My Last Three Yrs Have Been Stripped Of Joy

[LarrysGirl]

I have an idea, I think I'll create a new calender, especially for grieving people. It could have each month completely blank with No Holidays, No special occasions, just the anniversary of the loss and the persons birthday, everything else could just be left blank! For me it would have probably have to be one of those five year calenders, because at three years there is nothing I look forward to, no holidays, just reminders of all that I lost when Larry died. The only use I've had for a calender in three years is to count how many months have passed, one after the other. Larry would right sweet notes on ours when he was alive. In my home I have that calender displayed still, Sept. 2005, my birthday, is how it has been left with a note from him. I can't move it, I can't turn the page, because his life ended a couple of months after that. Then mine ended and so you see, I don't need a calender anymore.

I know that this sounds very sarcastic ( it just disguises the sadness) and feeling sorry for myself, yet its my reality now. Deborah

[ustwo]

Deborah, I understand what you are saying. The new year brings a calendar that I look at realize I've survived over 3 1/2 years without Gene's smile..........and I don't understand how. Joy?? I don't think I know what that words means anymore. Being Happy.....I don't know what that is anymore. I have found a new circle of friends. They respect my feelings, give me space when I need it, give me support when I need it, and even though they never knew my darling Gene, they are truely interested in knowing who he was. I still take it one day at a time. And I take each day as it comes...no expectations, no plans, not knowing what I'll do from moment to moment. For me I've filled some of my time doing things for those friends who are much older than I am....who from time to time need help or support of their own. I love my children and grandchildren but they can not fill the hole in my heart. And since they all live in other states I don't get to see them much. They are still healing too so they know this is a long journey. We still shed tears over the phone but we share wonderful memories too. I still have Gene's colonge and aftershave on the bathroom counter. I open them up and smell the sweet scents Gene would use, close my eyes, and feel him around me. I still wear his bedroom slippers even though they are about to fall apart.

I may have found some "peace" but joy and happiness just aren't there. I will always love Gene, I will always miss him. But I have accepted that this is my life. My heart beats with our love. Gene gave me 28 years of happiness and joy and love and I take that with me each step.

Deborah, may tomorrw bring you peace in the knowing you Have Larry's Love....forever! And may all that you and Larry share bring sunshine into the darkness we all get through somehow.

And thank you for the friendship you gave to me and many others as we walk this road.

Always Gene!

Always!

[leda]

dear deborah, i feel your pain, and understand just how it hurts, even today, i too feel the same way, it has been 3 years for me also, nov. 17, 2005. and i kept going each day with the sorrow and hurt. couseling, talking to my friends, but, after a while, they are tired of hearing you talk about it. i can understand that. but, it dont make it easier for us. i could not understand why, i was still not right. the way i used to feel. the hurt is still there, and it just seems to get worse. for me, i can not live in our home we had, and we had a real nice place in the country. i loved our home. but, i just cant live there, because, i hurt too much. i live some where else now, and buying another place, small place, i feel better here. i am renting my home to friends now. rent to own. but, i can no longer go to the house nor the road that i was living with my charlie. i make a special longer trip to avoid going down that road. i dont want to look at pictures of the place. so, i dont understand why i do that. the only thing i can say, it is because i hurt so bad each time i see the home i can no longer have the way it was. that is why i actually started to look for help on why i am still not healed completley. and how i found this site, just 3 weeks ago. and now i see, i am not alone in this. it makes me feel so much better. to know we can really say our feelings, on how we still feel and hurt inside after all this time. holding on the his love that i had, and my love that is still alive inside for him, is all i have left. my love still feels the same for him today. but, if anyone can tell me why i am doing what i do, staying away from the home,or cant go visit my friends there, please help me understand it. i may just be running away from the hurt. i thank you all so much for saying how it still really feels, because, each one of us is grieving and coping in our own way, and it helps to read it and cry while we read,because, i feel your pain and i understand. god bless you, you have to do what makes you feel better. it is so very hard, and i dont see why god had to take him. i know not any of us, really sees why, they say, god had his reasons, but, we dont see, or i dont. but, i accept it now, and i pray he is helping us every day. take care. love to all of you , leda

[kayc]

I often wished this site had a calendar that would have our "death date", our "anniversary", both of our birthdays...maybe even another place we could add a day that was special to us. It would be nice if we could remember those days to encourage or uplift each other...sometimes I find that people avoid saying anything on those days because they don't want to remind us...ha! Like we need reminding! We never forget, and someone acknowleging it actually makes me feel better, not worse. I wonder, would it be possible for this site to have such a thing as a calendar we could record these things on? It lets us know of our birthdays, but it'd be nice if at the bottom of that part of the site it would put the applicable events, not just birthdays.

Jan. 6 was John's and my second anniversary...I haven't seen him in months, instead my (amended) petition for divorce was filed...I can't even serve him because he won't tell me where he is. That day was really tough for me, actually, the whole week was, I cried and cried buckets of tears. My little sister was the only one who acknowledged that day, without me saying anything to her, she sent me a sweet email acknowledging my pain and it meant so much to me. I know I will eventually get through this, but the bittersweet days that George and I celebrated will never be forgotten, and forever "Father's Day", June 19, 2005, will be etched in my heart as the worst day in the world...the day my George slipped away from me. Our love is forever but I will always miss laying my head on his chest and feeling his arms around me...I wish we could have an hour a year to be back with them, at least it would give us something to look forward to and hope for.

[Rosemary T]

Hi leda,

I cannot go by the place that my husband worked for 50 years because it is the place that I believe caused his death. Even though he loved that place and that is where we met and even where we got married, I do my best to try and not even drive by it. So I know how you feel. My home that I had with Lou is different. I like to be there with the memories of him. His colonge and bathrobe are still in the bathroom and my bedroom is a shrine to his memory. I have his urn and all of his pictures there as well.

It will be one year for me on January 28th. I am reading what others have to say about never having any real happiness or joy anymore but at least some peace. I guess we have to be grateful for anything we can get!

I hope this site will help you make some progress on your grief journey. This is the only place (and a few PM from people I met here) that I get any real sense of peace from.

[marsha]

Deborah - After only 6 months I don't have any advice, nor will I give any. I just want to tell you I understand the endless sadness. You posted in another thread that you hesitated to post because you felt your grieving was wrong, or taking too long. Bull-sh-t! The very fact that you are here, posting your feelings, and helping others (myself, by the way) is a good thing, and I value your input. I think to myself often, am I depressed, grieving, manic, what?? But we're all unique, we all go through life's land mines in different ways. Peace, and hugs, my friend, Marsha

[kayc]

Deborah,

I want to add something...don't ever worry about making anyone else down, just express your feelings, if you can't here, where can you? You've been here for all of us and we're glad you keep coming on this site. Your love for Larry is evident and none of us can help how we feel. I have a friend that feels it's wrong to show grief to anyone and she's flinging herself into throwing endless dinner parties to drown out her sorrow, but I say we all handle it different and it's not like there's a right or wrong way, there's just our own ways and we should respect each other's differences and support each other in them.

I wish all of you could find some measure of joy again...when I say joy, I don't mean that you'll ever feel like you did with your spouse, but just even some form of joy however small. Of course you can't expect that when the grief is fresh, but as time goes on, that even just enjoying your grandchildren or something will give you reason to go on.

Love,

KayC

[walter/Erica]

I was scared 22 months ago when I lost my husband, now i am really scared,scared that I will always feel likre this and never know joy or happiness ever again. How am i going to manage for another 10/ 20 years. Feels like I am just existing now and Ill never be able to pretend like this for longer. I thgt it would get esaier, I thought Id be a lot better, graciously healed almost completely by God....

[kayc]

Erica,

Please give it more time, it takes longer than 22 months if you ask me...I'd say into your third year, anyway, but everyone's different. It does get better, but oh how it takes time.

[kath]

Erica,

I get scared, too, whenever I look out past today or next week or as you said, the next 10-20 years. I am not quite as far along as you are, it's almost 20 months for me. I never imagined my life with Bob would have been so wonderful nor would I have imagined it would end so suddenly. So, I can't think about what is yet to come. I think I've accepted the fact that it will never be the same and sorrow lives just below the surface.

Yesterday a woman I had just met asked if I had ever gone to a center nearby. I told her I used to attend a grief group there. She didn't ask anymore about it, but during the conversation I told her my husband died. She was surprised I didn't cry during the telling of it. At first, I was miffed that she expected a specific reaction. Today I realized it doesn't matter, I didn't give her the details of my last 20 months, so she has no idea what I've been through or even that I realized it was amazing to me to be able to talk about it without tears.

My point is, things change slowly, almost to the point of not recognizing that we are adjusting, we are reaching and growing. I will never forget Bob and the hurt that came into my existence on Memorial Day 2007 and I may not be able to tell my story without tears the next time it comes up. I don't pretend too much anymore. I let the tears come when they must. So many things are beyond my control. Crying is just one of them.

Kath