Three Months Sunday

[Bdavis_04]

Hello Mel,

My wife died 1/25/09 and my best girl, Molly-dog, followed her on 2/14/09. Both have been cremated and have come to rest, for now, on my kitchen table. When I enter the house for any period of time I light a candle placed between them so that they won't forget how to come home. That probably sounds a little silly, but frankly I don't care - it's the little thoughts and little things that are helping me get by for now.

My life changed on a dime when I lost Phyllis, and changed again when Molly died - I am in so much pain most of the time that I actually feel sick - I have begged for becoming numb more than once. People outside of my grief cannot possibly understand, and everyone is outside of my grief no matter how much they love me or how well intentioned they are. Their lives move on while mine cannot - I have lost my rudders and anchors - so there is no more "normal" for me. Hell, if I get out of the bed in the morning I've accomplished a major task for the day - and if I take a shower - Yipeeeeeee - give the lady a gold star!

Phyllis wants to be spread in Galveston Bay where she always felt most at home and I plan to abide by that promise - but not yet. First as someone mentioned, I am not ready yet to lose her and Molly again so soon. I know, I know her soul isn't in her ashes, blah, blah, blah - but my security, for now, is. I spend time everyday talking to the two urns, touching them, and crying over them. What used to be their bodies, which is all of them that I ever really had in life, are in those jars and I feel that it would be really self-abusive to rip them away from myself at this time. Phyllis and I never asked or expected that we would sacrifice ourselves for the other and I don't believe that she would expect me to do anything right now that would put me in jeopardy - like making the 20 hour drive to Texas from Arizona to scatter her ashes.

Her family has tried to push me to hurry this process along, and my family has said to just send the ashes to the kids in Texas and be done with it, but neither option is acceptable to me. Not only is the spreading of ashes a very solemn and personal ceremony, but also one that I like to believe is the completion of one eternity and the beginning of another - both requiring celebration. How celebratory can you be when you're not ready to let go, your world is crashing down around you, and you're not really even aware of what you're doing? I know that I've been in a haze and have lost much of the last two months - I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I missed my second chances to say goodbye to Phyllis and Molly too. I hear you when you say you made a promise, but would your husband want you to do something that would not only endanger you, but also cause you more hurt right now?

As far as going to work, is there a way that you can avoid it for at least a few more months....maybe even a year? I have struggled since Phyllis died and figured a "whole week" would be all that I would need before jumping back into my life, that was the first week of March. Last Friday I held my breath and asked for the month of April off - no excuses just the truth - because I’m doing well. I have the month off and my job is ok. When my brother-in-law heard what I'd done, he asked, "are you nuts" what if they would have said no, why didn't you talk to me first? I replied that I had been fully ready to resign. I was no good to my employer - too many mistakes - which compounded my guilt, frustration, and embarrassment thus deepening my depression and lessening the reserves that I have been relying on to hang on with.

What made making the decisions about my job, taking time off, and spreading of ashes all the harder is that these are the types of decisions that Phyllis and I would've made together. This has been the first time that I have been "slapped in the face" with the realization that our "together" is only in memory now and I have to do what is best for me - no matter what anyone else thinks, says, or how I would have done things if Phyllis was still alive.

In short Mel I guess I'm saying, take care of you first.... no matter what. I was a caretaker for Phyllis for several years before she died and I'm struggling to learn how to care for myself as well as I did her - it's more difficult than I thought it would be. Also, I'm fairly angry that I didn't get a Disney movie ending where miracles come jumping out of the woodwork and a rat wearing big white gloves and shoes returns Phyllis and Molly to me. I hate the platitudes, the long nights, and the fact that another damn holiday is just around the corner and that I have no reason or desire to celebrate it. Especially since the holiday celebrates just how much "God" sacrificed for me - He took my Phyllis and Molly, they were my world - we're even now. But I will go to a family celebration - more so they feel better, not me - at least I will know why I'm there.

This whole situation sucks big time Mel - there's no getting around that, but we can make it better, by not making it worse.

Take Care - Betty

[kayc]

BDavis,

I didn't scatter George's ashes for a couple of years...you don't need to hurry, do it when you're ready.

As far as that goes, we should get a "get out of jail free" card when it comes to holidays too...in other words, if you aren't up to celebrating Easter...don't. I wasn't up to 4th of July (my husband died on Father's Day), and Labor Day bombed out, everyone forgot my birthday, I did Thanksgiving, Christmas with my grown kids, skipped NY, Valentine's Day was hard, by the time I got to Easter that first year, I major rebelled and said I wasn't doing it. I stayed home from church, ate a usual meal, didn't decorate, nothing. My kids came up the next weekend and we had a nice dinner and no mention of Easter...they understood, thank God. I didn't really care if anyone else understood or agreed or not, I needed to do what I needed to do to survive.

This is a hard time for you, grant yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to get through this.

[David'sGirlStill]

I am so with you on the holidays and the goodbye. My husband was/is a California Beach boy and wants to be returned to Huntington beach to forever ride the waves. Everyone is pushung me to do it now. My reply I will keep my promise, he will ride the waves just as soon these waves stop knocking me out. I know they will knock me around forever but not out cold, like they do now.

As far as the holidays, our daughter is 27 so no easter bunny. We have decided to take a pass this year. I'm not going to Church(I know it will pass but I think God's very cruel to do this to my family) I've been getting grief from so family but who cares this is my journey.

This easter I will be praying as of us make it through it.

[AnnC]

I totally agree. My ex-husband left his estate to his best friends, a lesbian couple who took care of him when he was sick and when he died. I got to know them at his funeral, and they had his ashes. He did not specify what to do with his ashes, but they wanted to sprinkle them around a tree he and they had dedicated when my ex's partner died many years ago -- his partner's family took the body and cut my ex out of all funeral plans, so my ex's chosen family and he dedicated a tree. Bless them, his friends asked me (though they were not obligated to include me at all) if that would be okay with me, and I thought it was lovely. They said they would contact me when they had the scattering so I could attend, which was very thoughtful. About a year or so passed, and I tentatively asked if they had set a date. They said no, so I backed off. Then two more years went by, and I asked again.

Then his friend broke down and told me they just couldn't do it. They had thought of him as a brother (he had no family left, having been the only child of older parents who were both gone, and no aunts, uncles or cousins either, and he and I had had no children while we were married.) They didn't want to scatter his ashes or put them in a mausoleum or the ground. They still had them in their house.

I thought about this, and then thought, So what harm can there be in this? I know he did not care what happened to his ashes, he believed his soul would move on with no need of them. But he would want his friends to be comforted. If keeping his ashes comforts them, I have no problem with it. So I told them that. After all, there are families who keep ashes in an urn on the mantle for years, maybe forever. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, if you find it a comfort.

They offered me part of the ashes, but my upbringing, like my ex's, never put any emphasis on the remains. And I found that I liked to think of him there, in his best friends' house.

There's no rush to scatter or inter ashes -- in fact, you never have to do it. Yes, if there was a promise to scatter them at a specific place, then you would want to keep that promise, but again, no rush. I can't imagine that your husband or wife wouldn't want to spend more time with you before being scattered -- how can that be a bad thing? I mean, in my belief, their spirit will always be with you no matter where the ashes are, but it's not easy letting go of the physical body, so give yourself a break and let yourself be comforted by the presence of the ashes. It's no one's business but yours.

Ann

[jackietnd1]

HI

I DON'T HAVE MUCH TO SAY EXCEPT THAT I WILL CONTULE TO PRAY FOR YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY IN PRAYER.

iI ALSO ASK YOU TO PRAY FOR ME.

KEEP THE FAITH

JACKIE