I'm So Depressed Today!

[SIR]

Hi all,

As in the title of this post, I am so depressed today. I miss my mom so much!!!! I don't know how much more I can handle. I just want to die and be with her! I don't have anymore life in me. The worse part for me is work. I'll give you a little back ground.

I work night shift and 12 hours a day for 3 or 4 days a week. This is the hardest part for me because I used to call my mom everynight while I was at work. I loved the time that we got to spend together. But I need more. Like many others my mom was my best friend. I could tell her anything. She could tell me anything. In fact we talked about everything. I think that everyone has gotten on with their lifes but me. I'm still stuck in the past and can't seem to get over it. I've got 4 brothers that are all older and they are doing fine. I do have a boyfriend that I live with but it's just not the same. I need my mom. I miss her in the worse way!

Why did she have to go? One month before she passed away all was good. She was happy. There was nothing wrong. She didn't seem of have any problems. In fact 2 days before she passed away she was fine. I seen her and once again she was happy. Two days later she had (what I believe was) a heart attack and she was gone. I still can't believe it. Why didn't I stay with her for a little bit longer. I need her to hug me again, tell me that she loves me again. I just need her in general. Oh well, I don't know what else to say. I guess I'll close for now.

Thanks for listening.

Russ

[arizonalatina1978]

Russ,

As I read your post, my heart aches for you. I too of course am experiencing the same thing. Somedays are better than others. As far as everyone else getting on with their life? Don't worry so much about them. It sounds as if your Mother and you had a special relationship. And a relationship like that, I know will take some time.

I too lost my mother 'unexpectantly'. She had, had her ups and downs and close calls during the year. But she was getting better, or so we thought. The day before she got sick, I spent all morning with her, having our favorite breakfast, never knowing that she was dying in front of me. Like your Mom, she was happy.

I know all about the 'missing' hugs thing. It pains me sometimes thinking that I didnt give her enough hugs & kisses, or that I didnt spend enough time with her. But we both should remember, hard as it may that we were lucky enough to give them our love and more importantly that we were able to receive their love. This is something that I tell myself EVERYDAY, EVERY HOUR and EVERY MINUTE since I lost Mom. We have to be strong. I know that is said to us sooo many times. But its true.

I am new at this whole thing, its been a year since I lost my Mother. And I know I havent fully accepted what has happened and how its changed my life. But hopefully by doing this - and sharing my experiences, limited as they have been it'll help me. I hope that something I've said gives you comfort. I know from experience there is NO ONE that can replace Mom. We just have to keep moving, as difficult as it is. Be strong, and take care!!

Always,

Wendy

[missthem2much]

Russ,

When my Mom passed away, it was totally unexpected and I was

the one who ended up having to perform CPR. Unfortunately, it

had been at least 4 years since I'd had any training, and I look

back now and see how many things I could have done differently.

I beat myself up every day about if I had remembered this technique,

or if I had remembered to do that. Supposedly, my CPR was what

allowed the paramedics and doctor to finally get her heart started

again, after nearly 30 mins. but of course that was only enough to

keep it going with medication while they life flighted her out, and

to run tests to see what had happened. And, for the rest of the

family to be by her side. But, in my mind, I feel as though I let her

down, in the biggest way. I did the best I could do, which is

more than would have been done otherwise, though.

There have been days since losing my Mom (and my Dad before

her), that I described the way I felt as seeming to be in a deep

muddy, oily pit; trying to climb out but always sliding back down.

The pain was excruciating, but honestly, it does get better. The old

cliche about time is true. The pain hasnt gone away, but I'm slowly

learning to be happy, in the way my parents wanted me to be.

I know, it would truly break their hearts to see us so lost.

But, my Mom always told me that, as painful as losing her parents,

and later my Dad, that the pain does get easier to handle. Over time.

I remember my Mom telling me many times, after losing my Dad and

being so extremely heartbroken and lost without him.....

"The pain never goes away, but it does get easier to handle...you

learn to handle it".

I have found that as much as I miss her right now, and I miss my Dad,

the horrible pain and the feeling of not wanting to live, that I felt

during the weeks and months after losing first Dad, and then Mom,

only 6 years later, have, just as Mom told me,become much easier

to handle. And, that pain has subsided.

I try always to remember how much my Mom would want me to live

and to be happy. And, the closeness you describe between yourself

and your Mom, make me feel that your Mom would surely want you

to find happiness by living and honoring her memory in the way that

you live your life. It's so very hard to go down this path, without our

Mom's here. Somehow, as much as I miss my Dad, and like you, I

wanted to die so that I could be with "my Daddy" as I told my husband.

I found that losing my Mom was so much worse, somehow.

Is there a way you could call your boyfriend in the evenings, at the

time you used to call your Mom? I know it's in no way the same,

but if you can begin to slowly give yourself something else

to think about during those times that are the worst for you, it may

help to take the edge off, just a little. Even to change your routine,

little by little, or even a total change of routine, to help move your

thoughts in a different direction for a few minutes at a time, possibly.

I know this is rather long, but like Wendy, my heart aches for you.

Knowing what you are experiencing, my heart goes out to you,

and I pray you find peace.

[missthem2much]

Hi Russ,

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you, and

hoping you are okay.

Terri

[SIR]

Hello Terri,

How are you doing? I am doing "OKAY", about as good as expected. I still think about my mom and cry sometimes, but it's getting a little better. Like everyone else, I have my good days and I've got my bad. You know the routeen... Anyway, email me back if you get the chance.

Russ

[Pam7477]

Lost my mom December 10, and my sister-in-law December 23. My pain is too painful to bear. How do I get through this?

Pam

[MartyT]

Oh my dear Pam, I am so very, very sorry to learn that you've been hit with not one but two significant losses, and both of them at such a difficult time of year. You have my deepest sympathy.

How I wish I could take that pain away from you, but sadly I cannot. This is your pain, your grief, your journey, and you must find your own way. All I can do – all any of us can do – is offer to walk beside you so that you do not walk alone.

You ask how you get through this, and trite as it sounds, you do it one day at a time, and if that is too difficult, you do it one hour, even one moment at a time and be grateful and proud that you've made it that far. You also get through it by mobilizing and utilizing all the resources you can find – and if you don’t have the energy to do that, you ask a friend or relative (or one of those people at the funeral who told you, “If there is anything I can do . . .”) to do it for you. I see in your member profile that a hospice was involved in the care of one or both of your family members, so that would be a very good place to start. Call your hospice, ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator or Social Worker, and find out what bereavement services are available. Most hospices provide individual and family grief support for up to one year following a death of a family member who was on their service, and they offer bereavement support groups as well. (For others reading this, please know that the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization maintains a database of hospices for each state in the United States. To search for a hospice in your own community, click on Find a Hospice Program. If you are mourning the death of a child, check the national office of The Compassionate Friends to see if there is a support group near you.)

When you feel able to sit and to concentrate long enough to do so, I hope you'll pay a long visit to my Grief Healing Web site. Spend some time on each of the pages there, especially the Articles and Books page, the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page and the Links: Bereavement and Loss Sites. I encourage you to do some reading about normal grief, so you'll know better what to expect and what you can do to manage your own reactions as you face the weeks and months ahead.

At the very least, please know that we are thinking of you.

Wishing you peace and healing.

Marty T

[Pam7477]

Thanks for the reply Marty. I do take it one day at a time. Tomorrow will be one month since my mom died. It was a "good" death - she was in no pain, we didn't force extraordinary measures, we had her moved to hospice when the time was right, she got to say goodbye to family members. And yet. I can't believe how a person you love so much can suddenly just disappear from the face of the earth. It just seems so cruel. My mom was the one person who loved me undconditionally - it's the kind of love you receive from no one else, not a spouse, a child or a sibling. In spite of having a wonderful family, I suddenly feel so all alone. My world has shifted on its axis.