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I Feel Like I Died Right Along With Her!


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Where do I start? First time on here hoping I could get some advice on what to do with these feelings. I just recently lost my mother Oct 6, 2004 after her 2 year battle with breast cancer. I feel like a piece of me died right along with her. I was always close to my mother... She was so close with my children... I dont know how to explain the hurt I feel inside.. Numb, feel like my whole chest has been riped out.. I feel like I dont want to go on I rather be dead. But I realize I have 2 children of my own to take care of.I was down visiting my mother for 2 weeks then I had to come back home. I get a call 4 days later to come home she is doing really bad and before I could get there she died.... She was in so much pain hospice had to come in and start her on morphen to take away the pain and she didnt last but a day after that. She was such an amazing women, who helped me through all my tough times in life except right now. She has always thaught me to be strong... I tried and tried so hard to be strong. I was strong while I was down there taking care of things and infront of all the other family I was so strong and now I just cant! At this time of events I was also pregnant and just lost my baby as well... My relationship with my other half has just crumbled to pieces.. My life is falling apart. I have no choice now to move back home because I cant deal with this. I have one sister and 3 brothers... My sister and I are staying close but the boys are kind of in there own world but my youngest brother who is only 13. God I cant imagen what that poor kid is going through?

What do I do with these feelings? How do I deal with this all.. How can I make sure I want to wake up each morning? Because right now I dont care if I live or die... Sometimes I think I am not being a good mother so maybe my kids would be better off without me... But deep down inside I know I can be a good mother just like mine was... I want to be there for my children but I cant deal with all this hurt and pain!

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Wow did your entry hit home. I lost my mom to breast cancer 2 weeks ago. As a single mom to 3 boys, I have found it very difficult to be there for my kids when I am such a mess. My mom was SO strong that many times while she was laying in her bed and I was sitting with her crying, she would tell me that it was OK and I don't need to cry. My mother raised all of her 9 kids to be so strong and independent. I appreciate that but it sometimes this has made me feel like I should quit crying and move on. It is amazing how much you need your mom when you are a mom. I have been married and divorced two times and now my mom dying, I feel like everyone in my life is going to leave me.

I watched my mom die and that was the MOST DIFFICULT thing I have ever been through. She was in so much pain and required so much medicine that it was a relief when she did actually die, but maybe it was good that you didn't see your mom stop breathing because it is haunting. I questioned if there was a god after watching what happened to her. The day before my mom died she told us (her daughters that were with her) that there were many people with her, specifically a very cute 12 year old girl. (None of us are young, all of her daughters are moms)

Ever since my moms death, I have felt my mom with me a couple of times. This has been a very spiritual experience but I have not gotten to the point that I am grateful that she is no longer fighting the cancer. Maybe that is very selfish of me to just want her still living but my kids need their grandma and I need my mom. Sometimes I get really angry and feel destructive inside. I am looking for something to make me happy or something that help me not feel so emotional so much. But unfortunately this grieving thing takes time and I am not so patient.

It has been helpful for me to talk to people that have lost a parent, it seems that these are the only people that TRULY understand what we are going through.

Sometimes when I feel like I would rather die than feel like I do, I think that I want my kids to grow up with a great mom like I had and I wouldn't want my boys to go through the same thing I am. I want my kids to know that it is OK to feel sad but that we also need to have a positive attitude towards as much as you can.

I hope you can work things out with your other half because I really wish that I had someone that loves me to help me through this.

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Hello,

I wanted to write and let you know that I know exactly what you are going through. Here is a little back ground about me. I am a 32 year old male. I lost my mom on September 29th, 2004. That was the worst day of my life. She passed away suddenly from a heart attack, at home, in her sleep. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry or think about her.

At points I don't want to go on, in fact I often wonder why am I going on. I don't have any kids, I do have a mate, but I need my mom. I have all ways needed my mom. I enjoyed talking to her on the phone and visiting her on a semi-regular basis. I've got 4 older brothers but they don't really live that close to me and we aren't really that close. As sad as this sound I don't need them, I need her. Her passing has left a huge whole in my life. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I walk around in a daze all the time and don't feel like doing anything or even getting out of bed most of the time.

Visiting my step-father is just weird anymore. I never really went to visit him I always went to see her. I never talked to him on the phone. But I still feel like I have to support him, I don't really like it. If I had the choice I probably wouldn't have much contact with him at this point. But I feel sorry for him. I feel like I'm the only contact that he's got to the outside world. He never gets any visitors or calls or anything. I feel really bad for him.

To make matters worse on the same day that your mom passed away, my grandma, passed away (my favorite Grandma) one year earlier, October 6, 2003. I was just barely adjusting to that. This was my step-fathers mom. She was only 65! My mom was only 63! I feel all alone!!! Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone.....

Thanks for listening.

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Hi,

I wanted to reply because you ask how to deal with your many painful feelings...I lost my mother on August 23, 2003, suddenly, we think it was suicide, but we really don't know. I know how hard it is to deal with many feelings. I, like you, was (am) angry, sad, shocked, and plain just can't believe it, even still. My best advice is to deal with one feeling at a time, feel each feeling to the fullest and either take a break, or move onto the next feeling. As far as family issues along with grief issues, again, take one at a time because all together they are overwhelming. Sometimes I put off feeling for a while; just to get through the day and then I resume feeling when I can appreciate each feeling and what it is trying to tell me. Be angry, be sad, be how you feel, that is the only way I have been able to handle what I am going through. The only thing to watch out for is that you don't take out your feelings on innocent bystanders. That is a hard one for me, but I think I can handle that one as well now. I'm no expert on handling feelings, but what I am writing here has helped me tremendously in dealing with my life without my mom. We all know that sometime our parents will pass away, but when, how, where, why are all unknown. No one can be prepared for that and when that time comes, having courage to say good bye is not easy. I dream about my mom often and I always feel happy when I wake up, like she was talking to me and giving advice, and I got to hug her and hold her hand and smell her favorite perfume while we were together.

May you find peace in your memories. I hope I have helped somewhat. Take care.

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Hi all........I just wanted to add that I can so identify with all of these feelings I have been reading about. I lost my dear mother on 9/20. She had never been sick a day in her life until a year and a helf ago when she "accidentally" found out she had lung cancer. She had a lung removed, radiation, refused chemo and had a fairly good prognosis until 5 months later when it returned in her brain. She had surgery again, more radation and it returned again. Rather then out her through any more as she was rapidly getting weaker and weaker, they suggested a nursing home as she was having neurological problems and needed constant care. They gave her 6 months which was devestating.......it turned out to be 3 weeks. The differences I see is that my Mom was never strong.......as the oldest it was always me that cared for her. We were very close, but 3 years ago I moved away. During her illness I returned home to care for her 3 times. I was due to return for a visit on 9/28 when I got a call on the 19th that iut was bad and I needed to come sooner. I changed my plane tickets for the next day, the 20th. She died during the night and I didn't make it. I talked on the phone to her every day until she couldn't even use the phone any longer. She knew I was coming, and I didn't. I feel such loss and hury and guilt. I long to hear her voice. I actually say to myself, "gee I gotta call Mom and tell her that" and then remember I can't. It is all so surreal. I try to picture her face and already it is hard and that is very upsetting. Other times I can and that is upsetting too. I feel as though I am losing my mind. It has been about 6 weeks and it still is like it is not real. If you would like to share or if I can help even though I am a basket case myself, I am here. You are not alone. I don't know whst else to say........thanks for listening.....

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Hi,

I wanted to reply because you ask how to deal with your many painful feelings...I lost my mother on August 23, 2003, suddenly, we think it was suicide, but we really don't know.  I know how hard it is to deal with many feelings.  I, like you, was (am) angry, sad, shocked, and plain just can't believe it, even still.  My best advice is to deal with one feeling at a time, feel each feeling to the fullest and either take a break, or move onto the next feeling.  As far as family issues along with grief issues, again, take one at a time because all together they are overwhelming.  Sometimes I put off feeling for a while; just to get through the day and then I resume feeling when I can appreciate each feeling and what it is trying to tell me.  Be angry, be sad, be how you feel, that is the only way I have been able to handle what I am going through.  The only thing to watch out for is that you don't take out your feelings on innocent bystanders.  That is a hard one for me, but I think I can handle that one as well now.  I'm no expert on handling feelings, but what I am writing here has helped me tremendously in dealing with my life without my mom.  We all know that sometime our parents will pass away, but when, how, where, why are all unknown. No one can be prepared for that and when that time comes, having courage to say good bye is not easy.  I dream about my mom often and I always feel happy when I wake up, like she was talking to me and giving advice, and I got to hug her and hold her hand and smell her favorite perfume while we were together.

May you find peace in your memories. I hope I have helped somewhat.  Take care.

rolleyes.gif Thank you all for all your replies... It makes me feel like you guys know where I am coming from. Thank you to all of you for your support, seeing this is the only place I can find any! This is deffently a roller coaster ride. I am ok some days and other days I feel so blah... Today is an ok day but I think that is because of the change of weather. I love the cold weather and its starting to get cool here. Although it brings along the holidays which I dont know how we will get through thoses especialy when my mother made them a big deal.. I have been trying to keep the tradtions going... I wish everyone the best with all that they are going through...

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