I Lost The Love Of My Life July 1st, 2004.

[Infinity]

I lost the love of my life on July 1st, 2004. His name was Kyle. He got in to an ATV (quad, 4-wheeler, etc) accident with a few of his friends. He was the only one who died.

I've been in therapy, and I almost had to be institutionalized last week, for 'severe depression with psychotic episodes, grief related anxiety disorder, and post traumatic stress syndrome.' I had been talking to my therapist, and he thought it was best I go to the nearest mental hospital and get 'a second opinion.' This scared me so much, I completely refused being admitted. In my situation, I'm still in school, and I'm a smoker. These two things held me back. I go to night school, and that is the only thing that's been keeping me holding on for the past few months. I have thrown myself full-force in to my schoolwork, getting nothing below a 90. Mostly up in the 100-105 range for grades, because of all the extra credit. I cry when I get below 100. And i've been smoking so much because of the stress. I didn't want to give up these two things, that have been keeping me from freaking out. I was scared that if I gave these things up, I would lose all control. I haven't been sleeping, I still can't eat.

This man was the love of my life. He was my soulmate. He was my best friend, my lover, my confidante. I met Kyle when I was eleven years old, and it was love at first sight. We kept our involvement a complete secret...but people kind of noticed. The way we looked at each other, the way we smiled at each other. We let each other have other relationships, because to us it was so completely definite that we would marry in the future, and spend forever together, that we didn't really care. We knew we had a lot of learning to do, so we let each other do so. Whenever I saw him, he'd give me this amazing smile...I miss so much about him, it would take me hours to write it down. I miss the way his nose wrinkled when he was concentrating, the way he smiled, the way his laughter made me smile and feel like I may burst. We were amazing together, completely unstoppable. I felt safe with him. I felt loved with him. I had thought I had other loves before him, but they were nothing like Kyle. With Kyle, I understood why everyone says love makes the world go round-it sure did with mine. I understood why they all said love was the most amazing thing in the universe. I understood why people ranted and raved about it, and looked for it their whole lives.

I try to thank god for giving me these years with him, but it's so hard sometimes. I was lucky enough to even feel these emotions...some people search their whole lives and never find them. I was lucky enough to have it for a whole 6 years.

Kyle was 17 when he died. I turned 17, 43 days after that. My whole world is crumbling on me. I have no idea what's going on. I can't remember what day it is half the time. I have flashbacks. I get panic attacks everytime I see something that reminds me of him. I can never sleep...I miss sleeping. I think I've gotten around 2 or less hours of sleep a night. Sometimes up to 5. I like those nights...except for the dreams. The lack of sleep is starting to seriously show on me, and I'm just so dead all the time. It's so hard to get out of bed every morning. With him, I feel like he took my future. He ripped away the most amazing thing that had ever happened and will ever happen to me. And while I'm still moving to North Carolina in April (I live in Connecticut), and I'm going to college, and I'm going to be a nurse...that future was supposed to be with him. I was supposed to go through everything with him.

Please don't brush this off as puppy love. It honestly wasn't...and I'm sick of people trying to say that. No one who knows Kyle and I thought so...they all knew how it was.

I have no idea wether I should just let them admit me or not. If not, I have no idea how to handle this. I've been having such a rough time..I have lost interest in everything. I have no motivation. I sick of fighting. I'm questioning everything about my life. I want to die...just to be with him again. And even if he was in hell (which I know he couldn't possibly be...he's always had a halo in my eyes)...I would still be in heaven, cause I'd be with him.

I lost a lot of friends, I lost the person that meant the most to me in the entire universe, and now I'm completely losing myself. My whole sense of reality has altered. It's hard to tell if I actually did something, or just dreampt it. I have to ask the people I thought I did it with sometimes...

Help.

[MartyT]

Oh my dear one, we are all so terribly saddened to learn of the tragic, sudden, accidental death of your beloved this past July.

Please rest assured that there isn’t a person here who would “brush this off as puppy love.” Obviously you are deeply in love with Kyle, and the bond you have with each other is very, very strong. Death may have ended Kyle’s life, my dear, but it did not end the relationship you have with him. As long as there is a place in your heart which is the shape of Kyle, he will be with you.

I understand that you have been in therapy, but I don’t know with whom or for how long, and I want to be sure you’re getting the sort of help you need.

I hope that your therapist is knowledgeable about normal and complicated grief processes, and is experienced in treating them. (Sometimes consumers assume that every therapist has expertise in every aspect of mental health care, but when you think about it, that’s not very realistic. If you had a broken leg, for example, you wouldn’t go to a cardiologist when what you really need is an orthopedic surgeon. Nowadays there are counselors and therapists who specialize in bereavement care.)

You might ask your therapist if he thinks it would help for you to work with someone who specializes in complicated grief reactions. You could ask him for a referral, or you can contact your local hospice organization and see what grief support services are available in your community. It may also help for you to do some reading about grief, so you’ll know what normal grief looks and feels like, which in itself will help you to feel less “crazy.” (See the Articles and Books page and the Links page of my Grief Healing Web site for suggestions.)

I hope you will continue to participate in an on-line grief forum such as this one, which will help you to feel less isolated and alone.

Please know that we are thinking of you and holding you in our hearts at this sad and difficult time, dear one. You are not alone, and we all hope that you will find some comfort here.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[movinon1974]

No on would call your love for Kyle 'puppy love', Love is just what it is........'Love'. I was your age when I lost my first love. I want to be here for a shoulder for you to cry on if the need ever be. If you have to seek 'in' house help, do it so you can get better. Kyle would of wanted you to heal. Are you in North Carolina yet?! How are you?! Would like to hear from you.

Signed,

A friend in North Carolina