Random Thoughts

[kath]

Hi,

Most of you know that I have been fortunate to find a new job after 15 months of unemployment. I am so glad to not have to look for work in this economy! And, I love my job...I'm a parish secretary. A lot of the parishioners are coming in to meet me and it's been a really warm welcome. They usually ask about my family and when I tell them I'm widowed, they are shocked (I'm a young 49) and they want to hear the story. That is fine. I don't mind sharing about my beloved husband. Sometimes I cry, sometimes not, but it's been okay so far.

So, on my drive home I have been re-thinking the details of our lives. I miss the contentment we had with each other and the ease of being together. After nearly 27 years we fit together very comfortably. I cried just thinking about that...missing the easiness of our relationship and longing to talk about all the changes in my life. Today I watched a couple set up the Hall for their wedding reception. I was just staring at all the activity when I got all choked up and had a "grief moment."

I received an e-mail yesterday from one of Bob's co-workers. They moved their company 50 miles further. (Bob's drive was already 40 miles) so this would have really upset him. When things like this happen, I feel like he left this earth at just the right time. He would have only struggled more with finding new work or a commute he hated. I know these seem like little things, but to him, either option would have been a major inconvenience.

I don't know where I'm going with all this...like the topic says, these are just random thoughts.

[marsha]

Kath - I understand what you're saying. I watched the inauguration, and burst into tears before it barely got started. I have no idea where it came from, but part of it was seeing history, and Joe not being there to see it as well. It's the world continuing on, as it always does, and we're on it. It's like we have no choice but to keep going, but to me there's a part that feels like the further I go, the further back is the reality of my marriage. Meaning that what I have in my heart is what's left. Plus that I have no choice in the matter - I can't make the world stop, I know I have to move forward, I'm doing so, yet it's sometimes so painful emotionally. As I grow, how different would I have been growing with Joe, or growing alone now? I guess I'm adding my random thoughts to yours, Kath - Marsha

[kath]

I hear you. Do you still catch yourself making a mental note to "remember to tell" him? I still look at the clock some nights and wonder if he'll be home on time. A huge part of my life was being married. I kind of went through a phase where I felt I was leaving him behind. I think it's a phase, because as I get more comfortable in my singleness, Bob feels more of who I am. We shared so much of the same likes that he is integral in my thoughts and actions. I even e-mailed some jokes in his name, because I knew he would have sent them on if he were here. When I laughed, it was as if he laughed with me.

[kayc]

Kath,

I can relate...the company George worked for had 1700 employees when he was alive, but now they're going under and no longer running. I am glad George isn't here to see this.

On the other hand, we fit so well together and were so happy with each other, I realize I'll probably never experience anything even remotely close to this again and that makes me sad...I miss him so much I can't bear to think about it. Suffice it to say there is just no one that could take his place or fill his shoes...as it should be. It's beautiful when you think about all of the wonderful marriages represented here by "the other half" that was left. We were fortunate.

[WendyJ]

Oh gosh I so much miss the normal routine that Steve and I had, I guess some people would think it was boring but we just loved being together and doing the simple things in life. I miss walking in the door at night and since he was on disability I would already smell dinner cooking and fresh coffee being made so we could sit together and talk about our day. Now with all that is going on in the world I too wonder what he would think about all of this. I too keep mental notes to tell him about things, and then soon realize he is not here to tell. It has been almost 2 years for me and I still do some of the things you guys mentioned, maybe we always will.

Love Always,

Wendy