What Do You Say To People When...

[emptyinside]

What do you say to people who say, "Feel happy, feel better, or you'll be destroyed by this/will be an unhappy person," etc. I feel like saying, "Look, you're not close to your father; there's no way you can tell me how to feel or not feel because that means you're disrespecting my love for him." I just feel like my dad is being disrespected when people tell me not to feel sad. They don't understand how he's my favorite person, how this has hurt me so deeply. It's not like I lost my favorite earrings! :angry: :angry:

I still don't know 100% what happened to my dad in the hospital. I HAVE to find out. My extended family (they're in a different country, so the attitudes are different) wants me to let it go and just not ask questions, not bother the doctors, but I am PISSED and need to find out why. I know myself REALLY well. If I don't find out, I will go nuts (well, even more than I am now). I'm not taking this lying down.

I have friends who understand me, but that's because we were brought up in the same place. My family in another country have a more "Eh, why ask questions" attitude, which just angers me. It pisses me off that they just want to let it go. Seriously, if someone in their family died mysteriously, the next day they'd just have dinner and move on without expressing their feelings, even if it was a murder. It's not "right" to express sadness or cry; people bottle it in.

What should I say to one of them? I'm grateful one of them is willing to help me find out with asking questions. But I have to say something to him to get him to stop the stupid "Don't cry at all, crying is bad for you, everyone has to go, smile right now" BS that serves nothing but makes me more sad and angry. I really want to say, "You have both your parents and you're twice my age! Don't tell me to smile!"

[MartyT]

Hi Em ~ See if this post helps: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=25831

[Chai]

I think the best thing to do, when people try to force you to feel better, is be honest. Tell them the truth, that you are not feeling like forcing yourself to be happy is the right move for you right now. I think it would be okay to say, that you need time to live within your grief, and it is far too soon to be expecting you to be happy right now, and you could say, "Thank you for caring so much for my happiness, but I am still moving through my grief process. I'd really appreciate a hug." Then they can give you one, and that way they can be more understanding of the space you are in, and more respectful of it.

I can understand that driving force of wanting to find out all the details. While you are on that quest, please remember to give yourself breathers and be gentle. But it is important. I hope you find the information you want.

As far as the relatives go, I think you are doing good, you are not allowing their mindsets to make you feel weird. This is your way of processing grief and you have a right to do it your way and defend your way.

The one who you want to stop telling you "smile," why not just tell him? You can say to him, "Please don't ask me to feel this way, because I am in a space right now where I need to reside within my grief and give time to myself. I am not ready to be like that yet, but thank you for caring about my welfare." And hopefully he won't keep being pushy.

I'm sorry their that you are so upset. I would be mad, too. They just don't know what it's like.

[emptyinside]

Thanks, Chai. Good advice. Normally I'm a very nice and polite person, but I'm not at this moment. Looks like I'm making up for lost time. Whenever relatives say stupid things, I feel the need to scream.

The person was like, "Well, do you think you and I will be alive in 70 or 80 years? We'll all be dead, too; it's how it works. So that should make you feel better. Smile."

Um. Yeah. Thanks. Much better.