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Frustration


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so i don't know if any one is frustrated by this as much as i am but it really truly bugs me to no end. through my mother's wake and funeral and ever afterwards people would always come up to me and tell me that they knew what i was going through. well i'm sorry but NEWS FLASH NO you don't know!!!! unless for someone reason you had the exact same thing happen to you then actually don't know at all. ok yes you may have lost your mom but when and how. you know i have always heard people say that and its always really bugged me even through the deaths of my grandpa, grandma, aunt, and great uncle and it never peeved as much as it did when it was my mom. i just wanted to lash out at these people that would say this to me and to this day 9 months later i still want to just go crazy on these people and yell at them and make them realize what they are actually saying.

well thanks for the vent.

Stacey

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Dear Stacey,

You're right. How can anyone understand what it feels like to have your heart ripped out of your chest and twisted while you are sitting there, painfully aware and feeling every bit of it? Knowing how horrific it is, do we ever really want anyone to know how it feels? You've been through so much loss. Each one piles on top of the other and each new loss brings more sorrow for the ones before.

I wanted to go ballistic when my mom tried to help me by saying, "Did you see Bob, he was there." All I could think of was if he was there, I woudn't be so darn depressed, of course I didn't see him, of course he wasn't there. People want to make us feel better. How can they? Usually what helps is just having someone listen, without advice or trying to make the sadness go away. They just don't know what to do.

Keep venting here to us. While your situation may be unique, the anger, the lonliness, the confusion, the hurt are all too familiar.

Kath

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i totally agree with everything. a lot of time i just want to scream at people "well are you 21 did your mom have a stroke the day before your 21st birthday, did you spend your birthday and a whole mother a long side your 46 year old mother and unable to do anything but talk to her and hold her hand, did you have to make choses that now 21 year old should have to make, did you watch your future step dad get his heart ripped and shredded apart knowing his finance most likely wasn't gonna make it" "yep that's right i thought not." that's just a vent of mine that i would love to scream into someone's face when they tell me they know what i'm going through.

well thanks again for the vent.

Stacey

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I know what you mean when you say it hurts, but I also know I would rather them say something, anything rather than ignore me. Honestly, people don't know what to say and I think some of them are just trying to open a door for the future so you will know that you can talk to them.

I also found being bitter with everyone only makes me an ugly person. Yes, I am dying inside but I have to accept what is and tha fact that I can't change it no matter how badly I want to. I am still working on this part and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I want to go back to that night in the ER and tell them that they have the wrong xray films - that this can't be happening to me, but it is.

So keep taking baby steps, moment by moment and maybe one day we will get through this.

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Hi All,

I know what you are saying, when my mom died everyone kept saying don't cry be strong, or you can not let your dad see you cry or he will cry... I hated hearing that all the time especially when that is all I wanted to do... Another thing that was said that hurt when I heard it was things are going to get better... At the time of the deaths of my parents all I could think of is how awful things were and I did not believe things would be better... Hope this helps Shelley

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I am so sorry that you are so frustrated. I lost my mom on December 2, 2008. I am much older than you, but it is still extremely painful. I think that people who have not had such an enormous loss they don't know what to say. They can sympathize, but they cannot express true empathy if there mother is still alive. When my mom died my friends whose parents are still alive kept saying "Call me if you just need to talk." But I knew they really didn't mean it. Sure they would listen to me for about two minutes and the responses are always the same cliches. The fact is that no one really wants to discuss grief, unless they are right smack in the middle of it like we are. And even then some people are just not comfortable allowing you to have the feelings that you have. I found this yesterday on a Lung Cancer support group.

"By Suzanne Miller:

My husband died.

There- It's down in black and white. What I mean is, he's still alive in spirit, but his body died. And that's how I became a member of the community of the bereaved. and as a member I ask for your understanding. Not your pity-your understanding.

As individuals, we in the community of the bereaved need you. Don't worry about saying the "Right things." We're tired of cliches. We know our "dear ones are at peace with God" and they feel no more pain.

But, we still miss their physcial presence. There was this one person on earth to whom we were the most important: one person who knew us so completely that no words were necessary. We miss that.

If we seem distant, please understand. Some of us are still in shock. Even if the illness was long and the prognosis unfavorable, we maintained the hope that death wouldn't come. We had to. How else could we face each other and encourage our loved one?

If we seem angry, please understand. Most of us are angry, but we know that God accepts our anger and refineds it into energy that will be vital in our outreach to others.

If tears come at inappropriate times and places, please understand. Our emotions, even yet are raw. Just when we think we are in control, a song or a scent-or a feeling of utter desolation overcome us.

Or, if we laugh, know that deep inside we are hurting. We know that God has given us the gift of sense of humor and that our loved ones are rejoicing that we are exercising this gift.

We may be forgetful. Sleep is elusive, we may not eat properly: we may make foolish purchases. Please don't condemn us. Just know it can be part of the grieving process. In time, we'll come around.

And please, oh please, let us follow our own timetables. We each march or stumble along the route at our own pace. Grief has not calendar: don't hold us to a timetable. For the moment, we are drifitng, buoyed by the love of God and our faith in Jesus Christ.

This faith, along with your understanding, will enable us-eventually- to celebrate life once again. "

I like the last few lines the best. They really hit home and allow me to realize that I need no aplogies for my feelings- and I have no control over when I will feel this overwhelming sadness. Please remember that when someone does not say the right thing, it doesn't mean they do not care. They just do not know, and also remember we used to be those people.

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thank you kissmekate that put me into a different place of mind. but really the only thing that upset me that was said to me was "i know what your going through" i know these people don't know what to say and are lost at words most of the time but i still think that this is something they should have realized what was coming out of their mouths. i know these people cared for me but they should then realize what is being said when they say that.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I agree that sometimes I just want someone to listen and care instead of say something wrong. But I also agree that it's better for them to try than not because if they ignore the situation it doesn't mean you'll forget your loved one, you never forget for a moment. I remember my mom telling me, years ago, how she appreciated me because I would talk about my dad with her (he died 27 years ago), she said so many people pretend like he didn't exist but there's not a day goes by but what she doesn't think of him, even now.

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