So Very Lonely

[Chai]

Dear community,

I apologize for utterly spamming this board. I know there are other threads on loneliness...but I wanted to express my feelings here...and couldn't seem to find what I was looking for via 'search.'

For some reason, I am sometimes okay during the day. But during the night, it is awful. I cry before I go to sleep. A lot. And I feel really lonely. Like if I woke up some friend in the middle of the night, I think they would be scared of my crazy crying and couldn't really comfort me. I have my bear to hug, but there is really no one to hug me, to comfort me when I am sad.

In these moments, I think of my mom and how I wish she were here to hug me, if only I weren't at school hours away. And I think of my dad's hugs, and how his hands would be very callused, and how when I'd visit him I'd hear his flip flops flopping at like 3 in the morning...which was a comforting sound. Sometimes, I don't want to talk, I just want a hug, and no one is here to hug me.

Of course, I have this wonderful site, and it's fabulous, I'd be so much worse the wear without it. But at the same time...I want people physically around me who can comfort and support me, too, and I don't really feel I have that much at school. And when I'm crying late at night, I can't call someone up...or, I'm crying too much to really talk, a total disgusting mess.

Sometimes I really DO want to talk. I want to just sit down with someone and talk about my dad, not feelings or whatever, just memories and sharing. But I can't do this with my school friends (maybe others...), cause it feels weird...

For instance, I briefly mentioned how chapter 2 in psychology is depressing, because the biology makes me think of when my dad was ill, and one of my friends said "You don't have to talk about it," really quick, like she was scared I was going to. So that made me think in my mind, 'um...thanks...guess you're not one of my 'safe' people I feel I can talk to'... I don't like that reaction, of people fearing my grief. Some of my school friends have seen me cry before. So why are they scared of seeing me cry now, over my dad, when I've a damn good reason to cry?

I do look forward to counseling appointments on Mondays, but by the time Monday rolls around I'm

like, 'okay, gotta focus on such-and-such issue" and feel it's not the right timing to just talk about memories.

So, I just had to come here and type this...and vent...because I can't sleep. Thanks for reading.

[kissmekate]

Sorry that you are feeling so lonely. I think that it is difficult for people your age to be good listeners and comforters. Many of them have not experienced the loss that you have and therefore cannot relate to you. It makes them uncomfortable, plain and simple. Are there any grief support systems on your campus or nearby the school? You may be able to find people who have experienced a loss to the degree that you have. I know that it must be frustrating for you. I had a friend whose mother died in high school. I felt very sad for her, but at the time (ashamed to say now) I had no idea what to say to her. I think in many ways it is a level of maturity. You are more mature because you have expeirenced something that most people do not until they are older. I am glad that you find comfort here and hope that you will be able to find more support at school. Remember that even though your dad is no longer there to hug you physically, he is always with you watching over you and sending his love.

[JeanneC]

Dear Chai:

I too feel very lonely, especially lately. Maybe it is the winter and it is always dark. At night during the week it is not so bad. I get home from work around 7. If feed my cats, have some dinner and before you know it is time to go to bed. It's the weekends that really get to me. Most of my friends who live in the NY vacinity, live some distance away, so we don't get to see each other often. I would just like to have a friend to go out to dinner once in awhile or to a movie or shopping. Talking on the phone is ok, but you definitely need some physical interaction.

Jeanne

[mlg]

My dear Chai

I think late night is the bad time for most of us. After the initial "grieving days" of the visitation and funeral if we had one that we are lost in a fog of sorts. I know after I went back to work I found that the days weren't so bad but I still had to come home to an empty house at night. Granted when the weather was better I had yard work to keep me occupied but again once you've done it you go in to an empty house. I have a friend who said when her husb. first died she'd come home from work and couldn't open the door and get in the car and go some place. She'd come home later and could go in.

I think that is why I have stayed in my grief support group so long. It gives me people to interact with and gets me out of the house. I know I can't keep so occupied that I will never remember Tom but if I can at least do things once a week I think I can maintain my sanity (some people would say I wasn't sane in the first place).

Just know that you are not alone in all of this. I don't know if you have night classes or not but if you don't are there card clubs, trivia clubs or something like that you could join just to take up the time. Let it be something fun. The problem is none of us here know you well enough to know your interests. You had said you weren't religious so that leaves out church things unless you just want to seek one out to try. I know our church has "classes" just to tell people what are religion is about and there are sometimes just people who are curious there besides those who want to join. Hey, at least it takes up time.

Just keep coming here because I know that you know we all care about you and maybe someday we'll be able to figure out something that can help. Time is the biggest thing. It just takes time and for some of us it takes longer than others and remember you haven't had that much time yet.

[leeann]

But during the night, it is awful. I cry before I go to sleep. A lot. And I feel really lonely.

Yeah this is only too familiar to me. I just endure it because I really think that's just part of the grief and it must somehow need to happen. I don't wake anyone up.. nope.. not even my hub. I don't see the need to as I don't think saying anything at that time is rather helpful. I just ride the wave of pain and express it through tears. I don't look at how I feel at those moments as something "wrong". I just simply figure it is part of the process.. a part of the grief journey.

I have found no one really wants to listen to me go on and on about how awful I miss them. And I have also found... it doesn't really help me in the long run to do that. I have my moments of missing them and tears privately most of the time.

I come here and I read and sometimes type. And that helps as I know people here understand.

But truly.. I don't know what to say to someone that would really make me feel any better. What do I say?? "I'm lonely & sad because I miss my folks." But of course I am. It's just the way it is. Does expressing that actually comfort me?? NO.. it doesn't. But that's me.

And unfortunately, reality is not many want to hear about my sadness. I guess they have enough of their own to cope with.

But talking about the people I lost and relaying memories... sure.. I do that when it comes up.

So you seemed to say that you would like to talk to your school friends about your memories and share about your Dad, but you don't because it feels "weird".

Well maybe that's because it's new. Sharing memories and other things about our lost loved ones is something NONE of us are used to. One grows used to it. I find that it isn't automatic and smooth at all at first. Feeling more comfortable doing it, only comes with doing it more. I felt odd too at the beginning recalling stuff. But.. I got more comfortble doing it the more often I did share.

It also let people know that I am comfortable talking about my lost loved one. And that.. I think... may put others at ease a bit.

I notice even if I well up, or my eyes get moist while recalling a fond memory... that doesn't freak them out as much anymore. They have accepted my emotions.. because they notice maybe that I have accepted them and am comfortable with them.. even though they are painful ones at times. So my own acceptance fosters theirs..

Am I making any sense?

leeann

[Chai]

Hello all,

Thank you for loving and thoughtful responses. Reading of your experiences does make me feel better, and I know I can talk to you guys.

(((kissmekate))), you are right, I think. My peers don't really know how to handle something like this. I really loved your last sentence..."Remember that even though your dad is no longer there to hug you physically, he is always with you watching over you and sending his love."

(((Jeanne))), it is definitely hard. Sometimes we have to just do what works for us - like you are, with going in the house later. This longing I have is shared by you, for some physical support...

(((mlg))), I think you are right, that throwing myself into some activity more will help me feel less alone. I am religious, and one thing I have resolved to do is try to involve myself more with my spiritual activities and association. It is comforting, it really is, I just have to make the time to go and do it, or pick up the phone and talk to someone. I also hope to go more places with friends (there isn't much on-campus)

(((Leanne))), I really like what you said, about just....just talk, even if it feels "weird" at first, and eventually it won't feel so weird. I'll just have to try, and be sure to pick my people carefully, and just start talking and get comfortable with that person. You do make sense, the whole accepting part, about once I've accepted they accept it...interesting.

I'm so glad I have you all to talk to, otherwise I'd be even worse right now...

[Karen MH]

Dearest Chai,

Are you surrounded only by people in your age group? Any older people around? grandparents, great-grandparents, etc.? Generally, the older people are, the more likely they

1. have experienced what you have and can relate;

2. understand feelings and know what to do with them;

3. know what support you need.

Do you have a study partner, study group, tutor, etc. to help you keep on track in your coursework? Do your professors know what has happened for you? I know that "grief fog" is common for the first year or so, and I would definitely need someone to "hold my hand" to help me remember due dates, requirements, etc.

Good for you for going to counseling. That takes care of Mondays. For other days of the week, are there grief support groups at your faith organization, school, town? Try each one maybe, or just one.

Are there poetry clubs at your school? Maybe you could hear others' poetry as well as share your own. (You write beautifully!) Many times, poets are sensitive and more likely to understand your feelings.

I hope you find ALL the wonderful support that is out there. The reciprocal is that others would be very blessed to know your spark, life, and energy.

Blessings,

Karen MH

[Chai]

Dear Karen,

I'm sorry for taking long to reply. I've been out of the loop, didn't realize this was here.

I pretty much am surrounded only by people in my age group. I live with them, all around me. On the weekends, they're it. The only adults are teacher, faculty, staff, people who work at the library with me. I have my mother to talk to, but...I don't know. She's so worried about my being happy, I think she tries too much to put a spiritual perspective on things, and then I feel like I should say "Yeah, okay," and act fine, to make her happy. So, not sure if she is the right person who is older to talk to.

I've been thinking of sending an email out to my professors telling them. I just haven't mustered the guts to do it yet. But I really need to. I have a couple classes with friends who could help me keep track of things in classes. The times that I'm really worried about, are the 17ths, because I've been counting off the anniversaries of my dad's passing away on November 17th, and I tend to get very affected on the 17th. Who knows what will happen this time. So, going to classses on that day, the 17th...is even tougher.

I am hoping to have a couple friends to talk to, if I reall yneed to talk, on the week days. Otherwise, I don't know...because, I really love being able to just talk to my counselor, and get advice. I don't required advice from my friends, but just having a listening ear...

I am in a poetry class, and I have found myself writing poems relating to what I am going through. It really helps.

I don't mean to seem like I waved what you had to say away. I do wish I had more to talk to, and a physical grief support group would help me get a lot of emotions onto the table, I think. I hope I can find the support I need.

Thank you so much for your kind and caring response.

blessings and take care,

Chai