, then paced back and forth. I didn't know what to do with myself. So I painted a room, a project I've been thinking of. Another room is next. All in colors Joe would have hated! All to try to focus on something - anything! I know in my mind I'm trying to find me again, but in between there's this great big ball of grief in my heart. A good friend stopped by last night after church (she lost her 48 year old daughter a week before Joe died) to make sure I was still here. No, haven't offed myself yet - too chicken-sh-t! I guess I'm not hiding it as much as I thought I was. It's been 11 months since his diagnosis and death. Oh Lord guys, if I could only see a glimmer of light at the end of this dark tunnel! Marsha

[leeann]

I can offer you some hugs ((((((((((((((((Marsha)))))))))))))))))))

I'm sure there must be light at the end of the tunnel. Well that's my hope for you anyway.

With all of the firsts and special days this week..... it's not surprising that you are feeling it so much. But ofcourse that doesn't help make it hurt any less. Boy.. I wish I could do that for you.

Unfortunately all I can give you is my hug and assurance that I'm holding you close in my thoughts as you try to get through this very difficult time.

leeann

[MikeC]

Marsha,

Your first anniversary and Joe's first birthday since his death, plus having to deal with the holidays for the first time without him - that's a lot to deal with at once! At least you have those "firsts" behind you now. Christmas Day was 6 months out for me, so we are nearly on the same schedule in that regard, but I've still got birthdays and our anniversary (Janet died 4 days before our 29th, so I was still in shock for the first one) to face. I admire you for painting the room - I would almost rather take a beating than paint! I feel the same reluctance about posting my problems when there are others here that have so much on their plates, but I think there is enough love and compassion here to go around. You need to talk about your grief as much as the next person. Take care, Marsha.

Mike

[MartyT]

Marsha, dear, I just want to assure that you are just as deserving of our support as anyone else in this wonderful family of ours, and you've got it

[Guest moparlicious]

Marsha,

Hi please do not feel bad because you need support. Our grief is one in the same we all lost our soulmate, our love of our life. Although I may be going through many troubling times and I have super anxiety and stress, it does not diminish anyone's grief, support and love. We are all here for each other, never feel bad about anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We all need each other. I send you many hugs and love. Love, Kim

[NotCoping]

Marsha,

While I'm in no position to be helpful, I do like any distractions. I'm not to the point where I can paint yet - heck, I'm trying to clean the refrigerator one shelf a day, and I skipped today. When I can't find anything on TV or when I don't feel like cleaning anything, I do the "thinking" thing as well, and it's debilitating. I keep looking for a "sign" that I'm going to be OK; I pray without ceasing, and nothing happens. The best thing I do is come here where people seem to understand. People say "ask for help" with things, but I've never been one to ask for anything, so that's hard. I've been trying and finally asked someone to come and look at some plumbing, but no one showed. I get that a lot. "If you need anything, just ask" and I've asked and no one shows.

I'm rambling on about myself now, and that's certainly not helpful to you.

I'll say a prayer for you and hope this one is heard.

[Corinne]

Marsha,

Don't ever feel guilty about posting. We all have times that we need to reach out for support, you are not any different than the rest of us. We are here for each other. You are very early into the grieving process and at the point you are at it is very hard to see a light. You have just been through quite a few firsts in a very short amount of time so give yourself a break. Sending (((((((Hugs))))))) your way.

Love & Hugs,

Corinne

[mlg]

Marsha

We all go through thinking some are worse off than we are and sometimes by giving them support it is healing for us, but don't ever think you are less deserving. We are all here to help each other. So you post anything you want. All of us have lost a spouse and know what a big hole you have in your heart and gut. DON'T YOU DARE consider doing anything to yourself. We are here for you and there are hotlines if you feel better talking with someone in person. Do you belong to a local grief support group? Sometimes that extra person to person, put an arm around you contact helps. If not then just keep coming here so we can try to help. You have to remember that you just went through a very stressful season plus the anniversary and b'day.

Mike

I am out twice as far as you (in 2 weeks it will be a year), but somewhat like you I hit our 37th anniversary about 2 weeks after Tom died, then in 10 days was Valentine's day and 10 days later my 60th b'day. I too feel I was too numb at that point so I'm wondering what this Feb. will bring. I know the hole in my heart is no smaller. If anything it is bigger because of the extreme loneliness.

Mel

Just posting back to Marsha, I'm sure was helpful, just knowing someone is listening and feeling the same thing.

Your sign is there, it's waking in the morning and being able to clean one shelf of the refrigerator. Maybe the next time it needs it you will be able to do 2 or maybe even the entire thing. Just think there are some people not going through what you are who don't clean their refrigerators.

Here's love for everyone on this site.

[JeanneC]

Hi Marsha

I agree with Mike, you had a lot to deal with. We both are on the same time table. It's 11 months since Alex went into the hospital and it is 6 months since he passed. It's is hard for me to give advice since I am at the same stage as you are, but I do feel that we will get passed this most difficult time. I feel that the pain is lessening for me. Of course not completely and that might never happen. I sometimes feel guilty that I should be grieving more, that it is just too soon. Don't get me wrong, I miss him terribly and I never want to forget him. A few friends of mine who have lost their spouses told me that the grieving will stop. There will be moments of sadness and loneliness. Marsha, we are all here for one another. Right now for you it is still way too soon. It is just six months. Give it time, like I am doing.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[kayc]

Gosh, Marsha, it's no wonder you're having a hard time! Going through the holidays, hitting the six month point, an anniversary and a birthday to deal with...any one of those would be enough! Hugs, you've got it!! (((Marsha)))

[marsha]

Thank you all for lifting me up again - just knowing that you all get what I'm posting is something I'm so thankful for. No, it's much more than that. To post, within your own pain, just shows how loving and giving you all are.

Note to Mike - I actually hate to paint! I don't know why I'm doing it, except it's focusing me and in doing the walls my own colors, seems to be part of the healing process. I've moved on to my bathroom today!! I don't know why I'm doing it, but I'm doing it, so I'm going with the flow.

I closed my deli for the month of january. I knew I needed this time to just sit and be. I haven't had a day off since February when joe was diagnosed, and i knew and know it's going to be hard. To put it mildly. The anniversary/birthday/newyears wave went, a little bit, and I'm sure it will come again. But for right now, I'm just dealing with today. And it's ok, for right now.

Mary Linda- not to worry - that was just gallows humor - I'm seeing a therapist - plus you guys!! I'm not going to do anything to myself.

Thanks to you all, my cyber family - Love, Marsha

[kath]

(((Marsha))) I haven't forgotten about you, I've just been so tired since starting my new job and trying to make all the arrangements for daycare, and housecleaning and running the cherubs around, etc. I'm so glad to hear you've taken some time off work. I've worried about how hard you work. Now, I can see you're not whiddling away the hours, but painting instead! You go, girl! Painting is therapeutic. It gives time to reflect, and allows for instant satisfaction. (Some say it is the fumes, I like to think it is the mark of a job well done.) My heart hurts for all this month has held for you, but I'm impressed that you were able to recognize that it was time to take care of you. Bob's birthday is tomorrow. It must have been a good month for giving birth to amazing men!

Your friend,

Kath