My Love, My Life... Gone Forever!

[Gogga]

I'm turning 29 in less than 3 weeks and have been widowed twice. I don't understand. My first husband passed away when I was 20, after 3 years of marriage. Suddenly. Car Accident. It took me 7 years to really accept the fact and to let him go.

I met my last husband at the age of 25, and lost my heart completely. In that same year I fell pregnant but lost a baby girl. I lost her, but I still had him. He comforted me. There was hope for another. Now he's gone. No one to really comfort me.

He died suddenly after an appendix operation. Just stopped breathing. They don't know why. I don't know why.

Losing my first husband was bad, but I had another chance to be happy. My last husband was the love of my life, that once in a lifetime mature love that keeps on forever. Every day, every breath is hell without him! I can't accept the fact that he is gone! I can't live without him! The pain is killing me slowly, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute... I don't know what to do!!!

[kath]

Dear Gogga,

What has happened to you is incomprehendable to us mere humans. There really aren't words to express how sorry I am for you, that you have to go through this, again, at your young age. Your being here is a good first step. You have already lived the heartache once and I can only imagine it is worst the second time. So, keep posting. It helps to talk about it. You don't have to accept anything today. Just breathe, even though I know how impossible that feels so early on. Sleep, eat, pray, cry, write, hang on. We are here for you. Some how, some way, for some reason, you are here. You must be really special.

Kath

[JeanneC]

Dear Gogga:

First I have to say how sorry I am about what has happened to you, especially at such a young age. To go through two deaths of a spouse must be just hard to bear.

I know that there is probably nothing that I can say to make you feel better. I am dealing with the lose of my husband. Everyone has their own grief. You need to really take things very slow. Take time for yourself. When your young it probably will be easier for you.

I hope that you do post on this site. The people here are wonderful and we are here for you.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[mlg]

Dear Gogga,

My eyes are weld up with tears just thinking of your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine your sorrow. You know that you did make it through the first time so you CAN, no matter how hard, make it through again. Just take it second by second for right now and not expect too much from yourself. Hopefully you'll eventually be able to make it at least day to day. I am a little over a year out and that is about all I can still do. I still can't look to the future but hopefully someday both of us will be able to do that.

Know that the people can understand better than most because we have been through it. Each of our stories and circumstances are different but the hurt is still hurt. You can say anything to us.

We will all pray for you.

[kayc]

Gogga,

I am at a loss as to what to say, to go through this TWICE by your age, is just extremely unfair! Sudden loss is very difficult as you don't get any cushioning preparation. All I can say is, I am very, very sorry for your losses, I can only imagine the pain and disbelief you feel. I guess loss is the same at any age, but somehow when you're so young, it really catches you off guard, but then I didn't expect it in my fifties either, I really thought we had at least another 20 years together. You have found a very caring site, a group of people who have also gone through it. Come on line here any time and just vent, you will have audience with others who care and understand and can relate. We are all in this together...

Love,

kay

[Gogga]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all for each and every reply, it is sincerely appreciated. It's sad to say, but it feels good to know there are other people out there who are also experiencing this pain and loss.

Thank you for the advice given as well.

I don't know which could be worse - spending 20/50 years with someone, your whole life & then loosing them, or spending only a short while compared to that? I don't think anybody can say.

People think that because I am still so young & because I have lost a spouse befor, that it will be easier for me. They are so wrong! It only makes it harder...more unbearable...more devastating...

Loosing my first husband, made me feel lost. I thought myself a character in a novel or movie or something. I missed him and it took me years to really accept the fact that he is dead and not coming back, but I have not felt this excrutiating pain and longing as I do now. I think I was in love with my first husband, but it is my late husband that I truly loved. Though I've known him short compared to some of your long marriages, I feel it to be no less painful & agonising. I was so cross, with everyone, especially God. I felt it unfair that I couldn't spend my life with him, as we planned. That I wasn't granted to grow old with him. I still feel bitter, but not so angry as I was.

Sometimes people can be so blunt & unintentionally cruel. Some say I am still young, I'll get over it quickly and move on to another, find love again...What load of rubbish! When I lost my first husband, I admit, I said I'll never love again, never marry again. I did. But this time I know I won't. With my husband's body, I buried my hopes, my dreams of growing old with that someone special, of sharing all the memories with our grandchildren... Most people don't realise how blessed they are to have someone special, to grow old with them.

My birthday will be in 2 weeks & 4 days & 14 hours. It will be without him. We had plans for that day. I don't know how I'll get through it. In May it would have been our 4th anniversary. I already planned it. I would have surprised him with a seafood reservation as he loved seafood and we have never gone out for seafood before. It would have been so special. Every different anniversary date brings back painful & happy memories. The day we met, our first coffee, our first kiss, our first date...It's ripping me apart! And to think I wanted nothing to do with him when we met! It's such a beautiful story, but ended quite sad though. I never thought this could happen again. I thought we would last forever. I miss him so much it hurts!!!

[JeanneC]

Gogga:

I truly know how you feel. Believe me. Everyone here that has lost a spouse knows how you feel. I am not diminishing the loss of a parent, grandparent, aunts, uncles or siblings. I think a child would be the worst. Unfortunately I never had any children. But when you lose your spouse, partner or significant other, the pain goes on forever. I lost both my parents and I have lost grandparents, aunts and uncles and friends. When I lost my mother it was very hard because she was young and I was young. But I recovered. My father was 89 and even though I was heartbroken, I know he lived a good life and I could only wish to live that long and healthy.

This is something that most people who haven't lost their spouse or significant don't know how we feel. They say they do, but in truth, they do not. You would have to go through it. I sometimes feel like I am in the twilight zone. You have recovered from your first husband and you will recover from this.

Just remember that we are all here for you.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[kayc]

Gogga,

When did you lose your spouse? It sounds like you were married about the same length of time as George and I...I lost him 3 years and 8 months to the day, after we were married. I'd been married before but George was my soulmate, the love of my life, my best friend. I was devastated when he died, and it was unexpected too. I wanted to grow old with him, and your right, it does seem unfair. I made the mistake of remarrying, to a friend of his, and that was a huge mistake...he was a con that was only in it to take me for what he could, our divorce was final a month ago. I don't think I would have gotten myself into the situation if I hadn't have been so lost, so crushed, I really was not in my right mind following George's death, and the fact that John was George's friend made me more vulnerable to him. At least you are smart enough not to go that route.

A lot of people assume if you're young it isn't as bad or you'll love again...people can't make those assumptions for you, you are the only one who can know your own mind and heart. The pain is excruciating no matter what the age or length of marriage, and you're right, how can you compare? I think the adjustment may be harder for those who've been married 50 years as they've come to rely on each other in so many ways, but the pain, it's just as tremendous no matter the length of time together...it has more to do with depth and quality of relationship than anything. For those of us with short marriages, we feel gypped that we didn't get more time together, we feel we should have been entitled to XX amount of years, and that didn't happen.

Try to remember that as annoying as some of the things people say are, most of them mean well. Try to set the record straight with them in a firm but nice way...try to smile while you correct them to soften it a bit, but I'd definitely tell them how you feel in as nice a way as possible. Remember, most people haven't been there and have no clue what it feels like or what you encounter. I think a spouse is the hardest thing to lose because they are the person you are accustomed to going to in your troubles and they aren't there now when you need them. They also contribute half the income, half the chores, spend their holidays and weekends with you, you're used to sleeping with them, they're the person you talk over your day with, the person you use as your sounding board. In other words, your spouse is pretty much everything to you. Losing a child feels unnatural, it just shouldn't happen, and you have experienced both. I have miscarried and a lot of people think it's not a big deal if it wasn't born yet, but it is when that child was loved and wanted and you didn't even get to hold him or her. It is still your child and it is still a loss. I am sorry you've had so much, I only hope you have no more losses for a long time to come...life comes with losses, but not usually so much so early.

Give yourself time to adjust and heal, it takes a long time, we'll be here for you.

Love,

Kay

[MartyT]

Gogga, dear, I'm so very sorry, too. There simply are no words to convey our horror and our sorrow at the unspeakable losses you've endured, and so early in your young life. What you've experienced in the last nine years surpasses all human understanding, but I hope that here you can feel the warmth of our embrace as we wrap our loving arms around you and help you to feel less alone.

In addition to all the support that I know you will find here, I want to point you (and others reading this) to some other resources that you may find helpful at some point. When you feel ready and able to explore them, you'll find these (and more) listed on the Death of a Spouse, Partner or Significant Other page of my Grief Healing Web site:

Loss and Found: How We Survived the Loss of a Young Spouse

Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year, Second Edition

I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can: How Young Widows and Widowers Cope and Heal

YoungWidow.org

Young Widows and Widowers

YWOW: Young Widows or Widowers

[Gogga]

Hi Jeanne,

Thanks for your mail, I really appreciate it. Mostly I forget there are others too who share this agony and also went through practically the same. I am sorry that you never had the chance to have children, though I only have my now for over 6 years, I couldn’t have survived life without him. Especially now.

I lost my father when I was 10, but God blessed me with a mom I still have, and although he is far from perfect and I even hate him sometimes – I got a stepfather who could in a way make up for mine. But until today I have not been ready to say good bye to my dad.

Since my first husband died, I have made many mistakes, in my own way trying to cope. Only 6 weeks after his death I met someone new – big mistake. I moved in with the guy after a very short time – bigger mistake. It lasted 7 months. I wanted to out before that but thought my entire family was against me because of what I did. As soon as I realized I was wrong and that my mom still loved me, I broke off the engagement and moved back home. I started clubbing and doing all the wrong stuff. Later fell pregnant with my boy. Was extremely happy, but 7 months after his birth my life spiralled out of control again for no reason. I continued clubbing, leaving my son with mom most of the time. I even left him for 2 months to stay with a boyfriend 900 kilometers from home. I came back. A month before his 3rd birthday I married my hubby who changed my life and taught me how to be a mother to my son.

I sincerely hope to not make the same mistake and I’m trying to keep my focus on my son. He is in any case my only reason for living.

Thanks a lot for you support

Please keep writing and tell me about your experience if you’d like

Blessings

Ebie

Hi Kay,

Thanks for your email, I appreciate each mail from all around.

I lost my hubby 3 weeks, 5 days & 6,5 hours ago. We were married 3 years, 8 months, 9 days, 18 hours. Strange that we had our spouses the same amount of time.

I’m sorry for your losses and the divorce, it is not easy.

I felt exactly the same about my hubby – he was the one. The only one.

Thank you for opening my mind to the cruel things people sometimes say, even though they mean well. I haven’t thought of it that way. I will try my utter best to correct them in a good way, without anger or anything.

I held my little baby-girl in my arms for only one time. She didn’t make it through the pregnancy alive. It was pure agony to hold her in my arms and say good bye. I cried for days and was obsessing to replace what I have lost. I was so desperate to have a baby again that I actually had a phantom pregnancy. Hubby and I were ecstatic a few months after I lost Deidre when I started to feel pregnancy symptoms. Strangely enough, the tests were positive. The sonar showed the tiny dot. We were so happy. We told the world. When I went for my check-up 6 weeks later there was nothing. Zero. Not even traces. We were both devastated. It felt like a miscarriage. Or stillbirth. It brought all the pain back combined with a new pain. After that we stopped trying to fall pregnant. People are wrong when they say a miscarriage is no big deal. It’s a huge loss of someone you loved, wether they were born or not.

But thank you for everything and please keep writing.

Maybe you can tell me your story.

Blessings

Ebie

Hi Marty,

Thank you for your message, it is really appreciated. Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement and understanding.

I will have a look at the website, thank you for brining it under my attention. I really need all the help I can get at the moment.

Thank you so much.

Blessings

Ebie

[kayc]

Ebie,

I am 56 years old and I've had a lot of experiences in life, I tend to think of it in chapters. When I was married to my kids' dad, we went through five years of trying to get pregnant before our daughter was born, then our son came along not too long after that. During that time was when I lost our child...actually, I've lost three, but that's another story. Most people didn't know I was pregnant, let alone the baby had died inside of me, and I endured teasing from people saying "maybe I needed to learn how so and so did it", stuff like that. It was hard watching friends get married and boom get pregnant, like it was effortless, when my husband and I went through so much to try and have a child.

I think it's good to have some space after losing a husband, to heal, to learn your new identity, and also to recover your brain...I had a hard time focusing or thinking right after I lost George. We were so blissfully happy, people used to always comment on how in love we were...and losing him was such a complete shock. Getting remarried was the biggest mistake I've made...had it been to anyone else it might have worked out, but this turned out to be the biggest nightmare of my life...some of my story is posted in "Loss of a Love Relationship". My divorce has been final for five weeks, and although we never lived together, I still need some time to adjust to being just me and finding out what makes me happy...if you can call it happy, certainly not happy like I was with George, but maybe content is a better word. I've been on my own almost four years now, I still can't say as I like it.

It does get better with time, not ever like it was, but as Marty once put it, you get better at coping. Grief seems to be forever, but it evolves with time, it doesn't always stay in the same intensity that it was at first, thank God for that, I don't think we could live like that. I am amazed at all I have survived, I never would have thought it possible just a short few years ago. It's funny how some people's lives can go on as planned, seemingly effortless, while they marry, pursue their career, have two children, a boy and a girl, buy a nicer house, take vacations...how do they do it? My life hasn't gone at all as planned...I married at 17, he turned out to be a wife beater and drug addict, he cheated on me countless times and had a child with someone else while we were married (our child he beat out of me)...I raised the child until we were divorced three years later, barely escaping with my life. I had another fiance in between my marriages that broke my heart. I then gave up on "love" and married a nice man, with whom I had two children...we were married 23 years...a loveless marriage but nevertheless, good partners until we divorced. I met and married my soulmate, George...we had it all, great love, great communication, tremendous faith in each other. I still hear my cries echoing through the hospital corridor as they told me he'd died..."not my husband!!" The next few months I was in a fog, scared, lonely, crying tears of anguish...and George's friend, John, comforting me, being there for me, his soft voice always ready to listen and care. The rest is history as you can read on "Loss of a Love Relationship"...what I had thought was love was actually a con. I was taken and dumped.

My life hasn't exactly gone the route I'd planned, nor has it been anything but "normal" I realize most of us have twists and turns in our lives, but not usually to this extent. I aim to live the rest of my life out in peace, as much as possible. I am trying to live in the present, and neither lament the past nor worry unduly about the future, so as not to miss whatever joy there might be today. Joy today is not what I had with George, that cannot be, as he is gone, but it might be little things...my puppy's kiss, a beautiful starry night, a wonderful dinner, a surprise phone call from a friend...those are the joys I live for today with the help of my George that lives inside my heart, always bringing comfort and strength to my soul.

That is my story...for each person on this site, we all have one.

You have lost your soulmate, and three weeks out you are undoubtedly stricken with grief, but I tell you, with the help of your newfound friends on this site, you can get through this and learn to carry your husband with you as you go through life. We're all in this together.

Love,

Kay

[Gogga]

Hi Kayc,

Thank you so much for your reply, and for your story.

I am truly sorry that you had to go through so much during your life as well. I also wonder about the 'happily ever after' part, the 'marry, get two perfect kids & be happy til the end' part. If life was only so perfect.

I catch myself thinking of other men in a romantic way, though I know that once anyone would even think in that direction I would turn around & flee. I'm starting to feel extremely lonely & I know I must fight this silly feeling. After I lost my first husband I remember I also felt this around this time as well, and the first stupid man crossing my path I ended up with.

Six weeks after his death I started to date another boy, moved in with him at his father's house, and stayed with him for 7 months. We were engaged to be married. I so wanted to regain what I lost that I almost made a huge mistake. But shortly after the engagement I realised that I only wanted to have my husband back, that I will make a mistake to marry him, and I broke off the engagement.

After moving back to my mom's, I found myself repeatedly searching for a husband - with each friend, each date hoping it would turn into marriage. A month later I met & started dating my son's father. We were together a year when I discovered I was pregnant. It was a miracle as doctors told me previously the chance of conceiving was nil, & the chance of carrying it through was nil. (My first husband and I were trying). We decided to marry although I knew it was a mistake - I knew I was in love with him, but that I did not love him. We married (he was my second husband) and got divorsed 13 months later. He was a drug and alcohol addict, a wife beater & a lover of women.

Back to mom again with my 7month old son (we only divorsed 3 months later). For 3 years I led a life I don't want to remember. I wasn't a good mom for my son, only cared about the next evening out. Having boyfriends etc. Had my heart broken a couple of times, the baddest was when the guy I was in love with eloped with my best friend. I lived with him for a while. I tried to commit suicide but mom caught on & rushed me to hospital.

Long after that I met someone I were dating a while back, realised were still much in love, and moved in with him. He lived about 10 hours drive away so I never saw my son for 2 months. I realised I couldn't live without him as the boyfriend didn't want children so I went back to mom.

Then I finally decided I didn't want a husband or man & I can cope on my own.

That's when I met my husband. My soulmate. He caught me with telling me he only wanted friendship as we've both been through a divorse, and both had children. I didn't want him, but somehow we became friends. And somehow we became more. I learnt a love I have never known before. He spoiled me rotten. Did most of my chores at home as we were both working. We had everything as you and George - great love, great communication, tremendous faith in each other - all of it. Strange enough, I can recall my voice screaming 'No! No! Not my husband! much the same as you. It's funny how some experiences compare. He admitted that he lied when he told me he only wanted friendship in the beginning. He said he could see I had a lot of pain & that I would run if I knew he lost his heart the moment he first saw me.

I miss him so much! He had been gone a month on Sunday 1st but it feels like an eternity without him. Though I can still feel his skin when I touched him, his lips when we kissed, I can still feel and remember him so clearly as if he is still here

[kayc]

It sounds like you had something great with your husband. I am learning it is okay to be on my own, alone, and although it was never my preference to be single, I don't want anyone less than wonderful, so if it means being alone, that's okay. My dog makes up the void and gives me lots of exercise.